Hi all
I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Where am I going in my life, what will make me happy. I, like many of you have my male and female sides. Lately though, I have been asking myself am I happier as Samantha or my male alter ego. I find myself wanting to be that woman that has become such a big part of my life. Am I thinking of going full time? I always seem to be. But I do have a special woman in my life that does not know about Samantha. I love her deeply and wouldn't want to hurt her and I am not sure if she would understand. At the same time I feel that I am not being true to myself. I find that I am stuck in between two worlds. So I am thinking of talking to someone professionally to hopefully sort things out. I don't want to lose what I have but yet I want to be me. I think I am hopeing to find a balance, if possible, that will satisfy both my worlds. Male and female. Sorry, but I felt that I had to just get it out and I felt that this was the place. Since I have been a member I have felt the compassion of so many people and I feel comfortable sharing my feelings.
Hugs... Samantha

Dear Samantha.
I also have some very special people in my life that I love dearly that would be gutted if Jane went full time, so I am sorta stuck with both
sides. Its nice to be Jane, but also nice to be my other self. And I am sure that is the best thing for me just juggling both :\

Really do know how you feel Samantha, hope you find a balance.



Next time that Jane comes to this earth she will be a women and a right slapper. lol Janey Woo.

Samantha, I know EXACTLY how you feel. If you have the wherewithal to see a professional therapist, it may help. Having tried that, my one piece of advice would be to seek out someone with experience in transgender issues. Most do not and have little understanding of what we are going through.

Thank you for sharing these feelings. I know many of us can empathize. Best of luck.

Emily

Hi all,
Let's talk about conflict. I wasn't sure what I was looking for when I got to this website. But it sure wasn't what I found. I have had to do so much soul searching in the last few days I too wonder who I am. I never knew what lurks beneath the exterior of me. some one called me gurl the other day and i liked it. I know I have to dress more and better. the courage that is here at this site is phenomenal. Inspiring in fact. I didn't know I had a closet and now I find I am in it and the door is starting to swing open. Fear is what controls so much of our lives. learning to be true to ourselves without causing pain is often difficult and I am not sure how to do it. I must go now and change my profile from admirer to cd. thank you all for that.

Hi Nikki
I agree that I have to tell her. I am not sure how I am going to do this though. I agree that going full time is not fair to her. I would like to but I know it is something I am not going to do. I am looking for that balance. Thanks for your thoughts. I value them.
Hugs... Samantha

Samantha

I understand what you are going through. Although my spouse has always known about my crossdressing when I felt the need to do more it was not a happy time. She didn't understand and wondered if I wanted a sex change. We talked a lot - probably still not as much as we needed to but got things worked out. She wondered where it would end and where would it leave her.
All I can say is talk talk talk and be honest.

Hugs and more Hugs

Jeri

Samantha,
I understand you position- as I was in it with my Children for quite a while.
It would be best if you seek understanding with someone who specializes in Transgender issues. Doing so will help you if, and when, you decide to tell your wife.
It is usually works out for the best if you fully honest with your partner - after all, what is a relationship all about...
Doanna

Samantha
I do my best to balance but the femme side seems to have the edge.
As for dressing full time I afraid that wont happen for a multitude of reasons. Small minded town, working conditions etc., etc.
My wife is most supportive. It took some time for her to see that I was happier dressed en femme. She worries about me.
Sorry but I have no recommendations, just my support and empathy.
xxxooo
Gracie

Hiya,
Finding the right path in life is never easy. I always understood, for myself, that nothing really matters, other than finding a happy and content life, whatever or wherever that may lead. I haven't been swayed by the emotional blackmail that my family have attempted to put upon me, they said "how could I be so selfish not thinking of other people", they obviously haven't considered that telling me how to live my life is a selfish thing? I thought about attempting not to transition to make life easier for my daughter, but how could I teach her liberty and freedom if my life was a complete lie. What parent would I be if I had no value for my own life, what would my daughter learn from that? Everyone chooses what is right and suitable for them, there is no wrong answer, its just right for them.

I hope you chose what is right and suitable for you.

best wishes
Penny
x

Samantha, many of us know exactly what you are going through. I'm in a position where I want to undergo surgery but it would mean separation from my wife and children, for me, that is too high a price to pay, they are everything to me. I'm also strongly bound by the commitments I have made to them and I believe that they should be honoured. However, the 'balance' for my wife and I is working out ok, I'm more or less full time, but underneath everything, still biologically male enough for her too. It's working for us but it has been a struggle and involved lots of tears on both sides on several occassions.

My biggest concern for you is that your other half doesn't know about you. I firmly believe that you must be up front and honest with her first, which will be very difficult for both of you anyway and is likely to cause some conflict. She may accept it, she may not, but she will very likely be upset that you hid this from her. It's a big step but in my opinion a necessary one if you value your partner. It's very unfair to be thinking about transitioning when she has no inkling of your 'alter ego'. Be fair to her and be sure to give her plenty of time to get used to it. You have had years to deal with being transgendered, don't expect her to deal with it in a matter of days or weeks.

I really hope you can find a balance, even though SRS might be what we would like, sometimes a balance is necessary instead, but that doesn't mean to say it can't still be very good. I wish you the best of luck in resolving this.

Nikki

I had very similar issues Samantha, so I do understand what you are going through. It might be worthwhile talking to others here in the chatroom and browsing the coming out forum as well to see how others handled it. Perhaps it will give you some ideas on how best to approach it yourself. Everyone is different and you know your partner better than we do, but you're likely to get several different approaches that way.

Nikki