Hi all,
I am posting for the first time so I hope that I am doing this in the right way . What follows is a stream of conciousness that I hope will not bore the pants off you all . Please indulge me if you can! . Firstly, I am really still a bit confused about my relationship to cross-dressing . Its something that I have done since adolescence when the arousal experienced when trying on a pair of lacy/satin knickers gave me a guilty thrill. Guilt has stayed with me about it over the years , but over the last 2 or so years I have started to accept this aspect of myself and know that there will always be a part of me that enjoys wearing lingerie at certain times. What I struggle with is wandering wether my inclination in this regard is a transvstic fetish or whether I am just resisting delving further into transvestisism because i am afraid of where it might take me and how it will impact on my nearest and dearest.

Also I sometimes feel that i am just distracting myself in a rather elaborate way , from just getting on with life - It things were better with my career maybe I wouldn't have these urges. ? > It's just there are times when the urge to wear some feminine underwear and, occasionally high heels, just overwhelms me!!!!.
I am married and have two great sons of primary school age. I have tried to open up to my wife about it in the past but to very limited success, and as time roles on emotionally there seems to be more ground to cover and we struggle to make the effort.

All this is in context with the fact that I am at a hiatus in my career , and my Wife is carrying the can financially (very successfuly professionally I have to say).

So I have feelings of bieng lucky I even have the time to write this during the day, as most people are busy working hard to keep a roof over their heads, as my wife is doing for us at the moment. but I really feel down about the urges I have to cross-dress in a clandestine manner and still a sense of guilt that the sexual pleasure I gain from this lonely activity is damaging my relationship with my wife .

If this or bits of this sounds familiar to anyone here I would appreciate just knowing that.!
Have a lovely day.

Suzi

Suzi
First, you are not alone. For the want of a better explaination we've been there.
Second, please don't feel guilty about your feelings. The spectrum between being male and female is not the two sides of a coin. There are many degrees in between.
You state you get sexual pleasure from dressing - you are probably excited because you are "getting away" with it. Remember when you were just starting to masturbate? Same feelings.
The only guilt is you should have recognized your feelings when you were in your 20s and told you wife. We've been there too.
Turning your wife's feeling around is a very tough task - take "baby" steps. If she seems resistant you have to work on it little by little. Think of chipping away or eroding a big rock - you can't do it all at once. If you push too hard you could lose everything.
As for you two boys - they don't have to know at this time.
Welcome to TW. You'll get plenty of help and advise.
hugs
Gracie

Hi Suzi.
Firstly, to reassure you. What you have written described my situation when I first joined TWeb, possibly 2 years ago. There are many others who feel the same, in whole or in part, so don't be afraid.
You've probably already recognised that your desire to dress can be deferred for a while, but it will return as it's part of your make-up. All that you can try and do is accomodate it within your life, without too much disruption.
I suspect that your biggest dilemma is the current 'dip' in your professional life. Dressing might be a source of comfort, an opportunity to escape for a while, a mood-lightener. By it's very nature, it can also be a solitary activity, and if you've too much free time then the activity might become self-perpetuating.
Read and absorb some of the information you'll find here, but be careful, it can be all-consuming..
Try and use the dressing to empower you and improve how you feel as a person, not to undermine you.
When I first joined TWeb I wouldn't have been able to write this. It may still be a load of rubbish (!) but at least I have the confidence to address this now, because I understand myself a lot better.
Have fun.
Rachel

Mary Grace ,
Thank you for your empathy; It 'sreally appreciated , when I read your reply It made me quite emotional. You're totally right, I should have have been honest with my wife about this aspect of my personality before we got married ; I was very much ignoring the issue and was hoping that I would grow out of it and that by becoming a Dad things would change.I really wish I had the courage to have owned up to my feelings back then..... but thanks for your support and I hope to learn from the community
Love Suzi

Rachel ,

Thanks for your feedback on my earlier post . You are, I think , very astute in your observation that right now my professional life is in need of some serious revitalising . thanks for your insights and support.
suzi

Welcome on board, Suzi!

Joni and others have already said much of what I have in mind: you are not sick and you do not need to be cured. I was in my mid forties before I understood and fully accepted it. I believe that we were born the way we are and we are going to stay that way as long as we live.

Accepting ourselves as we are is one thing, coping with the rest of the World is another. I for one would like nothing more than a chance to go out and take care of my everyday business looking like I feel comfortable but living in a suburban redneck residential area does not encourage me to do so. Maybe I will manage it some day, maybe not. Hope is the last thing to lose.

For the first time in my life I have quite recently entered in a relationship with a wonderful lady whom I chose to tell about my other side right away as I understood we were going to be serious about each other. I am happy to say that she is very supportive and possible problems in our relationship have everything to do with issues not related to TG.

I am not the right person to advice you on how to deal with your wife as all my previous relationships have ended painfully. I never told any of them that I am a CD but that was not the main reason either. It is impossible to say whether it had made any difference if I had been open from the beginning but I sort of wish I had. It could have saved me some sorrow but you never know.

Coming to TW was a good choice, that I can tell you based on my own experience. I have been here before and it was the wisest on line decision I ever made to return. You will find that all of us have gone through what you are going through and those of us who have spouses with children can certainly help you deal with family issues.

Chin up, Suzi! The life is a wonderful experience and for us gals it is a wonderful experience in two packages :-)

Dear Joni,

thank you so much for your welcome. I have been wanting to reply since end of last week but had a busy few days at home with family visiting and whoosh the time flew! . I have been really touched by the support and empathy that has been expressed and I think that like you , coming here to TW is a really brilliant decision . Just knowing that I am not alone in this is a great relief , and
makes me feel so much better about it all and that is more than enough.
Really , thank-you so much
, Suzi

Dear Wendy,

thanks for your feedback : I love the concept of 'Gender Euphoria'! . Let me consider that at leisure! .
hugs, Suzi

Hi Tiina ,

thanks for your words of support!. Can you tell that not only am I new to TW forums , I am also a bit of a novice with thread replies!. So , I just have loads of wise words that you and other Girls are expressing and I wish to take it all in . sorry this is such a short reply, but I have to get my beauty sleep in sharpish!
hugs,
Suzi

Hi Joni,


I wanted to say... you did make a good comment re working / not working/ supporting the breadwinner

"For what it's worth, I'm currently out of work at the moment myself, something that's been going around or so I hear, and my wife is the breadwinner. So I try to do everything I can around the house and to let her know how valued and appreciated she is, as I'm sure she would do for me were the situation reversed, and as I'm sure you must do for your spouse. "

I haven't always been as appreciative as I know I ought to be when My wife comes back from work . I think that in part it might have to do with my inflated ego feeling that I am somehow hard done by because I am not going out to earn money to support my family and recieve the admiration from family members for that!. How warped is that!!! - I know this is a really stupid thing to think. So I just wanted to say that you have a great attitude there.
take care ,
Suzi

thanks sweetie!

Hiya

you're just a very typical crossdresser...wives generally don't like this side of their men so you need to be careful or life can get real messy...but you're calling yourself Suzi? to excuse your behaviour?

One theory of this crossdresing arousal is the trigger of the phemerones of unwashed lingerie...try dousing yourself in strong male aromatics to try defeat it...

If you really feel guilty why not investigate avoidance therapy? Next time you feel the urge..just go for a walk or a ride on a bike...go to the employment agencies and look for work...being home alone is too big a temptation

rose

Hi Suzi-

Girl, you are so welcome here, you are most emphatically not alone, nor are your feelings about yourself strange or aberrant or something that needs to be fixed. You are not ill, you don't need to be cured nor do you need to feel guilty about your feelings, they're not something that needs to be excused or that you should feel apologetic for. As far as your TG feelings and being out of work for the moment, you are not alone there either, you are one of many and the two are seperate issues. For what it's worth, I'm currently out of work at the moment myself, something that's been going around or so I hear, and my wife is the breadwinner. So I try to do everything I can around the house and to let her know how valued and appreciated she is, as I'm sure she would do for me were the situation reversed, and as I'm sure you must do for your spouse.

As to how and your wife ultimately wind up dealing with your being TG, Suzi, that is entirely up to the two of you, no one can predict the outcome ahead of time. Some women have a great deal of difficulty with it and some simply cannot deal with it at all in which case it can certainly be disastrous for all concerned. However, many women do find ways to accomodate their spouse being TG, all the way from full ecceptance and support to not wanting to be a part of it but allowing for some "girl time" in their partner's life. There are lots and lots of threads dealing with that issue here on TW as well as links for resources and so on.

You can feel free to express your feelings, all of us have been there, no one will judge you or suggest that you need to change how you are, your feelngs about yourself are valid and real and not some passing urge that you could cure by say, putting ointment on a rash or something like that. For all of us, no matter what label some one else may try to lay on us, crossdresser, transvestite, transsexual, whatever, we are who we are, it is an essential and inescapable part of us.

Suzi, I hope you stay with us, TW is a wonderful resource for help and understanding as well as a place to meet others who know what you may be going through.

Hugs...Joni Marie

Suzi,

Few people in the psych professions really understand us anyway. The people who write the DSM diagnoses categories are not always "the best and the brightest". You would do well to ignore categories, invented to allow billing of insurance companies for payment for treating TG/TS persons, and find out who you are for yourself. There are no boxes, just infinite stations along the Gender Spectrum. If I had been "diagnosed" 10 yrs ago it would be quite different than a diagnosis made today....yet I am the same person, just more aware and accepting and aware of my true self. My behavior has changed because I have left the unhealthy, false-male lifestyle I lived since being pre-teen...to survive at first and then because I lost my way and forgot it was a front. My self-diagnosis is that I have "Gender Euphoria" and may the Goddess help the person who tries to "cure" me of being Wendy. First of all they will have to deal with me mum.

My personal opinion is that standing under a cold shower or hitting your thumb with a hammer to distract you from the urge to crossdress is doomed to failure, long-term. You will run out of digits and go broke paying the water bill long before the urges disappear.......which will likely be never. What you subdue and lock away will get you in other ways harmful to your mental and physical health.

Hi Suzi dear-

You are very welcome, hon. It is great to know we have sisters-in-arms isn't it? (Don't you love Dire Straits?) We're all in this together and though we may be on different paths we are on the same journey. Glad you're along for the ride, girl.

Hugs...Joni Marie

Suzi,

[HELPFUL HINT: When you want to reply to multiple posts in a thread, it may be easier to open Wordpad and just type there while reading the original posts. When you have finished, hit reply, copy and paste, and post them all at once.]