This is my first post on here. It's not really a post that I wanted to make but I'm feeling kind of cut up at the moment and so decided to seek out other SOs of TVs to ask for help and advice. A few months ago, about 6 months into our relationship, my boyfriend revealed to me that he's a transvestite and has been so for several years. I'm the only person (with the exception of some online friends that he's made) who he's ever told about this... and certainly the only person who knows him as a man, not a TV. I know that he's still the same man as I fell in love with, the same person, and I love him with all my heart, but just something is cutting me up a bit inside, and I don't want to upset him by bringing it up.

I know that he loves and trusts me, but I do think that he felt pressured into telling me the truth after I accidentally found a folder full of pictures of TVs on his computer. I had asked him if I could email myself a few pictures of the two of us to my email address and he'd said yes - he was in the room - however when I went into the 'attach file application' on email the screen which popped up was full of pictures of TVs. At first I didn't realise what it was and so scrolled down the page thinking that I'd find the photos of us further down the page. Of course he saw what I was looking at and was utterly insistant that I close the window down. He then started to yell at me for 'snooping'. It had been an accident and I hadn't realised why he was so upset... it escalated into a row but eventually we moved on and it was forgotten about. A week later however, he revealed to me that he was a TV. At first I think that I was in shock. The logical part of me was saying that it was the same person as always, the one that I'd fallen in love with and so I went out of the way to let him know that I still loved him and cared and that it didn't matter to me. I even went on a shopping trip with him where he picked up an outfit to wear and was really insistant that he was open about it with me. A week or so later however I started to feel a bit worried and pushed out - I discovered that he'd been keeping certain items of clothing in the wardrobe, had a whole TV persona and had been wearing my clothes whilst I was out of the country. I also discovered that he was a member on a website for TVs and had set up an MSN account specifically to talk to people from there... I know that it's not a huge thing but the fact that all these things had been going on behind my back really stung. I was grateful that he was finally being honest with me, but it hurt knowing that he'd been keeping something so big from me.

Last month I had a mini-breakdown at his house. Suddenly all the negative thoughts that had been creeping around my head since I found out that he's a TV came bursting out and I must have cried for an hour in his arms. I felt terrible about the fact that my crying made him so upset too, and felt horrible when I told him that I'm too young (still in my teens) for this and that I never expected to have to deal with something like this... he was so good about it, but what worries me is that he said that because it upsets me he'll stop. I know that he hasn't. He's just regressed 'back into the closet' around me so to speak. I know that he's only trying to do what he thinks is best because I was so upset, but the fact that I know for a fact that he's still visiting these websites (I was looking for a webpage that I'd accessed several days earlier in the browser history. I found a list of these websites. I asked him about it - after he dragged it out of me - and he went ballistic at me) and been dressing up (I found a dress that I'd been leaving at his house in case we decided to go on a night out in the laundry basket, as well as womens' underwear) just makes it worse. I love hiim so much, I can really see a future with him... but the fact that little things like this keep cropping up and he keeps denying them means that there's a little niggle of mistrust in my mind. I know that he's trying to protect me, but the fact that I know that he's keeping things from me just hurts. I've tried to be tactful and ask him gently whether or not he's still engaging in TV activities but I get accused of snooping if I do, and I honestly don't want to hurt his feelings or push him away from me. I just want to know exactly where everything stands. I have no doubt that he still wants to be with me, but that's not enough. I want to be with him and feel that he can confide in me.

This is probably all my fault for getting so upset about the whole thing, but I need to get us back to a place where he isn't hiding things from me.

Any help/advice would be welcome.

Well, Alicea, first of all, he hasn't been like this for several years, he's been like this all his life. It is a part of his overall identity, the person you love, and any attempt to suppress it will make him and, ultimately, you miserable.

It's not easy for a TV to be comfortable sharing this aspect of themselves with loved ones. He is every bit as scared and confused as you are. If you just work together, you will both eventually become more comfortable with this whole thing.

There is one really great thing about all this, which is that by sticking with him and encouraging him to express his identity, you both gain access to a wonderful and diverse community of some of the most loving and supportive people you will ever know.

You certainly posted your concern in the right forum. Here at TW, we have numerous SO's who participate regularly in the chat room and the forums, and support one another as well as their spouses. In time, you'll both learn that there is nothing "wrong" with being transgender. We are, in fact, pretty ordinary people.

Stick around here at TW, and learn about us. Perhaps your SO will learn more, as well. This is a great resource for information and support, and we have quite a lot of fun here also. Welcome to Trannyweb, Alicea. We hope you'll like it here as much as we do.

Alicea,

Firstly, can I welcome you to Trannyweb

From what you've said, I can tell that your reasons for being her are pretty much like my own were.
It's a daunting situation to find yourself in, & you'll probably feel isolated with no-one to talk to about your own fears, since, let's face it, you'll have anxieties that you can't share with your other half (my friends were disgusted at first when I told them & I felt so alone).

Well, I can reassure you that TW is definitely the best place to learn more & get answers to questions, either by asking directly or simply by reading other posts & threads

My partner's revelation was voluntary at the beginning of our relationship & I can fully understand your SO's reaction, since he quite simply probably either didn't feel ready to share this with you or, possibly felt ashamed about it. Nevertheless, as a GG, my own personal attitude to this unfortunate timing & the fact that, (as has already been noted) you didn't run a mile, is that this is probably for the best.

I'm sure some of the other girls on here will admit that, the longer it stays hidden from a partner, the harder it will be to bring it into the open.

I can fully understand your feeling upset by his reverting to hiding things- Abigail did this as well & it led to arguments & resentment for us. The key for you both is simple- COMMUNICATION & HONESTY
What we GGs find hard to understand is, that they still feel the need to hide this part of themselves once they've come out into the open- I didn't understand it either, but it's simply that they've had to spend so much of their lives, usually from an early age, hiding & feeling ashamed at the "dirty secret", that to change this behaviour overnight is a very daunting prospect & they constantly fear ridicule- Abi & I have been through that too!

Feel free to ask anything on these forums- everyone her is so lovely & friendly

Take care & keep in touch.

Gillian

XX

Hi Alicea,
The first two responses from Robyn and Nikki really said things well. There are so many misconceptions of what transgenderism is all about. By far we are regular people with what many would call a feminine side. The problem is society has frowned on males expressing that side of themselves so much that most transgendered find themselves hiding this side of themselves. All this does is cause stress on the transgendered and a perception of lieing or cheating for the partner. I encourage you to continue your understanding of what transgenderism is really about. Chances are you will find your partner more understanding of your emotions and a very loving individual. Please give your boyfriend a chance.

Thank you so much to everybody for your responses. I'm sorry that it's taken me a little longer than I would have liked to reply but I was thinking about what everybody has said... and (a bit shamefully might I add) I haven't quite yet worked out how to reply to topics! I hope that how I've done it now might have worked, but I have the feeling that I might have ended up quoting Rachel instead

Well, firstly, a few people have asked if my boyfriend is a member of TW. Not as far as I am aware. I found this place by googling. And well, I know that he's a member of other TV websites and so in a way it's nice for me to have somewhere to come and talk about things away from the conversations that I have with him. I would prefer if he didn't know that I post on here as in a way I feel like if he did so it might make him feel a bit self-conscious, and I would rather talk about the situation without him having it rammed down his throat.

Well last night we had a very positive conversation. I brought up the fact that I hadn't seen his, well I don't really know how to describe it - 'feminine identity' perhaps - for a while and asked if he was okay, and if she was okay. I think that he was a bit bemused by this, but then I went on to explain that I had noticed how, since my little crying session last month, I haven't heard anything more about his 'feminine identity' (let's call her Ruth) and asked why. I told him that I know that he loves me and cares about me and doesn't want to hurt me, but that I was concerned that he may be suppressing a part of himself due to my reaction last month. We talked for a very long time about it. He explained to me that he isn't at all sure that he really is TV because, until a few weeks ago, it was all very risque for him to dress up, however since he told me and I basically let him get on with it it's lost it's appeal in a way. From what he said it seems like he doesn't want to have it as a 'lifestyle choice' (his own words) but likes to dress up every now and again for a thrill. I've reassured him that that's fine with me, but that if 'Ruth' does want to come out and visit again then to please tell me as I'd like to meet her properly. After the conversation my mind feels more at ease, because we've had a real heart to heart more than anything, and he seemed really happy about the conversation too. Hopefully the fact that I've made it clear that I love him no matter what and I would actually like to get to know his feminine identity has made him feel at ease and he'll find it easier to bring these things up in future if he ever wants to.

Following on from that conversation we had a wonderful conversation about our future. I know that I'm only young - he's slightly older than me - but I really do love this wonderful man so very much, and all I want is for him to be happy and content. And for me to be a part of that.

Alecia,
I can only speak for myself but I think it applies to many here at TW. I believe in the early stages of "dressing" we ourselves are trying to figure out why we do it and because society has mislabeld this a sexual thing and we were brought up with these same beliefs, we tend to lean towards the "risque" attire early on. As we come to understand our situation more and become comfortable with our feminine side, our efforts tend to go towards just being one of the girls, what we call "passing." It is a mixed bag though, on one hand we are comfortable and relaxed, and on the other we fear being found out. Your boyfriend may right now see this as an escape, a little personal time that he is not ready to share. I don't think you need to overwhelm him with acceptance at this point, but simple occassional reassurances that you will always be there for him will make a huge difference. Maybe simple comments like "how are your friends online doing?" or "I'm going to the store I need some makeup, do you need anything?" It's funny how we ask society to accept us, yet we have a side of us that wants to keep hiding. Take it easy, things won't change overnight. Good luck, it sounds like your a wonderful person.

We each have our own form of gender identity expression, and it changes and evolves over time, especially when we are able to overcome the isolation in which so many transgender people spend so much of their lives. As you both become more comfortable sharing this aspect of your boyfriend's identity, you will see him develop his feminine identity further, and define a form of expression that works for both of you. Just be patient. Something tells me that you are just the sort of person who is able to do so.

Robyn is right in saying that the individual's expression of gender identity is unique.

My own experience has made me realise that I'm in a relationship with a unique & beautiful individual, who, at will takes on masculine & feminine traits (like a chameleon). It's so hard to get used to at first, but, with perseverence, you suddenly realise that you have the perfect combination- a girlfriend & boyfriend in one!

My weirdest moment was when, during one of our "girly" nights, I totally forgot who I was talking to & had a real heart to heart about**** & Abi listened & gave me advice & even criticised him! Believe me, that really screwed my mind!

Now, in our first home together, it's weird 'cause there's so much to get done & Abi doesn't come out so often- mainly 'cause there's so much to do. However, there's a new identity, one that we've struggled to give a name to- half man, half woman. I come home to find him doing housework, wearing one of my skirts, pretty satin sequin slippers, a frumpy man's "comfy" jumper & no makeup.

When I've asked him why, he's responded that it's just easy, comfy clothes- pretty much the same sort of stuff I'll slob around wearing on a weekend while doing the same stuff!

So, as I & others have said, differing degrees.

Take care,

Gillian

Hi Alicea,

Your boyfriend is as scared and confused as you are. He may still be coming to terms with his transgenderism himself, we don't usually accept it immediately and are worried what others will think and say, and will we lose loved ones over this?

You have been very understanding about this so far, and it has been a complete shock to you I'm sure. I know it was for each of my wives when I told them. The fact that you haven't gone running screaming for the door or called him all sorts of unpleasant names speaks volumes.

I think you have it in you to find a balance that you can both be happy with, many including myself have done so, but it takes both of you to make it work, which means openess and honesty and no more running around behind your back.

I hope you manage to find a solution that works for you. There is a lot of advise and forums on the subject here so it will help you to read through them and at least know your situation isn't unique.t You're not alone.

Good luck Alicea,

Nikki

Hi Alicea,
I’m glad Gillian has replied (and so wonderfully) because it might seem like replies from just trannies are biased and one-sided.
Without doubt your boyfriend is scared about this. Perhaps the scariest thing for any TG person in the closet is being accidentally discovered. If he displayed any anger towards you finding out, I can assure you that he’s not really angry with you, he’s scared. The anger is just a defence mechanism when there is no other obvious way to react. Like you, I’m sure all S/O’s wish their partner could be open and honest about everything in that sort of situation, but the fear is crippling, and may make some of us act strangely, and out of character.
As has been said, trying to suppress this side of his nature will not work for either of you, it's virtually impossible for him to do that – it’s just a part of him, but because he loves you he will try and hide it from you so as not to upset you. Which ain't gonna work, because the hiding things is just as upsetting.
Ideally you need to try to accept this side of him, and that it doesn’t make him any less of a person, or mean that he loves you any less. Then you must encourage him to be open and honest about it, assure him that there is no need to be secretive about his dressing. You don’t have to pretend that it’s easy for you, but it’s the only way you are likely to work things through and stay together. If there are lines you are not ready to cross then be clear; certain “rules” will be a lot easier for him to abide by rather than trying to persuade him not to dress at all. If you don’t like him wearing your clothes for example, then that could be a rule. If he has your blessing to be able to express his true self then I’m sure he will respect those sort of stipulations.
Don’t be hurt that he’s kept things from you, it’s a fairly terrifying secret to have, but now that you know the truth there should be no need for any more secrets, so you have to encourage him not to try and hide things.
I admire you for coming here Alicea and doing your best to deal with this sensibly and rationally, the world needs more teenagers like you!
Best of luck to you both, you will find lots of support and friendly advice on this site.
xx

Wow, Keli, first time I've ever had a post pre-reviewed, lol.

Alecia, there are three things that seem to be stereotypical of the situation you find yourself in.

1. Your heterosexual crossdressing boyfriend (I'm guessing, but most TGs are heterosexual males) is not going to stop being TG, ever, and is unlikely to be able to stop dressing en femme for any length of time. To even try is usually very bad for the TG and can crate a lot of negative psychological problems.

2. His biggest issue is likely to be embarrassment at the threat to his masculinity of his crossdressing being known to another person he actually has contact with.

3. Your biggest issue is likely to be with having been "lied" to. Know that it happens because of both intense fear and love for you.

If you two can learn to deal with these issues, you can have a wonderful relationship. Having a boyfriend who can also be a girl friend is a very emotionally satisfying relationship for many SOs. Women have asked my SO if she rents me out when seeing us shopping together because we have FUN. Having my SO bring me jewelry and clothing gives me a wonderful sense of acceptance and has given me a much wider wardrobe. We have even bought matching articles of clothing and share things with each other. I send her subscriptions to clothing catalogs and she brings me fashion magazines. We have plans to see a chick flick together next month.

Telling her was the scariest thing I ever did in my life. I don't know how I would have dealt with her finding out years ago. Knowing how I used to be, I probably would have gotten angry.

I can't recommend MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS (and Lucy is from a planet in between) is a great book. I can't recommend it enough if you want to understand how to support your SO emotionally. It will let you learn how while not being hurt by what is happening.

This can be a wonderful thing for both of you. It's going to take a lot of knowledge, work, support and trust from both of you. Good luck.

I usualy stay out of these threads because I'm not in a relationship.
The one girl that did know thought it was only about sex & she was all for that.
I like the way you say you had a talk with him & let him know you except him as is.
I would have liked to have met a person like yourself at some point in my life.
Keeping this site to yourself sounds like a good idea. A place where you can talk with out fear of what you wish to say.

Good luck!!!

I'm so glad to hear this Alicea, and being TG isn't always about a change of lifestyle, although some do go 'all the way', others are content with a little cross dressing now and then. We are all different in how we are affected by being transgendered.

You sound very understanding and it seems that more and more people are seeing nothing wrong with this kind of life that we lead, which can only be a positive thing for everbody it concerns, wives, girlfriends and families included. Once the stigma and discrimination that forces us to remain in the closet is removed, it can only strengthen relationships since there will be no more need to keep secrets from our partners for fear of losing them.

It seems to me that you two have a great thing going, so don't be suprised if this actually makes your relationship much stronger. Best wishes to you both.

Nikki