September 15, 2007 3:05 AM BST
I think this is called taking the moral high ground. Just because you have always done the decent thing and told your partners about yourself, doesn’t mean that anyone who hasn’t is a bad person.
We all have our reasons, and I think the question has already been answered, but for me, I just tried (for too long) to fit in and be normal. Ok I failed miserably but it didn’t stop me trying. I didn’t dare tell my girlfriends, because that would have meant telling the whole world thanks to this small town mentality. But also I tried to stifle my true nature because I’d been brought up to believe it was wrong. Maybe in a meaningful relationship with a girl I love I could forget about my dark secret which would surely bring shame and guilt were it ever to get out. I felt if anyone found out the truth it would destroy me, and of course any current or potential relationship. My own fear was very restrictive.
A few years without a partner helped me to take stock of my life, realise what I wanted, needed, without the complication of having someone else around, keeping secrets, living in fear of being found out. It was no way to live, and I realise now that I wasn’t really doing the right thing. But I didn’t realise that at the time, I was just trying to survive.
For me, I’ve got to a place where I am able to tell the whole world, you Susan feel comfortable enough with your gender expression to be able to tell your S/O’s about it, but we are all different, we all feel differently about ourselves, and perhaps that is the real reason – how we feel about ourselves affects how much we are able to confide in others.
Life is better without the secrets and deceit, but it doesn’t mean everyone can, or should immediately tell their partners.
Each unto their own.
xx
September 15, 2007 10:21 PM BST
Susan......everyones situation is different & they may well have their own personal reasons not to tell their partners that they are TG, but that does NOT make them wrong for doing so. I'm in the situation where my partner is TS & i've just been totally upfront with her.
We all have the right to live our lives as we see fit & no-one, specially not you, can tell us otherwise.
as for bein harsh, i think you did go OTT but then thats your opinion which you are entitled to make.
Lol xxxxxxxx
Anna-Marie
September 16, 2007 4:14 AM BST
Susan, this is such a difficult question to answer. It does in part involve the society and family you grew up in. It also involves when the information, that enabled you yourself to understand what was going on, became available. By the time you were born, I was in my 9th year of school. I grew up in a sociallly/religiously oppressive environment. We had no right to NOT pray in school every day....a Christian prayer. Children were allowed to leave academic classes to attend religious education. It was decades, half a lifetime, before I found any information that was even remotely accurate in explaining my transgenderism. Only a few years ago I still considered myself, as did society, as some kind of sick pervert. Ignorance will do that. Let's just say it was an ignorant, judgemental world. A world where pregnant girls lives were destroyed. Often they were sent away to live thier pregnancy with a distant relative and give the baby up for adoption....carrying their secret like we carried ours. This may explain the reactions you are getting to your judgemental post. It is not that I disagree that it is best to tell one's love before marriage. It's just easier to say than do in most cases. Once one has a clear understanding, I would agree with a lot of what you say when one enters a new relationship...a new one. I told my SO as our relationship was warming up again and after I understood. It was a decision made with the clear understanding that my honesty could cost me the relationship, or at least part of it. I was willing to accept that rather than deny who I was any longer. My fears were for myself. My concerns were for her. At 57 I was sharing the secret I had kept all my life. I was, in fact, changing my life dramatically. This is not an easy road to walk I was fortunate in finding out that I had friends who were gay and lesbian. It gave me a chance to realize how ignorant my views were on this issue. By the time I realized who I was I had worked through my guilt and was much more open-minded, making self-acceptance faster and smoother. My changeover was realatively easy, compared to most, and it was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done. Much scarier than mortal combat. I can't imagine what it is like for others.
I have believed and done a lot of things in my life that I later regretted or disagreed with. I won't judge you on your statements. I'd probably have been a lot harsher 30 yrs ago. It's not all that long since I was harsh in judging myself. These days I find that being judgemental comes harder and harder. I know you are thinking of the partner's needs, and this is half of making the decision to share....but only half.
September 16, 2007 12:17 PM BST
It would be great if everybody was able to confide in their loved one, but each girls situation is different and only they are in a position to best judge it.
Perhaps one day in the not too distant future, admitting to being TG will as easy as confessing that you like football, or rock music or that you're actually left handed!! But until then, we have to progress at whatever rate we believe is correct, regardless of someone elses judgement.
One other thing, for what it's worth, my wife knew before we married, but not to what extent. But then neither did I. My feelings changed and grew stronger, as is quite commonplace, and I simply stopped denying my true nature. When I told her I was a crossdresser, I thought it was true at the time, only a couple of years later did I realise I was transsexual.
Nikki
September 19, 2007 1:25 PM BST
Anne and Susan, again, if you can find a "one size fits all" way to handle this situation please let us know.
You need to remember that it is not always a case of deliberate deception. What worked for you would not work for me. There are numerous considerations in each case that need to be addressed. We aren't all blessed to have someone like your wife.
September 19, 2007 8:28 PM BST
I am not a TV or CD and maybe I don't know enough to comment on that situation very well... But I would like to think that leaving out important parts of yourself or your life that might affect a relationship is not a very good thing to do.
Getting married and not telling you have children from a previous marriage, not telling that you can't have children, not telling you took a mortgage on the house to cover gambling debts...
Keeping important things from a significant other doesn't fall under sharing and trusting which I think are two of the most important parts of a relationship.
If someone would keep important parts of themselves from me and I would find out by accident at a later stage, I would feel terribly hurt and feel that the basis of the relationship, trust, was no longer there...
September 19, 2007 9:57 PM BST
Fear does keep us from talking. But Koala's right. You can't have a real relationship by hiding who you are. Secrets & lies only make life harder & it's allready hard enough.
September 20, 2007 8:40 AM BST
Family obligations have not prevented me from my expression of gender however, it has prevented me from being full time. You can't have it all and I don't have it in me to turn my back on those obligations.
In an ideal world of course, you would tell your partner. However,if you think you want to transition then it is unfair to them to think that they have a future with you as man and wife. How would we feel if it was the other way around?
That said, sometimes you don't know that you want to transition when you started the relationship so as Meredith said, there is no 'one size fits all'
If you are only cross dressing, then I do feel that you should not be hiding anything from your partner. Any relationship has to be based on trust after all, no secrets. However, it is not my place to pass judgement on someone elses situation, they are in a better position than me to decide what is best.
There! That should take the heat off of Robyn!
Nikki
