March 1. I told my mother that I always wanted to be a girl. Trannieweb obviously played some part here. Actually, it came out like this: I asked if she remembered that a boy slept over at our house back in 1978 - when I was 11 years old. (This came to the surface of my memory a couple of years ago.) I tried to make him kiss me like a girl. He told me that he and some other boys had kissed some girls. Being incredibly naive I asked him - explicitly - to do the same thing with me. It did not turn out well. After this I was frozen out by the boys in my school class. And I think that my father somehow suspected how things were. He started picking on my small mannerisms - like always sitting when at the bathroom, keeping my hair as long as I could get away with etc. In a year or two the girl was gone (from the surface) and all I was left with was my mothers underwear or some garments of my sister - in secret. That was the year when my true ordeal began. (The "eclipse" of this forced "manhood" was two years of military school in my 19th and 20th year, becoming a sec.lt. After this: 15 years of continued struggle to undo as much as I can of the damage he inflicted upon me.)
It is no more than two weeks since I found Trannieweb. But there is another reason why I am sure that this played an important part in telling my mother: I tried to make up a surname that I liked. After some effort I sort of gave it up, but then I picked up the telephone catalogue (for Oslo) and searched without thinking too much. And I actually found the name Oma. Having told my mother - my "ma" - it seems quite obvious now: O is the first letter of the name I was given as a boy. The past few days I have been crying a lot - wishing that this had happened years ago. But I feel more like an angel than ever.
Linda - just the name of an ordinary girl.

Thanks to all of you,

Joni, Karen, Lucy, I do need the support and knowing that you are here makes my hopes grow. I read your blog Lucy, and I am glad for you. Makes me feel that what we all want most still is possible: Love,

Linda

Hi again, Joni,

Yes, it's been a week, a heavy week, and I haven't made any postings. But I'm still here. And I'm not going away. Not from this place, anyhow. I am very unsure of what my next steps should be and this has been slowing down my thoughts and actions for the last few days. After my posting sunday 6. I also told my therapist and an uncle of mine, in a somewhat muddled way,though. And I tried easing into the same subject when I met my ten years younger sister on thursday. But, being very shy about these things, I definitely left the question of where this could lead hanging in the air.
Thanks for waking me up, Joni.

Hugs and kisses,

Linda

Hi Linda,
Welcome! How are things going with your mom? I've told my SO, but have not told my mom yet.

Hugz,
Michelle Lynn

Hi !

How are things going with me and my mom ?
The last week I have been talking with her a couple of times on the phone (she only stays here in Oslo half the month, the rest of her time she spends at her house on the west coast of Norway.) We did not talk much more about my wish to be a girl/woman. But in an indirect way it was mentioned as my "coming out" have brought up some other issues related to this, such as how I were treated by my father. (Her excuse for not helping me always being that I should "stand up" for myself - being a "man".) As for "monitoring" I think you are right, Sandra. On some level I guess I have been doing this for quite some time - and not just with my mother. And, I am sorry to say, the picture I have "sampled" is not that of a very tolerant woman when it comes to gender issues. (Some things she said makes me think that she would prefer that I stayed a nun...) This makes me cautious. I had planned visiting her at the west coast for the first half of Easter, but have decided to stay where I am, not giving her the benefit of her "home ground". So, I will meet her and talk to her at the end of easter when she returns to Oslo.
I will try to get the GID diagnosis from my therapist, Sandra. It would help a lot if I got this "proof". And not just for me. Being assertive about this is not easy. I can see your point, Wendy. I'm already sorry that I wasn't able to be more convincing when I saw my therapist. But then again I might have been ? Who am I to judge my own behaviour ?

Linda

My mother was the best - never batted an eyelid, as they say - I suspect she knew how I felt. Tragedy is she is long gone and no-one to replace her.

Nigella xx

<body-selling on the streets>
Not a very pretty picture for the parents, no. I did write that my mother might have "preferred that I stayed a nun". So, I sort of made a pointer towards the opposite, I guess. Which is, in principle, about following ones desire. This word have turned up several times in my writing the last week. On the one hand: Being in touch with my true feelings. But on the other hand: My desires. Among which: total abandon. And in some way I think "body-selling on the streets" symbolize this in the minds of many people, subconsciously at least. A somewhat unrealistic view of the life of prostitutes, of course.
But I'm afraid visualizing a "son" in total abandon with a man she truly loves could be quite upsetting too...
When I wrote "the nun thing" I did so not because my mother became very upset, openly that is. And here I should say, maybe, that I did not really let her. My voice became more determined, harder maybe, at the point when I started the disclosure. Actually I was becoming angry at this point, I think, as I was very conscious of the repression she and my father put me through - him with his fear and contempt of having a "sissy" son and her with her shameful view of sex. So, she kept quite calm - could have something to do with her being a nurse for nearly forty years, too. And she said "this is worst for you", implying that this is also quite bad for her. Most revealing, I think, and disappointing too, was that when I said "I cannot escape this" she answered "Oh... ?" as if asking. This made her zoom very quickly in on the question of "relations with the other sex" - "the nun thing". And implied: What should that be in your case ? (In my view also an attempt at containing this at least within some bounds) But then, after all, the way I came out was by telling her of my wish to be kissed like a girl when I was ten. So, I had sort of raised both issues: the innocence of feeling - like a girl - and the more provoking of desire - to be kissed by a boy. (He was a cute boy, too, and already a promising gymnast. My mother has a great visual memory, so she should remember him clearly...)
I could have told her that my "preferences" really is none of her business, but instead I answered in almost the same "professional" manner as her: That feeling like a woman doesn't necessarily say much about your "preferences". A terrible word, by the way, reducing our juiciest dreams to desert sand.
I definitely prefer "living out dreams" - feelings becoming real. And that may be an important reason why people become upset.
Thanks,Sandra, for following up on that one. I felt sort of unsure and embarrased after having written that. Still am.

Linda

Nigella,
You may have been luckier than me: Some mothers would suspect that they have a special daughter. This could at least make it easier expressing oneself. My mother have had her suspicions, she said, admitting that she have been, somewhat unclearly, thinking that I might be a "transvestite". Which I'm not. Clothes or no clothes.

Linda

Thanks Mere,
This does remind me of the times I was "the new one" at school - which was quite a number of times: A little unsure at first. Being new, its always nice to be welcomed.
I agree with you on the special difficulties fathers have in coming to terms with us. I do not think me being Linda have anything to do with his way of being a father. But he sure did his best to cover me up. I've had my fair share of problems because of that. I guess if a father is really confident about his male identity it should be less threatening. (Could that be why some native american tribes had a different view here ?)

Linda

Hi Sandra,

Again a stereotype that society forces on fathers. To borrow a phrase from an old song "Teach your children well", does not mean forcing your will upon them. As a father of two wonderful girls, the best I could do was love them and equip them for reaching their dreams. Of course, their dreams changed many, many times over the years.

As for forcing your will upon your children, it never worked anyway. The phrase "Dad, you need to adjust" was heard more than once at my house. Still, I wonder, with a son, would my views be different? (The old society thing again)..

Hugz,
Michelle

Sandra
We have been here at this point of conversation before. Your views about parents only being able to offer financial support is very clinical and I repeat myself again when I say that we parents can help with reasurance ,love and to be there with unerring support when days are bad. Thats positive as far as Im concerned. I do understand that not all parents can or do react this way. But as in all walks of life we tend to deal with situations in the same manner as our parents did IE, some nuture, some dont.
Meredith, please dont go into exile again, you are an inspiration to many and your points of view are always respected. I for one would be lost without you and all the girls here.
Dorothy ( SO mum)

I agree, Sandra. Would be foolish not taking one step at a time. I think I have, in a way, given my mother quite some time to adjust already. I do have some regrets, though, that I wasn't able to tell her a year ago. Some things she have said, comments she have made over the last couple of years makes me think that she certainly has sensed something. A little more than a year ago she said that she seemed to be loosing me somehow. I do not look that much different, I think. But I guess I have been getting estranged from some of my fake manners and slowly been recovering some old ones. I actually have been taken for a woman two times the last 18 months - from the backside, that is, with my long hair in a knot - not cutting it for the last 9 years. A drunk norwegian the first time. And an african man said hi, and when I turned he told me "You look like a woman." And I am, after all, 6' 3'' and not wearing a skirt.
A month or so before Christmas I wore some new flared jeans when I was helping my mother move some things. Afterwards I felt that I had provoked her a little, but could not understand why. The jeans were womens jeans, but I certainly did not look strange in any way, I think. Still, you could say I was doing some "monitoring". Looking back now I feel quite sure that this was a small attempt at getting some recognition. Why sure ? Well, the summer when I was ten years old I wanted some flared jeans, too, white ones. The answer from my parents was that only girls use this... Over the years I have been looking at some photos from that summer and a couple of years ago I started thinking that I looked really depressed on some of them. It seems it has slowly become possible for me to relate to this.
A similar thing happened when meeting my one year younger sister coming from the US 18 months ago. She asked me, sort of surprised and bothered: "What have you done ?" It was the same then. I had just lost some weight and adjusted my clothing a little bit, underlining my slenderness instead of hiding it. (And I had acquired a deep tan) I think she actually managed holding me back somewhat with that one comment as I still was not very conscious of were I was going.
The worst is my father, though. Even if it is months between each time I see him. (My parents are divorced) But the last time, february 19., his birthday, I suddenly noticed this terrible "wolfs grin" passing very quickly over the left side of his face when I did not, as usual, make a show of "positive emotions" at something he told me. I saw this expression one time last summer too, but then I thought that it was directed at someone he was talking about (him being a racist bigot) and could not in any way relate it to my own very slow transitioning process. This last time I could perceive that it was clearly directed at me. It was only a week before my coming out to my mother. And at the same time my memories of his bullying have resurfaced stronger. This makes me feel quite sure that he sensed something and became extremely angry. So, you see, I think he is a little more than "old school". The most probable outcome is that I will keep away from him in the future. I considered writing him a letter and was warned by my therapist that I should not write anything that my father somehow could use against me. Thinking about this now makes me sense the urgency of getting the diagnosis even more. A good thing: This I certainly can use when I talk to my therapist after Easter.

Linda

One things for sure Sandra, you have a right to your opinion but you wont change mine.
Dorothy (an unerring supportive loving mother )

Please don't leave Mere.
I have no problem getting this point. I have proof enough of my fathers homophobia. (Still, I cannot say he is a typical case.) This came out very clearly last year when I went with him to visit a cousin of his. (I really wanted to see her) She had just returned from San Francisco were she had visited some american relatives of ours. And she told this cute story of an elderly male couple coming to see the norwegian visitors. They were walking hand in hand. My fathers spontaneous response: "But that's bizarre". He was very quickly silenced by his cousin - a wise old woman. If being gay is "bizarre" what then about feeling like a girl - wishing to be a woman ?
My mother once told me, too, that when she met my fathers best friend shortly after marrying he told her that he actually had suspected my father of being a homosexual since he had become very jealous when he himself had married at age 20. They only met again when my father had married - 6 years later. I got this story confirmed from the wife of my fathers friend.
The main thing here not being my fathers possible feelings for men, but the suspicions among men and the suppresion of whatever feelings they have. But, of course, if it should happen to be true, such a father would be especially eager in his "effort" at rooting out al vestiges of femininity or even interfering with their sons rather plain friendships with other boys.

Linda

In my case: I do not think that my parents can help me with much else than money. I sure could need some financial support to get through this. But that just won't happen. As for emotional support: I haven't heard from my mother in a week. I am glad though that an uncle of mine (a painter) calls me quite often. But this does not have anything to do with helping me with my "gender issue".

Linda

Sorry Linda it may seem like your comments are going amiss but I just wanted to sat "thank you " to Sandra. Im certainly trying to help my daughter in any way I can. Thanks again.
Linda, sorting out how men feel about anything is difficult because they have been taught for generations not to air any emotion or feelings, its like talking to a brick wall at times
Dorothy

Yes, my comments did go amiss, it seems... Thanks Dorothy, for seeing that.

Linda

Hi Linda-

You are very, very welcome here. This is the place for all girls like us and though your story is your own it's a story shared in many ways by all of us. I hope you like it here and will stay, there's always room in our family for another sister. And it's never too late to be who you really are, never.

Hugs, Joni from Oregon

And it's never to late to be who you realy are!!! Thank GOD!
Hi Linda Glad your here.

Hello Linda. Trannyweb also played an important part in me telling my mother, as well as all the other decisions I have made since joining. I can't help wondering where I would be now had I not found this place. Probably nowhere.
There are some lovely people here, and I hope it continues to be a source of inspiration for you as it does for me.
xx

Hi Linda-

I just wanted to add a quick note to this thread to encourage you not to disappear after only two posts. We all meant what we said, you are very welcome here, so please don't be shy. Since we're a world wide group, there's almost always someone around and someone's got to be setting out tea or coffee and snacks somewhere no matter when you pop in. Tiina makes the most wonderful pastries.<lol> Right, Tiina?

Hope to see more of you, Linda.

Hugs, Joni

Linda,

Welcome to Trannywab.

It may be a good idea to wait until you are more certain of what you want to say before you tell other family/friends. It is not a step to be lightly taken and uncertainty on your part could lead to uncertainty on theirs. I would recomment spending some time here talking to others before moving ahead. Telling your therapist was a good start, however, as they should be nonjudgmental and give you a chance to clarify your thoughts. You will find that the advice here on TW varies as m;uch as we do. Something will strike you as right for you, in time.

Linda,

I think you will find that Native American viewpoints have to do with a very specific difference between their's and Western culture. Western culture makes a set of rules/religion and then explains nature in a way that fits those rules, no matter how they have to twist it to do so. Native Americans were in tune with nature. Saw it as it was. Had to to understand, had to understand to survive. They saw TGs were different. Saw exactly how they were different. They often saw them as an asset; those who thought differently and brought ideas that could deal with situations of importance. They chose to allow these valued members of society to live as they chose to live, physical sex not withstanding. "Women" hunted and went to war. "Men" became wives. TGs were a spiritual asset as well. In the Western cultures we are willing to cut off our nose to spite our face. We will reject valuable members of society because they will not play by the "false" rules of Christianity, for example. I believe it is not a case of NA fathers being more secure in their masculinity but of not having that masculinity threatened by TG children. It is caused by nature, not by man, and therefore not a reflection on anyone, neither father nor child.

Sandra,

I'm sorry, but I have to say this. I disagree extremely with your position on parental emotional support. You are the exception and not the rule. What you need is not what most people need. Most people need the emotional support of their family to feel better. This is not to say they cannot and will not go foward without it. Many here have made it clear that they will do just that. I have yet to hear ONE SINGLE GIRL say she would prefer NOT to have parental emotional support....not even you. For most people, such support would be gratefully accepted and appreciated and of value. You are transferring your own experience onto everyone else and in most cases that is an inaccurate assessment of others. If we ran a poll I believe the overwhelming majority of girls would agree that parental emotional support is both desirable and valuable because they solve a very special problem...one which, according to you, you do not have. Give me a mother like Dorothy anyday. I am strong enough to go foward without that support...but I don't want to have to. This is something you either understand or don't. I suspect you cannot learn to understand it because it is part and parcel of ones nature as a person. My roommate never will. He will die in ignorance of things having to do with the emotions of others. He only sees his own perception of the world. Sort of an emotional fundamentalist. I am wise enough not to attempt to teach the horse how to sing, but some of us do sing, Sandra. You need not, but allow that some of us do and must.

<"how many of us have, at 30-40 yo, which is our average age, such a type of a "friend mom" with a such good and intimate relationship?">

i do, and so much more besides. if you can't understand then i'm not going to try and explain it, but it means a huge amount, really it does. and if loving, amongst other things, is no great deal to you sandra then i can only feel sorry for you.
xx

ok sandra that's fair enough. but i think the reason people react to your comments on the subject is the very fact that you see the loving mum as a stereotype, and dismiss their love as "unuseful". i am also a very independant person, but i welcome my mum's love and support, and the strength it brings me is virtually impossible to put into words. she is certainly no stereotype and never intrudes in any way.
we are all different, have diffierent relationships with our family, so it's wrong to generalise; it is misplaced and verging on offensive in some cases. your last post was fine, no-one should have a problem with that, but one must try to not look at other people's situations purely from their own perspective.
love makes the world go round.
xx