As I've noted before, being in KSA, it has been difficult to have a female wardrobe here. Part of it is my own fear of acquiring women's clothes and such in a land where being transgendered is strictly illegal, but part of it is practical in terms of the fact that it IS illegal and getting caught with the accoutrement of femininity can cause SERIOUS problems. A few months ago, about 90 Filipino crossdressers were arrested, and I believe they are all still in prison - though I am not sure of that. Islam strictly forbids crossdressing, and as is often the case in Western countries, it is often equated with homosexuality - which may or may not be the case in reality.

This is ironic to me because many of the young adults and boys wear clothing that, in the US (and probably the UK, too) would be sort of "faggy," if you will. Tight tee-shirts with thin (non-crewneck) collars and very short sleeves. 3/4-capris styled pants. Sandals that would DEFINITELY be female sandals back home. Heavy body hair is prized over here, so boys with little or no body hair stand out significantly. There are definitely gay and transgendered boys over here - but, if they are found out, they are in serious danger, moreso than if an expatriate was discovered.

I have learned a lot about "making do" over here. I keep my body shaved, which lends a lot to my sense of femininity. I have some panties I decided to risk and bring in with me on one trip...simple Hanes cotton bikinis. I've learned that rolled up jeans can be rather feminine, and since I've lost so much weight, my huge stomach is no longer as great a threat to my body image as it used to be. I still have a bald head and no wig...so, I've gone radical and used the Sinead O'Connor approach to hair maintenance. And, I have some sandals I wear. I have not cosmetics, so I have to stay VERY closely shaved - and even then my shadow is almost always there.

What I've discovered is that I am indeed, truly a female inside. I've been forced to examine the whole nature of being a woman, while physically male, and without the usual accoutrement acquired and maintained by those in our community. If anything, I've become more female emotionally and intellectually. I have really had to deal with my "actual" identity...because without the clothes, without the make-up, without the wigs and shoes and nighties and all that other stuff...I am totally naked with my identity.

Frankly, I am not sure how well this bodes for things when I return home. My wife, whom I love more than I can describe, tries her damnedest to be understanding. But, she is notably not attracted to women, and she freely admits she has a problem with accepting me as a woman. She also feels, I think, that this may come to a head. Both of us know we're going to have to face down this issue one way or another. She's told me point blank, that she would always have my back, regardless how things turn out; but, I can tell in her voice she's scared. Mostly, we manage to avoid the subject all together. We plan to see a counselor when I return to deal with 3 years of separation, and I don't see how this can NOT become an issue during our sessions.

So, I am not sure if any of that makes any sense. It did to me as I wrote it, but I have lived with these thoughts relentlessly all of my life. I am not sure if they come across to anyone else. Just some thoughts that have come together for me over the last little while.

Jenette,
A very difficult position to be in indeed. I read your first post, but I am not sure what branch you are in. Gosh, being away for three years will be a difficult time in it's self, trying to get things back on stable ground, with your wife and family.
I have to agree with Wendy, take your time when you get back, you'll have enough to do just transitioning back into a civilian life style, and getting reacquainted with your wife.
If you are a grunt, then things are even going to be tougher adjusting to home life. There just have been to many changes in your being, and out look in life, you are never the same after combat.
Things were different back when I was drafted in 1965 ( as far as trans life). Gosh, the Army was only over there 12 months and the marines 13 months. You are not what you were when you left, so you'll have to have a lot of patience, you and your wife have enough to deal with just in that area. You just do not easily erase combat memories, if this is in your case. Dreams, I emphasize again the dreams go on and on. She has to be ready just for this. Please give time for the both of you to readjust, she'll be different also....take your time with the regular everyday things of life, and reestablishing your relationship. I believe throwing the Trans element into all of this could very well be, just over whelming to her. I am so glad to hear that the both of you will be going to counseling.....Good luck..........Tammy

Hi Jenette,

I think the dressing thing is secondary.
I am feminine so I dress to enhance what I am. If I dressed to try to feel feminine it wouldn't work at all. They are just clothes, after all.

I hope you stay safe in Saudi and that everything works out for you when you get back.

Best,
Melody

One should follow the path that leads to happiness and comfort. It is, however, important to not lose your head over it....and in your locale I am not speaking figuratively.

Dressing was a great help to me in finding myself, but, while enjoyable and comforting now, it is not necessary for being myself while still in Drab. Still, I would hate to give up my pierced ears. They are something I can touch to remind myself that I am finally real.

One thing is certain, it WILL come to a head, one way or another. These feelings don't go away and you can't make them. My own situation is similar, my wife isn't attracted to women, so because I love her so much, my transition is on hold, perhaps indefinately, but you can still live very happily and find a balance that suits you both. I know I did and would be happy to share our experience with you if it would help in any way. My wife is happy, sure, she would prefer the old me but she can handle this new one fine too, and I'm happy because at the very least, I'm now very androgynous, if not feminine in my everyday life.

So, it's not all doom and gloom and the fact that you are both talking about it is very positive, as long as you are both completely honest with other and what you want for the future, you may very well be able to find a workable solution to keep you both together and happy.

Nikki