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  • 11 May 2012
    I really appreciate your message! As much as I dislike it you are right our face to face talks are not very effective. I love you so much! I have spent the last 20 and a half years trying to be the best dad I could despite my flaws. I have always been proud of you and wanted the very best for you. I apologize for the times I have not been the dad I need to be through my actions or words. I need some more time to process and think about your entire message. I will respond soon. Thank you and I will always love you!!!
    3180 Posted by Maci Branch
  • I really appreciate your message! As much as I dislike it you are right our face to face talks are not very effective. I love you so much! I have spent the last 20 and a half years trying to be the best dad I could despite my flaws. I have always been proud of you and wanted the very best for you. I apologize for the times I have not been the dad I need to be through my actions or words. I need some more time to process and think about your entire message. I will respond soon. Thank you and I will always love you!!!
    May 11, 2012 3180
  • 05 Jan 2013
    Janie Black recently wrote a post which jogged my sleepy mind called Gender and the Wrong Body.She wrote a very thought provoking post (here) which basically goes into the much debated ideas of why we transgender or transsexual people feel this way.I'm going to greatly over simplify this topic by using the "born in the wrong body" argument.  Personally I can't use that as any rationalization for my status as a transgender woman. It could be argued I was born into the wrong body to hit the baseball the way I wanted or to play football the way I thought I should. OK, I can agree with those of you that are thinking "pretty shallow" Cyrsti.  You are right and wrong. Wrong in that those were important to me at the time.  Right, in that I learned to live with reality and they went away.What never went away was the idea I was somehow living life from the wrong gender perspective. You could argue I was born into the wrong body but you know you have to go with what brought you here. I'm lucky the physical aspect of my body has allowed me to be healthy into my 60's and along the way has been pliable enough to explore the female gender.Sure, like many of you I have thought of SRS very seriously and of course you know I started HRT sometime ago. So far I'm quite happy where I am although if my finances allow I would certainly be open to some sort of facial hair removal and even facial feminization surgery.  In my own way though, I see those as primarily vanity moves. No different than any other genetic woman. Would either help me to be more stealth than I am now? Possibly but neither would help me feel anymore feminine than I do now. Then, there is that word feminine. It's a stereotype. Right? Who knows if I feel feminine. I'm just being me, reflecting to the world. Which brings me to the word mirror. As I progressed down this transgender road, I found how I reflected my inner mirror to the world was much more important than my external mirror. I was lucky enough to cover the basics in public as a woman but just walking through a mall "undetected" just wasn't enough. Which brings me to the point.No I wasn't born in the wrong body. Sure my mental processes don't match my physical gender but through my feminine socialization process I have been able to bypass the limitations of my physical self. I have been able to redirect a series of inner mirrors to give the public an accurate perception of my inner self.All of this is a never ending discussion. No easy answer. It's as different and personal to us as life itself. Some of us have to go out and buy a vagina to feel whole. Some don't. Bottom line is though all that really matters is the inside and how you reflect it to the world. It took me years to figure it out. Now it's up to the world to accept it.
    1115 Posted by Jessie Hart
  • Janie Black recently wrote a post which jogged my sleepy mind called Gender and the Wrong Body.She wrote a very thought provoking post (here) which basically goes into the much debated ideas of why we transgender or transsexual people feel this way.I'm going to greatly over simplify this topic by using the "born in the wrong body" argument.  Personally I can't use that as any rationalization for my status as a transgender woman. It could be argued I was born into the wrong body to hit the baseball the way I wanted or to play football the way I thought I should. OK, I can agree with those of you that are thinking "pretty shallow" Cyrsti.  You are right and wrong. Wrong in that those were important to me at the time.  Right, in that I learned to live with reality and they went away.What never went away was the idea I was somehow living life from the wrong gender perspective. You could argue I was born into the wrong body but you know you have to go with what brought you here. I'm lucky the physical aspect of my body has allowed me to be healthy into my 60's and along the way has been pliable enough to explore the female gender.Sure, like many of you I have thought of SRS very seriously and of course you know I started HRT sometime ago. So far I'm quite happy where I am although if my finances allow I would certainly be open to some sort of facial hair removal and even facial feminization surgery.  In my own way though, I see those as primarily vanity moves. No different than any other genetic woman. Would either help me to be more stealth than I am now? Possibly but neither would help me feel anymore feminine than I do now. Then, there is that word feminine. It's a stereotype. Right? Who knows if I feel feminine. I'm just being me, reflecting to the world. Which brings me to the word mirror. As I progressed down this transgender road, I found how I reflected my inner mirror to the world was much more important than my external mirror. I was lucky enough to cover the basics in public as a woman but just walking through a mall "undetected" just wasn't enough. Which brings me to the point.No I wasn't born in the wrong body. Sure my mental processes don't match my physical gender but through my feminine socialization process I have been able to bypass the limitations of my physical self. I have been able to redirect a series of inner mirrors to give the public an accurate perception of my inner self.All of this is a never ending discussion. No easy answer. It's as different and personal to us as life itself. Some of us have to go out and buy a vagina to feel whole. Some don't. Bottom line is though all that really matters is the inside and how you reflect it to the world. It took me years to figure it out. Now it's up to the world to accept it.
    Jan 05, 2013 1115
  • 19 Jun 2015
    Confused?  Who am I?    I am a man who should have been born a girl.  As a child I did not like boy play.  I preferred girl’s styles.  I believe that I was more mature at an early age reading a lot like girls.  I lived in a neighborhood of boys (most of whom ended up gay) and girls who played nice.  We did play with legos and trains; but we also played house and did crafts.  We never played rough boy sports.  My first bad boy experience was baseball.  I could not pitch, hit, throw, and I was afraid of the ball.  I eventually quit and went back to playing with the neighbors.  In third grade, I switched schools and suddenly was confronted with school sports.  Many of the girls were better than me.  However, I was a top student and very organized.   I was an avid reader including reading all of the Little House on the Prairie books written from Laura’s point of view.  I could not play boys sports and struggled to fit in with groups of boys.  For example at summer camp, I escaped boy things and spent all of my time doing crafts.  I did not fit in at camp.  In Junior High, gym was my most hated class.  I was teased and could not do any sports very well.  I had a kid who picked on me every day throwing punches at me.  I did not know what to do.  It went on for months.  Eventually, I fought him to a draw and it ended.  I also quit getting good grades in order to fit in for three disasterous years.  I am confident that this never would have happened if I had been able to be a girl.  In ninth grade, I decided to overcome my obstacles by playing football.  I was of course too small.   I could not do this flip thing so even the coaches laughed at me while they made me try do it over and over.  I did not quit.  Later, in high school I adapted managing to fit in as a male, but was never really popular because I was not masculine enough.  Dating was a nightmare.  I hated to be the one to ask girls out and be rejected, oh to have been the girl instead!  Art was my favorite class where I sat with girls as equals.  When I read the Diary of Ann Frank, I thought that I really could relate to her feelings as a girl.  When I read books with a female as the main character, I am that character.  It also turned out that my best friend growing up was gay, another escape from boy play. I have always wanted to look like a girl.  In seventh grade, we went to Mexica and I got a silver necklace.  I remember liking to wear it because it made me feel more like a girl.  In high school, I tried to fit in by dressing nicer and looking better, blowing my hair dry, etc.   I wore boy cloths; but I remember looking at girls color combinations and comparing myself and matching them.  In college, I bought a white hoody for myself because I liked the way it looked on girls; after I got it I felt good looking more like a girl.  No one knew.  Even now I like to lose weight because it is healthier; but it also makes me feel more like a girl; and I like that! Eventually, I dated.  I found more success with girls by being more like a girl.  I had a serious girlfriend in college.  We did everything together.   Again, we were both doing female things, cooking, etc. I lived by myself after college for many years and became self sufficient doing traditional male and female jobs.  Later, I got married and had kids.  We had a good relationship for a few years.  After that,  we lost interest in each other. Since that time we have raised our daughters.  I am their Dad, but I am not sure if I am not a Mom too?  I have cooked, cleaned, done their laundry made their school lunches, breakfasts, driven them all over, etc.  I have worked out of my house for the last 20 years.  My life is like a stay at home mom except I also do many business things.  When I think of it, I have already adopted a female lifestyle except I don’t dress the part. I paid a severe price for my divorce and have been scared ever since.   But, even with women who I like, I am not sure about my sexual attraction to them.  So, I thought that I might be gay since I am attracted to one part of the male body.  I then started examining it further taking sexuality tests.  I realized that I am not attracted to men at all except one very important part. When I examined it further, I realized that I am also transgender because I feel more like a girl.  But, I have not felt the need to change my sex so far.  I am trying to figure this out.  I am thinking that I would be happy with a transgender women.  But, I don’t know for sure. I am really happy that I am figuring this out.  We all have to be who we are.  I have been successful in my career.  I think that part of my success came from the adversity of being a male early in my life.  I became tough.  I have done well and am creative with business.  In my wildest thoughts until now I never attributed it to my really being a girl.  But, I think that there is something to that.  I need to think about it more.  Go Girls Go!   What do you think?
    798 Posted by Jodie Yerington
  • Confused?  Who am I?    I am a man who should have been born a girl.  As a child I did not like boy play.  I preferred girl’s styles.  I believe that I was more mature at an early age reading a lot like girls.  I lived in a neighborhood of boys (most of whom ended up gay) and girls who played nice.  We did play with legos and trains; but we also played house and did crafts.  We never played rough boy sports.  My first bad boy experience was baseball.  I could not pitch, hit, throw, and I was afraid of the ball.  I eventually quit and went back to playing with the neighbors.  In third grade, I switched schools and suddenly was confronted with school sports.  Many of the girls were better than me.  However, I was a top student and very organized.   I was an avid reader including reading all of the Little House on the Prairie books written from Laura’s point of view.  I could not play boys sports and struggled to fit in with groups of boys.  For example at summer camp, I escaped boy things and spent all of my time doing crafts.  I did not fit in at camp.  In Junior High, gym was my most hated class.  I was teased and could not do any sports very well.  I had a kid who picked on me every day throwing punches at me.  I did not know what to do.  It went on for months.  Eventually, I fought him to a draw and it ended.  I also quit getting good grades in order to fit in for three disasterous years.  I am confident that this never would have happened if I had been able to be a girl.  In ninth grade, I decided to overcome my obstacles by playing football.  I was of course too small.   I could not do this flip thing so even the coaches laughed at me while they made me try do it over and over.  I did not quit.  Later, in high school I adapted managing to fit in as a male, but was never really popular because I was not masculine enough.  Dating was a nightmare.  I hated to be the one to ask girls out and be rejected, oh to have been the girl instead!  Art was my favorite class where I sat with girls as equals.  When I read the Diary of Ann Frank, I thought that I really could relate to her feelings as a girl.  When I read books with a female as the main character, I am that character.  It also turned out that my best friend growing up was gay, another escape from boy play. I have always wanted to look like a girl.  In seventh grade, we went to Mexica and I got a silver necklace.  I remember liking to wear it because it made me feel more like a girl.  In high school, I tried to fit in by dressing nicer and looking better, blowing my hair dry, etc.   I wore boy cloths; but I remember looking at girls color combinations and comparing myself and matching them.  In college, I bought a white hoody for myself because I liked the way it looked on girls; after I got it I felt good looking more like a girl.  No one knew.  Even now I like to lose weight because it is healthier; but it also makes me feel more like a girl; and I like that! Eventually, I dated.  I found more success with girls by being more like a girl.  I had a serious girlfriend in college.  We did everything together.   Again, we were both doing female things, cooking, etc. I lived by myself after college for many years and became self sufficient doing traditional male and female jobs.  Later, I got married and had kids.  We had a good relationship for a few years.  After that,  we lost interest in each other. Since that time we have raised our daughters.  I am their Dad, but I am not sure if I am not a Mom too?  I have cooked, cleaned, done their laundry made their school lunches, breakfasts, driven them all over, etc.  I have worked out of my house for the last 20 years.  My life is like a stay at home mom except I also do many business things.  When I think of it, I have already adopted a female lifestyle except I don’t dress the part. I paid a severe price for my divorce and have been scared ever since.   But, even with women who I like, I am not sure about my sexual attraction to them.  So, I thought that I might be gay since I am attracted to one part of the male body.  I then started examining it further taking sexuality tests.  I realized that I am not attracted to men at all except one very important part. When I examined it further, I realized that I am also transgender because I feel more like a girl.  But, I have not felt the need to change my sex so far.  I am trying to figure this out.  I am thinking that I would be happy with a transgender women.  But, I don’t know for sure. I am really happy that I am figuring this out.  We all have to be who we are.  I have been successful in my career.  I think that part of my success came from the adversity of being a male early in my life.  I became tough.  I have done well and am creative with business.  In my wildest thoughts until now I never attributed it to my really being a girl.  But, I think that there is something to that.  I need to think about it more.  Go Girls Go!   What do you think?
    Jun 19, 2015 798
  • 22 Mar 2011
    I sometimes wonder why I bother at all.  Every time I've said we are just a day or two away from making this site live, I have been scuppered by one huge problem or another.   It seemed like we were all set to go a few weeks back and I told everyone to say goodbye to the old site once and for all.  Then we discovered a huge problem in the membership system which would not allow anyone to log in unless they had a valid subscription.   I protested to the developers and said that the vast majority of our members are on our free membership level and we can't force them to start subscriptions.  I was told I would have to create a new subscription for $0.00 and get the programmers to automatically assign all Basic members to it, just so they could log in.   That job is still ongoing as I speak.  And so, it is now almost April and we are still on the starting blocks.  You have no idea how upset I am about this and about the sheer amount of time it's taken to get this far.   Many times over the last few months, I have thought seriously about just walking away from this altogether instead of throwing good money after bad - money we just can't afford.   Maybe I should just concentrate on Frock Magazine and leave it at that.  Perhaps that's what the gods want me to do.   Or maybe I should just give up altogether and get a job on the bins.   Glum Katie   :(
    2167 Posted by Katie Glover
  • I sometimes wonder why I bother at all.  Every time I've said we are just a day or two away from making this site live, I have been scuppered by one huge problem or another.   It seemed like we were all set to go a few weeks back and I told everyone to say goodbye to the old site once and for all.  Then we discovered a huge problem in the membership system which would not allow anyone to log in unless they had a valid subscription.   I protested to the developers and said that the vast majority of our members are on our free membership level and we can't force them to start subscriptions.  I was told I would have to create a new subscription for $0.00 and get the programmers to automatically assign all Basic members to it, just so they could log in.   That job is still ongoing as I speak.  And so, it is now almost April and we are still on the starting blocks.  You have no idea how upset I am about this and about the sheer amount of time it's taken to get this far.   Many times over the last few months, I have thought seriously about just walking away from this altogether instead of throwing good money after bad - money we just can't afford.   Maybe I should just concentrate on Frock Magazine and leave it at that.  Perhaps that's what the gods want me to do.   Or maybe I should just give up altogether and get a job on the bins.   Glum Katie   :(
    Mar 22, 2011 2167
  • 28 May 2012
    While the brother is away Jessica will play!! I've been having a great weekend alone. My brother and it seems his now live in girlfriend are away at a PDF field party. He had a grant to make a solar powered tube light gate sculpture and every one is to walk through it for new beginnings. Pretty cool huh? Except i've been dealing with saws and drilling the entire prior week while he made this thing. I hope it goes well for him but IM GLAD TO BE ALONE! I've had a very girly weekend doing all the fun stuff like red nails and falsies and my skimpy stuff I'dnever wear outside. I feel like I'm floating on air, I needed this. xxxx J
    1158 Posted by Jessica Nova
  • While the brother is away Jessica will play!! I've been having a great weekend alone. My brother and it seems his now live in girlfriend are away at a PDF field party. He had a grant to make a solar powered tube light gate sculpture and every one is to walk through it for new beginnings. Pretty cool huh? Except i've been dealing with saws and drilling the entire prior week while he made this thing. I hope it goes well for him but IM GLAD TO BE ALONE! I've had a very girly weekend doing all the fun stuff like red nails and falsies and my skimpy stuff I'dnever wear outside. I feel like I'm floating on air, I needed this. xxxx J
    May 28, 2012 1158
  • 03 Jul 2014
    I haven't posted for a while,  and I have been through a bad spell.To just spit it out , I have got to that stage , where I NEED to make a break from those closest to me.Simply because it has become UNBEARABLE.I made a bad choice in sacrificing myself, moving back into a relation with my long term partner only to find that its become emotional torture and expectation , no room for Donna.On the surface  its happy ,smile for the neighbours. I have been though a very hard mental time up and down .I have made the break from work , made the break for myself , and now have to deal with the reality of  very probably ending the long relationship with my partner. The problems are to many and unresolvable and we go through these cycles of up and down , which she says she can not cope with. I just find I cannot talk ,she is too sensitive and says I do not make sense.I feel its right to give a release from this and move out and allow her to seek the third party to talk too. I hate  the silence of Denial.My best intentions of just carrying on , and working on the house and Garden and all this material physical things of the Shell  just crowd the light and opportunities to express a life.Hope is not enough.In many ways its true I have become a victim of my best intentions and so has she.There really is only one way now.I hope it will be a release for both of us in its way, for me released from the expectations to behave and put up a front, for her a release from the effort and mistaken belief that she needs to control me and protect me from myself.For information I have not been able to see a GP since moving back "home" as she said in the past that she could not bear the "embarrassment and pain " of the local NHs knowing that her partner was Transgendered. She is a Surgeon at the local hospital. and says she is my doctor.This is difficult as she does not accept the Current NHS view of transgendered people. I guess she does not want to see ME, the whole me   My partner has her problems , and I try to help, but the true realisation is that with best intentions we cannot Always be the best person to offer help even to those close to. This is sad , but true. This is not easy,.As a Transexual I have made many mistakes.I am not perfect , I think its now come for us to part.and allow me to be Donna[long to be the smiling girl with Long Auburn hair,not the short haired slave I see in the mirror now. In time I can only hope that She will see this as the only wayand spend time without my prescence. she knows I dont mean harm,but its clear my expressing myself as transgendered is deeply hurting her.   Thanks Lucy  "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."  (Harvey Fierstein)   First you need to feel what you want to be, and then you need to be what you want to feel  I saw this once and it struck me, its a human need for a transexual person.the need to feel and to be to have identity.instead of the imposed need  to meet other peoples expectations.   From Emma Gee[from Maddies Blog Hopeless "]."Ultimately, the key for me was the fact that I simply could not go on as I was any more. When you reach that stage, everything else will fall into place. As I'm sure many will agree, it isn't easy- but if it's the only way, it's the right way. Xx    
    646 Posted by Donna V
  • By Donna V
    I haven't posted for a while,  and I have been through a bad spell.To just spit it out , I have got to that stage , where I NEED to make a break from those closest to me.Simply because it has become UNBEARABLE.I made a bad choice in sacrificing myself, moving back into a relation with my long term partner only to find that its become emotional torture and expectation , no room for Donna.On the surface  its happy ,smile for the neighbours. I have been though a very hard mental time up and down .I have made the break from work , made the break for myself , and now have to deal with the reality of  very probably ending the long relationship with my partner. The problems are to many and unresolvable and we go through these cycles of up and down , which she says she can not cope with. I just find I cannot talk ,she is too sensitive and says I do not make sense.I feel its right to give a release from this and move out and allow her to seek the third party to talk too. I hate  the silence of Denial.My best intentions of just carrying on , and working on the house and Garden and all this material physical things of the Shell  just crowd the light and opportunities to express a life.Hope is not enough.In many ways its true I have become a victim of my best intentions and so has she.There really is only one way now.I hope it will be a release for both of us in its way, for me released from the expectations to behave and put up a front, for her a release from the effort and mistaken belief that she needs to control me and protect me from myself.For information I have not been able to see a GP since moving back "home" as she said in the past that she could not bear the "embarrassment and pain " of the local NHs knowing that her partner was Transgendered. She is a Surgeon at the local hospital. and says she is my doctor.This is difficult as she does not accept the Current NHS view of transgendered people. I guess she does not want to see ME, the whole me   My partner has her problems , and I try to help, but the true realisation is that with best intentions we cannot Always be the best person to offer help even to those close to. This is sad , but true. This is not easy,.As a Transexual I have made many mistakes.I am not perfect , I think its now come for us to part.and allow me to be Donna[long to be the smiling girl with Long Auburn hair,not the short haired slave I see in the mirror now. In time I can only hope that She will see this as the only wayand spend time without my prescence. she knows I dont mean harm,but its clear my expressing myself as transgendered is deeply hurting her.   Thanks Lucy  "Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."  (Harvey Fierstein)   First you need to feel what you want to be, and then you need to be what you want to feel  I saw this once and it struck me, its a human need for a transexual person.the need to feel and to be to have identity.instead of the imposed need  to meet other peoples expectations.   From Emma Gee[from Maddies Blog Hopeless "]."Ultimately, the key for me was the fact that I simply could not go on as I was any more. When you reach that stage, everything else will fall into place. As I'm sure many will agree, it isn't easy- but if it's the only way, it's the right way. Xx    
    Jul 03, 2014 646
  • 05 Sep 2014
    I finally got most of my worst physical issues under control.  Then disaster hit.  Sundance is in need of constant supervision.  I was injured and have problems with my neck and brain injury (either or both could be permanent). I cannot physically care for Sundance any more.  I have been in a great deal of pain and needed narcotic pain killers.  I am on them at the moment and still in a moderate degree of pain.  It can be difficult even to prepare food and when I can I can be too nauseated to eat when it is ready, but I can eat now more than I could at first.  I made cheeseburgers this week and it was a major victory.  I am also preparing to move into my own apt.  It is all slow going and there are major issues physical, mental and emotional.  Just coming here tonight and typing has made my head explode.  I miss the GS and hope my injuries will repair and let me spend more time here.  Some of the girls I have met here are giving me moral support...well, not you, Joni, I would never accuse you of morality, gf :-D. [Joni is, despite her protestations of sluthood, one of the sweetest, kindest, most generous people I know to her friends and to total strangers.]   Joni has been one of my two pillars from GS for a long time now.  It's odd how GS is wrapped around my life now, like a morning glory vine.  Tracy and I mett and chatted at my other pillar's home in VA not too long ago and I passed another GS acquaintance, literally, in the night coming back from DC and missing her message until I was way past her home.  I have gone from feeling alone in this world to tripping over T Girls at times.  It makes me feel less alone when I am alone and makes Wendy stronger.   I am sorry I am not around more.  I want to be.  I never know if the next day will be good or if I will be suicidal  from the pain levels that are sometimes intolerable form my recent injury.  The treatments for the injuries cause their own pain and nausea and the meds make me stupid and sleepy.  I, who avoid over the counter pain meds normally,  am taking narcotics just to stay alive and medical marijuana has, quite literally, saved my liife three times this year during attacks of suicidal levels of pain.  in addition to relieving conditions doctors have been unable to successfully treat for decades.  My friends, including ones I met here, are what keeps me from ending the pain permanently.  I love them too much to leave them,...so far.  Without the MJ I would not be here.  Really.   There is some sign that the symptoms are improving, so I have hope.  I am looking foward to having my own place and seeing Sundance daily, though I cry from what has  happened to her and the loss of her  intellectual company and friendship and support for Wendy.   I have NOT "buggered off" on you all, as mum would say.  If I survive this I will be back.   Next time I am on my blog it will be back to my old musings and blitherings.  Be Warned.   Love,   Wendy
    798 Posted by wendy larsen
  • I finally got most of my worst physical issues under control.  Then disaster hit.  Sundance is in need of constant supervision.  I was injured and have problems with my neck and brain injury (either or both could be permanent). I cannot physically care for Sundance any more.  I have been in a great deal of pain and needed narcotic pain killers.  I am on them at the moment and still in a moderate degree of pain.  It can be difficult even to prepare food and when I can I can be too nauseated to eat when it is ready, but I can eat now more than I could at first.  I made cheeseburgers this week and it was a major victory.  I am also preparing to move into my own apt.  It is all slow going and there are major issues physical, mental and emotional.  Just coming here tonight and typing has made my head explode.  I miss the GS and hope my injuries will repair and let me spend more time here.  Some of the girls I have met here are giving me moral support...well, not you, Joni, I would never accuse you of morality, gf :-D. [Joni is, despite her protestations of sluthood, one of the sweetest, kindest, most generous people I know to her friends and to total strangers.]   Joni has been one of my two pillars from GS for a long time now.  It's odd how GS is wrapped around my life now, like a morning glory vine.  Tracy and I mett and chatted at my other pillar's home in VA not too long ago and I passed another GS acquaintance, literally, in the night coming back from DC and missing her message until I was way past her home.  I have gone from feeling alone in this world to tripping over T Girls at times.  It makes me feel less alone when I am alone and makes Wendy stronger.   I am sorry I am not around more.  I want to be.  I never know if the next day will be good or if I will be suicidal  from the pain levels that are sometimes intolerable form my recent injury.  The treatments for the injuries cause their own pain and nausea and the meds make me stupid and sleepy.  I, who avoid over the counter pain meds normally,  am taking narcotics just to stay alive and medical marijuana has, quite literally, saved my liife three times this year during attacks of suicidal levels of pain.  in addition to relieving conditions doctors have been unable to successfully treat for decades.  My friends, including ones I met here, are what keeps me from ending the pain permanently.  I love them too much to leave them,...so far.  Without the MJ I would not be here.  Really.   There is some sign that the symptoms are improving, so I have hope.  I am looking foward to having my own place and seeing Sundance daily, though I cry from what has  happened to her and the loss of her  intellectual company and friendship and support for Wendy.   I have NOT "buggered off" on you all, as mum would say.  If I survive this I will be back.   Next time I am on my blog it will be back to my old musings and blitherings.  Be Warned.   Love,   Wendy
    Sep 05, 2014 798
  • 04 Aug 2017
    Hi. Firstly, please don't be alarmed by what you are about to read. This is a passage and I will move on from it. Rachel is fine, indeed she feels affirmed, looks great and doesnt' want to go anywhere. Richard on the other hand (there, I've said it, a big bloomin step) is in a real state. He is emasculated, ripped apart and half the woman he could be because he's a faltering man who spends the majority of his time in a state of disregard and disillusionment. Rachel is the dominant partner, the life and the soul the pace the vibrant tick-tock, the dreamer the aspirational poet the confident confidant and the fashionable dare I say sexual being that possesses soul and life. Richard is charming but spent, lacking in self-confidence retreating into a reclusive haf life where he looks at his male peers doesn't understand them or wish to be like them and so falls behind in the chiff-chaff battering of the egotistical bluffing that dominates his working environment. Rachel can see through all of this because she thinks clearly. Her self-confidence enables her to determine a path through the day but this only charts a route towards a dreamland, a pertpetual state of support that is beyond reach and so this perceivable and yet unachieved state mocks, taunts and screws into her other half's day. Rachel it must be said, has drunk two thirds of a bottle of wine. She's not drunk and alarming as a result, but she is fluid, open expressive and communicative. She strapped up and tucked away, wearing new skinny jeans with bosoms that yearn to be real and borrowed perfume. Her wardrobe - which is growing and now resides in the loft - I have a stash, I have a stash, is contemporary and purchased in person. Her make-up is now her own and her composition is better formed, more articuate and understood than it has ever been.  She has taken photos (again!) but cannot launch them into the world because Gender Society's photo albums are not currently yielding and have turned their back. She has considered walking out into the night, a trip around the block for the first time, but dare not. Riots have happened here recently, so better not start another. Rachel / Richard needs help in truth. There are people here that I call friends and whose shoulders I would like to burst into tears upon. If you are capable of this support do let me know, I can travel for this. Rachel isn't a selfish b***h (although this reads otherwise, infact I know she's grateful, expressive forgiving and empathetic. Any help provided would be returned with earnest and heartfelt thanks. Rachel could become a friend for life, Richard too. If you are reading this and have yet to come out and broach the reality of who you really are, then I hope that this gives you the momentum to move forward and not be like this in the future. If you are reading this having come out, transitioned even, then I hope it provides you with a momentunm to reflect and to celebrate what you are now, how far you have travelled and what you now are not. I said at the beginning not to be alarmed. I am and we are but that it our challenge to deal with. I should copy this post and send it to my Gender Therapist with the headline, 'Transition Required, Bridging Hormones to commence ASAP.' I am a woman and like a moth I flutter lively in the artificial environment of the evening. By day I am flat, still and prone to easy disintegration. Thank you for reading, and oh do write a blog or too because it's easier than you think to find peace through a passage or two. Take care Rachel x  
    639 Posted by Rachel de Blanc
  • Hi. Firstly, please don't be alarmed by what you are about to read. This is a passage and I will move on from it. Rachel is fine, indeed she feels affirmed, looks great and doesnt' want to go anywhere. Richard on the other hand (there, I've said it, a big bloomin step) is in a real state. He is emasculated, ripped apart and half the woman he could be because he's a faltering man who spends the majority of his time in a state of disregard and disillusionment. Rachel is the dominant partner, the life and the soul the pace the vibrant tick-tock, the dreamer the aspirational poet the confident confidant and the fashionable dare I say sexual being that possesses soul and life. Richard is charming but spent, lacking in self-confidence retreating into a reclusive haf life where he looks at his male peers doesn't understand them or wish to be like them and so falls behind in the chiff-chaff battering of the egotistical bluffing that dominates his working environment. Rachel can see through all of this because she thinks clearly. Her self-confidence enables her to determine a path through the day but this only charts a route towards a dreamland, a pertpetual state of support that is beyond reach and so this perceivable and yet unachieved state mocks, taunts and screws into her other half's day. Rachel it must be said, has drunk two thirds of a bottle of wine. She's not drunk and alarming as a result, but she is fluid, open expressive and communicative. She strapped up and tucked away, wearing new skinny jeans with bosoms that yearn to be real and borrowed perfume. Her wardrobe - which is growing and now resides in the loft - I have a stash, I have a stash, is contemporary and purchased in person. Her make-up is now her own and her composition is better formed, more articuate and understood than it has ever been.  She has taken photos (again!) but cannot launch them into the world because Gender Society's photo albums are not currently yielding and have turned their back. She has considered walking out into the night, a trip around the block for the first time, but dare not. Riots have happened here recently, so better not start another. Rachel / Richard needs help in truth. There are people here that I call friends and whose shoulders I would like to burst into tears upon. If you are capable of this support do let me know, I can travel for this. Rachel isn't a selfish b***h (although this reads otherwise, infact I know she's grateful, expressive forgiving and empathetic. Any help provided would be returned with earnest and heartfelt thanks. Rachel could become a friend for life, Richard too. If you are reading this and have yet to come out and broach the reality of who you really are, then I hope that this gives you the momentum to move forward and not be like this in the future. If you are reading this having come out, transitioned even, then I hope it provides you with a momentunm to reflect and to celebrate what you are now, how far you have travelled and what you now are not. I said at the beginning not to be alarmed. I am and we are but that it our challenge to deal with. I should copy this post and send it to my Gender Therapist with the headline, 'Transition Required, Bridging Hormones to commence ASAP.' I am a woman and like a moth I flutter lively in the artificial environment of the evening. By day I am flat, still and prone to easy disintegration. Thank you for reading, and oh do write a blog or too because it's easier than you think to find peace through a passage or two. Take care Rachel x  
    Aug 04, 2017 639
  • 26 Feb 2013
    Let's face it, there are bunches of lonely people in the world and never more than in the transgender culture. Seemingly, we have a couple of strikes against us in the relationship arena before we ever get started.Many of us have intense relationships which have been severed or destroyed by coming out as transgender women or men.Then trans women have the unique tendency to be desired by men who are not so positively referred to as admirers.What's a trans person to do?We are at the mercy as any cis person in the dating world and we can meet people on line, in person or from other friends...supposedly. Remember, this is only my experience but I have never heard of one transgender friend hooking another up in a dating situation. I have had some success in meeting two of my friends at a sports venue pub and my serious relationship on line. Additionally, I have met several others I stay in contact with on line.As with many other of my beliefs, I have a tendency to get push back from many people on my on line contact feelings. Most don't realize how many sites I was on and how many screw balls I filtered through to find the quality circle of friends I'm so happy to have now. I hear, well I tried "_____" site and got a bunch of idiots so now I sit here alone now.I'm going to quote my gf again on our gay tour guide staring at my chest comment: "well the fun part is you attract all kinds".  And mention a chat I recently had with another trans girl I know. She has a man who wants to ask her out who she already knows to an extent. She believes he is a sweet guy.  Before I could think about it I was spouting the company line about "be careful dear" blah blah blah.Of course we all should be careful as any woman should but why should my friend be denied a shot at happiness with a guy? The reason she could find happiness is that she is different.I think the bottom line is with too many of us is that we want to jump ahead and say "well I will start dating when my breasts get a little bigger or my hair gets a little longer" or what ever. In the meantime, life slips away on us again!Think of it this way too. Bunches of cis women have children to pull them through lonely times we don't most of the time. so I think they have a tendency to be too selective and stay in their little room. On the other side of the ledger we can be very exotic critters (or erotic for some of you) because of who we are.  If you play it right, you could end up ahead of the dating competition and be careful you don't get stuck by that needle in the haystack!
    968 Posted by Jessie Hart
  • Let's face it, there are bunches of lonely people in the world and never more than in the transgender culture. Seemingly, we have a couple of strikes against us in the relationship arena before we ever get started.Many of us have intense relationships which have been severed or destroyed by coming out as transgender women or men.Then trans women have the unique tendency to be desired by men who are not so positively referred to as admirers.What's a trans person to do?We are at the mercy as any cis person in the dating world and we can meet people on line, in person or from other friends...supposedly. Remember, this is only my experience but I have never heard of one transgender friend hooking another up in a dating situation. I have had some success in meeting two of my friends at a sports venue pub and my serious relationship on line. Additionally, I have met several others I stay in contact with on line.As with many other of my beliefs, I have a tendency to get push back from many people on my on line contact feelings. Most don't realize how many sites I was on and how many screw balls I filtered through to find the quality circle of friends I'm so happy to have now. I hear, well I tried "_____" site and got a bunch of idiots so now I sit here alone now.I'm going to quote my gf again on our gay tour guide staring at my chest comment: "well the fun part is you attract all kinds".  And mention a chat I recently had with another trans girl I know. She has a man who wants to ask her out who she already knows to an extent. She believes he is a sweet guy.  Before I could think about it I was spouting the company line about "be careful dear" blah blah blah.Of course we all should be careful as any woman should but why should my friend be denied a shot at happiness with a guy? The reason she could find happiness is that she is different.I think the bottom line is with too many of us is that we want to jump ahead and say "well I will start dating when my breasts get a little bigger or my hair gets a little longer" or what ever. In the meantime, life slips away on us again!Think of it this way too. Bunches of cis women have children to pull them through lonely times we don't most of the time. so I think they have a tendency to be too selective and stay in their little room. On the other side of the ledger we can be very exotic critters (or erotic for some of you) because of who we are.  If you play it right, you could end up ahead of the dating competition and be careful you don't get stuck by that needle in the haystack!
    Feb 26, 2013 968
  • 21 Sep 2014
    Oh my god, I have finally did.  Actually did it and I still can't believe it.  Oh my God.   Now you may be wondering what it is that I did.  Well sadly didn't find those magic lottery numbers, sigh.  Didn't find a cure for baldness, damm nor did I find a way to get rid of all those hairs that we girls have that we don't want like chest hair, beards, etc.   Oh, now what I am talking about is my first time out and about in public.  Yes that's right, after nearly 13 or 14 years of dreaming, my first time out came and I nearly died in the first 10 minutes of it of shame.  So how, where, what, who, why, etc happened.  Then let me tell a short story.  Sitting comfortable?  Good, then I begin.  Long, long time ago in a galaxy far far away......   Well, I finally got the equipment, wig, breast forms, bum and hip enhancements and finally the clothes that were chosen for the day.  Paced them in an old rugsack which I had since the early 90s and off I went listening to some rock music to calm me down and make me excited at the same time.  I took the bus to Walsall and then waited for the train to Birmingham.  Got out of the New Street station and then got lost.  Yes that's right, got lost.  New Street was rebuilt and one fo the new entracnes made the street corner looked different.  Blast.  It took me about 5 minutes to find a pub on a corner to find my bearings.  Then I walked to Nightingale nightclub, where the Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar was.     The BBB is a fetish event held on the third Sunday on the month.  Went before to see what it was like after a young lady called Faye Sanders recommended it for me.  Faye helped me to shop for a few clothes, 2 that I was going to wear, and has a business to helop Trans ladies like us with dressing services, escorted shopping trips, etc.  At the BBB, she sells wigs but I will get tot hat in a second.   Anyway, got to the Nightingale, padi to get in, got to the dressing room and went in as Paul and came out as Suzy.  For the past hour and a bit of travelling I was both nervous and excited as hell at the same time and just couldn't believe it.  As soon as I entered the dressing room, I knew that there was no way I was going to chicken out.   And now for that shame I mentioned before,   Was never great with hair or wigs anyway and I have always like to have shoulder length wigs.  I am looking up at the ceiling right now asking why?  My god, it was terrible.  I must have looked like I put my head with the wig on in the washing machine and did a cycle.   Luckily I knew someone with a stall with wigs on to help me.  How cheeky am I?  Anyway, once that stupid wig was dealt with, I went off and did.....well whatever.  Had a couple of bottles of beer, looked at the other stalls, feet were hurting with the boots but heck  It wasn't Paul's feet hurting, it was Suzy's feet hurting.  It wasn't Paul who was walking around the BBB event.  It was Suzy who was walking around the BBB event.     I felt right being there is he only way I can describe it.  Okay, just Faye was the only person I knew there but it was only the second time I was there and besides I normally go off to places by myself but it just felt right and I felt at home with myself.   Another good thing came out of it.  Bought another wig....and this time a lot shorter wither less hair strands trying to kill me by clogging up my mouth.  Stupid wigs.  So now I am nearlyu ready to go out again in Wolverhampton next Saturday for their PRIDE.   And finally, it's funny you know that for me this week is like a bus route.  Nothing comes around for 14 years and I am going out twice in 7 days.    
    1655 Posted by Suzy Russell
  • Oh my god, I have finally did.  Actually did it and I still can't believe it.  Oh my God.   Now you may be wondering what it is that I did.  Well sadly didn't find those magic lottery numbers, sigh.  Didn't find a cure for baldness, damm nor did I find a way to get rid of all those hairs that we girls have that we don't want like chest hair, beards, etc.   Oh, now what I am talking about is my first time out and about in public.  Yes that's right, after nearly 13 or 14 years of dreaming, my first time out came and I nearly died in the first 10 minutes of it of shame.  So how, where, what, who, why, etc happened.  Then let me tell a short story.  Sitting comfortable?  Good, then I begin.  Long, long time ago in a galaxy far far away......   Well, I finally got the equipment, wig, breast forms, bum and hip enhancements and finally the clothes that were chosen for the day.  Paced them in an old rugsack which I had since the early 90s and off I went listening to some rock music to calm me down and make me excited at the same time.  I took the bus to Walsall and then waited for the train to Birmingham.  Got out of the New Street station and then got lost.  Yes that's right, got lost.  New Street was rebuilt and one fo the new entracnes made the street corner looked different.  Blast.  It took me about 5 minutes to find a pub on a corner to find my bearings.  Then I walked to Nightingale nightclub, where the Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar was.     The BBB is a fetish event held on the third Sunday on the month.  Went before to see what it was like after a young lady called Faye Sanders recommended it for me.  Faye helped me to shop for a few clothes, 2 that I was going to wear, and has a business to helop Trans ladies like us with dressing services, escorted shopping trips, etc.  At the BBB, she sells wigs but I will get tot hat in a second.   Anyway, got to the Nightingale, padi to get in, got to the dressing room and went in as Paul and came out as Suzy.  For the past hour and a bit of travelling I was both nervous and excited as hell at the same time and just couldn't believe it.  As soon as I entered the dressing room, I knew that there was no way I was going to chicken out.   And now for that shame I mentioned before,   Was never great with hair or wigs anyway and I have always like to have shoulder length wigs.  I am looking up at the ceiling right now asking why?  My god, it was terrible.  I must have looked like I put my head with the wig on in the washing machine and did a cycle.   Luckily I knew someone with a stall with wigs on to help me.  How cheeky am I?  Anyway, once that stupid wig was dealt with, I went off and did.....well whatever.  Had a couple of bottles of beer, looked at the other stalls, feet were hurting with the boots but heck  It wasn't Paul's feet hurting, it was Suzy's feet hurting.  It wasn't Paul who was walking around the BBB event.  It was Suzy who was walking around the BBB event.     I felt right being there is he only way I can describe it.  Okay, just Faye was the only person I knew there but it was only the second time I was there and besides I normally go off to places by myself but it just felt right and I felt at home with myself.   Another good thing came out of it.  Bought another wig....and this time a lot shorter wither less hair strands trying to kill me by clogging up my mouth.  Stupid wigs.  So now I am nearlyu ready to go out again in Wolverhampton next Saturday for their PRIDE.   And finally, it's funny you know that for me this week is like a bus route.  Nothing comes around for 14 years and I am going out twice in 7 days.    
    Sep 21, 2014 1655