Firstly Lisa Thank you for the above. If anyone here calls this preaching then think again "It is teaching" .
Children? The most fascinating of all age groups , non judgemental and innocent. That innocence is what I love about children.
As a child I knew my gender even though it did not match my body , to say my childhood was difficult would be an understatement. I could not hide it and I was punished over and over for not conforming to what they thought I should be. Not just the broken bones but the scars , mental scars that however hard I try to forget will never leave me.
Children are open minded and they also say what they see and think with innocence unlike adults. Some adults say what they think they see and think it is wrong because in their eyes it is not conforming to society.
Going back a few years after I stopped driving I had no choice but to use the bus to go on a 17 mile journey. There was only one bus where I was living at the time and it was the school bus. I used that bus daily and shared it with about 50 children. This was in my first years of transition. Never once was I shown any disrespect from those children. They knew my name and to hear those voices saying hello Julia or Hi Julia helped me more than they will ever know , that bus journey was a joy to take daily. It was fun and friendly.
My so called phase I had as a child that so many tried to beat out of me must still be going on , it must be the longest bloody phase in history.
When I first met one of my friends 10 year old daughter she stood with her mother looking a bit bored and left out of the conversation. I asked her do you know what gender is? She replied yes. So I asked her what gender am I ? . She replied you are female silly. I then asked her have you noticed anything different about me? She replied you are tall , she went on to say I want to be tall like you. Just for fun I said how old do you think I am? She then said mum how old are you? Her mother replied 39 , she then said I reckon you are 27 then , as I was 56 at the time her mother was not to pleased but laughed it off.
It takes a lot to bring tears to my eyes as I think I am all cried out but when I first read what is in the following link I shed some www.thestar.co.uk/what-s-on/out-and-about//cross-dress-pupil-suicide-1-243320 because I was 10 years old once. Between the age of 9 to 12 were most likely the hardest years of my life. There were certain points in that time I had no wish or reason to live. I expressed myself so much in that time as the gender I knew I was and sh*t did I take some beatings for it.
My so called phase will end when I draw my last breath.
Again Thank you Lisa , take care.
Julia xx
Lisa..you are a breath of fresh air in here and I am so glad you have come to us to share your thoughts, feelings, and insights! (smile) I can relate to your personal journey for somewhere around the age of three, I recall my mother dressing me in girls clothing to go out and play and even have a Halloween pic somewhere of me around age of 3 or 4 in a dress, bonnet, and a touch of makeup. I was always small for my age untio I reached about 15 but always felt I was a girl. One day, while I was dressed in girl clothing, my father came home from work early. He saw me in the playground and yelled at me to come inside. When I grew up, it was OK to beat the girl out of the boy and did I ever get spanked! After a few more instances of this, my mother stopped allowing me to dress and go out and I began a path of sneaking into femme clothing as often as I could. I had two sisters who were about the same size so finding things to wear was easy. This continued thru my teen years and one day, while vacationing at the ocean, I snuck a bikini off a clothesline and put it on and went down to another section of the beach to be alone as me for the day. My hair was fairly long then, my voice had not changed, nor had I any body hair. I was 15, almost 16 then. I looked very, very pretty. I swam and sunned myself all day and even had a few boys come by to flirt with me! *gasp*!!!!! I returned home and my mother saw me and grabbed her camera and took a shot...it was great "fun" for them, for me it was perfection!
I was gifted athletically and eventually migrated into a professional career, but continued to dress when we returned from road trips. I'd sneak into NYC dressing in the car while applying my makeup. I fell into a fast crowd around Greenwich Village that included the likes of Andy Warhol and his friends. I really looked pretty and still had not physically matured with facial or body hairs and had a long, lean smooth body comparable to the fashion models of the day. I fit in quite well!
Mind you, I felt I was a girl from my earliest recollections, but there was no internet then, nor was there any "role models" to blaze a path to follow. I felt very alone until I ran in the NYC scene. But I also felt that I was doomed to live life as a male forever and just tried to cope the best I could. I met, fell in love, and married a terrific woman and never disclosed my gender issues with her. I figured I would just give it all up and become the good husband and father. And I did, to an extent! My work/job took me on the road for a week at a time every other week and I would pack a second bag with wigs, clothing, and makeup and when my day was over, would change out to femme garb and go out. It was enough to quell any further desires and I truly enjoyed my life with my wife and kids.
The kids grew up, moved out of the house, and I could no longer be satisfied living my life the way I was living it. I totally opened up to my wife over a period of a few months and the **** hit the fan. Of course she was hurt feeling that our lives were built on a lie. To some extent, they were, but in reality, nothing changed about me other than I had a feminine body by now and was a smooth as she was all over. Our love for each other is deep though and thru many conversations, I was able to demonstrate over time that I was not going to do anything to embarrass her in front of the world, that I was still the same person she fell in love with, and that it was my intent to be with her forever. In order to make things work, we agreed to a series of compromises that allowed me daily space to be myself and also spend quality time daily with her. She does not want to see me as Traci and I am respectful of our agreement. We live in a city of about 200,000 people and a metro area of over 1 million, so there is plenty of room to pursue my interests as Traci while ensuring our paths do not cross. When femme, I am very passable and have walked right by her best friends and others who know me only as a male without them even noticing! And this is even while making femme eye contact and a gentle smile! LOL
As time goes on, I find myself more femme daily and even androgynous when not dressed and she has reached a point where it is not an issue anymore. She is a saint. Will I ever live full time? I sure hope so and continue to migrate in that direction. But I love her too much to push her to the point where she walks away or tosses me out.
How this pertains to your thread??? Well, I knew early on about my gender issues. My parents knew as well...but the times were different then as there truly was no chance of ever being allowed to transition from m2F then. To frame it, I was 19 at Woodstock! (grin) I think my parents thought it was a "phase" that I'd outgrow, and to an extent, pursuing a sport for a living fulfilled that. But I truly believe that if one is of the T community, that it is something you never outgrow or leaves you. It actually grew so much stronger with each year and is never going to go away. Today, I have a femme body so there is no turning back...the most difficult part of all of this though was learning to love yourself and accept yourself just the way you are! Growing up when I did, there was zero chance of social disclosure as this would have shamed the family among other things. So I felt like a freak for the longest time...
I'm glad things are getting easier for the young people today, but it has not come without the huge efforts of many who proceeded me and sacrificed much to attain a status of at least being recognized. Back then, they would place you in a mental institution no questions asked. In fact, if caught wearing three or more articles of opposite your born gender, you could be arrested on a morals charge and locked up! So I risked lots every time I dressed but did so because of what I was and am...
I'm am totally OK with me as me and am in a "happy place" owing much to the effects of estrogen. My life is filled with clarity, purpose, and a sense of compassion that resided in me but was masked by the ugly effects of T.
Thank you again for your contriibutions...
Traci xoxo
Time is not on my side today so this is going to be short. Traci has touched on something I told Lisa after her nasty welcome here. I told Lisa to stay here , you are a breath of fresh air to this website.
Lisa is a very supporting woman and the fact that she is a genetic female has nothing to do with her membership here. She is not here to sell anything or herself. She is not here for self gain , she is here because she cares. Look above and ask yourselves if you doubt what I am typing. You will find very few members here who go to the trouble to make posts like she does.
I have not had the time as yet to look at the links Lisa has posted but I will later and come back to this. The link I posted about the 10 year old boy who hung himself I placed in a topic Cristine and myself started in my last membership here "A roll of tragic events" . That was sparked by the suicide of Leelah Alcorn. The 10 year old boy in that link in my opinion was not a boy. He at the time never had the chance to see a professional to get a diagnosis. To feel the need to end his life by hanging he most likely was a she and was denied a chance to become herself.
Anyone who comes here to offer support should be supported and made welcome. I am so pleased Lisa stayed after her bad experience here and am proud to call her a friend.
I have to get going.
Take care , Julia xx
From personal experiences, I now conclude, I did not know at an early age, transgender, transexual, unknown words, innocent fun and comfortable feeling in what I did. My young life took a dramatic change at the age of 12, I learned words like pervert, ladyboy. queer, nancy boy, Had quite an effect on me and my outlook on life for some time. There does come a time when realisation sets in and one has to question who they are, look for reasons why they are what they are, probably in my circumstances I was looking for a 'told you so', excuse, The condition I have was inherited from my mother, someone who never accepted that, my abnormal behaviour resulted in dire repercussions for my father, something my mother will stick by until the day she dies.
As to children accepting their fathers dressing in front of them, at a young age I think it's wrong, as noted in another thread.
http://gendersociety.com/articles/261/trans-and-sexuality
http://gendersociety.com/articles/176/the-science-behind-reifenstein-s-syndrome
I still have not had time to read or look at the links in this topic , I seriously am so tired and my eyes cannot take it.
We are all different and also all unique. We all had or have different experiences. I have no clue if it just Crissie and myself but that age of 12 was one of the worse years of my life , I doubt it is just us two. There is one year I cannot talk about on here and that was when I was aged 11 , I learnt how cruel and sick some people can be. The book I am currently writing about my life I have to be 100% honest in. Writing about that year was one of the hardest things I have had to do as an adult , of course the hardest part was living through it as child.
I never knew why I was different as a child , in my eyes I was normal but I was reminded daily and many times in a day I was not normal. I had no one to ask why so I bought a dictionary. I read that dictionary in the hope the answer was in there. I cannot remember how long it took but I know it was a long time before I reached the letter T . On reaching that letter I eventually came accross 2 words , Transvestite and Transexual. I knew I was not a transvestite from how it read. I then knew I was a Transexual and yes it was spelt with one S , I have no idea when or why someone added another S to the word.
I felt relieved but not for very long , I knew what I was finally but was still in the same place , very alone. I have not one single good memory of my mother , I have searched but there is not one. My father was killed in an accident at work when I was 10 years old , I have so many good memories of him. He must have known I was different because everyone else had noticed and punished me for it. My father took me everywhere with him when he was not working , it was like he was protecting me. He never once hit me or raised his hand to me. I will never know if he would have accepted me as a female but I do know he was the only one who showed me what love was as a child. I can only hold on to the thought that he may have accepted me , if I let that thought go It will be like letting the love go , I cannot do that.
I have read Crissie's comment about children accepting their fathers dressing in front of them at a young age being wrong and I totally agree. I will find the time to read the links in this topic and return to it.
I cannot read back on what I have just typed so I apologise in advance for any mistakes I may have made.
I need food and a shower and live in hope I will get more than 4 hours sleep tonight.
For now you all take care , Julia xx
Lisa, tihnking of your original post, I can honestly say that children don't care about a person's gender, including that of their parents. They need to know that they are safe, cared for and loved, and that's all that really matters to them. I have children who saw me transitioning when they were teenagers and apart from one little hiccup, it all went fine. That hiccup was resolved very quickly once my daughter in question knew I was still the same inside.
I also have younger children and they were very little at the time so they don't know anything else. I always worry a little about the problems it may cause for them but to date, there haven't been any. I attend school plays, they have their friends over for playing or sleepovers and there have been no problems. There is usually one of two questons, either A) why does your Dad look like a woman? Or B) Why do you have two Mums? My children explain it in their own way and I have never asked them to say anything on my behalf, and yes, they still refer to me as Dad as that is who I am to them and I would not make them change it even though it would make things simpler for us all.
Are they confused or damaged in some way? No. Both are doing extremely well in school and have good friendship groups. They don't see gender as an issue in the same way that they don't see race or colour as an issue. I'm very proud of them.
I think part of the problem for children of our generation is that we were just supposed to do as we were told, at home and in school and things were not explained to us. My parents also divorced when I was around 9 or 10 and I had no idea why. I knew that they were often arguing but I had no idea they were splitting up. To be honest, day to day it never affected me much as my Dad was often away working so I never really saw him a great deal. I was also (sadly) not close to my family because I was 'strange'. However, this 'strange' girl and her eldest sister were the only ones who kept in touch with their Dad. When I joined the military, he was very proud, being an ex soldier himself. The divorce, and my own feelings were never talked about so it did make things more puzzleing than they needed to be. A few conversations would have gone a long way, even if back then, not much would be done about it.
However, I still view the experiences as positive as it made me approach my parenting in a totally different manner. Everything is explained to my children and their opinions are sought on most issues affecting them. Their choices are respected and they know (particularly my older children) that while I may not always agree with their choices, I will respect them. As a result, we have a fantastic bond.
This is very a interesting topic although I still have not had time to take a look at the links. As a child my life was pure hell where my gender identity was concerned. My mother showed me no love at-all and at the age of 10 the one who did "My father" was killed in an accident at work.
After my father died my mother was left with 6 children including myself. The only thing my mother taught me was hate , not how to hate but what hate was and she showed that hate towards me , not my brothers or sister just me. I know she thought I was strange but a mother should want to know why.
I have a massive music collection and I can pick a song for virtually any topic or person. In the link at the end of this Kelly Clarkson breaks down @ 2 minutes 2 seconds. Kelly Clarkson wrote this song about her childhood and the break up of her parents. It is in actual fact about her father and the deteriorating pain he caused her arguing with her mother.
When a song touches me as many do I feel the need to find out why. I feel the need to find out who wrote it and why.
To me this shows that good can come from bad and lessons can be learnt at any age.
Watch listen and enjoy. This song was at first rejected by Kelly Clarkson's recording company , I am so pleased it was released in the end and it is easy to see why it won best video award 2006. At the point Kelly broke down as mentioned above it just shows us all that we never forget the pains in our childhoods however hard we try.
https://youtu.be/Ra-Om7UMSJc
Take care
Julia xx
Thank you for that Lisa. It is hard to watch and listen to your Kelly Clarkson link without feeling like shedding some tears , I have to hold them back but a few escape.
Yes I do intend to leave a mark on this world when I leave it , I know I already have but I want to leave a crater.
What family I do have pushed me very close to ending my life when I came out as me. I heard last year they were trying to contact me but that was crap because they know where I am. They used the radio to say after nearly 12 years they understand , bullsh*t. Very strange because a few months later my brother called me on the phone asking to borrow a 4 figure sum of money from me. I can never welcome them back into my life because it is all about them and what they want.
I told you I do not collect friends here in a jar of hearts. I need to trust someone to call them a friend.
The song in this link is about a man who treats females like his toys to play with when only he feels like it. Take away the part about him being a heart breaker in lover terms it reminds me of my family.
https://youtu.be/8v_4O44sfjM
Take care , love , Julia x
Not to change the subject, but You Tube Disturb's version of Simon and Garfunkle's "Sound of Silence" if you are in the mood to have your senses numbed for a spell. Written in a minor key with an accompanying symphony, this song is both dark and angry while remaining beautiful at the same time! I sat in tears listening to it over and over...it is rare these days to have a song move me that much!
Enjoy...
Traci xoxo
Wow! The imagery is dark...lots of death and horrible lives depicted...maybe it's just a dream for her?
Have you ever listened to the Finnish goth metal band "Nightwish"? I love them!
Traci xoxo
They do a song with a video called "Amaranth" with loads of symbolism of the fallen Christ...good song and the video is wide open to interpretation. Their lead singer is trained in opera and she has a fabulous voice with an enormous range! I also do not normally migrate to that genre but was turned on to them by someone whose music opinion I respect very much. Glad she shared it with me...(smile)
Traci xoxo
As this topic has drifted onto music here is a song from an artist I admire. I am not to keen on this but as it was on her second album , I listened to it , then I listened again. As a lyric listener this reminded me of the day I came out fulltime as who I am. The words and video tell a story about a day , that day. In the video which matches the lyrics she is ignored just as I was. The words decribe every emotion and feeling.
http://youtu.be/1e2_MvwLTI8 I still and always will prefer her debut single Torn and her first album. Natalie Imbruglia singing That Day.
Take care , Julia x
As I said Lisa That day has every emotion there is , or virtually. That day I came out.Those last lines.
Alone, strong
And I'm nothing
And I am true
Only a brave man can break through (Me if he dares) I added that.
And it's all okay
Yeah it's okay.
And I was okay and still am but no longer a nothing , I am someone , I am me and bloody proud of it.
Sorry I like Natalie Imbruglia's version of Torn better , it has more soul.
Love , Julia x
And the words to this mean a lot to me. I had the pleasure to meet Delta Goodrem but at a sad time for her.
Born to Try https://youtu.be/qTBOJ71ypRw And we were born to try.
Take care , Julia x
It was her debut single Lisa and she did make some amazing follow ups. I think she was only 16 or just over when she recorded it but have not checked. Yes she is beautiful but at the time I met her she was not very well (the C word). I told her that song could have been written for me , her reply was me too. I think the lyrics are very female related , it just comes accross that way. We used to have a music forum here but it was never used , I tried to revive it but it was not to be. I cannot work without music on in the background , it relaxes me and the right songs and artists inspire me.
Take care , Julia x
Same here Julia...I always have a tune running thru my brain even when away from any source of music! I often scurry home and sit down with my guitars to work out those melodies or even create my own...it never runs "dry" for me! Music is my heartbeat! (smile)
Traci xoxo
I wish I had a brain Traci lol , I think I have got a hard drive in my head and it is getting full. Sometimes I repeat myself . I wish I had a brain Traci repeat myself Traci myself myself repeat repeat repeat Traci brain Traci Sorry web page has expired expired expired expired........................................................................Julia , xxx
*gagging on my smoothie* LOL Whatever it is you're on Julia, I want some too...(smile)
Traci xoxo