Hi everyone!!! Therapy today was so what I needed. The main part was talking about what happened over the holiday. About the attempt to purge and not being able to do it this time. In the past I would get rid of everything and go on for awhile before I would return to being me. Why I would purge was the question and guilt was the answer. The next question dealt with why I felt guilt. Because I was lying to everyone about who I was. I always felt that if I could just forget about my real self and be who people wanted me to be, everything will be fine. That is the lie I tell myself even though I know that everything will not be fine. I told her that I do not really like myself for what I have become, not tg, the person who hides this fact is the person that I do not like. I love myself as Rachel but cannot stand the male persona that hides her. While there I cried over this and told her more about the episode over the holiday and how I felt that not being able to go on as myself is the most horriable thing. Trying to kill Rachel was so horriable and that I would be forever miserable if I cannot be myself. She pointed out that by not going through with the last purge shows that my female side is getting much stronger. I know this is true. I know that eventually I will come out completely. We then talked of the fear that I feel about others knowing and how this fear played on me not being able to have a relationship. Three failed engagements and the large number of women that I have been with. She suggested that I might want to tell the woman in Arizona about my real self. If she is alright with it or not it would still be best to get it out now before any type of relationship could start. We also went further with talk of coming out and who I should tell first. Again the fear talk came about and what I thought about how I will be viewed. My fears are unfounded as I have know idea what others will think unless I test the water. She suggest that I tell someone whom I trust the most. She thinks that I should do this in the next two weeks before our next session. I decided that I will tell my sister. I am not sure how she will take this. I hope that she can understand that this is not something that just came about but something that has been me since birth. I hope that she does not freak out that her little "brother " wants to and has always desired to live as a woman. I hope she can understand that this just how I am and it started at before I was even born. It is just how it is and that I cannot stop this. I am going to come out and be me one way or another. I know that it is right and that I will never be happy any other way.
LuvHugKis, Rachel

I'm so glad that you're seeing the therapist still and that she is so much help to you. All the best with telling your sister, please let us know how it all goes.
luv Gab-xxx-

Rachel
That sounds like a good way to start. It's wonderfull that you have a therapist you can talk with.
As you face your fear & take this first step know that my heart is with you. xxx(big big hug)