Hi Marmar! I have quite enjoyed talking with you the few times we've met in chat. I agree with Lucy (as I do with her on most topics) that you are a singularly fabulous person for being here.

There are, as you are probably learning, numerous forms of transgender expression. I think your S.O., once he accepts that this is not a hobby or a psychological quirk resulting from seaparation anxiety or having been breasfed too long, but really part and parcel of identity, will be able to explore his gender expression further, and determine how to integrate it into his daily life.

While accepting one's transgender identity and even coming out can be difficult and often painful, once done, a door opens into a world populated with very special and loving people. This community, like no other, embraces our own unconditionally, and you and your S.O. are more tham welcome to become a part of it. There are some very exciting things about to happen in the transgender world, and we're glad that you're both just in time to come along for the ride.

Settle in and buckle up! And welcome!

Hello everyone!

I'm new to the site and so my profile is a little sparce - when i have time I will update it with more information. For now, I wanted to introduce myself so you could get to know me a little bit better!

My middle name is Mary and a nickname that has stuck with me is Marmar (pronounced kind of like 'mare' with the 'a' sounding more like an 'e'...like "mehr-mehr")

Which brings me to the fact that I am not tv or ts, but an so (I have learned alooooot of new words lately) of a tv. My boyfriend came out to me not too long ago. I am here because I want to become more familiar with others in this community. I've been exposed to transgenderism in the occasional movie or T.V. show...and I did attend a drag show once my first year in college with a roommate of mine. But I don't know a thing about it and so I am here to learn.

I think if perhaps I can hear other's stories about coming out to loved ones, about what went right and what went wrong that perhaps I can learn how to better handle the situation. I want to learn what others have done with their so's who have stuck around and not abandoned them; how did you make it work? Did you have to compromise??

I am afraid my boyfriend thinks it is something he can get rid of. He said that he thinks he likes to dress up in women's clothing is because he was lonely for female companionship; when he met me, he threw away almost EVERYTHING female that he owned, or "purged".

Lately, he's had thoughts of dressing again. He sounds reluctant like it's bad and is trying to fight it or rationale it away (he was a philosophy major and so is a very logical thinker...). Should I encourage him not to fight it, but the accept it? How do I encourage him? should I just let him deal with it? Should I suggest a therapist who could help him work through these feelings and thoughts? I want to help...I just don't want to be pushy.

If this makes him happy, how can I get in the way of that!? I love my boyfriend very much and that will never change - that's why I'm here, to learn, to be informed, and to collaborate with everyone here and gain to good advice and insight!

It hit me the other day that we're in this together now; I needed someone to talk to and could think of no one (except my own therapist, she's helpful) in our social circle who I could talk to. even my best friend couldn't know, she's dating my boyfriend's roommate! There really is noone I trust enough to confide it so that is another reason I'm here. to protect his privacy by chatting with others that won't know who he, or I, am.


Sorry this was such a long post...but I had alot on my shoulders apparently. Thanks for listening - and for those who I've already chatted with, thank you for your support and help - You're amazing, and all so sweet and nice. I already feel so welcome here.

Hi Marmar,

Welcome to TW! I really enjoyed chatting with you a few nights ago. I don't think there's anything I can say that hasn't already been said by the other girls. I think Lucy sums it up the best with her sentence: "I think your attitude to your boyfriend's issues is brilliant." Keep this kind of thinking up Marmar and I don't think you and your boyfriend will have many problems. I only wish my SO was as open minded when I came out to her.

Again, welcome to our ever expanding family Marmar. Hope to chat with you again soon


Hugs & kisses,

Monika

Hello everyone, and thank you again for your warm welcomes!

I had a nice long chat with my boyfriend this weekend. I had some very big questions on my mind so we talked through them. H

e said that he was just having thought of dressing and when I asked him what that meant, he told me he had urges occasionally and that he missed it sometimes.

I also asked him what is stopping him now from doing it. This one I'm sure many, if not all, of you can relate to: "I want to be myself but I hate the thought of lying to everyone around me. If I can't do it without them knowing, I don't want to at all because I'd rather be myself than live a lie. Not every one will accept me like this; not my parents, not my bosses or coworkers, roommate, not even my close friends perhaps. I just don't want to put myself throught the stress and the anquish of trying to hide my secrets and feeling like I can't be the whole me in front of others." I thought this was big and so perhaps, slowly, I can encourage him to do what makes him feel good and help reduce that stress, guilt, and anquish. No one needs those things in their live at that magnitude.

The next thing he said was, "I'm not about to ask this because I want to do it again, but, hypothetically, would you be ok with me dressing again?" I didn't sugar coat it for him - I told him that most likely I would be ok with him dressing, whether I was there or not. I must admit though, I can't help but think it will be weird at first to see him dressed as a female. who knows, maybe it will look totally natural and it won't bother me. I'm not sure how i will react - but I told him I was willing to try it. If I absolutely cannot handle it - then we can compromise about it, but I don't suspect that will be necessary.

Anyways - we had a good cry together, and a good laugh together (we can find the humor in this as well! I told him I had a dream of being at a drag show cheering him on while he was singing "beyond the sea" dressed in full drag!!! we had a good laugh because he sang that to me at Karaoke once). I feel a heck of alot closer with him since the lines of communication are open and the trust is even stronger. I chatted with some of you the other night and (I can't remember who said this...sorry!) but you were right, this is something that will strengthen our relationship, not wreck it.

anyways - that's all the update I have for now - again, so glad to see/hear from you all! MWAH! ~marmar

Hi Marmar,

I was very impressed to read your post and hope that you stay around for a while as we could benefit as much from your opinions as you can learn from us. I think it is a wonderful thing you are doing trying to understand what the TG phenomenon is; it is a place that Beverly my wife and partner was at not to long ago “well 8 years ago” that’s not long is it? That is when she found out she was in love with a person that was slightly different to her concepts yes that is me I am both intersexed and transgendered but she never gave up on me. Now we have the closest relationship you could ever think of.
Once your boyfriend gets passed the initial embarrassment of the situation I am sure things will improve once there are less fears and more openness.
What ever happens I hope you as a person will see that we also have so much to offer.
Take care
Sara
P.S
If you want to find out more about me please feel free to look at my site www.xy2xx.com

Once again, Marmar, you have proven yourself to be a wonderful woman. I'm sure that seeing your S.O. dressed may take some getting used to, but it's also possible that you may have a thing or two to contribute from your long experience at...wel, being a girl.

The stress that results from the whole dual life thing can really be bad, but being able to set aside some time in a safe place for expression can alleviate this to some degree. Why not bring your S.O. around here? As you have discovered for yourself, we don't bite....much.

Hello Marmar,

I just wanted to say hi and welcome you to TW. You definately are unique. In my opinion you are approaching this in a way that is both going to help you and your newfound girlfriend. I can not add anymore to what has already been said because it has all been said. I do hope we can talk to each other in the future. I like what you have to say

My SO is almost where you are at this point. We have gone from almost 100% accepting to not so much accepting with very strict boundries to where we are now which is, Wendy can appear anytime she wants. Rhee (my SO, wife, GF) now fully understands that this is who I really am and that I will never be happy if I can not be who I really am.

My wifes email address is [email protected]. Give her a shout, she really does have her head screwed on correctely. Maybe a conversation with her could end up helping you, her and the two tgirls in both relationships.

Welcome again.

Thanks for the warm welcomes -

I spent the weekend again with my honey, like we usually do. I've talked myself into not bringing up the tv subject until he does. So of course, I had all kinds of questions and topics and I couldn't talk about them because he didn't bring it up.

I'm thankful that he has been so thoughtful and considerate to have told me this BEFORE we think of getting married. I think that was very important.

But now, after he has brought it up, it's as if it never happened. If I have a question, I usually ask it, he gives a short answer, and then...nothing, we talk about something else. He doesn't want to talk to me about this now.

But, suppressing this, ignoring these issues, I feel is detrimental. He says he doesn't want to dress because it is too stressful and painful to keep the secrets. But it makes him feel good and it makes him happy. How do I make him see that he shouldn't ignore this??

I don't want to nag - I feel like I bring this up way more often than he does. But I also want him to be happy with who he is. So maybe talking about this until we're blue in the face is what he needs...maybe it's just what I need still to be OK.

I will be OK when I know he is OK. and I know repressing and ignoring this isn't going to get us anywhere. I definately have spent alot of time working through this on my own, but a majority of my thoughts are on him:

~ Will he eventually want to live fulltime or actually, by surgery, want to become a female??
~ How do I tell him it is OK to feel these things and act on them by dressing?
~ I know the secrets are hard or painful to keep from your close ones...but why don't you choose to compromise?? Does it HAVE to be all or nothing?
~ What really makes you happy? Then do it!!!

I'm just tired of being the only one in the relationship voicing concerns. He doesn't talk to be about this stuff much at all except to answer my questions. I don't know what to do/say and when I do know, I can't because I fee like I'm stepping on his toes and pushing the envelope when he just wants to forget it.

How do I know what questions to ask to open him up to me? I ask questions that occur to me...how do I know to ask the real questions he needs to be asked? the real questions that make him think? the real questions that make him talk to me?

You're right...I know that in my head...but inside i'm screaming "WE NEED TO TALK MORE!!" it's driving me nuts. I pride myself in NOT being a typical female, stereotypically speaking, being a nag, a drama queen, controlling/jealous etc. but this is the typical female response: talk talk talk. But you're right Mere, I just need to be patient...a virtue that I'm still learning to tweak. Thanks for your response. ~ Mar

Don't you just love her? I do!

For those of you that don't know me, I'm Marmar's boyfriend. I don't really want to go into my whole story at the moment because it's getting late and I don't want to type for hours. Suffice it to say, I've tangoed with my own gender identity and any related subject or mutated form of it. I'm happy now (really really happy!) and I told Mar about the 'thoughts' I was having because we treasure our open, honest relationship. I don't have intense desires to dress up like I once did, in fact, I just have fleeting thoughts about it. I'm happy with just being me, as a guy, sitting in guy clothes, doing whatever I will.

After my journey through genderland, I finally came to the sloooooooow realization that I'm not happy being a 'guy' (at least not the typified stereotype I was fed throughout my life) and I can't be happy as a girl, either. I just have to be me, and what I feel now is that I'm a man, just a man that knows morphology and biology don't predetermine my actions, thoughts, and feelings. I try to let all three come unabashed and unabridged. I speak my mind whenever I feel and keep my mouth shut if that's what I feel at the moment.

I wanted to end this post by saying thank you to all the ladies in this thread that gave Mar a kind ear and friendly advice. I knew this was a lot to handle for her and Lucy Diamond stated exactly what I thought of Mar's actions: "The fact that you are here, wanting to learn and understand speaks volumes." This is one of the many ways she has proven her love for me. She does it regularly, by the way.

Anyway, thank you for your previous and continued support of us! I don't have to tell any of you how constricting it can be to keep a part of yourself from those that love you or how freeing it can be to finally let someone into your safe zone and find that they are quite comfortable there. Nothing like baring your soul and having someone say "oh, how beautiful!" :-D

Hi Marmar and welcome to the site.
I think your attitude to your boyfriend’s issues is brilliant. I’m sure most of us have tried to rationalise our feelings and tell ourselves that it is wrong. I’m also sure that doing this didn’t get us anywhere, just left us in turmoil, feeling unfulfilled, restless, stuff like that…
I think once we stop telling ourselves that it’s wrong, and just accept it as a part of us, it frees us from the burden of wondering what to do about it, the tug of war that goes on in our heads, and above all stops us feeling guilty about it. I haven’t come across anyone yet who is transgender, to whatever degree, who has actually “given it up” for good, so maybe it would be best to encourage your boyfriend to express this side. It’s probably never going to go away, no matter how many times he purges.
There are millions like him or similar, all over the world, it’s really nothing to be ashamed of, and nothing, in my view, that need split up a solid relationship. We can’t help the way we are, we were born like this. It shouldn’t ruin our lives. It shouldn’t even cause us distress; it’s just who we are.
The fact that you are here, wanting to learn and understand speaks volumes. From what you say you don’t seem to have a problem with his true feelings, and for that I respect you. If that is indeed the case then tell him so. It sounds like he’s having some internal struggles, and believe me I know all about that, but he needn’t really, especially when he’s got someone so supportive and loving as you.
He doesn’t have to tell the world if he doesn’t want to, but you know already, so there’s no need for him to fight it.
Good luck, and I hope you’ll stick around.
xx

I'm glad you came in here and introduced yourself like I suggested. It gives you, and us, a chance to open an important dialog.

Mere

Marmar,

Welcome to TW. You could hardly have picked a better place to get to learn what TG/TS persons are really like. We have the entire spectrum here. We range from heterosexual crossdressers to transsexuals, from Admirers to Drag Queens. There is no stereotype here. There is no correct way to be transgendered, just as there is no correct way to be a rg (or gg as we say across the pond). We are individuals. Various parts of our brains are affected in different ways. Some of us play football, some of us play with dolls.

I highly recommend reading both the Admirers Handbook and the T-girl's Survival Guide on this site.

http://www.reneereyes.com[...]ro.html

Renee has done a wonderful job of showing how diverse we are. It's a good primer on gender issues for MtF's (male to female).

Of course, the best way to learn about us, as individuals, is to read the Forums and participate in chat here at TW. It will take time as we are so diverse. Three years here and I'm still learning about my Sisters every day....and myself. I'm fortunate to have a loving and encouraging SO rg who prefers me this way to the "real man" I worked so hard at being before. She likes spending time with her new "girlfriend"...whether I'm en femme or not I am a lot more fun to be around. I prefer "Wendy" too. I like myself a lot better. I wasn't happy until I realized and accepted that I was transgendered. I was born transgendered. I can't change that, ever. Neither can your boyfriend. It's in our brain. It happened while our mother's were pregnant. If we deny it we are not living "our" life. We are living a lie. You can't cure being GLBT. Nobody can. I don't want to. I'd rather die. For the first time in a long life I am living "my" life. The best advice I can give your boyfriend is to think outside the male-female boxes and try to be the person he/she is inside, perhaps still hidden even from him/her.

I'm certain that having you to talk to is enormously important to your boyfriend. Being alone is awful. Perhaps, when you have been here a while, you can convince him to visit our sorority as well. My SO, Sundance, does not have computer access, but she has made a few contributions through me. Most of us have made lifelong friendships here at TW.

Here is a link to a list of support groups in Texas.

http://www.tgnow.com/supp[...]s-w.htm

I think Tri-Ess would be a good group for the two of you. It is for heterosexual crossdressers and their spouses.


http://www.tri-ess.org/

***

Katie, those little SNAP windows after the links are just awsome.

Hello again Marmar,

Enjoyed our chat the other night and I hope you got something out of it. I think your boyfriend is extremely lucky to have someone who is so understanding and supportive with regard to what he's trying to come to terms with. It won't go away, and in all probabilty it will intesify until he accepts it and comes to terms with being transgendered.

I personally think he should be encouraged to at least accept that this is a part of him and that there is nothing wrong with it. How far down the road his dressing will take him, even he probably doesn't know yet and it may change as he gets older. I can certainly testify to the fact that the urge to make a complete transition increases with age. Some go through with it, others choose not to or are unable to and have to live with that which can be very difficult, as is going through transition. I think you should be aware of the possible outcomes if you are choosing to support your boyfriend through this.

There are a lot of positive benefits for you both in this not least of which is a strengthend relationship. Of course, you also get to see another side of him which is fun and different from what everyone else sees and you can have enormous fun in shopping trips and girly nights out.

I hope you keep us posted of your progress.


Nikki


PS - On another note, I have had a failed marriage caused in part through my transgenderism, and have a very strong marriage because of it, the details are too personal for a public forum but I would be happy to discuss them in private.

Hi Marmar

Well done for being so committed to your boyfriend and accepting him as he is. It sounds as though he doesn't realise just how open you are to his needs.

As others have said, transgenderism is for life. Many of us go through times when we hate what we are and get rid of all our girly stuff - only to start again later. Part of the problem for us is the fear of not being accepted by the significant others in our lives. So if you can provide some reassurance to your boyfriend, I'm sure that will help.

I recently came out to two of my friends independently. Both of them were completely accepting. They told me they loved me for the person I was, and the crossdressing was just an added dimension. Both have offered to help with makeup and go out shopping with me. It helped that in both cases I'd already established a relationship with them. From what you say, it sounds like you may be taking the same approach with your boyfriend anyway.

And finally - welcome to Trannyweb, one of the best sites on the internet! We look forward to getting to know you better.

Hello again Marmar,

We can all relate to the stress anguish of 'living a lie' or hiding our true selves. Yes, it would be great to just be who we are but the reality of mainstream society is that they just aren't ready to accept us yet. I honestly believe that will change in time but it will be too late for me.

So, a lot of us have to live with a compromise, only being who we are at home, or out with our TG friends and admirers. Those who go through transition don't have it any easier either as I'm sure they will tell you. It's a difficult life for us at times but I for one love it and am very happy with who I am.

Life is full of compromises anyway, they shouldn't be looked on as only negative as a lot of good can come from them. We all have to find our own way of dealing with the emotions of being TG, and the best thing for us to do is to embrace those feelings rather than push them deep inside, they'll only surface again at a later date.

I'm happy that things seem to be working out for you both. I hope it continues to do so.

I wish to God/Buddha/Krishna I had someone like you when this all started for me. I have spent the last day crying my eyes out.

We're glad you are here.

Hi Marmar and welcome to TW .
I can identify with what your bf is trying to do "purge" I spent 25 yeary tying to deny who i really was and kept my feelings and dressing secret. I also thought it was due to the lack of female company for quite a few years but realised eventually that it would never go away and trying to make it do so was making me a miserable person. The only advise i can give you is to keep on supporting him as you are and let him take things at his own pace, once he realises this won't just dissapear and that there is nothing wrong with him he will accept it and with the help and understanding you are giving him that will be much sooner than if he was dealing with on his own. Marmar you are one in a millon hun their are not that many SO's that would take the trouble to find a site like TW, to learn about trans gender and get involved in the comunity so that they could help thier bf.Go Girl

I am sure you will find lots of help and support for both of you here as all the girls on TW are fantastic and have helped me so much in such a short time you would not believe.

Hugs Paula x

Marmar, now that I am finally home for a change, I will write to you like I said I would.

Right now it might be a good idea to leave things alone for a moment and let him come to you about it. I know you're searching for answers yourself. It almost appears to me that he is entering a self-loathing stage, hating himself for what he is, and hating himself for revealing it. Right now a lot of patience is needed. It's easier said than done, I realize.

Mere

Marmar,

Sometimes I recommend to t girls that their SO needs to talk with someone, a counselor/therapist to work through their issues. In this case, it seems your bf is the one who could benefit from therapy. A therapist doesn't "cure" you, they coach you and teach you skills to learn to deal with your issues. This is a difficult issue and he is fighting a lifetime of societal programming that is based on fallacious premises. Society is wrong, not him. If he can't accept this, however, he can't accept himself. There is no requirement that you change and go against your feelings in a relationship. It's wonderful that you accept the behavior in a person, but you aren't required to accept it in a relationship. That would be the same as your requiring him to not be TG. He, on the other hand, has to live with this for a lifetime and, clearly, he's not dealinig with it well....certainly not with you.

I invite him to come here and talk to many of us to see he has a lot of possibilities. He can't change what he is, just how he lives with it. Many of us waited decades to accept what we were and regret it deeply. If he is to live with this he must accept himself first. If he doesn't it won't matter what everyone else thinks. By coming here and getting to know and be accepted by others, in a safe environment, that task will be easier. I saved myself months or years of therapy being here at TW. Knowing you are one of millions, instead of being the only one, is a big help.

It's impossible to know who we are when we have hidden from ourselves. Most TGs are heterosexual crossdressers, by a wide margin. Their identity is male even when en femme. The spectrum goes all the way to TS who have always known they were women and are indistinguishable from a woman, except by their anatomy. Nobody can predict who your bf is inside...who he will become. We can only tell you it won't get easier for him to deny. It's not YOUR responsibility to solve his problems with his inner self. You have to deal with how you feel about his problem, and why. You can't be there for him unless you are there for yourself first. You don't have the training to solve his problems. All you can provide is acceptance...something that is not a small thing at all. His comfort level with himself has to change. For many of us TW was the catalyst for that change. We can't change what we are, only learn to find out who we are and accept ourselves. The most important thing to accept is that you are TG and always will be TG and have to learn to deal with it.

Hi Dawn, and welcome aboard!

You said it. How nice to just be yourself with no secrets and no hang ups. There are many different kind of people here so please don't try to categorise yourself, instead just be you and be happy with who you are. Obviously you and Marmar have a great relationship and you are very lucky to have someone like that so don't let her go!

The girls here will be happy to just chat with you and answer any questions or discuss anything with you if that's what you want. They'll be equally at home just chatting about last nights game or TV program as well though, we're all just normal girls after all.

It sounds like you know who you are and you're happy with it so congratulations! It took me years of denial to reach that conclusion. lol

Hope to chat with you sometime.

Nikki