It doesn't seem as though the SO boards are very popular or busy, but I'm having a desperately hard time finding resources for wives/SO of a TV. Let me start by saying my research into the entire world of crossdressing is fairly new, so forgive me if I get some things wrong. Alas, my fiance isn't much help himself as he is only coming to terms with who he is as well.

A little over a month ago, I found some e-mails my finace had sent to men online. In them he described his desire to wear panties and bras and anything feminine. Some of the e-mails were sexually suggestive and that upset me more than the subject matter itself (I wasn't as concerned about him wearing skirts as I was concerned he planned to cheat on me, if that makes sense). I confronted him and he played the whole thing off as a joke, or him investigating something he found interesting but never intended to partake in. Right off the bat, I didn't believe him, but didn't want to push either of us out of our comfort zones.

A few more weeks passed and I tried everything i could think of to get him to open up to me. He still just looked at me like I was crazy and shook his head and said things like "For a week I e-mailed a couple of guys about something I've never done or intended to do and you're acting like I'm not the same person you knew me to be." However, I knew that in the e-mails I found he'd spoken with such familiarity that it couldn't be a new thing. So, I betrayed his privacy and went into an old e-mail account of his. Sure enough there were months and months worth of e-mail discussions about his desire to be a woman.

We promptly entered couples therapy where he continued to insist to both the therapist and me that he was simply playing around with something he found sexually arousing. I kept thinking maybe he just needed permission to be himself, so a couple weeks ago I told him I wanted him to put on my underwear and a small, frilly pink skirt. He acted totally bored with the whole thing, but complied. A few days later we discussed it and he said it didn't do anything for him. I felt satisfied with that, and we moved on....

Until last night. Last night I waited until we were both in a comfortable place and then began asking him questions in ways where he couldn't give vague answers. Towards the end of the conversation I said "On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being you will die if you can't live as a woman, 1 being you find the whole thing totally unappealing, where do you fall?" His response was in public he felt about a 6 1/2 at home, an 8. Whew.

So, with that response, I'm feeling fairly certain that my fiance does indeed want to be a crossdresser. He still professes his love for me and says he doesn't desire men. He identifies himself as completely straight in his head (well, 98% - again with the quantifying. lol). We didn't discuss it any further last night. I'm emotionally broken down because I feel like I've been on such a rollercoaster ride the past month and a half. I want him to be comfortable being himself and I want to be comfortable with who he is...but I don't even know where to proceed from here.

He still won't take initiative on any of this. He says he can't be a woman just for himself, he has to be "made" into someone's girl.

What do I do?! Any pointers, advice or personal stories you have to share would be much appreciated. I've spent a lot of time reading these forums and feel like I've gained some insight, but still don't know how to proceed.

Thank you for reading all this!

Lindsey
If I understand you correctly, you're in a bad place. I'm sorry to read that; it's something you don't need at your age. You feel threatened - that's easy to understand.
From what you relate you paint a picture of your fiance as very confused and in denial. I'm no expert on giving advice but I am an observer of the human condition. I'll relate my thoughts - please remember this is just my observations.
Your fiance is trying to make himself the "victim." From what you write he seems to be wanting to be manipulated or controlled. Could be a "mommy" complex. You state that you went to couples therapy- since he was telling you nothing was going on, he would have lost face to change his story with you present in the session.
The spectrum between being male and being female is so varied and complex that you can't begin to have an understanding of what's going on until he become truthful with himself and with you.
If you want to save your relationship, perhaps you could suggest that he go to a therapist by himself.
hugs
Gracie

Hi Lindsey,
You and your fiance are at a critical point in your relationship.......you don`t actually say in your post how long you have been together.But I think it`s great that when you found out about his big secret you did`nt run away from it.....a lot of women would have!!The main reason I denied it at first, when my wife found out about me was because I was terrified of losing her.The secret is to be totally honest with each other and communicate no matter how much it hurts.I have been living full time as female for 2 months now,my wife and I are still together and are very much in love.I`m not saying it`s been easy and there has been a lot of soul searching over the last 12 months...but now we are stronger than ever!!! My life story is in my blog,you are most welcome to read it ,I don`t know it might help.You can also MP me anytime.All I want to say is that there is hope and you may come out the other side a stronger couple
Hugs and kisses
Michelle xx

Hi Lindsey,
My name is Pam and I'm married to a cross dresser. We have a great life and a great relationship. One thing I would ask that you remember - just because your fiance is " into" crossdressing doesn't make him gay or less interested in you. It's just a desire that he wishes to fulfill and hopefully if you're of the same frame of mind, you can enjoy it with him. You've come to the right place for support and advice. You should have your husband stop by here as well, it's a great place. I'd love to chat sometime as I'm sure you might like some support from a fellow significant other. It's an adjustment but it's an alternative lifestyle that is very rewarding. Don't be shy, there's always an answer or an opinion for a question!!! Good luck and I hope to hear from you soon!!! :

Hey Lyndsey,

First off, on behalf of your fiance (and all of us who have been in his shoes) thanks for hanging in there. If it's any consolation, it is entirely possible for someone to be into crossdressing and still be very hetero. As far as the e-mails are concerned, it could very well be a case of his playing out his feminine side, with absolutely no intention of following through (take it from a father of 5 who's been married for 15 years).

I grew up without the beneift of the internet, where you can find entire communities of like-minded people. My forrays into crossdressing were limited to raiding my sister's closet when no one else was home. I felt extremely isolated,. You have to keep in mind that society in general looks down on this sort of activity , we're fags, perverts and freaks. He may play it off like it's no big deal or it was just something he played around with but he's done with it now, but he's embarrassed. Because of society's norms, I couldn't accept myself for what I was, so how could I expect anyone else to accept me for who I am? Even if you reassure him that's it's no big deal. I know you're hurting, but just think about how alone he must feel.

Be prepared for this to be a part of his life, that it's not just gonna go away. Search your heart and find out if you can live with this. In my case, I've lived alone with my secret for over twenty years before anyone (my wife) found out, that was over four years ago. To this day, I'm still not 100% comfortable talking about it with her. This may take time. Please resist the urge to corner him where he "can't give vague answers" (never corner a frightened man). Assure him that you love him and that you understand that crossdressing may be a part of who he is, but it does not define who he is. Hopefully you can both move on, without secrets, making your relationship even stronger in the end.

Peace,
Paula

Hi Lindsay. Not sure if I can really add anything to the other answers; but, hey, here goes anyway.

I'd been with my partner for 20 years when I found out that he was a cross-dresser. Although it was a shock at first I want to say that it has been a very positive experience getting to know this new side to someone who I love very much. I can say wholeheartedly that a year on our relationship is stronger, closer, more fun and more honest than ever before; and if I could swap him (or her) for a 'regular guy' I wouldn't even consider it.

During our time together we've had periods when I've known that something wasn't going right with him, but I'd never worked out what. I had considered that he might be gay, but that didn't seem right either. After nearly breaking up at one point we had couples counselling, when he totally failed to mention anything about this other side of his life. When I first found out the truth I was very bitter about this, feeling that he'd been deliberately shutting me out; and resenting the fact that he had been less open and honest with me than I had with him. I also realised that he'd done a lot of things in the past that I found upsetting, including having relationships with men.

A year down the line I have a rather different perspective on this. I understand that the reason he was not open with me at the time is that he wasn't ready to be open with himself. He couldn't tell me who or what he felt he was because he was too confused himself. I also understand that he went through a phase of sexual experimentation (without me) because he was trying to work out a 'best fit' picture of who he was, and that he absolutely had to work this out before he could move forward. It's almost as if his female side had an extended adolescence, before reaching a level of maturity and self-acceptance.

It's difficult to tell from your photo quite how old you guys are, but you're certainly a lot younger than us. My OH was 48 before he was sufficiently secure in his personal identity to tell me about it. I'm sad that this didn't happen earlier, but I don't blame him for it. I do hope that you two manage to find a way to work through things together. Rest assured that lots of trannies have good, strong relationships with straight women. But I'd say be prepared for him to be confused, upset, in denial, and have a need to try on various roles before things settle down. It might take patience, strength and understanding from you. For me, it has been well worth the wait and I do sincerely hope that you find the same.

Lots of love, Lizzie.

Very well put Lizzie. You summed it all up quite nicely if it actually can be summed up. I think we've all been through basically the same scenario in one way or another. The time frames may be different but it's all basically the same progression for all of our "girls" so to speak. Yes even though they are our husbands they are also most definitely our girls. I love my husband with all my heart and love Patsy as well.
We always kind of joke around and say what a pity it is that everyone doesn't have it as great as we do but you know, we get to thinking about it and it's really no joke. If the general public were more accepting of people for who they really truly were and embraced one another for their differences and open mindedness instead of turning their backs on them - what a wonderful world we would live in huh?! But there I go dreaming again...lol
I am serious when I do say that our relationship is much better than any of our friends relationships. We're closer than most and we share a bond I believe very few share. In that we are very fortunate - just as all of you on here!
Take care!!!

Lindsey, you're definetly in the best place for help & advice, so like i said in chat if there's anything at all you need to ask then by all means go ahead......its what we're here for & you'll probably get offers of help comin from all of TW.



Lol XXXXXXXXXX
Anna-Marie

Lindsey, from the outset you asked how strong his desires were, which is the right thing to do, as you both need to be totally honest with each other with this. The first thing to understand is where on he TG spectrum does he fall? Is he an occasional crossdresser who is content with his male side, or is the urge to become a woman overpowering, i.e. is he transsexual? If it is the latter, then things could be more difficult for you both as somewhere along the way you either have to compromise on how far to transition, or you have to deal with your partner changing their gender. Is that something you can or want to handle? If not, your partner should be told. Likewise, if he has such desires he should be up front completely, now.

If it is just crossdressing then as Pam said, embrace it if you can and the two of you can have a lot of fun together with this. You are obviously open minded and in a good relationship otherwise you wouldn't feel the need to seek these answers so I hope the two of you can work it out in a way that you are both happy with.

For what it's worth, I'm married to a woman who doesn't want me to fully transition, she has no desire to live with another woman, so I have had to reign myself in and accept that since I don't see a future without her in it. It hasn't stopped me having laser, electrolysis, some facial surgery and more or less living full time though. It's just a very androgenous person I usually present as instead. It works for us.

Nikki