Hi Kidz,
It's wonderful to finally be able to be yourself and it feels sooo good for the soul, BUT...
family members might not share your enthusiasm. Right after you transition suddenly the phone calls stop, the emails diminish to next to nothing, family events are planned and you are not informed, etc.

This is happening to me and I still can keep my positive outlook but sometimes I go numb. It's like my family days essentially are "over". I've been excluded by 2 of 3 children, one sister, the ex, and everyone else except my other sister and my mother. I know that I have to give them time but I also know that there are some who are very negative re: Transgenders. My negative sis even says that there is no such thing as Transgenders and she won't even talk about it!!! End of discussion!!!

I do have lots of wonderful Trans friends so i am not alone in the world but does anyone have any thoughts on how to get my "lost" family members to accept me or at least some coping mechanisms to get me through those awkward times when family events are happening and everyone is invited except you?
I'd appreciate it greatly!
Luvs,
Nicole

Nicole I got a similar problem as you, not so wide but still a problem. One problem is/was my dad which you can read about in my post "I hate to say..." http://gendersociety.com/perl/community/cforums.cgi?forumid=111023717915920&postid=9990325851680&action=messages&threadid=9990325550513&

I’m not saying you should do the same but I think that especially your parents that are most likely old might have a problem understanding what being transsexual really means and as in your case, my mum is also OK with me and call me daughter not son.

My plan with her was just to take her out on shopping to show her it’s all the female shopping I like and shopping for bra, female clothes, and makeup and to take advice from her did the trick for me. In other words make them involved if possible. Same for your sister, just ask her for advice but you might need to let her know that you have know-how about being woman and not ask advice like if you’re still a male and want to “become” a woman.

When you visiting you parents, take part of the woman work as it shows the female side of you.

Once you got your mum on your side, for your brothers/sisters go visit them with your mum. Don’t go alone because you will then “show” that your mum is supporting you so why should not your brothers do the same? This might work and might not but for me I still have a problem with my oldest brother, which in fact never acted as a brother at all. So while most in my family is OK with me, my oldest brother has never met Natalie because when I wanted to visit him, he sent my mum a SMS saying he has nothing to say or do with me which is OK because he will be the only one. It’s not a big "loss" as I know sooner or later we will still meet, may it be Christmas, birthdays or whatever. Also I want him to feel that he’s left out and when we meet I will let him know that he’s the last one to “know”.

I wish the world was a bit more open to us but I also think it has to do with how open we are to the world and we can’t be shy or scared for doing things we would have done while still a male. Well… there IS things I can’t do which in fact is a bit of a problem for me and that’s to sneeze or cough while out shopping or out with people… It sounds SO male (cry) and it’s a dilemma for me because I try as best I can to stop it but sometimes you just can’t.

xxx Natalie

Rose you're so lovely... (just don't tell I can't tell you're lovely haha) and as we're "partners" already why not do it together with Cristine and Marsha as well. Cristine does accounting so that would come handy.

Because I'm fully transitioned and never made any fuzz about it I only got my own experience to tell as I know myself and I know I'm not alone but you see what happen in the suicide thread when I opened my mouth as I've got absolutely no experience in being depressed or having suicidal thoughts.

I could only tell happy people how to be happier maybe? Can you imagine a behavioural counsellor for happy people only lol I would earn less then I make cutting hair but since we got plenty of chairs there, maybe a good idea would be to have behavioural counsellor while cutting hair, like two flies in one bang?

Sorry for making jokes on this thread but my fingers was just dancing on the keybord.

But back to more serious thought, I think by just being friendly or tell or show people you love them or care for them you can go a long way and don’t forget the nice words and leave the “A-holes” outside.

xxx Natalie

Natalie,

...my mum is also OK with me and call me daughter not son.

My plan with her was just to take her out on shopping to show her it’s all the female shopping I like and shopping for bra, female clothes, and makeup and to take advice from her did the trick for me. In other words make them involved if possible. Same for your sister, just ask her for advice but you might need to let her know that you have know-how about being woman and not ask advice like if you’re still a male and want to “become” a woman.

When you visiting you parents, take part of the woman work as it shows the female side of you.

Once you got your mum on your side, for your brothers/sisters go visit them with your mum. Don’t go alone because you will then “show” that your mum is supporting you so why should not your brothers do the same?...

This is WONDERFUL, very pragmatic advice, you go girl!

Nicole

Nicole thankyou and I'm just glad if you liked it because it worked for me so it might also work for others but the reality is that we humans are all so different and reacts differently to same situations so there is no guaranty that it will work but maybe worth trying.

Personally I think if we can just brake the ice, it will be broken forever.

xxx Natalie

Hi Rose,
Thank you for the tip re: Xmas cards. I usually don't do Xmas cards but it is something that people can physically hold in their hand, open it up and see that I am thinking about them and they can see my name.

However, I have sent physical birthday cards and birthday emails and I do get a "thanks".via email in all cases. I don't get addressed, just a thanks. I guess that this is gonna take a while, or maybe it will never happen.

I saw my mom yesterday and I was talking about how I'm on the outs with a lot of the family. She said "It's a shame that people won't accept you." That made me feel good and bad at the same time. Good because my mom said it and there's always the hope that she'll say something to my non accepters and bad because it also sounded so forever.

Oh well, I guess I'll just keep sending birthday cards and now Xmas cards and just wait and hope. At least the Xmas card will be the second reminder of me every year to them. Thank you again, Rose!

Hi Natalie,
My mom is cool with me but you did have very good advice if she wasn't. A day of female shopping is a great idea! Thank you!

And your second idea is a good one also, during visits perform the women's work. I have done that and I think that did help my mom accept me. Serving, cooking and cleaning up instead of "watching the game" while sipping a drink did send a message to her. Thanks!

Yes, Christmas is a time where I will meet some family members face to face and these are very important times to, again as you said, "Do the women's work". Also show them your best female side.

And your "Don't visit without an ally" statement (sorry for the paraphrasing) is very good advice. Since we celebrate Xmas at my mom's house she is already there and she does address me correctly in front of the others.

I thank you once again, Natalie for your great ideas but I think that in my case I just have to wait and hope.

nothing to do about the real bigots I'm afraid...keep sending Xmas cards to let them know you still think about them...if they all get a bit of positive feeedback about you from your child, mum and sis you may become acceptable sometime - but the evidence suggests don't count on it...
like everyone says: we transition and lose practically everything...

nothing to do about the real bigots I'm afraid...keep sending Xmas cards to let them know you still think about them...if they all get a bit of positive feeedback about you from your child, mum and sis you may become acceptable sometime - but the evidence suggests don't count on it...
like everyone says: we transition and lose practically everything...

Natalie, you're right about the sneezing and coughing it does sound so male but as I heven't been outed for it perhaps its just a bit of neuroticism on our behalf...

now we need a new thread: how to feminise coughs and sneezes...

as you are so observant and knowledgeable about transthings why aren't you a behavioural counsellor...there'sd a big market waiting for you...