August 25, 2005 4:25 PM BST
Hi everybody!, first of all i am really glad that i found Trannyweb a few days ago (can't live without it anymore i think
) it really gives me a better feeling to see people like me.
Here is a little story about myself, i have written it today as an email to someone and decided to put it also in the forum
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I am a thin tall lightweight person and have darkbrown eyes and hair (painted it blond now)
and some towards female characters about my body (small fingers, arms, waist, rounder butt, towards female shaped nose, eyebrows) after many years i still look more like a girl-boy instead of a man i think. (probably it has something to do with somewhat low testerone or so.. but never took any meds) i like girlthings but i always try to act like a boy becouse i am afraid that people do not understand or talk bad about me or think that i am gay becouse i like girlthings.
Since my 5th age i knew and wished i had to be born as a girl, (at my 12th age i took cloths from my mam and my sister and i looked how it fitted me in the mirror), they never noticed becouse i was afraid to be caught so i did that only a few times when i lived at home (really scared about my father)
i was often jalous about my sister becouse she got beautiful clothes, dolls and other things.
It was weird for me to see that she acted more like a boy compared to myself
But becouse i was born as a male i always tried to do my best to hide my femine side, i was very afraid that people noticed something about me, so i watched other boys how they talked, acted and walked (i wanted to grow my hair long a few times but was to shy and cutted it, i thought it could bring me in trouble, people could suspect something about what i really am i thought, i also had some problems with menclothes i looked more or less like a woman or a gay so i always avoid that to buy and looked further.
while i try to do my best to hide my female side sometimes people notice things about me
like my handwriting for example (they say you write like a girl) or they say you eat like a girl or you talk (a lot) like a girl. someone also said his girlfriend acts the same as i do
These words were very difficult for me becouse i am a shy person and did not know what to say on that so i mostly turned red. (but inside it flattered me for feeling like a real girl)
My family do not know about the real me (i guess) and i am afraid to lose them or for not accepting me when i tell them. (that is my biggest problem)
I am really afraid of spiders and other creepy things but i had to hide that too for people
so all these things made a very difficult youth for me and was very unsure about myself.
When i became older all looked more easy for me (i thought) when i had a girlfriend
I really was attacted to woman a lot so i thought i was changed and was became a normal man
becouse i loved a woman. (i was always more attracted to woman) but the thing was that during the sex i often fantasized and wished she touched and made love with me as if i were a girl from the outside, i never told her that (unfortunatly) We broke up becouse she felt in love with another person.
Nowadays i still am afraid to walk in womanclothes in public if i do not look enough like a woman, still unsure to decide to go on hormones but i ordered them last week to make it more easy (i think i cant resist to use it when i got them)
the only thing that scares me is that people will notice that i have breastgrowth or that the changes causes that i will look not well. (people tell me that i look handsome now)
My sister had very big breasts (her weight is 56kg) but needed an operation to decrease them becouse having medical problems with it.
The size of breasts is family genetic so i guess people will notice the changes very soon.
I am not scared to put on womansclothes in public if i fully look like a woman becouse thats what i want all my life.
Sometimes i dream at night that i am a genetic girl and very angry if i wake up realizing it was only a dream and later it changes to happyness thinking back it was the best dream of my life.
I really like sportive/trendy/sexy wear like shirts, pants, shoes, earrings, underwear, bra, makeup, flirting (like young woman does..difficult for me to explain in english)
I hope to meet many new friends
xxxx Jasmine
