I don't even know how to start this message. I'm just feeling so extremely overwhelmed at the moment.

I've never posted here for a variety of reasons, mainly because I just joined this site looking for information.

Today though, I'm sitting alone at my desk in my office and I'm just feeling utterly horrible, I can't put into words how I feel right now, the best I can describe it is being overwhelmed and confused.

I just don't know what's going on, or who I am, or anything. ANd I have nobody at all to talk to about it, in fact, once I write this message, I'm going to go home to my girlfriend who has no idea about any of this and I'm going to pretend that everything is perfectly alright.

I dunno, I feel like I've been lying all my life, lying about absolutely everything. I even lied several years ago when I joined this site, I wrote a completely wrong name when I registered.

When I go shopping, I awalys tell my girlfriend that I hate it, a part of me does, I hate having to go try on men's clothing, I hate having to buy them, I hate the whole process, but while I'm there, I'm always staring at the women's department. I know it sounds dumb and stereotypical, but I know I'd be having more fun if I was over there.

It's not just that of course. When I talk to people, there are things that I want to say, ways that I want to act that I just supress. It's second nature to act the way I do, but it's usually opposite how I actually feel.
Does that even make sense?

Maybe this is all dumb, but I tired to sit down and write on a sheet of paper. "I have a problem, I need help." But I couldn't do it, I couldn't get grab a pen to write with. Write now my legs are jittering like crazy and my hands are cold and shivering.


And it's not just soemthing new, this is what I've been like all my life since I was a child. Does it mean I'm transgendered? I don't know? I really don't. There are times that I really really really want it to mean that. It would explain so much. Then there is the rest of the time where I hope to whatever higher power there is out there that I'd just be 'normal'. I'm not though, in the statistical sense, I know that. When I'm alone, I dress in women's clothing. I used to try and convince myself that it'sjust some fetish. Somehow that made it better for a while. I don't know, maybe that's true as well.


I'm sorry for throwing this on you all like this. I know you don't know me, but I just don't know where else to turn. I know you can't tell me what to do, or anything like that, I just really needed an outlet, I just really need to get this out. I just needed someone to listen and maybe someone to say they heard me.

I really do feel alone right now, I'm seriously considering seeing a therapist, but it's just so complicated. There's issuses with family, friends, my girlfriend, my schooling (I'm a grad student right now, work is stressful), finances (I'm just a student), and just everything in general.

I dunno maybe I'm making way too big of a deal of this, but I'm jsut scared.

Anyway, I need to get home and make dinner now.

Thanks for listening, it is really really appreciated.

-Genavieve/Paul/whoever.

Genavieve: WEll, in short, welcome to the world of Transgendered people! I am sure soon you will see multiple responses from people that have or are going thruogh the same things you are now. It IS an overwhelming thing when we start to realize who and what we really are. I prefer to think of it as we ( transgendered people) as caterpillers, going through life as we were, and then at some point the
outer chrysalis starts to split and the butterfly wants to emerge. It happens at different times for different people. Some very young and some when we are older and finally tire of all the bullcrap and decide the hell with them all, I have to be who I really am before I go bonkers. But, it is a scarey thing! There is so much to consider, all the people, job, etcetera... It IS intimidating, but with the help of our sisters here and maybe even a Therapist, you can survive. Pro help is usually a good thing. For years I pretended to be the macho type and all the stupidity that went with it and then finally , enough... I pretended to hate shopping for the exact same reasons as you. If I could be over in the ladies department, I would LOVE shopping!
I still feel the need to tell people things , the things we know we are never supposed to tell, how I feel romantic a lot, tell them about my feelings on a lot of things, but feel if I do I might offend and lose them.
There's no magic bullet or injection nor prayer for this. Other than the one that goes:
God give me the strength....
Hang in there girl, we'll help you as much as is possible!

Jackie

I don't know a single transgender person who hasn't spent sleepless nights wishing they were "normal." I cried for most of my life until I confronted and accepted who I am. Now that I am able to be myself, I don't want to be "normal" anymore. I am starting to like who I am. My friends here at Trannyweb have helped me tremendously to realize that who I am is not a bad or unnatural thing. At this point in my life, surrounded by so many wonderful, loving and accepting friends, I wouldn't have it any other way.

well think the others have pritty much covered everything , i wont repeat all wots been said except good luck i hope wots been said helps and your not alone heree at trannyweb were all on the same boat

Hi again everyone.

I just want to say thank you so much for the support and kind words.
I don't think I have the time to thank you individually, but I appreciate every single comment, it really meant alot to have people to share with.

I'm feeling better about things today, it felt oddly nice to just get things released like that, there's still butterflies in my stomach when I start to think about things, but I think I can live with that for right now.

Thank you thank you thank you.

I'll try and log on more often and post more often.

Thank you again. ^_^

-Gena

Genavieve sounds about most of the girls here. Including my self so don't feel like your alone

Genavieve, I think most of us can relate to what you're experiencing. There were several times I remember that I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. That restless feeling, always needing to be doing something to take my mind off of the feelings I had...and still do. Somehow I've been able to manage and survive. I think for me, becoming a member at TW had a lot to do with that. I don't think you'll find a more understanding and supportive group of people anywhere else.

You've come to the right place hon. Just take a deep breath and try not to stress out too much...and come and chat with some of us


Hugs & kisses,

Monika

Genavieve, I cried when I found TW. When I was younger I really thought the only way for me was out. That meant not living anymore. Since I'm a girl that was out of the question. So I continued dressing for another twenty years until I had had enough and went to a therapist. That was the best day of my life! Except for when I came here and became a member of TW. It really is a support group all in its own. Welcome back. Talk to somebody. Anybody you trust. Anybody here. Peace.

I was going to put in a long responce but i think this is a better offer, if youthink i can help in any way please email me at any time. i promise to responed as fast as i can.

Love and hugs to all the new girls
Sara

Genavive,

The really sad thing is when you don't realize all of this until you are over 50. We have heard the things you have said so many times here at Trannyweb that I couldn't begin to count them. You are different, along with at least 30 million other MtF transgendered persons around the world. What you are experiencing is primarily a neurobiological process. It's the way your brain grew....or rather didn't grow entirely male as a good XY fetus is supposed to (we all start out as female embryos whether XX or XY) It's a natural event. You had nothing to do with it. You will always be transgendered.

Ok, so now that you have had those responsibilities taken off of you....you need to figure out who you are...and you seem to have a good idea...learn about being transgendered (we cover a wide range of types....heterosexual, lesbian, crossdressers, transgenderists, transsexuals, etc. There aren't even proper labels for what we are....no matter, you are you, an individual. ) ...accept yourself as who you are.....and figure out how you are going to live with it. I strongly recommend reading through http://www.reneereyes.com to see how wide a range we cover. One thing you can never be is a "normal" male. Jesus will not save you from being transgendered and they can't cure you.

It's not all that bad. Even the majority of wives don't leave their TG husbands when they come out to them. This does not mean there are not problems. They can be dealt with. You have come to the best place in the world to get your answers, be accepted, and not be alone. So take a deep breath, hold it, let it out slowly and get ready to share your life with a lot of girlfriends. Welcome to the Sorority, sister...and relax, it gets better from here on.

Hi Genavieve

What you said sounds very much like I could have said it. I have been like this since I was a kid. I realy thought there was something wrong with me. I understood nothing about myself.
The thought of anyone finding out made me allmost sick.
It was here that I learned somethings about myself, to injoy that side of me. It's realy not so scary with the girls here to talk to. You'll be fine if you just say the things on your mind & talk them out with us.

Hi Genavieve,
It’s way past my bedtime, but this caught my attention so I really wanted to respond, if only briefly for now. You really, really don’t need to apologise for posting here, that’s what this place is for, please do stick around and I’m sure you will reach a better understanding of all this.
Statistically speaking you say you are not normal. I’m certain that huge numbers of the male population are in some way affected by transgenderism. What’s more important than statistics though is that nature made you this way, so in that sense you are normal. Just like me, and everyone else here.
Try not to worry too much about being TG. Some think it’s a blessing, others a curse; is the glass half full or half empty…? I see it as neither, it’s just something we need to accept about ourselves; once we do that, life can get a whole lot better.
I’ve been full time for nearly 2 years, all my friends accept me for who I am, my mum loves me as much as ever, I feel at peace with myself.
I’ve never been happier. Joining Trannyweb has really helped me.
xx

Hi Genevieve.

Wendy and the others have already said it, but they're right, at some point most of wanted to be 'normal' and didn't know what to do. Ultimately though, you/we are transgendered and there is nothing we can do about it. It's taken me a long time to fully accept it and get on with my life but since doing so, I have never been more happy.

What you're going through is normal, and at least you have better access to information and are young enough to decide what you really want. just don't rush into anything before you make a life changing decision.

I do know that the girls of TW will be here for you through everything though, and will be more than happy to listen to what you need to say, as well as offering support.

Hang in there girl, you're far from alone.

Hi Genavieve-

Here's a virtual hug for you and a welcome from all of us here at TW (no, I don't presume to speak for anyone other than myself, but I can pretty much assure you that everyone here welcomes you). Come on in, sit down and have a cup of coffee, you're among friends here. Genavieve, I can so understand how you feel and what you're going through, while I am not in precisely the same circumstances as you, I, all of us here, have gone through or are going through what you are feeling. It isn't easy, but with self acceptance comes some peace and while there may be new challenges in your life, not necessarily easier ones, you will be better equipped to deal with them.

TW is one of the best, if not the best, place on the web for help and acceptance and resources. You can share anything here that you care to and no one will judge you or mock you or tell you there is something wrong with you. We all have something "wrong" with us, at least in the view of some members of society. For what it's worth, I have found nearly universal acceptance amongst all my friends and family members that I have come out to. Admittedly, I have been somewhat judicious about whom I have disclosed to but so far no one has shunned me or cut me off. And as far as society at large, most of them don't really give a damn about what anyone else does as long as it has no immediate impact on them or their's.

Genavieve, I so hope you will stay here and share what you are going through and perhaps shed some of the burden here also. It's so much weight to carry and most of us have carried it for so long that we don't even realize how it has weighed us down until we begin to remove that armor of falseness we have worn most of our lives and become ourselves, who we truly are inside. And it isn't an easy process, there are false starts and steps backward and many turns of the handle before the door is opened. All of us here have stood at the threshold and prepared to step through, then retreated and retreated again until finally coming to terms with being TG and stood on the other side of the door and been better for it.

And btw, it isn't all seriousness and tears and handwringing and heartaches, being yourself can be joyful and filled with a sense of peace and equilibrium we didn't even know we were missing until we found it at last. I wish you the best on your journey and truly hope you stay a part of our community.

Hugs and good wishes...Joni Marie

Hi Gena, it's nice to hear from you again, girl. I'm so glad things are going better for you, at least relatively. Please, stay in touch and let us know how you're doing. You're part of the family now and we take care of each other.

Lots of hugs...Joni Marie

Hi Genavieve.

Glad you are feeling better with yourself now. It can be such a release just to tell someone how you feel. This is a support group above all and we'll help you for as long as you need us. When you feel up to it, come and meet us in chat, either privately or in the main chatroom. it can be a bit overwhelming to take that step but you'll feel so much better for it. Don't worry, we don't bite! You'll be amazed at how 'normal' (I hate to use that word), everything is.

In the meantime, just be yourself, and take care.

Hi Genavieve.
I think we have all written that first post, some longer, some less, some on paper, some just in their own heads. And what a relief it was!

I'm often verbose, so will keep this short, as everyone else has more or less covered it already.

You have come to a good place, for support, advice, help or just a laugh among friends.

And I will end on the same offer as Sara, if you ever need anyone, write me.

Hugs,