Im 22 years old and i live in the UK. All my life ive felt like i should have been born a girl because i dont act like a man in any way shape or form.
I walk like a woman does, i get moody over little things like a woman does, i over pack like a woman does and tons more things.

Recently i came out about the way i am to my friends my family and truth is that most of my friends turned there backs on me and my family just dont want to admit the way i am. Ive been able to be myself at my friends house and i go out as a girl but i feel like i get mixed emotions.
Sometimes people look at me and im not sure if they can TELL or not but other times im not sure if people are looking at me because they find me convincing or not either.

I really want to take estrogin (however you spell it) tablets but im so nervious and scared and i just dont know how im surpossed to say it.
I saw a program over here in the UK were this person was like how i am and when they told there doctor they had to see a Phyciatric Pherapist to make sure they were in the right frame of mind. Thing is if you dont see this person as a girl for the tablets then they apparently turn you away from the start!? also it took this person 3 years before he even got the tablets and he didnt even look convincing.

That program was over 5 years ago tho so i dont know how things are done over here now. Im not sure how to tell my doctors or even what happens after i do.
I tried to get the courage today to call my doctor to ask him about this but i chickened out and now i feel sick to my stomach and like im going to start crying pretty soon.

If anyone could give me some advice as to how im surpossed to talk about this to my doctor or what im surpossed to say and what happens afterwards then i would be very greatful.

its just i cant take feeling like this anymore because when im all done up as a Girl i feel happy and i smile and i can look in a mirror and feel happy with what i see because im convincing. Yet when i look in a mirror when im not all done up as a girl i feel sick and discusted by what i see and i dont smile because i feel like killing myself because i feel so wrong.

i would apprechiate any help from people who have gone threw all this

its just all confusing for me and scarey because it feels like i can finally be who i really am if i just take these last few steps.........only im really scared to take them because of things that confuse and frighten me.

One thing thats important to me is that i want to KEEP my penis and i want it to still work right even if i take these tablets and things. I dont EVER want kids so that doesnt bother me but i at least still want to be able to use my penis.

Another thing that im scared about is telling my doctor i want these tablets because they have known me ever since i was born......it kinda feels like having to tell my parents all over again and i dont really wana go threw that heart-acke again. Im not even sure how the hell you go on to talk about something that important to your doctor...i guess thats why i chickened out today on calling for an appointment. Even tho i spent the rest of the day feeling sick and disapointed with myself for not doing it.

Then theres how other people will view me because when i go out as a girl i ALWAYS go with my best friend who holds my hand and pretends to be my boyfriend so im not so scared but its the way people look at me which frightens me. I have a habbit of stareing at things/people because im into fine detail yet when im out as a girl and someone looks at me and i make instant eye contact then THATS the second i fill my pants with fear.
I dont know if there looking at me thinking (1) Is that a bloke? (2) shes nice, hey shes giving me the eye (3) Thats a strange looking girl (4) did she just look at me funny?
and i get all those 4 feelings and thourghts in less than 1 second! if it wasnt for my friend i would never have gone out. i know i couldnt find the courage to go out on my own because im just to scared.

Another thing thats got me worried is my sexual prefrance because the thing is im NOT gay. i dont fancy men in the slightest because considering im going threw all this effort to be a girl then the last thing i want touching me is some hairy oaf who is more concerned about scratching his balls and watching football than giving me some attention.
Yet my best friends male and when he pretends to be my boyfriend i feel like i could be happy with him but then again my friends kinda wierd to because hes a virgin (22) and claims hes straight yet EVERYONE of his friends is gay and he likes gay films and music like Abba and he doesnt act straight at all.
So even tho im not gay im saying i could be happy with my friend if he was my boyfriend. i know i cant be with a woman because not many women have relationships with shemales do they, besides im 22years old and have had 14 relationships with women now and everyone of them has lied and used me. Finding a partner will be difficult.

Im scared of this Pherapist ill have to see because ill wonder if hes trying to catch me out or screw me over because of something i might or might not say. I live in a area of the UK which USED to be a nice area but now its gone downhill and is full of morons and small minded fools. Me going out alone around here as a girl would be like asking for a death wish.

I apprechiate the help girls because im just so confused and unhappy. i got my face waxed about 6days ago and already i can see my shadow coming back and that seriously got me unhappy and ive cried about it twice today. i know if i took these tablets that i wouldnt have to have my face waxed again

so your saying that theres no way the doctor will give me female hormoan tablets because of the fact i want to keep my penis and have it still work?
Thats alittle wrong isnt it? i just want to keep my penis but look female thats all. Ive seen male 2 female sex operations and its more scarey than any horror film ever put together and i dont want that. I just want to keep my penis but look and live my life as a woman

i cant belive this is so hard........i just want to be happy and be the real me yet it feels like ive so many obsticals thrown in my way. no wonder im so scared and frightened.........ive a bad feeling that now i know why im so unhappy in my life that if i cant get to the way im ment to be that im just going to end up doing something stupid