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Tonight i came clean

  • Vicky Robinson
    • 5 posts
    October 24, 2005 11:59 PM BST
    whilst writing this i feel a sense of change. Tonight i told my wife that im fem and think as a fem. i wanted to leave this untill after christmas but the desire to out myself and come clean was immense. you see i just cannot live a lie. i feel morally wrong in keeping such a secret secret from the one person i should not. this secret was destroying me as a person and turning me into something i didnt want to be.This i knew could result in my wife leaving. well so far things have gone well and she hasnt left but time will tell i guess. i love her to bits but i have to also think of her too. you see if it was a major no no then by being honest with her she has a choice. i cant be selfish i have to do the the right thing as she knows now i cant changed who i am. i dont want to get to the point when we are 60 and then she finds out...that to me would be unfair as she would feel cheated that she never knew me at all and everything else was a sham. I am glad i have done it , not glad to cause the pain. well i will try to keep you all updated but as you may know these things take a few weeks to sink in.

    emotionally tired and drained so apologies for bad grammar and spelling.
  • Fiona Lochaber
    • 430 posts
    October 25, 2005 4:53 AM BST
    I want to wish you luck, What you did was brave.

    As a ts, I had no choice in my decisions. I HAD to come out as I was changing everything in my life. My transition is a huge change to others, but not always. There have alot of people who just said "that makes sence" You on the other hand can live secretly, crossdressing and maybe no one will ever know, but yourself.

    You have done a moral thing, a very hard thing and a very brave thing. Not alot of people understand crossdressing. I have to admit I dont understand crossdressing. To me ts makes sence as its a need to fix a mistake, but a crossdresser is a different kettle of fish. I wont know how that feels, but I wish you the very best luck for your moral courage and hope that the womyn in your life can see that you are basically the same as before with some new info to.
  • Vicky Robinson
    • 5 posts
    October 25, 2005 10:26 AM BST
    Thank you all for your support. One of the reasons i decided to come out and reveal myself was because the label of crossdresser doesnt apply to me. I have strong fem feelings and need to explore them. this means to me to start living as a woman not a man. this i know is a long road but i have asked myself on occasions lately what i am etc and the answers come back girl. My wife after explaining said she knew there was something deifferant about me and that i am more female than male. even to the point to how i lay down etc. now the oh my god what will people think thoughts have gone. i do care but in no way to the point of feeling ashamed or guilty. i have to do whats for me and right. i feel to be honest for the first time in my life like i now know who i am and what i need to do to complete me.

    so after all that if a label is required i consider myself TS and i am very happy with that. as someone here once said, you just know, its difficult to explain but once you accept it you change without realising.

    love Denise
  • Ann Teve
    • 141 posts
    October 26, 2005 6:28 PM BST
    Denise,
    All of the comments you made and all of the replies apply to my experience as well. With honesty about ourselves comes the first real breath of freedom and relief. Hiding became unbearable for me. A part of my experience was greater and greater risk taking -- which compared to some on this site was not risk at all -- not so unconsciously looking to be 'outed'.
    There are so many layers and implications for our wives in coming out. How they see themselves, how they think others will perceive them, the feeling of 'competing' as a woman with you, feelings of inadequacy, resentment and anger. Most of all is the loss of the 'future' that has been created in their mind with you in a fixed place. All that changes.
    My wife was initially horrified, not enough to leave but enough to move to another room. I had professed to being a CD. There were ultimatums given that I couldn't keep. Our relationship has been stained with the 'lie' that I brought into our marriage. That will never go away for my wife.
    Six years later, I finally fully admitted to being transexual. I really didn't even know that I was. Just like you. Just like Lucy, I found on coming out that it wasn't a surprise to anyone.
    One year later, I live in the basement. We are still together. Our economic circumstance doesn't allow us to part at the moment. I don't know what my wife wants at this point. She won't say. I've slipped in my determination to go forward, fearing the 'break'. It will come though.
    It takes time for all of the implications to sink in. As well, as you being to feel better, I wonder if our wifes just don't feel worse.
    I wish there was a way that we could bring our wifes together. It hurts most of all to see her struggle with this in isolation.
    Good luck you you.
  • Skirt Lover
    • 90 posts
    February 21, 2006 3:47 PM GMT
    Denise, my advise to you is you do what you wanna do. And f*&* anyone else who tells you that crossing genders, or a skirt is wrong. Who says it's wrong, or weird? Who makes these laws, it's stupid. So you hold your head held high luv, but never forget you always have our full support here.
  • Meredith Newton
    • Moderator
    • 2463 posts
    October 25, 2005 1:27 AM BST
    Denise,
    As one in your exact situation, I think you made the right move. And, as one who teaches college, I will not grade you down on spelling or grammar. This time.

    I came out to my wife almost two years ago. Like you, I couldn't keep it in anymore. It was in fact being a Trannyweb member that gave me the courage. Also like you, I couldn't have her finding out much later and have her wonder if all our years together were a sham.

    As you might well know, we're not living together at the moment. My being TG is not what really got me put out of the house. However, she is hardly pleased with it, although on occasions we did joke about it. She has accepted the fact that it will always be part of me no matter what, although she never wants to see it. She also hated my being part of the Trannyweb community. Well, hostile towards TW is more like it, even if some of the girls here helped us out in a few ways.

    None of us want to cause anyone pain by revealing who we are. Unfortunately, society put us in that predicament - you know, the old "boys are boys and girls are girls" sort of nonsense. You were anything but selfish in revealing this to her.

    Right now I'm hanging on to hope me and my wife will start talking again soon. Our separation right now is not meant to be permanent. I do know that when we do start talking again in earnest this will come up. I guess I'll have to face that situation when it comes.

    I have come out to some other people. The only ones truly supportive have been my mother and younger sister. I can understand my wife not being thrilled with it. She even wondered once if I used her bra and panties. She got "mad" when she discovered some of my own because mine were nicer than hers!

    I wish you luck. Unlike you, I can't be at home now to see or talk to my wife. I miss her so much. I miss my daughter. I know that if I ever transition they would cut me out of their lives forever (well, maybe not my daughter since she's just turning 8 in two weeks). I don't know if I can handle that. I could get over the loss of my marriage eventually, but never the loss of my kid.

    Take care. And let us know how we can help you with any pain you feel.

    Mere
  • Lucy Diamond
    • 1652 posts
    October 25, 2005 12:25 AM BST
    Well done Denise, I know how hard it is to tell anyone close to you, though I’ve not had a wife to deal with. I’m sure you’ve done the right thing, and by the sounds of it, so far so good. I hope your wife will remain level-headed, just keep talking and reassure her that this doesn’t affect your love for her. I’m sure all will be well, good luck whatever happens.
    xx
  • Lucy Diamond
    • 1652 posts
    October 25, 2005 1:45 PM BST
    Glad you're feeling positive Denise, I expect like me, you feel a weight has been lifted. I also received comments like Fiona did: "that makes sense", "it's all falling into place", and most of all, in fact almost everybody said, "Well I'm shocked, but not surprised".
    And I always thought I hid it so well.
    My life has improved tremendously since I came out to my family and friends and started socialising in the role that is appropriate for me.
    xx
  • Meredith Newton
    • Moderator
    • 2463 posts
    October 25, 2005 1:57 PM BST
    Denise, we're all in the same boat here. We all have to deal with the notion of "what will people think," yet we press forward. Where I'm living now is hardly friendly at all to "our kind." If it wasn't for TW I wouldn't have any TG friends at all.

    We should not feel ashamed or guilty. I don't. While I still must be careful with being out - something I hope to change very soon - I actually find pride in being TG. When I finally comepletely forward as being TS there will be a huge fallout. I just hope everyone survives.

    Good luck to all of us