July 16, 2009 1:56 AM BST
That’s a really tough question. Note: I’m using gender specific terms to make a point.
From what I’ve seen most TGs born in a male body whose feminine side is strong enough that they want to dress, grow breasts, or what have you will go one of two ways: [1] they will either progressively go trans; or [2] they will scare themselves sh*tl*ss and turn ultra male-macho. Most of the cases I’ve seen go the former route. But, then, most of the cases I’ve seen come from associations with the transsexual community. Either way, you have to remember that he’s discovering himself for better or for worse. What he says now may not be what he says 2 years from now, as the issues involved are complex.
The part you need to think about is not “what might he do next” or even “what is he willing to discuss with me”. What you need to consider is what makes you comfortable and happy in your relationship. You cannot expect to mould him into something that he’s not. If you try to force him to fit something in your mould you’ll only drive her away. But how much of her can you accept, respect, and enjoy? That’s the where the proverbial rubber meets the road.
Relationships are much more complex than we generally like to believe because people idealize about them. Relationships are not only about sex or support or trust or comfort or whatever. Relationships are about ALL these things. If one of those things is broken everything else suffers with it.
My advice is rather than questioning him you should be questioning yourself. If you are unhappy—you being half the relationship—then the whole relationship suffers. Just as if he is unhappy. You have no control over his thoughts, feelings, desires, or actions. You only have control of your own. A relationship, whether healthy or not, is based on the interaction of both of you being responsible for your own input.
If you cannot be happy then get out. Let her (him?) know why so that she can deal with it all in an honest way. If you think you can be happy figure out what you have to do to reconcile the things that bother you. Again, your happiness is your end—he is not either to credit or to blame for that.
Lastly, no matter what you decide to do, be honest. This will prove to be healthier both for you and for him. Whether that honesty is supportive, pejorative, or just plain lost, your ability to be up-front may make all the difference to both of you.
First, let me say that it is not unusual for TGs to start to open up and find parts of themselves (no pun intended) that they didn't know were there. Since it's clear that you have issues about her breasts and it has gotten into your relationship, you need to find out why and how much and what you can tolerate long term. The issue of not sharing herself is her problem and she needs to work on that but it is a shared problem in it's effect. I recommend a couple therapist with gender therapy background to work this out between you as well as individually. If it's that important. It is probably doomed without communication.
Here are a list of TG support groups in your area. One of these is bound to be able to advise/educate you on this. They may have couples' groups that can provide less expensive but effective help for the two of you.
http://www.the519.org/pro[...]ide.htm
Hi Amber
you need to find out just what his motivation is. But as the idea of him having breasts is a turn-off now its hard to see things getting better.
Do you get the impression his is progressing into being a man with boobs who will eventually want a vagian..or is there any genuine femaleness that gives you the impression that really he might be transsexual?
But we have a saying...if he looks like a man in a dress, sits, walks, talks, drinks, eats and ttreats you like a man in adress then that's what 'it - the person ' is...
You need to get him to talk to your or a therapist to sort things out.
Hi Amber
What yo and the guy don't realise is that 'any product to enhance breast growth' may actually act on the brain too and cause that to go female too and lead the guy into thinking that getting more into crossdressing etc would be great and a vagina would be best of all.
Plus any breast growth might come at the expense of loss of libido.
Hope you can figure things out one way or the other cos its awful being in limbo land of being alone in a relationship.
June 1, 2009 10:51 AM BST
Firstly Amber, think you have been a star so far, being supportive and trying to get help for your other half, but where do you draw the line. Women lets face it basically marry men, because they want a man in their lives, if they wanted somone with boobs who wears a nightie in bed and lives in a dress, surely they would have opted to form a relationship with a real girl? Depends just on what your prepared to put up with, some TS on here have a very succesful and loving relationship with partners that come out, some TS's curb their ultimate desires and put aside their dreams to keep to the comitment they made to wives/partners and children. Better to be alone and lonely and have the freedom to make alternative choices than live a lonely existence with somone who is reticent and won't share, hard choice. realy feel for you xxCristinexx