Hi, luvs--This is Jayne Sakura's story. It's a two verse chorus. Sorry--I tried to edit it down four times...and decided I couldn't do it.

MJS

I wasn’t going to tell you my entire life story; just the parts that you needed to know to show you that I’m walking the same path as you. But, it ended up being pretty long anyway. I am gender dysphoric, probably from birth. I am also both parts of a pair of twins. Suffice it to say for now that my twin sister didn’t subsume properly, and thus I have ended up with some interesting stuff…but I’ll get into that a little later. It starts off when I was young…really young. I liked to play with my sister’s dolls, got into Mom’s makeup and perfume more than I should have…in short, I did a lot of the same things that you may or may not have done. I was even an honorary Girl Scout; since Mom was a troop leader and had no place to park me…somewhere, she still has my merit badges for cooking, sewing and outdoor lore. I even experimented with a friend in terms of being physical. In third grade, that meant a lot of kissing. We did all the “experimenting” we could get away with in a closet for several weeks. I took knitting as an elective once in elementary school; then macramé. Played in the band, sang in the chorus…did lots of “girl type” stuff. But, my folks kept trying to reinforce the gender stereotype (or at least an androgynous stereotype), and eventually I “grew out of it”.

Fast forward now to high school. I was somewhat masculine in body, but my skin pH was all wrong, I weighed 70 pounds through most of my junior year, and I was more emotional than most of my male peers. Instead of shop class, I took a sewing class. Anytime I lost a girlfriend, I reacted just as any girl would have…tears, anger, feelings of rejection, and so forth. I often chalked it up to being a ‘temperamental artist”, and figured I’d get over it. Except I never did, and compounding this, I often felt like the girls had better relationships, clothes, accessories, and so forth. ..and they had all the best songs to sing, to boot.  BUT…I never felt like a girl, although some of my friends who were female kidded me about being “one of the girls”. I just chalked up the mess of my life to being me. I even got slapped once by my sister one morning, simply because I had bigger boobs than she did. And then I met Scott (not his real name). He was warm, wonderful, kind, cute, and just a tad younger than I was. We were coming back from a band trip in my folks’ motor home, in the back, and we were just kidding around, talking, and having a good time. We were tired, and suddenly, in a lighter “heavy” moment in our discussion, asked if he could kiss me. Since no one was around in back, I figured, why not? I told him okay, and suddenly he was in my arms, kissing me tentatively at first, then a little stronger. We became lovers, and his was the first cock I ever had in my mouth. But that was a little later, and we “dated” each other between girlfriends (hey, we didn’t have the openness that we do now back in the early 1980’s) off and on until I was in the Navy. By that time, I had prayed to receive Christ as my Savior, and had “buried” most of my feelings, much less any thoughts of being a woman. Oh, I had occasional brief flings with guys, one jumped me and stunned me, and another was just a chance encounter (him I fantasized about for three years). But nothing serious; after all, I was supposed to be very straight. Even when I went to Seminary, I kept things pretty well buried. I mean, I was married, and working toward some form of ministry…why would I want to do those things again, and possibly jeopardize my married life and career?  But…I started having cross gender yearnings again. I “practiced” with a candle I had shaped into a cock at one end, leaving the other to simulate a gradual anal job. I tried on some of my S.O.’s clothes. Since she stands one-half inch shorter, and we are virtually the same weight and build, this was easy. In fact, she’s unhappy nowadays because I weigh less than she does, and have better boobs, besides!  (She’s a 38b, I’m a 36c.)

ANYWAY…I finally ditched that when I graduated, though, and just chalked it up to stress. I was moving on in my life, right? I took my first church job in Southwestern Indiana, and hoped to leave the “queerness” and “perversity” behind. And that was okay, until mid 1998. I had been going into chartrooms on my computer as a number of female people (if any of you met me, I was Ami Mizuno at the time). Then, I met Dave (which IS his real name). Dave was openly gay to me, and though he kept it quiet from a lot of people, kept flirting with me when I admitted at a conference to being bisexual in my past. I tried to put off some of the emotions just talking to him was bringing out. In mid 1999, in a fit of frustration, I bought myself a bra and panties as “punishment” for playing a woman online. I discovered I really liked them! I wore them daily after work when the S.O. wasn’t home. Sometimes I wore the panties to work.  I started buying more female clothing, jewelry, nails and polish, etc. I finally gave in to Dave, and we had a little something for awhile. I kept my femme stuff hidden until I lost my job and we moved. I started to temp; which around here “only women or queers” did. I was scared that I’d get discovered, so on Christmas Eve 1999, I pitched it all in the dumpster, and tried to walk away from it all. This was it. Jayne had “died”…and there was nothing to prove that I had ever been a miss.

And that should have been that. I was broke, had no privacy, and was living in a borrowed apartment on borrowed time. ..more so than I ever realized.

(Now go to verse two.)