My son called me a couple of hours ago. My ex died in a major car accident on I-90 in Spokane, Wa, USA this morning, Monday, March 16, 2009. See http://www.krem.com/ for details.

My son is 19, and getting ready to go into the Army, with boot camp scheduled for May. My lovely daughter turns 17 in 3 days. What a horrible thing to have her go through on her birthday. My ex had remarried, but I am now responsible for my daughter. I don't know what's going to happen. There's so many issues to deal with...

My wife went through the same kind of thing when she was 15, with her mom dying in a very public way, so she'll be able to be a strong support for my daughter. It's very different, I am told, when your mother dies suddenly very publically at a young age. My father passed away eight years ago aftera long illness, so I can only somewhat relate. I was married 17 years to my ex, and we had a very very nasty divorce. My tears are for my kids and the family, and even for her husband. But still it's hard.

I don't know when I will be back o here again. Will take my laptop along but I doubt I'll be on it much, at least at first. I live 3 hours drive from there.

Pray for us all.

So sorry to read this Ann. Your son and daughter are going to need all the support you can give them - try and stay strong, my best wishes to you all in the coming weeks

Sandra

Huge hugs Ann. I am really sorry to hear about this tragic accident.
Love,
Marsha

Thank you all for your kind words. I really appreciate all that has been said - I've read them all, and they all brought tears to my eyes.

The accident still is a mystery, with no final word yet from the police. The mysteriousness caused a week's worth of news stories in the local media, which has added to the trauma my kids have had to go through. Everyone in the city knows about it now. Trying to keep some level of anonimity has been a challenge - the kids need the privacy to heal, otherwise the wounds just reopen again and again as people bring it up thinking it appropriate to express their condolences. But, it's better for them to choose for themselves who to be vulnerable to. That's why I've posted here where I can be vulnerable to those I know who care - thank you all for being here.

The memorial and gathering afterwards went better than I had expected. I had not seen my ex-wife's family in about a decade and things went well.

After the activities that day, we ended up as witnesses to a crash similar to the one that had killed my ex. Unfortunately the kids were there too, and it made them both further traumatized to see first hand what an accident is like. But it all worked out for the best, as the car behind me was driven by my ex's best friend's husband, who is a medic in the Army with 20 years experience, and between he and my wife, who was a nurse before she became disabled, they were able to care for the injured until fire department medics arrived about 20 minutes later. During that time I gathered witnesses and evidence to turn over to the police when they arrived 10 minutes after the accident. It was a hit and run, but I was able to get two young men who were witnesses to search nearby parking lots, where they found him and reported back to me and the police a better description - his front license plate had been ripped off in the collision and I guarded it til the police arrived, so they knew who it was. But, the guy tried to sneak out of the area, and of course he wanted a closer look at the scene. We pointed him out to the police and the guy tried to run down an officer with his truck right in front of us, and the officer dove over the truck hood to escape injury. The driver was caught and arrested on the spot.

Needless to say I've lost alot of sleep, as well as alot of weight - about 8 pounds in 2 weeks. That's what stress can do. Luckily I've been able to keep healthy by staying to the diet fairly well that my nutritionist gave me to follow. I've been on it a while, so it's habit, and that comes in handy when you have no time to think. I seem to have rebounded, though, from the extreme weight loss, and am monitoring it closely. I worked for weight watchers for 10 years so I'm really aware of the dangers of rapid weight loss, and the signs of major problems that can result, plus my wife's a nurse and is watching me closely, and I am watching her as well. Our marriage is really becoming cohesive now more than ever before. I had no idea what kind of stress my wife wife was experiencing due to the friction with my ex.

I have had to set aside my appearance for the most part at this time. I have kept up with a few personal things to keep me from feeling too stressed about myself. I just did my nails yesterday, and have kept up on my body hair. It's nice to have at least something to feel like I'm not abandoning who I am. But I have to keep up appearances for the family to avoid challenges to my custody.

Experiencing a death of a close loved one can give one a chance of re-creating oneself. I look forward to how it's changing all of our lives, and am working hard to facilitiate it for my daughter. The move to California will allow her to re-create herself away from the "oh, you're the daughter of the woman that died" rut she could fall into. My son has his chance with the Army. And my wife and I have the chance now with all that is happening - it's already much better for us. We're moving to Spokane to immediately to be there for my daughter. We'll be moving to California by June.

On my first time out with my daughter to be alone with her after the death, we went to a mall, and we looked through a little shop selling jewelry. She picked out a pretty silver and light blue butterfly necklace. She wears it all the time now, telling everyone I gave it to her. I don't think she realized the symbol it represents when she bought it. Deep within her grief, she chose the symbol of change, of metamorphosis, of re-creating oneself. I'll wait until the right moment, even if it's years from now, to mention it to her. Maybe that'll be when she gets accepted to a university, or maybe when she gets her bachelor's degree, or maybe her master's, or maybe when she marries some day. Whatever the case may be, she and the rest of us, will all be new people that have come forth changed from the midst of tragedy.

Hi Ann,
We are sorry to hear about this. You go and take care of yourself and family first. We'll be here when you get back.

Mere and Josie

Ann, i'm so sorry to hear this dreadful news....i know you & your family will be in ALL of our thoughts & prayers.



Anna-Marie
xxx

Dear Ann,

You have my contact information. No need to wait till you move to SoCal if you need a friend to listen.

Sincere Condolences,

Wendy

I'm very sorry to hear of this loss Ann, and the devastation it will have on your children's lives. I'm sure you will be there for them, which is what they will need right now. Stay strong, for all of your sakes.

Nikki

Dearest Ann-

You have my sympathy and condolences for you and your family. What a sad and terrible tragedy for you and yours. And I know things must be very difficult for you as well, dear, no matter how ugly the divorce there is always a residue of love especially after so many years. My heart goes out to you. Email me anytime, please, if there's anything I can do. My best to your family.

Hugs...Joni Marie

Dear Ann-

It sounds like you and your family are weathering things well. Good luck and my best to all of you.

Hugs...Joni Marie