"...so on Christmas Eve 1999, I pitched it all in the dumpster, and tried to walk away from it all. This was it. Jayne had “died”…and there was nothing to prove that I had ever been a miss.
And that should have been that. I was broke, had no privacy, and was living in a borrowed apartment on borrowed time. ..more so than I ever realized."
And now, as they say, the rest of the story...
I kept coming back to the realization that I missed being Jayne. I had to stop denying who I really was. I was getting sick physically, and ended up taking a day off work to recover at one point. As a temp, that could have meant the end of my current assignment. In a weak moment, on Valentine’s Day, 2000, I bought a tin of lip-gloss, telling myself it was just to protect my lips from the cold and wind…and Jayne came back to life. Soon I started to buy a few things here and there, and suddenly found I had a bigger (and nicer) wardrobe, including 3 pairs of shoes, and full makeup, to boot. I started looking around for cross-dressers on the web, and found…precious little. Most of these were badly written kinky porn stories, nude pictures of shemales, transvestite pictures with really bad makeup jobs, porn sites, and so forth. It was then I discovered that I was looking under the wrong title. By admitting to being transgendered, I found…some decent fiction, stories of pre and post op transgendereds, some activist stuff, etc. Still precious little, but better. Then I discovered two sites: one dealt with issues of faith and transgenderism (which helped immensely with that part of my life), and WWW.Transbay.org, which allowed me to read “Sasha’s Secret Diaries”, which really helped me out. (Sasha Devereaux, bless you. Your artwork spoke volumes to me. Keep it up!) I also spend a lot of time online, sharing tips and so forth with new friends on TrannyWeb.
These days, I wear my hair a little longer, keep my nails short but femme, and wear panties, knee highs or pantyhose, and a bra to work. I also work out in a sports bra and panties, which are worn under my workout clothes...when I wear workout clothes. I remember well the first time I dressed for Dave. It was the summer of 1999, and I just had to share with someone. Long white skirt and blouse, panties, padded bra, knee highs, anklet, pearls, earrings, lip-gloss and nails. Later that day, I changed to a blue and white striped top, short denim skirt, unpadded bra and panties, earrings, no nails, and we just sat and talked. It was wonderful. In August of 2000, I spent a whole week wearing a bra and panties under street clothes at a conference I was at. Then, in September 2000 I went out a few times at night in public. The one time was to a theatre, plain bra, panties, ankle socks, Lycra top, clear polish on my nails, and pants. It was a rush! I also went to church in an unpadded bra and panties, with clear polish on my fingernails. I even took some pictures! In October 2000 I got a little braver: I went out in my lira top, femme blue jeans, unpadded bra and panties, and went to a public place. I was out all of a half hour, but it was a half hour in broad daylight. The ultimate rush is going out in nylons and a skirt; I have done so and been so feminine I feel like never going back! I go out quite a bit in some makeup, and wear women’s clothing most of the time, even when the S.O. is around. (Heck, she’s even helped me pick out some femme pants, tops, bras and panties!) I have had pictures taken of me by others, and have gotten more of a life as Jayne Sakura. I have a mailbox, a bank account, and will eventually have a credit card. I have a wig now, and it is not too uncommon to see me as Jayne out shopping or whatever. I’m getting more comfortable going out now, but I’m still pretty quiet about my new life. In March 2002, I got really brave: did up the makeup, put on my wig, dressed to the nines, and went out. I got hit on once, and picked up on a little later. Doing somebody as a woman was a rush, but at the same time seemed perfectly natural and normal as who I am becoming crystallizes. I took pictures that weekend as well. I even went to church pretty much as Jayne, save for the makeup and shoes. I have femme clothes that look good, and with a slimmer on, even a loose dress blouse can’t hide my curves anymore! I wear much of the same to work, and have much of the same problems. I don’t even get odd looks anymore…a few people at work know I consider myself transgendered, and they just accept me as I am. (The rest just think I’m strange.) I own little male clothing anymore, and my male life is slowly receding as my female life really becomes my life. I finally explained to my S.O. that I was Gender Dysphoric…oddly enough, on Mother’s Day, 2002.
I have had to come to grips with certain things…like shaving my armpits and legs. Like waking up and remember to shave my face, and not to apply a foundation. (It’s that Gender Dysphoria thing again. I am not morning people, so I actually have to wake up before I wander into the bathroom.) Like telling the clerk behind the counter that this blouse, skirt and hose are for me…and not my S.O. (There’s a priceless look!) I have lost some friends…but am at peace with myself, really, for the first time.
I can’t just walk out of my current life and live the rest of my days as a full time woman. I want to, very much so. But I have other obligations to keep right now, and that does slow my progress some. By sharing my story with you, I hope to embolden you to look inside yourself, and see who you really are. Because it is only by being that kind of comfortable that you will truly be able to live as a woman. Nothing else will do it. I am finally comfortable in my own skin, and one day perhaps I will move on in my new life to truly be who I am becoming. And that will be a beautiful thing, indeed. The road is long, and it will have potholes. (This is Southern Indiana, after all. Potholes are a way of life.) But the feeling of being…complete…is like no other feeling. I encourage you, sisters, to find who (not what) you are.
Luv ‘n hugs always and forever,
Lady Jayne Sakura
"Almost Angel, T-Girl Genius, and Ultra-Flirt"
