October 27, 2009 2:18 AM GMT
Dannie,
Were any of the therapists you have seen trained to deal with gender issues? Many are not, do not understand gender issues and may not even know the correct terminology. You need to talk to someone who understands this issue.
The loss of testosterone, even without estrogen, can change you physically and mentally. Early on in my realization of being TG and questioning if I was TS, I had my doctor run a testosterone level to see if that was responsible for my epiphany. My male hormone levels were not even low.
For some reason, I expect changes in my social behavior in public, I find women will engage me as another woman in public....I'm certain I do not LOOK like one, despite studs in my ears, but something about me has changed. I have found myself in a group of 5 women as the focus of discussion, not just "there". True, this often happens when I am wandering the women's clothes section of a store, but I have also found women notice behavior more than men and I suspect it is partly that I do not show the normal male discomfort at being seen in women's clothing/lingerie/shoe sections of stores. I am relaxed and having fun and often searching for clothes for my ggf who will be wandering in the area. I am not saying that they think I am a woman, though some may suspect I am gay or TG, but they perceive me as socially available and women LOVE to interact. If I am discussing fashion with my ggf, they pop right in like an old friend. If you want to know why women are treating you this way, ask them.
I can remember back in college, when I was trying to win at "who is the most macho", having two sisters disrobed to their underwear in front of me. Viewing my discomfort, the eldest laughed and said "You are not seeing anything you would not see if we were in our bathing suits." Maybe we just projected "safe male". Do not assume they do not see you as male. One of those sisters ended up as my first female sexual partner and best friend; they even asked me to share a house with them. They always treated me as male, even when discussing private girl stuff. So ask your girlfriends why they behave the way they do and let THEM tell you what it means. You may be surprised. I had a female friend for years. I was obtuse to what probably, in retrospect, were attempts to seduce me until one evening I arrived at her apartment. She came out dressed to the nines, sexy as hell, seriously kissed me and dragged me inside where she engaged in aggressive, and quite wonderful, sex. Do not assume. Ask.
You have been traumatized and it is understandable that you are hurt, confused and have your masculinity threatened. What may be happening is that you are reading trust and friendship for something else because of your insecurity. If functionality is an issue, there are even implanted, prosthetic devices for erectile dysfunction. In any event, you should take time to find your comfort level. Fortunately, you can do an RLE, if you decide you want to live as a non-op MtF, and if not go try something else. I have considered the same, in a friendly area of L.A. to give Wendy the opportunity to be free to be who she is, outside of work, or even there with the right job. I think that would give me a true view of who I really am after years of self-suppression. However, you would do well to have a therapist to talk to during this period....at least once a month. Keep a journal
Brother, Sister, Inbetween or Friend....you are welcome here.