Children

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  • Ladies, here's a serious question. Have any of you fathered children before you began your transition? How do you feel about it? Do you feel like a second mom or are you still Dad?
    I have a 7 year old daughter who I love very much, she means the world to me and I'd give up anything just to make her happy. But I can't get over the realization that my desire to have a family (it wasn't an "oops", her mother and I were engaged once upon a time) at the age of 18 was because I was in denial of/ didn't quite yet realize my inner femme. I was trying so badly to "be a man" I thought being a father would help me feel manly. These days she knows I'm a girl but isn't old enough to understand. She saw my purse and some clothes I left at her mother's house and simply said, "oh, daddy's a girl, ok", but later asked me if I don't want to be her dad anymore. I told her of coarse I still want to be her dad and no matter what I do to my body I'll always be her father. But it's strangely depressing knowing that I'll always have proof that I was once male, I want to close the door on my old life for good and burn every bridge my old self left the real me to deal with, but my daughter is the only person I never want to give up, I always want her in my life and I'll always be her dad, so I guess that's one masculine thing I'll never be able to let go.

    If any of you have children, how old were they when you started / completed your transition? How do they cope with the change and how do your exert your role as a father while maintaining your femme? This post was edited by Former Member at September 7, 2015 12:32 AM BST
      September 7, 2015 12:29 AM BST
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  • I'm highly annoyed that this didn't get a single response. I refuse to believe that I'm the only girl here who fathered children before transitioning.
      March 12, 2016 10:38 PM GMT
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  • Hi Devi.

    I never fathered any children but I think most trans girls do so you are not alone. The reason you may not have had any response maybe because the families break up and some do not want to talk about it . I maybe wrong but I am just going from what I read.

     

    You have one thing on your side and that is children are now more than ever more accepting , they are growing up in a different world to what older members here who's children did. So you are not the only one , some maybe just do not want to talk about the subject.

    Your daughter will grow up a better person knowing you love her no matter what. She will grow up knowing you are still the same person inside , I mean in your heart and soul. She will realise it was not your fault that you were born who you are and not who you were trying to hide. As she grows older she will respect you for your honesty.

    I am sure or I hope with the love you both share it will work out fine.

     

    Take care , Julia x

      March 12, 2016 11:10 PM GMT
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  • Thank you Julia, this warmed my heart reading it. I'm not nearly as involved in her life as I should be. Her mother and I don't quite see eye to eye about a lot of things and we live very different lives, far away from each other and with busy schedules. I stepped back from her life to give her step dad more of an active role because honestly he's better for her, way more financially, mentally, and emotionally stable than me. It's just depressing and confusing because I really miss her and I want her to know I love her but I'm not really sure how to show her I love her without damaging my own fragile mental health by dealing with her mother. I just hope she realizes that I'm not around as often not because I don't want to be, but because I really can't be right now.
    I guess this really is a hard topic to talk about, it is quite triggering. I want to cry now.
      March 13, 2016 5:43 AM GMT
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  • Hi Devi.

    It is natural you miss her but never forget , you created her. Her step dad will not and cannot replace that fact. I would never patronise you and say I know how you feel because it is not possible but , I do know how it feels to lose someone I loved and you have not lost her. Nothing or no one can take that love away from you. When your life is more on track you can think about spending more time with her , it must be hard not being an active big part in her life but that can change when your life is more settled.

    Just think of the positive things the future can hold for you both. Imagine lets say for now when she is 10  years old , hopefully your life will be more settled and you can then spend more time with her. What could be more fun than spending weekends together shopping and getting to know her tastes in everything , not just shopping but everything in life.

    You will always be the one that made her life possible , she would not be here without you. It is natural that you want to cry , she will always be your little girl , even when she is not so little.

     

    Take care and look after yourself , Julia x

      March 13, 2016 6:20 AM GMT
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  • Hi Devi.

    Can I ask you one question please?. If you could turn back time would you have taken a different path with your life?.

    In that question there is only one question but , if you think about it and I mean really think about it your whole life would now be totally different. You were engaged and you had a daughter so if you turned back time and you had taken a different path your daughter would not exsist. That sounds terrible thinking of your daughter not existing but you would never had known because you would not have fathered her.

     

    The reason I am asking is because I try to get the message out to young trans people to find themselves before making any big decisions that will change the lives of others. I am going to put a link at the end of this to a thread I created. In that link is another link to another thread.

    The person in the other thread (Divorcing and the unreasonable transexual) to me comes accross as being totallty selfish. It is a long thread and complicated but that person is clearly only thinking of themself. The person comes accross as only being concerned with self preservation , not thinking of the family and the hurt and destruction left behind.

     

    You come accross as a caring person from what I have read. It is hard to define someone on the internet but I can spot signs in what people write.

     

    Just take a look , I maybe wrong but I cannot see much in the way of selfishness in you. There is nothing to be ashamed of in being young and maybe being naive.

    http://gendersociety.com/forums/topic/10189/some-advice.

     

    Take care , Julia x

     

     

     

      March 13, 2016 1:56 PM GMT
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  • double post

    This post was edited by Elizabeth Tokes at March 16, 2016 4:22 AM GMT
      March 13, 2016 9:58 PM GMT
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  • "Sarah Tokes said:

    Hi Devi

    What a great subject...I am a bit slow to the party"


    I have no idea what happened here I had a complete post which I submitted and the only thing that shows is the first line?

    Anyway, what I essentially said was that I could not erase my previous life even though I may want too. My two daughters 23 and 25 have been amazing and the first thing they wanted to know is would I walk them down the aisle in male mode...I agreed as an exception for them. Over the last few months their support has just increased further and they both now understand how difficult it would be for me to walk them down the aisle presenting as my male self even though I said I would do it they have changed their minds and would not want that.

    If I had been successful at 19 when I first tried to seek help to transition then I would most likely not have my beautiful, loving and highly supportive family. So how could I possible regret that...I can't...do I wish it had been different...yeah I guess I did but as the crass saying goes "wish in one hands..t in the other and see which one fills up first"

    I get incredible support from my family, the further along this transition path I go the happier I get. They recognise this and it makes them happy after watching me slowly deteriorate over the last 15 years, it is good to feel positive for a change.

    Elizabeth (Formerly Sarah)

      March 13, 2016 10:14 PM GMT
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  • Thank you both ladies. To answer your question Julia, I'm really conflicted over it. I really really wish I would have seen the signs earlier and found my femme at a younger age. I wish I could have started HRT before I was done going through male puberty. But with that said, I don't regret having my daughter at all nor do I regret my relationship with her mother. Despite all of our differences she really is a great person and a wonderful woman. I think if I started my transition when I was still with her we probably would still have wanted to have a family together while I was still able to impregnate her. My daughter is the only good thing I've contributed to the world thus far and is proof that I did something right at least once in my life. I wouldn't trade her for anything, I just wish I was able to be involved in her life more than I have been. Unfortunately I'm not financially, mentally, or emotionally able yet to be the type of parent she deserves. I don't have the means to visit her as much as I should and my living situation isn't really suitable for a child to visit me. I just hope that someday she realizes that my absence isn't her fault at all. Its not that I don't love her or don't care about her, I just can't provide for her right now. What makes it worse is I've been in and out of jail for her whole life. As a guy I was pretty wreckless and often didn't care about the consequences of my actions, which got me in a lot of trouble when I was younger. It's been difficult trying to get to know her because she never really has known me. I distanced myself from her and her mother until I can be sure I'll never leave again. I want to be around for her but want to be sure I can stay in her life. It's worse to come and go than to simply go. I've been trying my hardest to achieve the stability nessesary but my life keeps throwing me obstacles that set me back further.
      March 15, 2016 6:29 AM GMT
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  • Hi Devi.

    If everyone was totally honest they would all admit they had wished they done something sooner about their gender identity. You sound a little bit like me when I was young (no disrespect intended). I rebelled against society and all it stood for. There was no one I could talk to about the way I was feeling as a child apart from one person I trusted and even then I did not open up completely until it was to late.

     

    My behaviour in school was disruptive and that is putting it lightly. It must have seemed to others that my sole intention was to destroy the education system. My disruptive behaviour led me to eventually at the age of 12 just shout out in class I am a girl not a boy. That in turn led on to me being raped by one of the teachers. Then that caused my education to end that day. All I learnt from school was the basics of reading and writing and also never to trust an adult I was put in the care of.

    We have to just accept that sh*t happens but it seems to happen to us more for being who we are. Never mind the question I asked you , I guessed it would be a hard one to answer , as you have said you are conflicted over it.

    I noticed before I came back here that you posted where is the best country to live in the world for transgenders (Forgive me if that was not you but I think it was). The safest and best place in my opinion is the UK. If you were here in the UK I would help you get over the obstacles life keeps on throwing at you. I know life is hard but I also know how to make it better. From my experiences in life I have learnt how to get through anything life can throw at a person.

    There were times in my life when I could see no happy ending for me , it seemed I was fighting a losing battle but I made it. I made it through sheer determination and all I can do right now with you being stuck on the other side of the world is say "You can do it". However much it may seem right now that you will not make a success of your life it can be done. Take it from someone who's education was stolen from them in such a cruel way as a child. I never thought I would have my own business but I made that dream come true.

    I truly hope that you can find a goal in life and aim for it. Knock the obstacles down and if they knock you down just get right back up again. You deserve a decent life and a chance to prove yourself. Make your little girl proud of you just as you are proud of her.

     

    You take care , Julia xx

    This post was edited by Former Member at March 15, 2016 5:03 PM GMT
      March 15, 2016 10:54 AM GMT
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  • Oh wow, that's horrible! I'm so sorry :(
    I know things will all work out eventually, they always do. Thank you so much for the kind words dear, I really do feel better about the whole thing now :)
      March 15, 2016 5:02 PM GMT
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  • Hi Devi.

    There really is no need for you to be sorry it was him that done it and it is now just history although it will never leave me , but thank you anyway. That may seem like the worse thing that can happen to a child but it was not in my case , there is one thing I cannot talk about.

     

    I am so pleased you feel better about things now. Remember I know just how it feels having a body telling you one thing and your mind telling you the opposite. One day but not in my life time everyone will understand what gender dysphoria means. They will understand that it is not the fault of the person who has it , your daughter will be one of those.

    Please just keep moving forward and make the best of your life. You are not strange or what anyone may think of you. You are a unique individual and it was natures mistake not yours , none of this was your fault. Being you does not make you a lesser human being than anyone else , it just makes life harder but when you overcome that the jigsaw will all fit into place and it will make you a stronger person.

     

    Again Thank you . You take care , Julia xx

      March 15, 2016 5:36 PM GMT
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  • Thank you ^_^
      March 15, 2016 7:14 PM GMT
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  • Hi Devi,

     

    To answer your post, I have five children ranging from 8 to 25 and I love them all very much. I'm still their 'dad' but they are aware that I'm not male anymore. My older children were teenagers at the time and only one of them struggled with it a little, although she is absolutely fine now. She felt she was losing her Dad, which she was as I would not be the same person any more. However, she came to realise that nothing has really changed and I am still the same inside, perhaps even better now I'm not hiding. 

     

    It was very hard for me and I still regret it to some extent as I feel it was unfair to push this on them and make them deal with it. Luckily, they were fine about it but I still feel for them. It's not easy introducing your Dad, (and yes, they still call me that), to your friends when your Dad is a woman. They are incredible. 

     

    I also have two younger children who have grown up through my transition so they don't really know the 'old me'. They see me in photos, like our wedding pictures and they think I look much better now! (their words). They too have to deal with inviting friends over to play or sleepover and deal with who I am. They have not yet had any problems over it though so that says a lot to me about how the world is changing, particularly as I live in a military environment. 

     

    I'm so glad I had children, they improve your quality of life to no end and you just can't understand that until you have a child of your own. There are some women out there who will never get to experience the joys that your children bring to you so I feel priviliged to have had such lovely children. 

    Every woman is beautiful, some show it with their faces, others show it with their hearts.
      March 15, 2016 7:23 PM GMT
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