Hi. I'm new. (duh.)

The basics: 41, born-male, single-again...and horribly confused, inside.

My story sounds bizarre, even to me.

I was never one of those little boys that mom says, "He's all boy!"...you know the type, running everywhere, into everything, seemingly indestructible? Nope. Not me. I always blamed it on the fact that I'm a leg amputee, and *couldn't* be that active little whirlwind that so many of my peers were. And I'm a geek, by trade, and not much interested in sports and cars and drinkin', and all the other things that guys were interested in as I got older. Three failed marriages, two daughters, one of whom lives with me. I've always felt...ambivalent, I suppose is a good word...about my masculinity. I've always been much more comfortable in the presence of women than of men, and have very rarely had any truly *close* male friends.

Somewhat over a year ago, I was living in West Podunk, and had been hanging out on a MMPORG for adults only, the Utherverse. I'd heard the women there bitching about what jerks the men were, so, to find out for myself, I changed my avatar's gender to female. I didn't change my profile--I was honest about the fact that I was a male, playing a female. (As an aside, I was right...many of the men *are* jerks.) After a while, I discovered I *liked* it. The women treated me as equals, mostly, and the men--the non-jerky ones--treated me very nicely, even though they knew. So I kept doing it, and still do.

Then I moved, this summer, to DC. And it occurred to me, walking down a street near Dupont Circle, that if I wanted to try "switching over" outside the electronic realm, there wasn't any West Podunk to run me out of town any more...I could do it!

...but I haven't. Yet. But it's almost like someone else woke up inside me, and she--for that soul is definitely a she--wants out of the dark corner!

So, what do I want? I want....to be accepted. Loved, maybe. To be attractive to someone, if that's possible--I don't think I am, as a guy--that's been a perennial problem for me. Even to feel pretty, to myself, would be a nice thing. Heck, I'm not even totally sure of my own motivations. I'm so new, I don't even even have any girly clothes, I'm still hairy as Sasquatch, and don't know where to begin. I just know I'm compelled to find out more. I don't feel like I belong like I am, at all, and it's an uncomfortable space to be in.

Is something *wrong* with me? Is my situation all that unique? Is there a path for me? Is this the right place to find community? So many, many questions...

Thanks for your time. I don't even have a girly name yet. For now, I s'pose, just Call Me... D.

Hi D
most of us girls have a simaler tale . so welcome to tranny web and theres nothing wrong with you just being the third sex.

love and hugs Mandyxxx

Nothing wrong with you. You just need to explore and sort out your feelings. TW is a good place to start. You might also look and see if there are any local Transgendered organizations in your area.

Hi D,
Welcome to TW,your story and feelings are typical as a lot of girls here.There is nothing wrong with you,and don`t let anyone tell you otherwise.Only you can explore your innermost feelings and decide what`s best for you.Girls here will be able to give you any advice you need and support you if you need it.Don`t rush things,don`t get overwhelmed with all these new powerful feelings.Take things slowly and decide truely where you what to go with your life.
Hugs and best wishes,
Michelle xxx

Nikki, mandy, Jenette, and Michelle,

Thanks for all your kind replies and ideas. Jenette, the good news is that I have already found a local group! They meet monthly, and I attended last month. That was....overwhelming.

They meet again on Friday, and I'm planning to go, and maybe to dinner afterwards with some of the girls who usually do that.

We'll see how it goes!

--D

Hiya D, Welcome to TW. Lots of great advice hereThe only thing I can add or I would like to say is, you have the freedom to define yourself and be whoever you want to be for as long as you want to be.with that of course, the higher quality company you keep, the more respect that is shared.
Take care
Love Penny xxx

I'm sorry but I'm going to play the devil's advocate based on the information so far and a few personal experiences. One of the things I first came across when I started participating in the online TG community was what I call cheerleaders. Those that have no clue about your life but encourage you to do what you want and move forward. Not saying they don't have good intentions, just that they don't know enough to make knowledgeable suggestions to someone they know so little about.

A member here once pointed out that statistics show 80% of online gamers using female AVATARS are male. So are these "gals" all TG? Unlikely. More likely is it is a fantasy. And once again citing a real world personal experience of someone close to me, you have an online persona and people like that tend to lose touch with their families leading to failed marriages. I'm not saying this is the cause of your failed marriages, but I'm sure there are two sides to the story.

There is nothing wrong with you investigating what this is all about and sorting out where you fit in. My personal opinion is you don't become TS, or TG for that matter, you are born that way. Does this eliminate you? No way. Just take plenty of time to sort out whether this is fantasy or real because this is not a game.

Wishing you the best,
Marsha

Marsha Ann wrote:

>And once again citing a real world personal experience of someone close to
>me, you have an online persona and people like that tend to lose touch with
>their families leading to failed marriages. I'm not saying this is the cause of
>your failed marriages, but I'm sure there are two sides to the story.

Since I didn't create that persona until a year ago, and my last marriage failed
nearly six years ago, I think that can be ruled out rather cleanly, thankee.

Frankly, Marsha Ann, your message, and a couple of the ones that followed, made
me feel like someone slugged me. I think I prefer the girls I met at the support group
in DC last night.

I suppose, given that 80% statistic you stated, that you get lot of the clueless and fakers
here. It just stings a little--okay, a lot--to have it implied that I'm one of them, and that's
the way your message came off, whether you intended it or not.

--D

D (whoever you are), don't be put off. I believe you're genuine. I don't think one can really draw a comparison between online gamers and people who come to Trannyweb for support.

Stay with us, and benefit from the accumulated wisdom and knowledge. We can help you work out who you are and what you really want.

Alison

D, I'm not sure you read the part where I said "I don't know if this is the cause of your failed marriages" or the entire last paragraph where I said you should investigate more about this and see if it truly is what is right for you. In your own words you describe how you don't know if this is the right place for you. Personally I am not convinced in the least bit that you are TG. Does that mean I think you are a bad person, heck no. I personally hope you stay here and learn as much as you possibly can about the transgender community. Like Nikki said, some just gain a better understanding what is going on with themselves later in life. Life is a giant puzzle and some are better at fitting the pieces together than others. I honestly do wish you the best in sorting out what is best for you and if it turns out to be a full transition, so be it.
Hugs,
Marsha

Hi and welcome to TW. Firstly, no, there's nothing wrong with you, that's social stereotyping and brainwashing making you think that way. It's how our generation was unfortunately raised.

That aside, what can you do? Well, only you can say how far you want to go with this so it might be very worth your while reading the forums on 'coming ou', 'passing in public', 'make up tips' and so on. It will at least give you tips and advice on being able to present yourself as female, if that is what you really want. (It just sounds like you have a lot of other issues in there too).

The forums can also be used to pose questions to other members here and you are always going to get some responses, the same can be said for the chatroom, although it varies what time you go in there as to how busy it is and whether someone is able to help you find some answers.

Whatever you do, keep it safe at all times, for yours and your families sake, especially the daughter living with you. Take it slow, baby steps to test the water until you are certain you know what you what.

In the meantime, TW will be a great resource for you.

Nikki

I'll join Marsha on this and say TS do not suddenly wake up and think they are TS...practically every TS has been giving off the well known signals all their lives...even in military, male life etc...what I personally say is that if there is a female inside then signs of her will be seen outside...

but before you do anything further you need a chat with someone who knows how to help sort out your gaming persoan from the real you...and I have to add that I do feel that electronic role playing is akin to pornography in fuelling an increase in the number of men who think they may be TS...

It's true you don't 'become' TS, you just are, though it may take you a while to figure it out or accept it.

Do you just become TV though? Is it just acting out a fantasy for some? I honestly don't know the answer to that one.

Nikki

Some "local" resources for you:

http://www.ifge.org/Web_L[...]6.phtml

I suspect your best bet is:

Washington-Baltimore Alliance Popular
Washington-Baltimore Alliance
PO Box 1994 Silver Spring, MD 20915
[email protected]
http://www.transgender.or[...]ex.html
CD/TS support group that meets in Bethesda, MD

***
Here at TW, your situation is NOT all that unique.
What most likely happened is that in the 7th week of your mother's pregnancy with you, your brain did not make the usual transition, for an XY baby, from female to male brain. Whatever caused it was probably biological in nature and involved hormones working, or not working, outside their normal parameters. Men are mutants and XY's share the same Y-chromosome from a specific male who lived 60,000 years ago. Hi, Grandpa! You didn't cross over "normally". However, as you see here at TW, it's not all that rare. So, it's not your choice; it's nature taking her course. Your only choice is how to deal with it. Just remember, nature is not binary so get rid of that "male or female" mindset and find your true self, not what you have been told is "normal". The world was wrong. It may be that transgendered is "normal", in some degree, for most of us.