just a great info page I came across, will post it because it is hard to access
the addy is www.kissa.ca/respect.html
it reads as follows
How to Respect a Transsexual Person
This page is about transsexual people, i.e. people born with a brain that is normal for one gender, and chromosomes and an external body that seemed normal for the opposite sex. The term gender, when used below, always means the gender the person identifies as.

Basic Stuff
Accept me as a full-fledged member of the gender I identify as.
Always use the language that corresponds to my gender identity, e.g. he, she, even if my body does not seem to match yet and even when talking about my past.
If you are still adjusting, it's normal to make mistakes. Don't draw attention to it by saying "sorry". Just correct yourself right after and carry on.
If I identify as male, never use female-marked words like girl, waitress, breasts, vagina, etc. to describe anything about me, and vice versa. Always use language that corresponds to my gender. For example, if I am a female-to-male transsexual person, I am always a guy and never a girl. Don't call me "female-bodied", unless I use that term myself.
A transsexual girl is male-to-female. A transsexual guy is female-to-male. Never the other way around.
Gender identity has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Whether I am attracted to men, women, both or neither is a totally separate thing from whether I am male or female. For example, if I am a trans girl who likes girls, treat me no differently than any other lesbian woman.
Don't expect me to conform to the stereotypes of my gender. I'll wear whatever clothes I like and have whatever interests I have. Being masculine or feminine (i.e. having mannerisms or interests that are seen by society as stereotypical of one gender) has nothing to do with being male or female (i.e. identifying as a certain gender). Butch trans women and feminine trans guys exist, just like they do among non-transsexual people.
For almost all trans people, being transsexual is not a choice or a decision. It is a simple reality. The only "decision" is whether to accept my situation and fix it to live a healthier life, or deny it and suffer.
Never mention my old name or ever ask what it was. Instead of saying "back when you were Fred", say "before you came out as female".
Don't use my name in the 3rd person as if I was a person separate from myself, e.g. "are you dressing as Lisa now?"
I am a person, a guy or a girl, a man or a woman, foremost. If you must use the word transsexual (or trans), it's better to use it as an adjective to describe a person, not as a noun onto itself, e.g. trans people, trans folks, trans guy.
When it comes down to it, the matter is very simple: I am a guy or a girl. That's all!
Transition
Use the word "transition" to describe what I am going through or went though.
The changes I make to my body are not purely cosmetic, but rather reconstructive. Having a body I am comfortable with is vital to my health and in my social and physical interactions with other people.
Don't openly talk about my genitals any more than you would for a non-trans person, unless I bring up the topic myself.
Don't immediately assume that genital sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) is my priority. Every transsexual person is unique and chooses different steps during their transition, based on many factors. Not everyone wants SRS.
Social Situations
Being transsexual is a very personal matter. Treat it with respect.
I'm not here to shock anyone or get attention. I am not selfish. I'm just a person like anyone else, and I have a right to be healthy and live in my honest gender.
If I blend well (i.e. I pass) or if I am online, then don't tell anyone I am transsexual unless they are too. Just talk about me like any other normal guy or girl, according to my gender identity.
If I am visibly gender variant (i.e. I don't pass) and am out as transsexual, it's OK to educate your friends, e.g. about pronouns, before meeting me in person.
Don't introduce me as your "transsexual" friend. Don't ask me to explain my life story or my gender situation to people I just met.
Ask permission before taking a photo of me or before displaying old, pre-transition pictures of me.
Don't call me whenever a documentary about transsexuals is on TV just because I am transsexual. I already know what being transsexual is about! But do it if I am genuinely interested in the subject.
The Nature of Gender
Gender comes from the way our brain, mind and/or soul is configured, not from the body. Chromosomes, hormones, upbringing, etc. do not determine or change a person's gender.
The only person who can know about their gender is themself. No external "clues" can prove or disprove somebody's true inner gender. Some people knew it their entire lives. Some manage to deny it for a long time. Some always knew there was something different. Some did a lot of soul searching to figure out they were male or female and that this was a legitimate medical situation.
Don't call a non-transsexual woman a "real girl" or "completely female".
Terminology
This page only deals with transsexual people specifically.
Do not confuse transsexuality with cross-dressing. Cross-dressers are men who like to wear women's clothing for sexual or fetishized reasons. These men do not identify as female and are often straight.
Do not confuse transsexual people with drag queens or kings. Drag performers will wear elaborate and often stereotypical clothes of the opposite gender on stage for show or to do impersonations. This is most often done by gays and lesbians.
The term "transgendered" is an umbrella term that includes any and all gender variant people: transsexual people, cross-dressers, drag kings and queens, intersex, genderqueer and bigendered people, and many other types. Be careful when using it. For example, many transsexual people don't like to be associated with cross-dressers.
The short form "trans" can mean either transsexual or transgendered. On this page, we use it to mean transsexual.
The term "tranny" is slang for transsexual, either as an adjective or noun. Many feel that it is offensive, on par with words like fag, dyke and nigger. As such, many feel that only trans people themselves can reclaim it and use it. In some cities, however, it only means cross-dresser and not transsexual. Use it with much caution, if at all.
The term "she-male" is vulgar and never appropriate. It is used by the pornography industry to objectify and fetishize pre-operative transsexual women.
Don't call it cross-dressing if I am wearing clothes that match my gender. Cross-dressing is if I wear clothes of the opposite gender, e.g. a female-to-male transsexual man wearing women's clothing.
If I am a transsexual guy getting top surgery, then I am not "getting my breasts removed", I am getting a chest reconstruction.
If I Just Came Out
If I have just come out as my new gender, you should use my new name and pronouns with me and with all (and only those) who know about me, even (and especially!) with people who are still struggling to adjust to my correct gender. Be casual about it. Don't make a big deal about it.
If I haven't told everyone yet that I am trans, then don't tell anyone.

Thanks Rikki,

And thanks to whoever wrote it.
So true. All of it.

Hugs,
Linda

Good info, for the most part. I tend to use "trans" and "tranny" as umbrella terms, and I use "transgender" to mean something more specific. Don't even bring up "genderqueer." LOL

Oh, well...