NEWBIE KLAXON, PLEASE BEAR WITH ME!

Ok, before I get into the detail of my thread I should probably give you a bit of background about me in order to set the right context. I’m a newbie here so this is a bit of an introduction/shot at drawing on girly experience out there in Trannyweb-land. So here goes. About me:

I’m in my early 30s. Was deeply conflicted about my sexuality when younger and went out with a girl for several years. Eventually broke up with her cos I’m Gay and and came out of the closet late in life at 27. Managed to stay friends with her too which was great, all things considered.

I’d flirted with dressing since around the same time I realised I fancied men, around mid-teens. But there wasn’t much outlet for either growing up where I did. So during my relationship with my ex I had a lot of opportunity for dressing in private using her clothes. Clearly far from ideal!

Anyway, shortly before we broke up I plucked up the courage to go out dressed around the block. Got horrendous looks from a couple of passers-by; obviously failing miserably to pass. Eventually courage took me to the Way Out club in east London and I had an exhilarating experience in DRAG out for the first time. That was late 2004. But it wasn’t what I expected, and although it was friendly and hospitable, I was alone and it didn’t feel quite right. I was hit on a lot, but left after a couple of hours (the guys were grim).

After breaking up with the ex I hit the Gay scene hard, seeking out Gay friends and integrating it into my life. Coming out, meeting people, moving on. It has been a cliché of a struggle but I’m proud of myself. Still no boyfriend to speak of L but eventually I’m sure there will be. Spent a considerable amount of time doing that, and it has dominated my spare time for four years. Only once, in 2005, did I go out dressed again; to Club Wotever, which was not really my thing. Otherwise, my girly dressing experiences have been limited to occasionally getting glammed up indoors.

Lately I’ve been questioning this again though. I still fantasise about walking around outside as a woman, going out dressed etc but my earlier experience made me think it probably wouldn’t be what I expected. So I thought, I’ll join T-web and see if I can’t meet like-minded folk to understand how much this means to me. Additionally, I thought I’ll go back to the Way Out, but in DRAB, to see if I can’t meet a few people there and just generally scope it to see how I feel.

I did this last night. It was a sort of scouting mission really. Met a really nice tranny called Jasmine briefly. Because I’m quite masculine looking in DRAB, she assumed I was a tranny-chaser, and didn’t hang around too long when I revealed I was thinking about coming back in DRAG next time. I got chatting to a couple of tranny-chasers who were typically ‘straight-acting’, though I hesitate and hate to use that term. They were drunk, rude about the girls and lecherous, no huge surprise.

I guess because I’m used to the Gay scene these days, the atmosphere felt more like the straight scene than anything else. It made me want to dress again and go out, but I was a little disappointed there wasn’t more of a Gay vibe I suppose. But then I know that:

- The Tranny scene is small
- It’s by no means all Gay, and there’s a lot of straight trannys + partners out there

I know that club scenes rarely generate relationships through pulling etc but if I were to meet a guy here, it’s unlikely it’d go anywhere because he’d want me dressed all the time, no? As much as I like it when I do get dolled up, I have to be in the mood and it isn’t all that often that I am…..

…Oh, and shallow moment time, but all the men were minging too. Apart from two hotties who were each mobbed by a mini-hareem of T-girls. Lucy biatches

Ok, so apologies because that is biography overload. But here’s where I need to ask for views. Where does this leave me then? With still unanswered questions I guess. Fundamentally though, is how important is this to me? What does it mean to me? Or should I chill, and enjoy it as the bit of fun Jasmine said to me? I don’t really know how to find the answers…

For anyone in a similar situation i.e. Gay, part time T-girl, what does it mean to you and how have you moved on with it?

Anyone know where I’m coming from or have any thoughts to offer?


Lucy x

Niki,
How the heck is that you always get the first and last word from me , I think you can read my mind girl! I agree with you too! Listen , I dress any me because dressing in Mens anything is , well a throwback . I am going to act and dress a a mature lady,pure and simple .yes, going out to a club ON OCCASION is fine . Still, I unlike several of you have NO DESIRE for MEN PERIOD! I don't mind them as friends, I just don't want their parts in or on me . I am a rape survivor , I guess that's the real reason. Here , where I live we have Gay clubs and Straight clubs . I've mentioned the fact that I would Love to own and operate a place where Trans people were the featured performers and entirely staffed by trans people ! Still, this is Richmond Virginia. We would still be fighting the Revolutionary war if it weren't for Renegade people like myself !
As to the crossdressing , listen, the first thing is to be realistic .Look at "Real" women, see what they wear. you will gain acceptance faster if and when you do. Choose you're outfits carefully, buy quality ,not trendy. Now I'm not saying never to have a little spicy stuff in the closet, save that for OCCASIONAL wear. Hon, when I came out finally in 1994, I too had to learn the hard way. teenage girls have the same problems too. You watch, their make up looks awful at first , but as time goes on , most adapt .Dressing is an art form, so is make-up. take you're time and keep it real. Practice, practice and do it more! Thats all Ellen S.

Hiya Lucy,

Welcome to trannyweb. You might be interested in knowing that we often organise weekends away. It is usually to pinkpunters in milton keynes. Its a safe and relaxed atmosphere thats open to the public yet protected by bouncers. our weekends are for people who have become friends to meet up and have a bit of a social and a really good knees up. New members are always welcome to come along and get to know people they see regularily online. The beauty of pinkpunters in being a LGBT club is it can be "scene" if you want or you can spend the evening in the quiet areas sitting and chatting in good company. Theres a huge mix of individuals so theres plenty of oportunity if you fancy your chances at getting fruity with someone of your particular taste.

im not one for advise because advise isnt always relevant to everyone but i will say, the path to happiness is walked upon by those who carry out their hearts desires when that path isnt constructed with other peoples feelings.

Have fun!
Penny

Hi girls,

Thanks so much for the warm welcome to the TW world and all your advice. I think I've a lot to learn. First up though I guess I just need to relax and understand where I want to go with this, if anywhere. It's weird really, I fantasise about it a lot. I know this isn't the right forum for discussing fantasies, so I won't go into detail but it's enough to say they all involve me in the woman role.

But dressing has never been a conflict to me psychologically, not in the same way as being Gay was. That was a huge battle for me, while dressing is something I need to do from time to time...but I don't really understand that. I think I need to explore my feminine side. What can my femininity bring me? Time will tell I guess

Re there being an expectation by men on the scene that that I'll be dressed most if not all of the time. This is ok if I'm out on the scene I guess, but day to day I'm fine in drab really. That said, on my first trip to the Way Out dressed, I felt so naive and school-girl like. Letting my girly side out was exhilarating and totally confusing all at once. It does something for me though, definitely i.e. the thought of being a sexually attractive female out on the scene. Or even better a hot to trot goddess. But I'm spoilt by abundance of attractive men on the Gay scene...

Ahem, ok calm down now!

Re going to the Pink Punters, well never been to Milton Keynes, so why not. I need to meet girlfriends I think, and that sounds a good way to start.

Luce x

Well in answer to your question Lucy -

I want' to kinda say that it seems that you are pretty sure about our sexuality as of lately. You are into guys (as am I ) and thats ok. The thing that stands out me it that while you like it does not yet at this point seem to be something that is a strong motivation in your life. I mean alot of us girls here have the desire to dress full time but cannot due to circumstances and well its sad but its ok. Being a Tranny brings with it alot of heart ache! So before you consider dressing you should ask yourself if you are ready to count the cost. It's one of those things that unless you are absolutely sure should not be pursued. It is only when you in your heart ache from not being yourself that you should consider taking the next step.

I am attracted to men and in a relationship with a women and she knows everything! We had to come to an agreement and set some boundaries where we could both be comfortable. Because of course you know that when you are in a relationship its not all about yourself anymore and you then have to compromise on various issues.

I do not know if I am responding to your questions really so please just pm me or something and we can talk further and maybe I will do a better job at responding to you then.

As I said we are in the same boat except for I would give my left arm to live as a woman full time - something that meeds to be considered.

would love to chat,

Avery

Hi, Lucy!

Welcome to TrannyWeb--kick back and relax; you're among friends here.

You didn't overload your intro to us...it gave us just enough to see who you are. I like what I see--someone who is questioning how much, and what/why, and do I really want to go there.

I don't do the club scene much any more; part of it is money and frankly, part of it is that it's not my bag. That's my choice, though--as I live most of my time as a woman, I don't always want to get dressy. In fact, some nights I like to come home, get in my comfy clothes, and veg, as any genetic woman does.

I am bi--doesn't matter if it's a guy or gal to me, so long as it is pleasurable. I am currently married, however, and enjoy that. So in that respect, I'd say straight, w/partner. My SO, bless her, doesn't always get me--but so long as i follow certain agreements we have, she's okay for now. We have our moments!

The T-scene is larger than you might think. Many of us don't go out often as it is a matter of personal safety in some locales. And even when it is somewhat safe, there is alway the chance of getting read or worse--being recognized by a friend or co-worker. (Okay--one worse off than that: being hit on by a friend or co-worker that didn't recognize you at first.) Even at gay bars/clubs, t-girls are not always welcome. I've been lucky--most of the time, I'm welcome. (Maybe not always safe, but welcome.)

As I am TS, I live my days mostly as a woman. I do have certain things I have to "man up" for, but careful makeup and clothing choices allow me to continue living as a woman even on those occasions. I own little male clothing, and I don't wear it unless absolutely necessary. So getting dressed for me is a daily event, and not a big deal. But I do remember what the first few times were like, and what a rush it was. **smiles warmly at the memory**

I can't tell you what all being a t-person will mean to you. I certainly won't try to tell you if it is important to you or not. That, my dear, is for you to determine.

What I will tell you is to take some time to think things through. Being a part time cd/tv is okay, if that is what you want, and only what you want. If you want more, we have forums that may answer a lot of questions for you. Even if all you want is just what you've mentioned, we are here for you. You are part of the group here, and always welcome!

I haven't touched on all the other posts. Those who have posted prior have all had great advice and sage thoughts, and I would simply be echoing much of what they have said.

Welcome again--

Luv 'n hugs,

Dr. Mina Sakura

Hey girls,

Thanks so much for all your thoughts and the warm welcome. You’re a lovely, considerate and smart bunch of people.

I’m posting again on this thread for a reason. It was long ago I grasped the distinction between sexuality and gender identity. But I experienced an epiphany on Holiday recently. I went to see a Mayan healer who told me to “Be what you are” and that I was “Closed emotionally”. It was a powerfully profound experience, alarming in places, and she correctly identified many things difficult for me in my life. She didn’t get anything wrong in fact. My rational brain reacted with much scepticism at how she came up with what she did, but my instincts – which I trust because they are usually right – screamed the opposite. I came away deeply affected. That barely tells the extent of the experience, but you get the picture.

I said earlier that

“…Dressing is something I need to do from time to time...but I don't really understand that. I think I need to explore my feminine side. What can my femininity bring me?..”

For years I’ve not been fussed about my desire to dress in the same way as I was my sexual orientation. As I said earlier, the latter had me conflicted for years until I began coming out about 5 years ago. But only in the last couple of weeks has it dawned on me that the sliding scale of gender identity applies to me too. My own transgenderism arrives in periods where I feel more feminine emotionally (or at least experience emotions which might historically be more associated with the feminine than masculine) and this manifests itself in a desire to express that femininity, specifically a desire to dress. This may seem startlingly obvious, but up until recent weeks, I have spent all these years thinking it was just a desire to dress and who knows where it comes from…!!

I know it isn’t GID; I’ve no desire to do anything to my body surgically or to transition, live full time etc. I sometimes daydream about what having boobs would be like but that’s as far as it goes! I’m confident that expressing this side periodically is enough. That could change I guess, but for now I’m happy having understood this much.

Another poster said the answers will come. I think a big one just has.

Still though, what to do with it? I have only my sexual orientation to compare it to in terms of trying to integrate it into my life in a way I’m comfortable with. My sexuality imposes itself on my life in three ways.

1)  My own romantic life (which continues to be unexciting
2)  The nature of interaction with everyone/everything in the world being Gay brings
3)  A desire to contribute to the rights and awareness campaigns for the community to make a difference in people’s lives, whether that’s here or around the world.

Actually number three isn’t an imposition, it’s a want on my part. I feel like I could be doing much better on all counts anyway. But I digress. While the TG community is making progress in campaigns for awareness and rights, I think it lacks some of the momentum the Gay community has generated on this front (even if both are lumped together under one LGBT umbrella which I know is the source of much consternation for some in the ‘T’ part of that acronym). The point being, there is still much stigma out there. I mention this because I found I was reluctant to try shopping in my local area near to work, I guess due to concern of exposure to friends or colleagues.

That concern is a sad thing. My experience of getting over far worse fear with my sexuality teaches me that it’s far from insurmountable. I just need to know how to approach it I suppose. So I will look at other forums on here for tips!

Just briefly, while I’m on the subject of shopping, on Thursday I tried to do this. I went in to a store and asked if they did sold 16 dresses. They didn’t and the attendant smirked at me. Pah to her! Last night I did go shopping and bought an okish dress. Even simple things like that can help with the desire to express the girly side; I’m pretty masculine in DRAB etc.

One final point seeing as I’ve rambled on and on here. I wanted to touch on labels. Another poster was right to point out they can be unhelpful in isolation. I know also that they can serve to frustrate some, but I do think it’s true they can be of use to many others. Labels take away the unknown. People fear the unknown. Removal of fear through identification can help diminish the different phobias out there in the big wide, world, whether it’s trans, homo or others.

I think I need a girly night out soooooon….!!!


Luce x

Hi Lucy, welcome to TW hon. I found your story interesting actually and it connected with me on some levels. I am non-scene so don't go to Tranny clubs and the like, just regular places simply because the scene just doesn't 'fit' right with me, if that makes sense, so I can understand why you said it wasn't for you.

As far as your dressing goes, you said yourself you don't have the urge that often so I would say, 'why push it then?', you shouldn't feel you HAVE to do more. Everyone here is different, so don't worry about it. Meeting a guy on the scene when dressed, yes, I think there is an expectation form them that you would be dressed most if not all of the time. At the end of the day you should only do as much as you want, not what someone else thinks you should be doing. When the right man comes along he probably won't care how you dress anyway because it's YOU he likes, and doesn't care about what gender you are presenting.

The other thing with the guys who go to clubs, they watch too much porn and just think every tranny is gagging for sex with them!!

I think you should just relax and enjoy yourself, if you want to dress, fine, if you want to go out, great, but do it because you want to not because you feel you should.

Nikki

Keep an eye on the forums then Lucy because Penny is planning a Pink Punters night in December. Go and say hello to some of the girls and have yourself a great night out at the same time.

Nikki

Lucy, you did not overdo your biographical info. In fact it was just barely enough to give a true sense of who you are. The things you want to understand are complex and both environmental and biological. Try thinking of your genetic sex, how your body expresses that sex, your gender identity and your sexual partner preference as separate parts of YOU. They don't necessarily always match up and they don't necessarily always have to be the same from day to day. Someone with a great deal more female gender identification than you would not see attraction to men as "gay" but "heterosexual female", so you see how confusing labels can be in isolation? Give it some time, talk to a lot of people, read a lot and let it simmer. The answers will come to you. If you need to, talk to a therapist with extensive experience with GLBT folk who can help you to figure out who you are and to become comfortable with it. We're all "a bit queer" here.

Lucy,

I think you should give a lot of thought to what Cristine had to say above.

Early in my study of Brain Sex and Gender, I determined that it was much like genetics with it's genotype (what lies hidden) and phenotype (what is apparent). For example, there are Males who identify as Male but like to crossdress. and are homosexually attracted to males. There are also Males who identify as Female and dress to match their gender identity and are heterosexually attracted to males. On the surface, they appear to be the same creature, but like Viceroy and Monarch butterflies, this is a deceptive presentation. When you combine this with a lack of terminology that applies to TGs and disagreement on the meaning of the terms we use, it makes it hard to communicate these ideas. However, other than the fact that this can confuse someone trying to find their balance, it's less important than finding yourself and being comfortable and happy. The world is wrong, the rules are wrong, make up your own, with consideration for those you share your life with, never denying who or what you are and being true to yourself. That way lies "madness" or at least an unhappy existence. As is often said here, "think outside the box"