Hello significant others. At the risk of offending let me clarify - I'm referring to partners, brothers, sisters, Aunts, Uncles etc...

Have you ever felt like you were an outsider even in a community where you thought you might be accepted? Where you were sure that finally you and your family member or friend would be accepted just to find out that your family member is accepted for the most part because of their choices and desires in life but you aren't accepted for those same reasons?
Up front you get told how great it is that you are understanding and supportive but deep down you are actually resented. I'm not sure why and am fairly perplexed by this. People are people be it male, female or transgendered. We all feel love, respect, sadness, joy and so on. Most people have the same desires - to be loved, to be accepted, to be cared for and to care for someone else. Yes, I know there is more to it then that but I'm sure you get the idea.
I just don't understand sometimes why the predjudice towards the people who champion thier friends and families causes. Maybe I'm just feeling a little put out by the actions of a few but those actions still confuse - even hurt.

You all have a great evening and I apologize for being a bit on the melancholy side.

Hugsxxxx

I understand how you feel.
I'm sure that it's just paranoia on our part, but I've learnt to push those niggling doubts to the back of my mind over the years, since I'm sure (or hope) they are unfounded.

I think we'll always have these feelings in the back of our minds, but it is probably no different to the girls who are learning to fit into a GG world & constantly wonder whether they are truly accepted or just tolerated?

This is a fantastic discussion thread- even though it is an awkward subject to broach- & I think it should be discussed openly & honestly from both sides.

XX

The problem fundamentally lies with the concept that everyone must "fit in" to a group, whatever that is.
Society is obsessed with pigeonholing people & categorising us.
We are all individual beings.
There is, in society at large, an obsession with people all being easily categorised in very black & white terms. The reality is that very few of us belong to these preconceived categories & all are within the "shades of grey".

I think a lot of our insecurities about being accepted, whoever we are, are perpetuated by myths put out by the media's (mis)perception of the reality & as such are probably totally unfounded, but the seeds of doubt are ever present & eat away at us.

I don't think so much that it's about being "accepted" as it is being treated decently. I have not and never will treat someone who is different than me as a second class citizen because they don't fit it to how I choose to live my life or have the same lifestyle I do. Diversity is grand and it's what makes society so terrific. So what if I don't have a penis or didn't ever have one? Who cares if my partner does have a penis just chooses to dress? Who cares if my neighbor dresses as a dog 200 days of the year, and the other 165 days of the year he chooses to dresses as a cat? The world is full of all kinds of people from all walks of life and anyone and I do mean anyone who believes that their way of life or their lifestyle if better than someone elses is a complete and total moron. Yes, people have issues, be it gender or whatever but it doesn't give someone the right to behave poorly just because someone isn't going through those gender issues physically. What I have noticed and experienced is that very few seem to realize that the s/o's in a transgendered relationship go through quite a bit as well. Just as Nikki clearly pointed out. Some of us think we can come here and maybe just maybe talk to a few people and feel a bit "at home". A mistake I surely won't make again. There are several tg girls here that are very sweet and very kind. There are a few that seem to "loathe" the idea of a straight female in their midst. I don't understand why, probably never will but hey I guess it's one of those things.
I must say I've gained some insight to some questions I did have. On the other hand it's given me answers to questions I never thought I would ever ask and surely never would have thought of and I don't mean that in a positive light.
Try stepping away from the mirror and looking out the window. Take in the beauty of the surroundings instead of the beauty that is you. Embrace the world instead of embracing a small space and a small world. Life is much too short to live it in a mirror.

Remember ladies....

The Universe...She is a Bytch.....

Thanks for bringing this out and talking about it. I know from past experiences with a face-to-face TG group that this is a problem that happens a lot. For me, it isn't important if someone is T? or a GG. I left my presidency of that club and the club itself because of a lot of narcissistic issues that were going on. Also, don't feel alone, the necessity to pigeonhole is something I have noticed in the GLBT community as a whole. I mean just look at the so called hanky code. Something has occurred to me that might explain a few TG's responses to GG. It may stem from the way some members of the lesbian community treat TG people. I can only speak for myself but, I remember a few instances where I was treated very badly by GG because they thought I was "a man invading their space." I have seen gay and lesbian both treat bi-sexual in the same manner. For a community, the GLBT one, that really needs to come together and focus on everyone in the community it seems to be extremely fractioned. I hope that the few whom you have encountered do not color your opinion of all of us. We need to all work together toward our common goal of acceptance in society and the generation of laws to protect us and how can we do that if we are treating others with contempt. This is the same reason why it isn't GLBT it is truly GL when everything is boiled down for lobbying for rights etc.

A hug of support,

Michelle

PJ, you always show yourself to be supportive of other people in a generous and welcoming way. Just carry on doing that, and inspire by your own good example.

Other people bring their own issues, insecurities, resentments, whatever with them. Some folk have had a harder time than others, but we've all got baggage. If that gets in the way of forging positive links with someone, then I guess we just have to accept it as being part of that person and move on with that knowledge.

I think you are absolutely right to approach life in such a non-judgmental way, and I hope that I do the same. Keep living like that and we are one step, or one person, closer to a truly accepting society where everyone can be appreciated on their own terms.

All the best, Lizzie

Hello PJ,

First up, thanx for all that you are doing for TW here in the SO forum, you’re really adding something positive to it.

I was a little concerned to hear that your experiencing some bad attitudes, but then I realised that there is a lot of fighting, bickering, back stabbing and general “who’s got the best/worst deal out of being T” here at Tranny Web. TV’s post bemoaning CD’s and TS’s, CD’s bemoaning TV’s and TS’s, TS’s bemoaning TV’s CD’s and TA’s, TA’s loving us all and get moaned at for doing so!!!!!!!!! I guess that if the SO’s are feeling like they’re getting picked on too, then it probably means you’re being treated the same as everyone else here.

That doesn’t make it right of course, far from it. Quite a few girls have given up because they are fed up with the arguments. I don’t come here much now for precisely that reason, which is doubly sad because the lack of bickering is what made me join in the first place.

It does hurt, and it does confuse too. Most of the complainers expect and even demand, that society as a whole accepts them for what they are, but then they fail miserably to accept everyone else here for what they are. Double standards perhaps? Probably. Maybe it’s the lack of accepting and encouraging SO’s that make “the few” jealous and resentful. Either way it’s not right, and I’m sorry that you’re being made to feel like an outsider.

Hugs
Mandy
xxx

OMG Emma, you really pegged it. As a married TS with a wonderful SO, I have taken so much abuse. I felt the same way that it may be jealousy but didn't want to be the person to bring that up. I've found myself attacked for the craziest things because I happen to be married, such as the same sex marriage debate where I'm not suppose to have an opinion because I'm married. During my first year here when I was having dificulty at home I was being told left and right that I needed to be selfish and hell with my family. I've gone about all this different than most and the bottom line is I have my SO and I love her dearly.
Hugs,
Marsha

Going back to what PJ said in her original post…

Yes, labels have something to do with it. But I think the issue(s) goes deeper than that.

There’s this somewhat obsolete psychological term: “cognitive dissonance”. Basically it means that someone believes two mutually exclusive or contradictory things at the same time.

Your average liberal American will say something to the effect that they have no problem with gay marriage, with transsexualism, or a number of other issues related to gender and/or sexual preference. That does not mean, however, that they want their children to participate in such activities!

While their ideological side says, “that’s all good” they still have dreams, goals, expectations, or what have you that are turned on their heads when faced with certain issues. “My son, the high school football star and Marine demolitions expert, now has tits and wears a dress” is one of them.

Okay, the way I worded that sounded crass, but I did it on purpose to make a point.

And it’s not just parents who face these issues. Friends, neighbours, co-workers, doctors… Anyone who has any sort of significant relationship with an individual who ‘crosses over’ is subject to these issues, albeit from different perspectives. Consider what the cheerleader who dated the high school football star thinks whenever she finds out!

Feelings are not logical. Reactions come from feelings. Sometimes the reactions aren’t all that pleasant. Sometimes we just have to suck it up and move on.

I soooo understand and have been feeling similar feelings lately. I guess we have two choices - to give up or just keep trying to do good things for others and proving that we are good people with the same desires as the rest of the world, to find happiness and success in our relationships and responsibilities. I've been really trying to be thankful for being transgendered because of how it teaches me to be confident and how to face my fears. I have always ran away from my challenges and trials in my life. I'm learning how not to be afraid of people.

Maybe not exactly what your feeling but just being supportive. I'm so thankful that life is the struggle that it is, it makes us so much stronger and experienced.

Luvs
Erica

You'll do just fine Erica.
hugs
Gracie

My Aunt, guardian, who has cared for me since I was 14 faced comments, rhetoric and snubs, On the ''how can you condone that boys behavour, its not natural, you should put your foot down, he needs proffessional help, She got me the help and the treatment, dragging me kicking and screaming, rounds of shrinks and doctors, to basically find out who I realy was and try and understand. But all the time she was patient and supportive, Finally getting me the help I realy needed. Her real freinds are still her freinds and now mine. The christmas card list somwhat reduced now, but she never gave up, I owe her so much..
I imagine most of the adverse behavour from a comunity is based on the lack of understanding, to them supporting a TS by a spouse or imediate family is alien to them, it has'nt happened to them, so they think in the negative, wife a ''normal'' husband thinks OMG could never put up with that if it was my husband, Wonder how they would realy feel if it was their imediate family.
Not that all families accept it, as i know from personal experience. But on behalf of people like me, I would like to thank all the significant others that do support the people they love rising above the snide remarks and bigotry. I do believe the significant others don't get the support or recognition they deserve.

xxX Cristine Xxx

Great thread, and one that hits home really since my partner, while happy with who I am, is unable to communicate with anyone about her feelings regarding having a TG partner because she feels it is none of their business, which I tend to agree with. However, sometimes you do just need someone to confide in and get things off of your chest, just as TG girls do.

At the moment, she is still of the mindset that everyone is staring at us for example. I know that's normal and will pass but it would be nice for her to hear it from someone other than me I think.

As for us, struggling to fit into a GG world is one thing Gillian, but you would imagine fitting into a TG world would be easy, what a shame it isn't. Even in a TG community there are those who expect you to conform to a certain lifestyle and so on. I guess people love putting labels on others when you step outside the box, it's guaranteed to annoy some people.

Nikki