I am not sure where it is that I am heading but I just want to say to everyone that you all were great and helped alot. I have come to a conclusion that any hope of coming out is foolish thinking. I am so sad that all I think of is suicide and I cannot bare the thought anymore. I guess I am purging again and most likely will fall back into the loop that has been my life from birth. I wish I knew how and why I was born this way. For me it has been a nightmare that I keep running from only to wake up and realize that it is not a nightmare but my real life. I know all to well what I am and it hurts so much that I wish it would all end. I should had come to grips with this years ago. I didn't. I have been who everyone thinks I should be. I want to kill that person that I created to hide who I am. I am so complex and carry so much baggage that my back hurts from the weight. How I got this far is a mystery to me. I would never wish what I feel on anyone and wish I could just wash my hands of my life. I feel like contaminated dirt that nothing good could ever grow in. I have screwed up my life so badly that there is no repair that could ever fix it. Every time I meet someone that I think I could have a life with I run away like a coward. Three engagements and no marriage. I have a daughter that I have never met and most likely quite a few children through out the United States and Mexico. I have been with over 500 women. I know this because I kept count in a book with their names and stars next to each one. I wonder what type of person does this? When I accidently ran my book through the washing machine there was over 800 names in it. I was mad that I lost my book of scores. Now I am mad that I was a jerk to so many women. I have no idea what it was that I was trying to prove by being that way. I think I was trying to prove to myself that I was normal like everyone else. Whatever normal is, I don't know. I have not been a very nice person. Here is something that will bend your head, I use to ride in several very well known motorcycle clubs with colors on my back. I was an enforcer in one club. Get out of line and my job was to pound your head into the pavement. At one time I weighed over 250 pounds. Imagine that. I smuggled and sold cocaine. I use to shoot coke into my veins. Banging a half gram was just a taste. After that it was bumping for the next 2 or 3 days all the while riding and taking care of club business. All the while I hid my real self. It has been this way since I was a child. As a kid I rode motocross and scramble racing. When alone I dressed and wished I was a girl. In the motorcycle clubs I did alot of things that would warrent a life sentence in prison. I never killed anyone, but I have shot at people and have been shot once myself. I stabbed the asshole who shot me. I was trying to kill him for shooting me. I took a round off the side of my head. I wish it would had got me between the eyes. My life is so full of crap that there is not enough paper to wipe it away. I have an extensive police record full of violence that I am so ashamed of that even writing this ain't going to help ease any pain. I once shoved my 357 down someones throat for less than $1000.00 in dope money. I laid the barrel of the same gun on someones ear and fired it just because I thought he was an asshole. I have done so many things that most people could never fathom someone doing. I have been in touch with some bros back up in the city and I am considering going back and donning colors again. I get my drivers liscence back in april ( I lost it after a high speed run on the harley at 142mph all coked up and running from the law, a ten year revocation on a 7th DUI) and have been putting my bike back together. I am putting Rachel away for good and going back to where I belong. It hurts. Why I even let her back out is beyond me. No one knows her,other than those whom I have known in the tg world. I am so confused that why I am even writing this is beyond me. Maybe I am trying to come to terms with what my life is. It most deffinitly is not a bowl of cherries. More like day old dog food that not even the hungriest pitbull would touch. For the last few days I have considered ending my life. I don't even have the balls to do that anymore.I have tried 7 times to kill myself and failed 7 times. I am such an awful person. I do not consider myself to even be human but more of an alien from somewhere unknown. Life just sucks. I thought that I knew where I was heading. It is the same old story over and over again. Purging and purging. I am an idiot for thinking that I could ever come to grips with this. Since age 7 I have known what a transgendered person was after seeing it on a movie screen at the drive-in. The Christine Jorgensen Story. Man I was freaking out over that. To be that young and to find out the awful truth is something no child should have to learn. My parents have always wondered what was wrong with me. They have to know. They had to have seen it in me. If they didn't, what is wrong with them? What is wrong with the world? What is wrong with me? Why can't I ever come to terms with this? I have questioned my sanity ever since learning of myself so many years ago. All of the lies that I have built like a wall will never come down to expose the truth. In some strange way I have been on a death trip, hoping to make the one mistake that would end my pain of being what I am. The bike clubs and the violence. Jumping off of fixed objects. Skydiving and going low before deploying. Sometimes I think of tracking all the way into the ground. I watched Jerry Loftis, the guy who started Surf Flight sky boards, go in after a main and reserve entanglement. He hit the runaway about fifty feet from the plane I was boarding and splattered like an egg. I had no feeling what so ever. It was more like, "lucky him". I think about just going in with nothing out. Cannot do it though. I had a pilot chute in tow a few weeks back and instead of just riding it down, I started emergency procedure to save my life. As I did the pilot chute pulled the main from the container and I stopped the procedure to deploy the reserve. There was a girl that I know very well whom was on tv that most of you have probally seen. She screwed up bad and cutaway a good parachute and then had a bad reserve ride into a parking lot. Shayna gave up fighting the bad reserve and let go of the toggles. She is lucky to be alive after slamming her face into the asphalt. I would had had fought the malfunction all the way in. Much like the pilot chute in tow I started the procedure to save my life. Much like starting the process to come out. But in this case it seems that I am giving up and letting go of the toggles. I don't know if this is wise as I have been in this malfunctioning configuration before and have never walked away for the better of it. More scars and more pain on my being. My whole life is a scar that no amount of abrading can ever wear away. I have built scar upon scar and have become dull to the ache of the pain in my soul. I am lonely and not at all satisfied in this at all. I have been emailing with a gg in another state who has seen my profile at one of the HIV dating sites. She is extremely beautiful and I am so taken by her. Yet, I feel that, again, I am lying. Can I go to her with this pain and baggage that I have on my back? I do not think that I can be honest about who I really am. I keep my past well hidden. Only recently did I come clean about my violent side when some people questioned why I was on Shayna's side when she went on TV and lied about her accident saying that it was a main parachute malfunction when in fact she induced it and then cutaway an easy fix only to screw up the reserve. I have become a more compassionate person due to what have become of my life. Everything I have done to myself has been self induced and I screwed up my own reserve ride each time only to slam face first into the asphalt and walk away only to lie about what really happened. Like now I have slammed and I am going to walk and lie about it to no one but myself. What happens next ain't no doctor can fix, ain't nothing can be done about it.
In closing this, I really want to say thank you to all my beautiful sisters. I will think of everyone and pray that your lives are what you wish them to be. You are all so much braver than I could ever hope to be. To all I wish the world will see that you all are soooooo beautiful. Mostly I want to say goodbye to Gabrielle Hart, I am going to miss you the most. I honestly fell in love with you for you have been so kind as all the girls have been. But you particularly as I have enjoyed emailing with you and hope that you find what it is that you need most. For me, I am doing what Albert Einstein discribed as insanity, doing the samething over and over and expecting that the results will change. It's the world I know.
Luv,Hug and a Last Kiss, goodbye, Rachel Allison Stevens

Dear Rachel
All i can say is that i'll miss you as much, if not more than you realise. I to feel very strongly for you and can not believe that we will never meet but i do respect your decision. Go safely me darling. I do not care about all that has gone before only that you can find happiness for yourself. If you ever find your way back to us please let me know somehow i will wait for you always my friend, my inspiration, my love.
with luv always Gab-XX-

I can only echo what has been said here, I'll miss you too


Take care and I pray that you find what you need.

That you step from the door and arc into freedom, Rachel, that you write such words, shows the courage,compassion and hidden beauty that is in your soul. You are the only one who can truly forgive yourself the past, Rachel. We can understand and forgive. It seems that you want to, too. You are always welcome.

"Nature gives every time and season some beauties of its own."
Charles Dickens

Please don't let yours be lost.

Rachel,
Whatever happens to you my thoughts are with you, I also know the power of denial and confusion........and the bravery needed to confront the side of us we dare not face.
However we are who we are, and discover ourselves continuously through time. you speak of the bravery you've had to do the things you've done, yetfor me the courage is harder to find when we are dealing with ourselves, our inner selves. This is our hardest task, all others fading into ghosts beside it....I wish you the best on your own personal journey, you'll be hard to forget...
love and light
ride free tonight
xxxx

Rachel-

The door is always open, the light is always on.

Hugs...Joni