Hi everbody, I had my 2nd session today and feel better today than I did yesterday. The last few days have been somewhat a stress and I had thoughts of purging and just forgetting about the whole thing. Ohmygawd, how many times have I done that!!! The few things that I bought to keep me sane nearly went into the trash. I have done that so many times and always regret it after. Just the idea that I can somehow forget who I am is in itself is insane. Like Einstein said "To do the same thing over and over and to expect that the results will change is Insanity". For way to many years, I have been insane by this definition as with each purge I expected a change and never recieved one. Lori, my therapist believes for me to move on I must feel good about myself first. So we talked about the "male" me and how I see him. We talked of the purging and why I do that. It is clear that all my problems in life stem from my inability to face myself and that all these virables are the cause of a life depressed and suicidal. I know that I can never stop being me, even though I have tried over and over. I am so happy that I have found this website and know that others feel the same as I. I am listening to a CD from the band Hiroshima, the CD is Providence. There is a song that started as I began writing this, it is called "One of us" and it soooo reminds me of all of us as I feel that I am in the right place and that my desicion to move foward with what has always been me is the right desicion. If I were to stop and try to suppress my feelings, like so many times in the past, it would be a means to an end for my life. Before I found this site I was so close to suicide again and felt no need to live. For way to long I felt as I was the odd part that has no place to fit in. Coming here and seeing my therapist, I no longer feel as if I am an odd part and I know that I do fit in. As always, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!
LuvHugKis...Rachel


These are the words to "One of Us" by Diane Louie, performed by Hiroshima.
One of Us

Some people say they know
Just how far love should go
They say when it's too much
There's a time to turn away
But 'til the end you've got us all
You're one of us and you are loved

I could not love you more
If you were my very own
In this new world we'll make
You are where you'll always belong
And for your life and for your trust
We welcome you as one of us

Darling, you will always be part
of the family
You're one of us, you're one of us
Nothing can undo the ties that bind us
You're one of us
So let the cold wind blow
You're anchored stronger than any storm
We're one for all and all for one of us
And you're one of us

The way we love you now
Won't change life's ups and downs
But when others let you down
We will never let you go
And even when you're on your own
As one of us, you're not alone

Darling, you will always be part
of the family
You're one of us, you're one of us
Nothing can undo the ties that bind us
You're one of us
So let the cold wind blow
You're anchored stronger than any storm
We're one for all and all for one of us
And you're one of us

Rachel, that's beautiful.

Hugs...Joni