Confused? Who am I?
I am a man who should have been born a girl. As a child I did not like boy play. I preferred girl’s styles. I believe that I was more mature at an early age reading a lot like girls. I lived in a neighborhood of boys (most of whom ended up gay) and girls who played nice. We did play with legos and trains; but we also played house and did crafts. We never played rough boy sports. My first bad boy experience was baseball. I could not pitch, hit, throw, and I was afraid of the ball. I eventually quit and went back to playing with the neighbors. In third grade, I switched schools and suddenly was confronted with school sports. Many of the girls were better than me. However, I was a top student and very organized. I was an avid reader including reading all of the Little House on the Prairie books written from Laura’s point of view. I could not play boys sports and struggled to fit in with groups of boys. For example at summer camp, I escaped boy things and spent all of my time doing crafts. I did not fit in at camp. In Junior High, gym was my most hated class. I was teased and could not do any sports very well. I had a kid who picked on me every day throwing punches at me. I did not know what to do. It went on for months. Eventually, I fought him to a draw and it ended. I also quit getting good grades in order to fit in for three disasterous years. I am confident that this never would have happened if I had been able to be a girl. In ninth grade, I decided to overcome my obstacles by playing football. I was of course too small. I could not do this flip thing so even the coaches laughed at me while they made me try do it over and over. I did not quit. Later, in high school I adapted managing to fit in as a male, but was never really popular because I was not masculine enough. Dating was a nightmare. I hated to be the one to ask girls out and be rejected, oh to have been the girl instead! Art was my favorite class where I sat with girls as equals. When I read the Diary of Ann Frank, I thought that I really could relate to her feelings as a girl. When I read books with a female as the main character, I am that character. It also turned out that my best friend growing up was gay, another escape from boy play.
I have always wanted to look like a girl. In seventh grade, we went to Mexica and I got a silver necklace. I remember liking to wear it because it made me feel more like a girl. In high school, I tried to fit in by dressing nicer and looking better, blowing my hair dry, etc. I wore boy cloths; but I remember looking at girls color combinations and comparing myself and matching them. In college, I bought a white hoody for myself because I liked the way it looked on girls; after I got it I felt good looking more like a girl. No one knew. Even now I like to lose weight because it is healthier; but it also makes me feel more like a girl; and I like that!
Eventually, I dated. I found more success with girls by being more like a girl. I had a serious girlfriend in college. We did everything together. Again, we were both doing female things, cooking, etc.
I lived by myself after college for many years and became self sufficient doing traditional male and female jobs. Later, I got married and had kids. We had a good relationship for a few years. After that, we lost interest in each other.
Since that time we have raised our daughters. I am their Dad, but I am not sure if I am not a Mom too? I have cooked, cleaned, done their laundry made their school lunches, breakfasts, driven them all over, etc. I have worked out of my house for the last 20 years. My life is like a stay at home mom except I also do many business things. When I think of it, I have already adopted a female lifestyle except I don’t dress the part.
I paid a severe price for my divorce and have been scared ever since. But, even with women who I like, I am not sure about my sexual attraction to them. So, I thought that I might be gay since I am attracted to one part of the male body. I then started examining it further taking sexuality tests. I realized that I am not attracted to men at all except one very important part. When I examined it further, I realized that I am also transgender because I feel more like a girl. But, I have not felt the need to change my sex so far. I am trying to figure this out. I am thinking that I would be happy with a transgender women. But, I don’t know for sure.
I am really happy that I am figuring this out. We all have to be who we are.
I have been successful in my career. I think that part of my success came from the adversity of being a male early in my life. I became tough. I have done well and am creative with business. In my wildest thoughts until now I never attributed it to my really being a girl. But, I think that there is something to that. I need to think about it more. Go Girls Go!
What do you think?
By Alex Nagle 
By Suzy Russell 
By wendy larsen 
By Donna V 
