Hi girls- hope you don't mind me sounding off here,it's just something that's nagging away at me.I apologise if it sounds as if I'm feeling sorry for myself or being selfish or if I'm being bitchy.But it's just how I feel.
Last October (2004)in the chatroom I met a really lovely TS girl,I'll not mention her name.We began a correspondance by email oten twice a day sometimes three,and we even met up in a private chat room-not on TW,once a week too.We would talk and write about everything, how we felt,what we were up to,what we had done,clothes,cometics,fashion,travel,
music,politics absolutely everything and anything.
She was a great personal help and something like a mentor to me at the time of my orchiectomy and when I came out at work.For which I will be eternally grateful to her for.For over 8 months our relationship (albeit over a computer) became quite intense and a joy for both of us.Or so I thought.
In June she told me she had to work in another country for 3 weeks and would not be able to contact me.Four months later we accidently met up in the TW chatroom.During those 4 months I had not heard a single word from her,then at the beginning of Oct. we accidently bumped into each other in the TW chatroom,whereby she partly explained her extended absence.We chatted one more time,and she wrote me one email but her manner and content of her mail was markedly changed,she was so detatched and quite cold towards me.I have not heard from her since.I don't know what I have done or even if it is me that has brought this change in her towards me.Since she has been back she has been in the TW chatroom almost every day but at a time when I'm unable to get into the chatroom,because I'm at work and their firewalls prevent me from doing so.Last week I wrote her a mail to say goodbye to her and wishing her all the best,but I haven't received a reply.
I'm basically writing this because it saddens me greatly that people can play with your emotions like that.Perhaps I was a little naive to enter into a relationship like that over the computer,but even so.I have or hold no animosity towards her,in fact I still feel for her a lot.It just saddens and angers me a little that I don't know why she feels like she does towards me.Anyway life goes on,I've said what I wanted to say,no point dwelling.Lots of love Alli,xxxxxxx

You don't sound selfish at all to me. I think I know that nagging feeling - the silence when people we put some trust in just passes us by... left behind confused and hurt, wondering whatever happened.
Reading about this made me feel less alone.

Linda
xx

Well, I cannot say I have put much of an effort into any online relationship. But I have been wondering about my general experience here at TW. There are a couple of things I wish I had understood a little earlier. Still, I picked up some warning signals. From april I remember especially that there where a small debate on the question of "insiders" and "outsiders". And with me feeling, and in so many ways being, an outsider for nearly thirty years... a bell rung when one of the UK girls put it quite bluntly: But we know each other in person...
Well, I stopped making any threads of my own then. And more or less accepted that I could not be anything but an outsider at this place.

Linda

There's always the more and the less, isn't there ? And then, after all, it depends where we are - among the less or the more ? I have no doubt where I belong. If it weren't for one singular person here I would have left months ago. And isn't that what happens with too many ?

Linda

Hi girls-thankyou for your thoughts and kind words.Another reason for posting this was just pointing out to other girls of what can happen when you enter into a close correspondence with someone.Just be a little careful.My relationship that I was talking about was purely platonic by the way,although it was intense as i said.In case some of you were thinking otherwise.Lots of love Allissande,xx

HI Allie,

I can relate to your situation as well. On-line relationships can be really tough, especially if you bond at a common level (eg. shared experiences) and then have that relationship suddenly go fallow. Couple that with the fact that quite often our on-line sisters seem to be the only ones who can truly understand what is going on inside us, and it hurts when that relationship seems to stall.

I used the word seem and seems in the above statement, because we sometimes forget how complex a life style we (and our TW sisters) lead.

Our feelings can be wonderfully high and at other times extremely low. I suspect a number of us here, when feeling down about ourselves, may simply withdraw from the world temporarilly. Your friend may going through such a time. In my case, a number of my on-line friends are having really tough times, and their desire to communicate is low. The best I can do, is to be there in case they need me, and try to keep the communication open.

HUgz,
MIchelle Lynn

Well...
I had some hope, initially, of finding real friends here. But I lost most of that. Not that I ever were a very hopeful person.. Still, after these months I also know that a lot of people here succeed in a way that I do not. It makes me wonder, of course, what is wrong with me.


Linda

Anyway, I can't help smiling at myself.
Soliloquy... may be a weak point with me...

Linda

I'm afraid I would have to disagree. The way I see it there probably is something wrong with me. I do not want to live alone so, if I cannot establish any kind of close relationship - even of a temporary nature - this means I will live, basically, in some state of pain. On an objective level this contradictory state is clearly wrong. I can, of course, wait until the day I die with admitting that this will never end - that is, act as if nothing is wrong.

I do, of course, know something about my own problems after all these years. And I don't think I'm misjudging completely what I've read here over the last nine months. My impression is much the same as from the years I have behind me - that of standing on the outside, registering how most others seem to have at least some semblance of a normal life. What you're saying about your online experiences, Sandra, only confirms my impression.

From what you're saying it seems I have misunderstood the function of the chatroom too... But then I never could get in there. If you're right I may just as well forget about it. One hope and one worry less.

Linda

Thinking about it, it's really simple...


- I'm sad, really.

- Keep smiling.

- I don't have any reason too ?

- Keep smiling.


Linda

Thank you, Wendy

Linda
xoxox

I hate that what happened to you happned but maybe it's for the best. Maybe it just wasn't ment to be. Better to be dumped on line than hurt physcialy in person. This person may not be what she says she is so do be careful with on line relationships I have heard on the news and have heard other people say the pirfict match on the computer wasn't a perfict match after all either the person who thaught "she" (I use the term she because most of the viciums are women not to say men arn't victums either but it seems like most are women) found the pirfict match finds out latter that their perfict match wasn't so perfict through either abuse (mainly physical) or get thrown out in the street with no place to go and no money. So all I have to say about internet relationships is DO BE CAREFUL OUT HERE it is a jungle full of pretators just lying in wate to pounce in the right cimenstances

Alli....i'm so sorry to hear that, but i can understand how you're feeling cos i had a similar experience not so long ago.
I felt sad but just picked myself up, dusted myself down...and got on with my life. you must do the same hun cos believe me, there is someone out there for you. I never thought i'd find someone but in charllet i have and we've never been happier than we are now.

Have Faith hun
Love & xxxxxxx Anna-Marie

I'm going through something like that right now with my marriage. I thought we were going to talk to work things out, or at least talk, and now it doesn't seem like that's going to happen. If anything, we at least deserve to have some information as to what is going on. Otherwise, it is maddening.

I think that most of us share some degree of experience in being rejected for who we really are. Even if we were not openly TG or even aware of what we were, many of us knew we had thoughts, desires and behaviors that were not "acceptable". xxxxxxxxx

I suspect that, because of this, we are sensitive to rejection. We tend to withdraw more easily than average if we sense rejection (real or imagined). We read meaning into situations too easily. We feel more easily abandoned, rejected, disliked, unaccepted. Someone gets the flu, or has a disaster, or has to work longs days without a day off, we dont hear from them for a two weeks; we start reading meaning into the silence.xxxxxxxxx

We are in turmoil emotionally. We are undergoing change, emotional and/or physical. Parts of our self that have never been exercised are let loose and, like children, we stumble as we learn who we are. We are too slow or too fast to let out emotion. We let out too little or too much. We get caught up in the addiction of experienceing feelings that we never did before...and we get "drunk" with them. For many of these experiences, this is not abnormal, but merely years late. We don't judge these events as we would in a child, however, we judge them as coming from adults. Yet we have no more experience with them than children do. Because of years of feeling "wrong", we take blame on ourselves, or place it on others when it should just be a learning experience and put quickly aside as kids do.xxxxxxxx

All of this affects our deeply disturbing experiences of finding our true selves. Yes, many of us probably are a bit odd. Who can blame us. BUT.....this is a consequence of our culture. If our culture accepted us, as Native American cultures often did in the past, we would be far less disturbed because we would not feel wrong, just different. Not bad, just unique and valued. Among the Lakota (Sioux), a "Winyanktehca" was so valued that they might be sought out and given a horse for giving a special name to a baby. Would we feel so "wrong" or sensitive living in a culture such as that? One where we could have lived whatever gender role we chose for ourself. I doubt it. Even "non-TG" persons have problems. We have extra stress. We also have higher than average intelligence and a unique way of viewing the world. We have to use those gifts to deal with the stresses. We have to accept ourselves before we can expect others to accept us. We start here, and in other places, to accept each other and help each other accept ourselves.

Linda,

Most of us are alone, but here we are learning how to not be alone. Less than 18 months ago I was totally alone in my TG self. Now....well, I can sit and write to hundreds of people LIKE ME that I have never met. Now I see my "sisters" when I am out, when others don't. It happened to me just this month. Everyone saw "him" but I noticed "her" painted toenails and choice of clothing, saw the tension as I walked up and stopped. I wasn't looking for anything, but I began looking at the same things (jewlery, hairbands, etc) and talking about them to the gg I was with. I could see that it made the other TG person relax and I got to spend a minute sharing the shopping experience with a sister.....and nobody else noticed, not even the gg I was with. I learned how to be open like that here. If I had been alone, I know I would have struck up a conversation with her. As it was, it was a nice moment, for both of us, I'm sure, though, since I was dressed a bit "extra-macho" (for good reason) it must have been a bit of a shock for her, lol. For me it was the first time I had gone out of my way to be noticed shopping for feminine things, in a public store...and NOBODY noticed but the other TG :-D

What I'm trying to say, Linda, is that TW is not the destination. TW is a cross between a Sorority and a Halfway House. Some of us just take longer than others to make the same journey.....we take a different path at a different pace. I learned that here too.