I've never had any sort of coming-out plan. I've got a goal in mind and am sort of taking things as they come. I'm also, by most standards, going pretty slowly. No plan and a slow transition are very much in keeping with my personality. I pretty much adapt as I need. Until now, there really haven't been any major adaptations or challenges. Now, however, the perception of who I am is changing in ways and at a rate that I didn't count on. Perhaps I should have.

I think that my coming out, other than being slow by most standards, has been pretty normal. Oh, I dressed as long as I can remember -- early childhood memories of innocent dressing evolving to a mild confusion fermented by puberty into a teen's awareness of shame and self-loathing. I did everything to be 'normal' I lived in the closet, unable to resist the urges and despising myself after if I acted on them. And acted I did, a lot. Other than this secret world I did everything that a good boy should. I was a model child, brother, student, worker, boss and finally husband.

Of course, the wheels came off the cart eventually. I waited far to long to accept myself. I was already into financial, personal and emotional ruin when I did. The suffering was too great and there was no longer benefit to the denial. I was a fraud to the world and a fraud to myself. Emotionally, I couldn't deal with the shism between who I was inside and who I was to others. I cracked and began to bring changes into my life.

So my business failed and I went bankrupt. I came out to my wife and lost her. I came out to my family and am in the process of loosing them. They were okay with the 'concept' of transition, but not comfortable enough to have me over for dinner. I came to realize it might be unending but it was clearly limited. Pieces of my world were slipping away. Eventually all of me slipped away.

Over the past three years, I have watched my body evolve with hormones at the same time that I have found my true self emotionally. I found comfort being out as Ann. I got my ears pierced. Where in the past I had done everything to hide who I really was, I found that I could relax and be me regardless what others thought. I found acceptance in a support group. The first people who understood me and were unquestioning. I found a doctor and through her a therapist. I found a psychiatrist. I found a psychiatrist. I found a psychiatrist. I finally found a doctor who recommended a psychiatrist who could actually contribute something to my wellbeing. I found emotional stability. I found self-esteem, satisfaction with myself and contentment. I found a job and then a second. And now I find surprises.

As some know, I've gone through depression and an extended period of unemployment. I can't prove what impact gender dysphoria had on my rather catastrophic business career but I do feel it was significant. At least I hope it was significant, the alternative is that I'm incompetent in business. From executive positions with staff, I am now a part-time clerk in a very tony specialty tool shop and a handyman. The tool shop hires retired executives purposefully to give the business a special image.

The job as a clerk is good. I'm enjoying it. The clients are nice, the products pretty cool and the staff really great. It seems I'm actually fitting in. Oh, there was the comment of a coworker about the 'right' ear for a guy to have an earring in. I didn't give it any thought. It can get a bit busy and consequently crowded on the staff side of the counter. Lots of reaching around each other. At first, I was just being brushed on the arm by B. Then there was a slow sweep down to the small of my back. And then a touch on the back of my leg -- you know, the spot just below the line where one's bum meets one's thigh. Yesterday, B allowed that as his wife was out of town he was going to stay around the store and have dinner before going home. I realize now that I missed my cue. "Oh." I said, finding the remark unremarkable. Later he asked if I want to join him for dinner. I declined. What am I doing to bring this on? Finally the penny dropped. I'm being sexually harassed!

Oh, and what I left out is that I'm presenting as Michael not Ann. I had impulsively asked if there were openings on a day when I was in the store to by supplies for finishing some wood boat parts. That's how I'd landed the job. Coincidentally, B. had served me. For two days a week and $10.00 an hour I thought I'd just as soon stay as Michael, thinking that if thinks worked out I'd come out to my boss later. I guess the only alternative is coming out to my boss. At least I have to put on the record that this is going on. But I wonder. Why am I getting this attention?

I've also got a handyman job. It fills in the hours -- and money gap. I've been plastering walls and will be laying a floor for a very nice woman, K. We really hit it off, chatting about the work to be done and exploring as one does -- well sometimes -- the similarities of one's life. I got the distinct impression that she was 'checking me out'. Again, I was presenting as Michael. One day, I came with new earrings. She noticed and told me of a store where I could get more. She thought the colour -- blue crystal, but small -- was a nice colour for me. The next day that I showed to complete more of the work a gay friend 'happened' to drop by. Am I seeing things that aren't there?

So, it seems, my coming out has taken on a life of its own. It seems that people now are seeing things that I hadn't yet intended them to see. What surprises me is that they are acting on their assumptions? What surprises me is my reaction -- mostly after the fact as I'm a pretty slow study in all of this. What will happen next.

Girl, I totally understand the feelings your life like being on a rollercoaster ride. Ive had similar experiences like a failed marriage, losing family and friends when i came out. The depression I understand all too well. Just remember there is a rainbow around the corner, just look for it, you will find it in the people that support and love you.