Hi Girls,

I'm looking for some advise in coping with a SO who is very angry.

Background
We've been married for 20+ years. Off and on since I was 8, I've had feelings about my gender identity that I have suppressed.

Around 6 months ago, these feelings became too strong to
deny any more. Working at home has allowed me to spend much time as Michelle. It was then that I learned that my feelings were not simply a fetish or sexual thing. Being Michelle completes something in me that is hard to explain. It's like I've moved from observer to active participant in my own life. When I'm working, reading a book or simply doing housework, I feel so much happier as Michelle.

Then the fateful day.....
About 2 months ago, I made a scary decision and came out to my wife. The approach, however, was probably the stupidest decision ever made . I simply remained as Michelle, and when she got home from work, I asked her to come upstairs. At first she was shocked. It was surprising that she then began to comment on how I was dressed, hair , nails, legs, shoes, etc. and suggested improvements. She indicated that she though I was having an affair and was relieved that I wasn't. Then she got angry!

After she vented, she had questions around my sexual preferences, how long this has been going on and If she was responsible. Then things went very quiet for a couple of days. I avoided being Michelle whenever she was around.

We've continued to do "normal things" as she put it until this week. While I was on a business trip, she called me at midnight and said "We need to talk". She said alot of angry things, called my behaviour evil and delivered an ultimatum. It has to stop or it's over.

How have you girls handled the POST-COMING OUT phase of your relationship with your SO's ?? I could sure use some advise.

upset and confused,
Michelle Lynn

Thanks Sarah. Just being able to discuss with someone helps. I need to think of what she is going through as well. Any suggestions on resources for helping SO's understand what we girls are about?

best regards,
Michelle Lynn

Hi Meredith,

Things have calmed down for now. She has a number of questions , but has backed off of the ultimatum stance she had earlier. I guess it will be a day at a time. Hopefully, she and I can have constructive discussions, but we are taking it very slow. Thanks for your advise and support.

Best wishes,
Michelle Lynn

Hi Michelle,

Just to let you know, I'm in the same situation as you. My wife still can not comprehend that a person like me can't be gay. I don't know if you have shaved your legs, etc., but the major complaint about that from my wife is that when we are in bed she feels like she is a lesbian. This is a big sticking point with my wife, I hope you don't go through the same things I have been having to deal with. And as it was said before, you can either hide Michelle which I know is practically impossible, or chuck it all and start from scratch. Myself, I go from one extreme to the other probably once a month based on the comments I get from her. What I have found out is when my mood is low, for some reason I really don't feel like dressing, but when she gets my goat for some reason I want to run out and dance all night .

Good luck, and if you ever need to chat just let me know.

Huggz....

Casandra

Hi Michelle,

i had the same thing a few years back, my ex-wife thought i was either gay or kinky so she used it to her advantage for sex. Anyway i live with my girlfriend now and i am transitioning, but the important part is we talk.

Sarah has given you the best bit of advice going, there is nothing anyone can say all situations are different. But Sarah has layed out three options which i think are three really good options. Remember you wife has feelings but immportantly so do you hun.........good luck.....hugz Julie xx

I have noticed very often the life is balancing between being yourself and offering something to your relationship. Very few of us can be fully themselves and yet have a good and a problemless relationship.
My own marriage ended already to my coming out as a transsexual. After that there was no return.

Laura

Laura you are so true, another thing that SO's think is" Is it my fault your like this" or "its in your mind". Then the hurt and nastyness starts......hugz Julie xx

Hi Michelle,

I went throught the same thing you're going through now about 5 years ago. I came out to my SO because I couldn't keep it to myself any longer and I wanted to be honest with her. It would have been more fair to her I suppose, if I would have told her before we got married. Then she could have made the decision to accept that part of me or end our relationship. Silly me, I thought these feelings would go away once we were married and started a family. Of course the feelings didn't go away and eventually became even stronger.

She was very angry at first, not to mention worried and confused. I thought she would want to end our marriage at first. She threatened to a few times but never followed through. She kept telling me (and still does sometimes) she wished I'd never told her about "Monika". I guess it's like "what you don't know can't hurt you." However, over the last few years, things have gotten a little better. She's even bought me quite a few things (ie: clothes, make-up & shoes) for
"Monika". Every once in a while she'll even make a little joke about the situation and we'll both have a bit of a laugh.

My SO is the only person who knows about "Monika". She's never seen her dressed however. I've asked several times and she keeps refusing. My SO does allow "Monika" to come out but it's usually late at night and she just goes to our bedroom to avoid her. I know it's not perfect, but for now this seems to work. We've been taking it one day at a time for the last 5 years or so. She still has some anger and every now and then she will vent and say that if she knew about this other side of me she would never have gotten married to me. But we are still together.

I guess what I'm trying to say Michelle, is that you need to give your SO some time and don't overwhelm her with all of this. A mistake I made when I first came out to my SO...all I wanted to talk about with her was dressing & shopping for "Monika". I think I almost dove her crazy. Once I came out to her it was like a huge weight was off my shoulders and I just wanted to explore my feminine feelings as much as I could. I've learned to keep this kind of talk to a minimum.

Like I said before, my situation is far from perfect, but it is working for me. I get to dress quite often and I don't have the stress of having to hide "Monika's" things from my SO. It does get a bit lonely sometimes as I don't have any TG friends other than on Trannyweb (I love this place!). However, I know at some point I'm going to have to get "out" and meet some other girls. When that time comes I'm not sure how my SO will take it. She doesn't want Monika going out of the house. That's why I'm not rushing things, I'm hoping that in time my SO will come around and be a lot more supportive and even help me "out of the closet"(keeping my fingers crossed!).

In short Michelle, give your SO the time she needs and keep reassuring her. Communication is the key here. Good luck hon, I really hope things work out for you.

Hugs,

Monika

I guess it is quite normal that when you marry a woman, you think that your female self disappears. Or you think that your wife could maybe accept it.
Of course the honest way would be to say "hey I´m like this, you can still back out". That´s what I say now to my boyfriends. I have a ts background. I have learned a lesson from my marriage.
I don´t want to hide any more.

Laura

Michelle,

Been there, done that and got the T-shirt. It's never easy telling your biggest secret to the one person you are most scared of losing over it. The real secret to working it all out is time and communication, OkK the 2 big secrets are (no stop before it gets Pythonesque!).

I told my GF 3 years ago and at first all seemed to go better than expected, there were a few issues to sort out which we managed by talking and explaining what it all meant. Then we went through a tough patch partly due to my dressing and partly due to moving to France. Also my feelings about who and what I am have changed over the time she's know because I have been able to freely express my true self.
Main thing is we are talking and taking it day by day, things have improved recently so I think the rough patch is over for now.
What I hope has come over is you have to keep talking and you must remain open and honest with her about it all, don't hide anything else from her as you have to rebuild a degree of trust again. Give her time, space and quality guy time and I'm sure things will work out for you both, especially if you truly love each other.

If you want to chat more feel free to ping me either on MSN or Yahoo or in the chatroom here. If you want my ID's just pop me a quick message or e-mail.

love
Alex
xxx

Hi Alex

We have already discussed this earlier. I am afraid what works for one does not necessarily work for another. A gg is going to feel threatened, yours included, by another woman be it gg or cd. In many instances our feelings increase as we age and by then many would be in long term relationships, most with family. That is if the relationships survive. Thats another question. I told my wife I had several female feelings, she asked if I was gay, which I correctly answered no. She does bring it up whenever we have an arguement. I did not tell her I was TS. That problem is coming. 4 out of five long term relationships end when the partner is informed according to what I have read on various sites. I do not know the answer and remain in the closet, suffering.

Hi Michelle
Im an SO (mum) and if I can offer any advice it would be to give your wife time. She will be going through a roller coaster of emotions including shock and fear. You have been aware of your feelings for some time but she has suddenly been told something that will change her life forever. It gives rise to many emotions and she will need help to learn about your feelings and how it has affected you and her. I was helped tremendously by my daughter when she came out to us. She advised me about many different websites to use to educate myself. And that is the key, learning is understanding. But again I emphasize that what she really needs at the moment,is love and understanding of her reactions and above all, time to adjust.
Lots of love
Dorothy an SO (mum)
Butterflies begin from having been another (from a song by Eva Cassidy)

Hi Girls,

Thank you very, very much for the support and for sharing how each of you have handled a very tough part of each of your lives. As Alexandra said "It's never easy telling your biggest secret to the one person you are most scared of losing over it.".

After looking at each of your kind messages, I have decided to give my wife alot of space and take it very slowly. Only time will tell how this works out. For now, my wife has calmed down quite a bit from last week and last night we even went out on a date (as Husband and wife). I have not initiated any discussions about Michelle, but she has begun to ask questions with an inquisitive tone instead of the "Angry/Hurt" tone she had last week. I think it is her way of coping with our evolving relationship. (At least I hope it evolves).

Julie, Monika, Sarah, Alexandra and those of you who have been through this already, it is truely a comfort to hear your experiences and how you handled it. Meredith and Casandra, I hope that your current situation works out well. Thanks again....

Love, OXOXOX

Michelle Lynn

Hi Girls,
Thank you Girls for all the support, advise and understanding !!!
The situation is calm for now. My wife is no longer angry and we actually have been doing many more things together. I have been trying to be sensitive to her needs and feelings, which at this point includes only dressing when she is not home.

One insight from your messages that was very helpful - "You have been aware of your feelings for some time but she has suddenly been told something that will change her life forever. " (from Dorothy). I guess putting yourself in "her shoes" (pun intended) allowed me slow down and give her time to cope. Hopefully, over time, she will accept Michelle.


Hugz.....oxox
Michelle Lynn

Hi Michelle
All the girls here on this wonderful site want nothing more than to help and support each other. We are all on the path to the rest of our lives as my beloved daughter quotes. At times its an extremely difficult and painful path but I sincerely hope, with love and understanding, we can all find some happiness.
Take care Michelle. I wish you and your family all the happiness you richly deserve.
Love Dorothy

Michelle,
My situation is very similar. Since I've posted blogs and forums pieces about this before I'll be brief. I always knew about my feminine side and hid it for years. About a year and a half ago my wife found one of my skirts, and, like you, thought I was having an affair. I love her and would NEVER betray our marriage vows.

I found Trannyweb and this place gave me courage to move forward. I first came out to my wife's best friend because I knew she could help. Finally, just over a year ago, I told my wife that I was CD. The past year has been up and down. She called me a freak a few times. At other times we've spoken honestly about it. She will never accept it, although I think she's resigned to it, just as long as nobody sees what I do. She does know about Trannyweb, and I often tell her about the conversations we have here.

Of course she's angry! So is my wife because, and rightfully so, I should have told her years ago. Yet I couldn't, and, not to be disrespectful, I'm glad I didn't because otherwise a lot would not have happened, including the birth of our beautiful daughter. I don't know if she'll ever get over it. But what you can do is be the person she married and fell in love with. Even if you do like to dress. Show her how you care for her.

Time will tell how it proceeds with your relationship. As I mentioned, it's been just over a year and it's still an issue. It will never go away because who we are cannot go away.

Michelle, please drop me a line either here or at [email protected] if you need to chat about this further. I understand fully. More over, I am contemplating ending this silence forever and coming out fully as being TG. It's probably not wise to do so right now, but it is in my mind.

Michelle Lynn,

I am so happy you wrote to me. That's one of things about Trannyweb, at least to me. It's been a source of strength. I knew I wasn't the only one out there, but I was alone. Since coming here I know better. Give her time. But also don't feel guilty about who you are. As I wrote to you in that message, the best thing is not to rub it in her face. At times let her bring it up. And when she does, no matter how agitated she might get, be calm.

Something like that happened about a month back, and in a funny way. I wrote this in a blog, but I'll briefly reiterate here. A dude married to my wife's co-worker does handyman work for us. He made a comment that when he comes over and if I have a girl here I'd have to share her. After they hung up the phone my wife laughed and essentially said that I wouldn't have another girl here but I'd BE the girl. She also said Meredith would give him a heart attack. But, Michelle, this has been the exception - to laugh about it - and not the rule. It's still not a welcomed topic, although it's getting better. She knows I speak on the phone to a few of my TW girlfriends here, and that we've sent things in the mail to each other.

Still, Michelle, she also might be thinking this is an aspect of your life she'll never be a part of. Not that she thinks this is "normal," but that this is beyond your relationship. I am speaking in the general sense now and not going into details because this would make this the world's longest forum piece. I'm sure, for right now, she doesn't want to see you as Michelle Lynn, but that this is something outside your marriage that might mean more to you than her. As I said before, just show how much you love her, and that you're that same person she initially fell in love with years ago. But what I'm saying right now is just a theory and could be totally untrue to your life.

Let me know how else I can help.
Love, Mere XXXOOO

Michelle,
We're been corresponding, and I'm here to help. The girls here at TW have offered up great thoughts. I will say this - I came out to my wife just over a year ago, and we're moving forward. Yet, and please keep this in mind, whenever you have an argument over ANYTHING - money, dishes, etc. - if she feels the need to "win" she will throw this in your face.

As I've said before, just show how much you love her. That's not to say you should roll over and give in whenever she throws BS in your face. Certainly stand your own ground. She's going to be angry, over anything, as you will be. Relationships are - to quote Dan Savage - a series of carefully negotiated truces.

Yes, it will take time. I should know. It's still taking time. Mere