Hi all,

I've been a closet TV for around 20 years (I'm 35). My wife of 15 years found an item on Saturday when I wasn't home. She left it on my desk so I'd know she found it. We haven't talked about it at all. General conversation is minimal. I'm thinking I should try to bluff my way out of it. Please, any advice is really welcome.

Chrissie

Hi Chrissie,

I would not try to make up a story, but be honest. What you are "being honest about" depends on what you really feel about inside. If you don't know, simply tell her that.
If you do know, ask yourself how much are you willing to share right now.

Either way, a level of trust will need to be worked on. That will be much harder to do, if you add additional reasons for her to distrust you.

Hugz,
Michelle Lynn

Chrissie
You have perhaps realised that we would all love to be able to help you in some way or other. Lots of us have been in similar positions. Here is my experience and I'll keep it to a minimum.
As far as I can recall I started dressing in about 1963/4 and have done so ever since. I got married back in 1972 and kept it all in the closet. Last September I finally decided to tell my wife about my crossdressing. So one evening I asked her to hear something important that i had to tell her. Her reply was that she had suspected something since 1977. Although we have since parted she agreed to me being able to crossdress as long as she didn't meet my femme side.
My biggest regret was not being honest with her all those years ago.
Chrissie, you need to tell her or you will be living a lie for years to come. If she has found something now, has she found something previously? Does she think that there is another woman apart from Chrissie in your life?

June

Thank you all for the advice and support. Being honest is the toughest solution to this. I know I'm in store for a lot of heartbreak and tension that is going to last for months ... or longer. Right now it seems to be a forgotten issue. I know its not really forgotten though, but I'm inclined to not even bring it up. I know that you'll all say that I have to get it out in the open but I guess I'm just scared to death about her response.

I have never been married myself, but have had numerous friends for whom the issue of crossdressing has caused tension and eventually the breakup of relationships. In most of these cases, I have observed that it's not the crossdressing that has caused the problem, but the lying.

When the spouse discovers that her partner has been concealing such a major personality trait as crossdressing since the beginning of their relationship, it can cause them to doubt whether the crossdressing partner has been truthful about anything. If one is likely to lie about one thing, they are certainly likely to lie about just about anything else.

It's not easy to come clean. Heaven knows, I am in the process of coming out gradually to friends and family myself, and I know how difficult it is. When the time comes to share the truth with my family, I hope to enlist the help of a family therapist with experience in gender issues. I suggest you do the same. A qualified therapist can help to ease the burden of revealing your gender difference to your loved ones, and help them understand more about it.

Additionally, I agree with Wendy (as I usually do) that there may be no better source of peer support than Trannyweb. As the description reads on our welcome page, this is a place of support not only for transgendered people, but for their friends and loved ones. Your fellow TW members can help your spouse to learn more about the transgender phenomenon, possibly helping to dispel any misconceptions she may have.

One member in particular whom you may wish to consult with in this matter is Maryanne Talmadge. Maryanne is blessed with the most wonderful of spouses, Mags Talmadge, who not only accepts and loves Maryanne as much as she does the man she originally married, but is much loved by the worldwide transgender community. I know them both very well, and I am sure that they would be more than happy to help you in any way they can.

Maryanne is not hard to find. Why, you can't swing a dead cat around Trannyweb without coming across her somewhere. Of course, why on earth anyone would want to swing a dead cat around is beyond me, so you might just want to look her up using a member search.

Welcome to Trannyweb. We live to serve.

Of course, as always, this is just my opinion. I could be wrong.

Hello Chrissie. I can understand your dilemma. Maryanne told me 11 years after we were married. She had been dressing since 11 years old, and never told anyone. He was 30 when he told me. I must admit I was very surprised, but we talked about it most of the night. There were lots of tears, not from me, I might add! We agreed Maryanne would never dress in front of the children, two mums would be confusing. I decided that Maryanne was still the same person inside that I married, just much more condiderate and caring en femme. That was 22 years ago. Last year, through a chatroom, Maryanne wanted to go out, but only if I went too. I think she was more scared than I was! Within an hour I found I had met some of the nicest people I have EVER met. I am quite happy to go to Manchester with the "girls" (because thats how they see themselves) and thats how I treat them. I may add that I would NOT go out with 17 blokes because that would make me feel uncomfortable. Somehow, when they are dressed it just seems like a hen party, thet are a great bunch of people. If your relationship with your wife is as strong as mine is with M/A then things should be fine, but only you know her well enough so only you can make the decision to talk about it. I am glad Maryanne told me, rather than being secretive, but thats just me.

Love
Mags

Ps Maryanne was going to answer this, but shes a bit dazed because someone threw a dead cat at her! (I will sort u out in October, Ms Webb!)

it would far worse to sweep things under the carpet and do nothing at all. But think of the inner turmoil your wife is having. You have bridges to cross and no one can do that for you .THis was going to happen in the end anyway, I expect at some stage . Hiding it isn't going to help having admitted it .She will look for it and maybe she has already found it . In return for it you have to be so much better to her, but i expect you are anyway like the rest of us, sensitive, understanding and appreciative of our ladies. It's going to be hard for you ,but it is not the end of the world or life . If if splits you up then that's how it is, but it could also be a strengthening. One thing is that deceipt will be a killer. And by the way - Coming out to her is not an excuse to be thrilled and relieved and then be OTT with it .You may be invited to do so with her help ,and if so accept the help . She's with you for a reason and so don't spoil those reasons . Bet you she knows more than she lets on and so it's up to you now.xx

Chrissi Just tell her about it either she will understand or she won't. It's better than not telling her. She probly thinks it belongs to another woman your running around with. i son't thin you want her to thin that so just be honist with her and your self and I think you'll feel better about it oince it' all out in the open.

Dear Chrissie - feel sorry for you but maybe you should take the opportunity to tell her about Chrissie. I am bout to buy a house and get married with a girl - she does not know anything about Monique but I wan to tell her about Monique before we make these serious steps. If she is too negative about my interest I better go for another partner. I do not wanna hide this "secret" anymore - however it will be difficult to tell her - have no clue how I will do that.....

Kind regards,
Monique

That sounds like a plan to me

Something similar happened to me Chrissie. The best thing is to talk. It is not easy but at the moment she is wondering all sorts of things and the imagination is often making things worse. If love is there then it will find a way. Ignoring it is possibly the worst thing you could do. Marriage is based on mutual trust at the moment you have lost that with your wife if you do not discuss the matter. Of course your feelings are important. Do you want the relationship to end . Read MY story on my website (address below) to find out what happened to me - There is light at the end of the tunnel and it could be it is the end of the tunnel and not a truck heading for you.

http://www.tinas-place.co.uk

Hi Chrissie-

I'm sorry your first post to the group had to be under such difficult and awkward circumstances. The girls are right, honesty is absolutely the best policy. Women, wives especially, having a finely honed BS meter. If, as Sandra implied, you don't mind being in the closet, then tell her that it's yours and not some other woman's (what was it btw, some item of lingerie, I assume?) and that's it's only something you were "trying for fun" and only do once in awhile, and you didn't like it and will never do it again, then back in the closet, lesson learned and hopefully more careful in the future.

Personally I'm a big fan of honesty tempered with common sense. If you ever want to be out, now is the time to start the dialogue. You're the best judge of your domestic situation and where you hope to be with your TG issues in the future. At least she didn't have a major confrontation with you, so perhaps she already has an idea of what's up and may be open to discussion of it. The worst thing you can do is try to lie your way out of it and destroy her trust in you. If you love each other you should be able to work it out.

Good luck, Chrissie, I wish you the best. Perhaps someone else will come up with some better ideas, but I wouldn't wait too long to deal with it, the longer your wife stews about it, the more difficult it will be.

Hugs...Joni

Hi Jenny-

I see it's your first post also, welcome to the group. And may I say you have offered some sound advice.

Hugs...Joni

Hi Chrissie-

<big hug> I totally understand your reluctance and fear of what the consequences might be if you decide to tell your wife the truth about the situation. But you can bet anything you'd like that she has not forgotten it, not at all. Women may let things like this lie but it will be brought up sometime when you least expect it...count on it. This from a girl who will be celebrating her 20th in just a couple of months. And I'm sure, having been married some 15 years yourself, you know just what I'm talking about.

You haven't said what it was that she found, and that's alright, my guess is probably some article of woman's underclothing or something like that. Under those circumstances her first assumption will be that you are having an affair. And in her mind, it may be possible that your being a crossdresser is worse than having an affair. Married men have affairs all the time, after all, and some women may be better able to deal with that than with TG issues. It might be better to lie and say you're having an affair and plead for forgiveness.

Chrissie, only you can be the best judge of what to do in your relationship. If just letting it lie works best, then so be it. I only want to wish you the best of luck, no matter what. All of us have been in similar situations and if we haven't been we may very well be in the future, so we can all relate to what you're going through.

Good luck and please stick around here on TW, we do care.

Hugs...Joni

Chrissie,

You have gotten a lot of good advice here, and not necessarily the same advice. That's because your own situation requires it's own response. I also support the honesty approach, but it has it's down side. I would recommend that you deal with this, the wife has NOT forgotten and, yes, she is likely to think you are cheating on her. Before you talk to her, however, I highly recommend that you make sure you understand what is going on with you. Visit a number of TG sites and read what you can. Learn terminology and be able to explain confidently what being transgendered is all about...in your particular case. Some people do better with printed materials. There is something about fact sheets that lends a crediblity to a misunderstood topic. Get rid of your misconceptions first. Then you will be able to deal with your wife's misconceptions. The fact that most crossdressers are heterosexual males, for example and are not transexuals. If you were transexual, you would most likely already be sure of it. There are a number of possibilitlies and you should understand them and find yourself before you try to explain it to your wife. Education - Understanding - Explaination. Good luck. We are here if you need us. We are here if your wife needs us.

Hi Chrissie-

Wendy has made a good point about TW being available to your wife also, now or in the future. TW isn't just about us t-girls, it's for SO"s also. And if your wife would like to talk to another SO, you can email me and I will send you wife's email and they can get in touch. Just a slight note of caution, my wife will not sugar coat any of the issues involved in having a husband who is transgendered. We have had our issues with it, it hasn't all been sweetness and light, but by and large she is okay with it and we manage to work out any problems because we both love, respect and trust each other.

And aside from her own personal experiences my wife can point your spouse to other resources for SO's such as Tri-Ess and other groups and sites on the web.

Good luck, Chrissie.

Hugs...Joni

This will probably go against most of the advice you've received. It depends on what your wife is really like and only you will know. Think twice before you tell all. Some wives will accept it: others won't. If your wife is one of those who's implacably opposed to the tranny way, it might be better not to tell her but instead continue to dress in secret, and take care not to be caught again.