I am somewhat hesitant to start this thread because I don't want others to think it is all about me. Jennifer Lives has asked me in another thread:

A new thread relating the evolution of Marsha from CD to TS would be fascinating and provide the level of support for others you describe as needed in a TG forum and also the level understanding you seek...I think.

So maybe some good can come from this that can help others. I don't think most of us sit around thinking about our evolution so I'm thinking I will just add a little here and there and see where it goes. Anyone following this is welcome to ask me just about anything and I will try to answer.

The first point I would like to make in Jennifer's request is that I don't believe my evolution went from CD to TS. I believe I have always been TS. Therefore I see it pre-fulltime and fulltime. I would have to say there are a lot of things in common between CD's and TS's that are not fulltime and most of that revolves around learning how to present as a woman. That includes makeup, hair, clothing, the works. Each of us has our own style just as I try not to be my wife's twin. I can only speak for myself but from my earliest memories my biggest concern was looking like a genetic woman.

I've pretty well expressed my feeling that TS's are just different than CD's lately. I don't even pretend to know why we would be different, but just from what I have seen there are distinct differences in behavior. The biggest standout difference is TS's have a goal that I don't believe CD's have. In simple words, TS's live there life trying to figure out how they can live as the person they truly are. I see that as a distinct difference from someone who says they don't mind being in guy mode at times. I also believe there are CD's that think they are TS and CD's that don't realize they are TS. That is why I am a strong advocate for seeing a therapist. Uncertainty is a killer.

That should get the CD vs TS stuff out of the way. I don't think I said anything controversial here. Jennifer asked about how my inner feelings have changed through transitioning so I will try and tackle that next.

And by the way Jennifer, I expect you to keep me on track here, lol.

Hugs,
Marsha

Jennifer had asked about how my inner feelings have changed throughout transition. I decided to go back through some of my older blogs and read some from my more challenging times. Here are a couple that really stood out and I'm sure others have had similar feelings:

Saturday, May 5th 2007 - 1:52PM
Just go away
Why me, this is the biggest nightmare I can imagine. Everyday is a struggle of figuring out who I am and who is being hurt because of it. I really wonder if there can be a happy ending to my life. There's no going back, I already figured that out, but going forward scares me to death. I know many others are going through the samething, some see fully transitioning as the savior for them. I hope so, yet many are struggling more than ever now because of it. The physical transition is easy, mentally we are already there, but life is more than mind and body. How do we prepare for the unknown. Is there truely happiness somewhere out there for us. Having my wife accept me brings great happiness to me, but God I'm so lonely, make it go away, I hate being TS.

Thursday, Nov 15th 2007 - 1:22AM
I'm scared to death about being TS, I'm not sure I have ever used those words here but it has always been that way. Suicide was brought up today in a forum, I know about it all too well. Things like that are realities of being TS. I am a woman, shouldn't I be able to live as one? The answer should be yes, but then why must I face so much hardship in my life. I've come a long ways this past year, survived lots of bad stuff, and having to face a lifetime of this will be tough. That's my life.

I am glad to have those days behind me. But I believe they are great examples of what goes through the mind of someone transitioning.

Hugs,
Marsha

I talked about blogs and how insightful they can be in another thread not all that long ago. Crazy thing is I have done so little bloggling since that time. I don't know how many others make it a habit of reading others blogs, but I enjoy it. I don't expect anyone to go back and read all my blogs, geez, I copied I don't know how many pages to my computer. But going back through them has refreshed my memory of a lot of things that have taken place during my transition.

Last August after a family vacation at a resort on a peaceful cove off of a large lake, I came to realize how I was now at peace with myself. You hear lots of gals talk about self acceptance and it sounds easy enough, you know the routine, "When I first new I was OK." But I don't think that is always true acceptance. I think that is more like you have convinced yourself you are ok.

My Blog entry in August 2009 reminds me of when I found true self acceptance.
Friday, Aug 28th 2009 - 18PM
There
Maybe I'm there now, wherever there is. I realized on my last vacation that I can truly relax now. I don't mean just sit around doing nothing, but rather I can enjoy life and just take in what is going on around me without my mind drifting off about things to do or worry over.
I don't need to ask why anymore, as in why me, why am I TS? I have learned there is not always an answer for every why that is asked, so now there is one less burden to carry on my shoulders. It is what it is, now life moves on.

I was more than four years into HRT, seeing psychologists, doctors, annual mammograms, you name it when I wrote that. I think being OK with ourselves is a step towards acceptance, but when you truly accept yourself, you will no doubt know the difference.

Hugs,
Marsha

While talking about inner feelings you cannot skip confidence. I believe confidence is everything in life. Without confidence you are basically shutting yourself inside a closet. Sure that applies to TG’s that fear coming out, but it really applies to everything and can be a cancer in our lives.

I will be very honest here. Growing up I lacked self confidence to the max. I may as well have locked myself in a closet and tossed the key. I always knew I was different and that is probably why I hid in my shell. As for TG activities I kept that behind closed doors until a year or two before I saw a therapist and went on hormones.

Going out and having no incidents did not really build my confidence in the early days. I don’t know if it was the fear or adrenaline that had me shaking, lol. My confidence really started growing in the summer of 2008 when my wife realized that it had to be one or the other and it was obvious I was Marsha. My fear was I would embarrass her when we went out. Instead she became my biggest supporter and confidence booster. Early on when I was unsure of my appearance I would say I was going to leave my purse home so anyone who saw me wouldn’t necessarily know whether I was a guy or gal. My wife would then say, “Grab your purse and let’s go.” As time went on I realized first of all nobody was looking at me and then it hit me, my wife would not have taken me out if she thought I would embarrass her. Eventually everything became maam’s and the self confidence blossomed to the point now I don’t give it a consideration what others think of me when they see me. And for that matter it makes no difference if they know I am TS or not. I don’t advertise it and no longer bring it up myself unless the situation dictates it.

Ok Jennifer, you requested all this stuff, now what. LOL

Hugs,
Marsha

Thanks Marsha,
What a wonderful subjective view of yourself, your struggles, uncertainty, sadness, to get to the point of self-acceptance. This thread you are doing will help so many girls out there that maybe struggling but afraid to reach out until it ends in wrong a decision. Hopefully they will reach out after reading your thread.

My feelings of empathy over whelms me when I read and identify with your struggles. Please keep up this thread/blog, your feelings, inner struggles are going to help someone.

For myself, it gives me a whole different perspective of you, more of a personal feeling.
Tammy

The feeling of loneliness has to be one of the most terrible things many of us TG’s have faced in our lives and it certainly was no exception for me. I was an emotional wreck when I first came to Trannyweb. I had been on hormones for a year and a half, and self medicating at that time because I lost my therapist a year earlier. I was scared and lonely. I had not told my wife at that time, but knew things had to be getting obvious. I needed support in a life or death way.

Unfortunately, partly do to my lack of self confidence at the time, I was not able to find support in my city. Knowing what I know now, it was there all the time but fear of something kept me from contacting them. I had found Trannyweb while doing various Google searches and knew there was a chatroom here. I had never chatted before, but I was desperate for someone to talk to. Scared silly, I joined TW and entered the chatroom. That first visit turned out to be a gift from God for me. Whether it was the right people at the right time or whatever, they were there for me and let me know I was not alone.

I mentioned earlier that in May 2007, seven months after joining TW, I was again lonely. At that time my marriage was only beginning to recover from my coming out to my wife. By then I knew others who were losing families and careers. Simple struggles looked like mountainous hurdles that needed to be crossed and I just didn’t know who I could talk to that would understand my situation. Chat is great, but I needed to see someone in person.

Financially it was difficult to go out of the area to see a gender therapist. Only a year ago was I able to finally find a local Licensed Psychologist with experience with gender identity. What got me through that tough period was TW, family, my medical team and friends I made because of TW. I eventually built up a number of people in my community I could talk to including my banker and hair stylist.

I don’t think anyone can successfully transition without a circle of friends. The strength support gives can get you through some pretty tough times. I credit TW especially with saving my life. And as I mentioned in another thread, that is why I continue to support and come back to TW. Another Marsha just might show up tonight.

Hugs,
Marsha

Marsha, I certainly appreciate your honesty.

You’re definitely on the right track and I hope you continue to divulge yourself. I’m enjoying this thread very much as you reveal Marsha the person.

Eventually, I’d appreciate how you arrived at your epiphany - or the set of circumstances enabling you to take the Giant leap from closeted CD directly to a TS - bypassing an androgynous or open CD stage. Did you always know?

Also, during the hormone treatments there must have been some interesting surprises during your transition – some good and bad. Relating some of these changes – mental and emotional as well as physical may enable myself and others an appreciation of the differences between CD and TS.

Hopefully your honest and thoughtful input may help myself and others struggling with these issues identify their own status.
I, for one, am confused about my personal status. I would have been perfectly happy to have been born a woman and feel I’ve probably always been a TS that has settled for a CD lifestyle. In the past, I’ve even suppressed my TG feelings - only to eventually become empty and somewhat emotionless, so that isn’t an option I care to revisit. But enough about me…maybe I’ll reciprocate and do an evolution of Jennifer thread someday.

Thanks,
Jennifer

How I arrived at my epiphany, lol, thanks for defining that. Jennifer, first off there you go again with the CD to TS thing. I never considered myself CD, I feel I was born TS. Nonetheless you are asking how did I go from someone who hid their circumstances straight to living TS I presume without at least living androgynous for awhile, and did I always know?

I thought as a kid that I should have been a girl, but I didn’t really even know what transgender even was back then. Yeah I’m old, shutup, lol. Dressing became more of a way for me to relax until I stressed out someone might discover me. So yes I always knew I was different, but I think I was in my teens before I even heard the word transgender.

The fact is I did live androgynous for several years. At first it was hidden from everyone, underwear, cami’s under shirts. That was pre my wife knowing what was going on. A year and a half after coming out to my wife and her gaining acceptance, I went full androgynous, we emptied my closet and dresser of all men’s clothing and replaced it with androgynous women's clothing. About 5 months after that I was living fulltime as Marsha and telling everyone in my life.

That was clothing, but behind that was turmoil in my life. Early on with my original therapist we came up with a plan to basically transition right in front of everyone and my goal was to gain my wife’s acceptance. Leading up to telling her I went through the emotional wreck stage I mentioned earlier. When my marriage began to unravel after telling my wife, I did try to live a duel life. Here is a blog entry from that time:
Dec 3rd 2006 - 12:59PM Sunday,
I have realized that for me my family is the most important thing in my life, without them I could never be happy and I think that is all any of us ever want to be, is happy. I will always be TS, always be Marsha. I have only been at TW for a couple months so most of you here don't know Marsha's long history. There are happy times in that history, and that is where I am taking Marsha back to. But I plan on going back to where Marsha and Mark coexisted in the past, where I can be a husband to my wife, a father to my children. The gals at TW have been so good to me and supported me through some real tough times, I will need your support through this one.

The duel life did not last long and I ended up just slowing the pace of transition.
Hugs,
Marsha

I think the effects of hormones are way overrated. Yes I have full B-cup breasts, smooth skin, weight redistribution and massive muscle mass loss. But I think it is like Lucy stated in her recent forum thread, we are born a woman in a man’s body. The hormones helped with the body changes, but mentally I think there are fewer effects. Maybe heightened emotions and mood swings. I don’t think anyone here has seen me go through a mood swing, do ya think? Sorry about that. I always cried, even into adulthood but hormones must of expanded my tear ducts and I can now out cry most anyone. One of my wife’s favorite sayings is “What are you crying about now?”

Jennifer brought up there must have been some interesting surprises because of the hormones. My job involves going into customers attics at times. Doesn’t sound like that big of a deal but I live in the south with 95F average days heating attics up to the 130F range. Definitely hot, now throw in a hot flash that causes your entire body to breakout in a massive sweat zapping you of every bit of energy you had because of the hormones. Balanced on ceiling rafters you can’t do anything but hold on until it passes. Along the same lines try waking up in a smelly soaking wet bed because sometime during the night you had a hot flash. Now toss in that happened early on when I was getting my hormones balanced and before my wife knew what was going on.

Now for the people who think it would be neat to have boobs thinking they can just hide them from the world. I had a customer say to me after I told her what was going on with me that while watching me work the previous year, she thought how strange it was that I was getting “man boobs” when I am a relatively skinny person. On the next visit she realized that I had something going on using her own words. Others told me they figured me out 3 years before I told them. And others told me they always thought I was very feminine. Go figure with what I’ve been called here, lol. So you may think you are fooling everyone but chances are you are not fooling them all. The best part of my life now is I don't have to hide anything from anyone.

Hugs,
Marsha

I have nothing to hide, no worries of being discovered, I am at peace with who I am.
Hugs,
Marsha

Marsha

Just a quick note to say - Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Jeri

HI Marsha,

Thank you for sharing... The real transformation was looking at your posts for
the last year and the woman you have blossomed into..

Best Regards and hugz from a sister,

MichelleLynn

HI Marsha,

Thank you for sharing... The real transformation was looking at your posts for
the last year and the woman you have blossomed into..

Best Regards and hugz from a sister,

MichelleLynn

Mere, at the pace my politics are changing I would have to say, don't stay up waiting. But actually my politics have changed somewhat through my transition. Either in this thread or another recent one I mentioned how my understanding of others like gays and lesbians, blacks and other minorities, Jews and others, has changed over the years. Along with that has been my political support to encourage legislation that honestly helps these people. So I have become more liberal on social issues.

Somewhat like anarchy I believe some are too dependent on government and have basically created a monster with expectations gov't will take care of them. Many now believe they are "entitled" to a prosperous life without doing anything for it. All I can say to that is someone has to pay for it. That leads into I am extremely fiscally conservative. I despise the pork barrel spending which is simply used to buy votes back home. I believe government spending should work the same as my bank account, if you don't have the money, you can't spend it.

However, unlike anarchy, I believe government needs to be in place to take care of those who seriously cannot take care of themselves. Anarchy relies on a Utopian society to take care of each other and I don't see that happening in the real world.

Hugs and thanks for your comment,
Marsha

I received a link today to a San Francisco Chronicle story that mentions a transgender couple which just happens to be my wife and I. The writer is the niece of a friend of ours at church and she was visiting Savannah for the first time. The story does a great job talking about the community and church I belong to so I thought it would make a great addition to this forum thread for those curious about my life.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi[...]d=61261

Hugs,
Marsha

Thank you Marsha for sharing with us; I admire your openness.

I'd like to chime in a little on Jennifer's inquiry:

Also, during the hormone treatments there must have been some interesting surprises during your transition – some good and bad. Relating some of these changes – mental and emotional as well as physical may enable myself and others an appreciation of the differences between CD and TS.

What Marsha said about the emotional swings, I can certainly identify with that! Although I wasn't one to cry or otherwise show my emotions before taking hormones; I had my emotions so internalized, that I had to learn to feel them, learn to express them. I had to teach myself that yes I could ride the emotional roller-coaster and let it out! I could let myself be happy, and cry when I felt like crying. That took a few years.

Within the first two weeks of starting hormone therapy, I experience the most profound sensation. The constant turmoil and confusion that was in all my thoughts every minute of every hour I was awake, they soon faded away. All that noise was gone; I knew at that time, I had done exactly what I needed to do. Prior to starting hormones, when I was still trying to figure out exactly who I was, and where I was going, I asked a girlfriend that had completed her physical transition, "How would I know if hormones are right for me?" She replied, "One way, would be to get your doctor to prescribe them to you. Within a couple of weeks, you'll know if it's right for you; you will know." What else can I say? She was right.

Disclaimer: Your mileage may vary.

Nicole

Thank you Maggie. I think transgender is all about exploring and finding who you really are. Sometimes what you find is not what you want, or maybe I should say what you were not looking for. I think each of us stumbles along the way until we come upon the path that is right for us. Don't look at it as practicing to be that person you want to be, but instead practice at just being yourself. Best wishes and I'm looking forward to seeing your new photo.
Hugs,
Marsha

Thank you Nicole. I think as Marsha has matured through transition, that I have reached a point where things have kind of plateaued. I see that as a good thing where now I take far more in stride without having quite the emotional reactions I have had along the way. Some may disagree based on forum thread responses, but in my day to day living I am at peace with myself. You mention a friend telling you to give it a try and after a week you will just know. Obviously that is hard to explain, but so true.

I appreciate you and Maggie bringing this thread back up and I will likely read through it again. It is a humbling experience.

Hugs,
Marsha

Marsha,

Are you aware that you referred to yourself "in the third-person"? It's perfectly okay to do so, especially when you're trying to distinguish between past and present.

Not picking on you at all, I wasn't sure if you meant to or not.

I used to do that too. Particularly in discussions about my past and present. After I would do that, I'd think to myself, "This person must think I'm schizophrenic." I don't think I do that any more.

Yes Nicole, I actually did that knowing full well what I was doing. And just as you pointed out, I did it purposely to distinguish my new life as Marsha from my past. Actually as I did it I thought to myself "Will somebody point it out?" Thank you for understanding and pointing it out the way you did.
Hugs,
Marsha

I never dreamed I would have so many people in my life that mean so much to me. Today I came in contact with several and of course starting off with my wife who said to me this morning "I think I will keep you around." Simple but full of meaning. Next was my doctor for my 6 month checkup. I did the labs last week so he would have the results to discuss with me. Turns out my labs were great and I'm in good health. We also discussed my SRS in December and the tests required before the surgery. He also had the letter for me so I can now get a permanent female passport instead of a temporary one. I then headed off to work and my first job was for this rather elderly gal that has taken incredibly good care of herself and looks fantastic. I don't want to even guess her age because I would probably be insulting, lol. But she was fantastic to me and offered numerous suggestions to help me look better such as highlights in my hair and more eye definition. Next was a letter from my youngest son, the one that just went into the Marines. He addressed it to me instead of his mother and that in itself meant a great deal to me. BTW, he is doing well and enjoying it even though he gets yelled at a lot, lol. Then came the hospital visit to see my friend John. He is in the Trauma Intensive Care Unit on a respirator. He is dieing of liver disease and it is hard to say how much longer he has. I have gone to visit him everyday although he likely doesn't know it, however today he did open his eyes some for the first time. I just talk and cry, letting him know that he is not alone. He was one of the first people to know and become a friend of Marsha. He never met Mark. We received the monthly church newsletter today and listed among family and friends to pray for was my friend John. I don't know who gave them the information, likely another friend.

Last Sunday morning there was a terrible auto wreck where a teen was killed and two went to the hospital, one in critical condition in a room near John's. For days the waiting room was packed with friends of the 17 year old boy. Yesterday an hour before I arrived to visit John, this boy died. I didn't know it at that time and it was apparent the word hadn't yet made it to those kids waiting outside. The hospital chaplain recognized me and took me directly to John's room as to avoid possibly the expected somber scene outside. I read in today's paper the boy had died and there would be a candlelight vigil at the high school for the two who had died.

Also yesterday my friend Dina who was driving back from a vacation in Florida called to wish my wife and I a happy 32nd anniversary. And another friend who had moved to Arizona was headed back here for the summer to work and called to say he heard about John and hoped we could get together when he got into town.

That is a lot of people, lots of stuff, lots of friends. I wouldn't be where I am today without these people in my life. Transitioning has changed my life in more ways than just gender. Don't ever underestimate the value of having friends in your life.

Hugs,
Marsha

Does this go in my blog or in my evolution, maybe both. My friend John passed away this morning after the medical team had a conference call with John's boys. There would be no recovery, no quality of life so they removed him from the respirator. The nurse told me he quietly passed. John was one of the people who knew me early on in my transition and we just hit it off as friends. He would go out of his way to help me and he hated seeing me do things he considered to be guy things. Tuesday nights were our night to go out and we didn't miss many opportunties. And of course there was our camping expedition when John took me to my first NASCAR auto race in Atlanta last year. The past year was tough on John, he was out of work, and his health was deteriorating. Last September my wife and I had him move in with us so he would not be homeless and he ended staying for 6 months. He has a lot to do with the woman I am today.

Hugs John, thank you for all you did for me. I will sure miss you.
Love,
Marsha

Marsha,

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Real friends who touch and help shape our lives are rare.

Hugs,

Judith.

Marsha, I'm so sorry for your loss. You two looked really happy there. Baseball game?

Someone said that transgirls all have the same story with different details. I saw myself in many of your struggles to find Marsha. It's in our struggles to find ourselves that we become the women we need to be.

Cheers to you, girl. Cheers to us all.

Actually that picture was taken at a NASCAR race in Atlanta, Georgia last year. And yes it is amazing how many of our stories share so many similarities. My wife did not accept what was going on with me at first. Then she followed a news story and read the comments made from other TS's. She then came to me and said she now understands and how she also was amazed at the similarities.
Hugs,
Marsha

My current personal battle is to get my passport with female gender. The U.S. Department of State seems to be splitting hairs over what is required in the letter from my doctor in order for me to get the passport with female gender. So I thought I would try having my Congressman assist me and what a surprise I got. I wrote a letter to the editor of the local paper and it will be interesting to see if they print it. This is the kind of stuff we still battle in the U.S., hopefully one day there will be no need to fight these things. Here is what I wrote:

Congressman fails to represent

I visited Congressman Jack Kingston’s office Wednesday to try and get assistance on a passport issue. I am transsexual and whether anyone agrees or disagrees with that is not the issue here, or maybe it is. On June 10, 2010 the U.S. Department of State released new procedures allowing for passports to be issued for transgender individuals to obtain a passport with the gender that they live as. Prior to this the procedure provided for a temporary passport. As soon as I told the staff member at Jack Kingston’s office that I was transgender and was having a problem with having my passport issued, he quickly stated I needed to go to court for that, which happens to be totally incorrect. I will end up getting my passport with the correct information, which is not the problem, the problem is when I told the staff member that no I did not need to go to court, that there was a procedure for this, he refused to even look at any of the Department of State paperwork I had brought with me. He showed absolutely no interest in helping me at all and the only thing he would say is “You need to go to court for that.” Simple courtesy and assistance seeing what I actually needed and maybe directing me to those who could help would have been the thing to do. Jack Kingston’s staff is an extension of him. Jack Kingston was elected to represent all of us, not just the people he likes.

Hugs,
Marsha

Will it only took 10 days but in this morning's paper was my letter to the editor regarding my passport issue. The letter will also be appearing in the September issue of our local LGBT newsletter. It will be interesting to see if I get any response. The Saturday paper is probably the least read, but hey, nonetheless there will be some who read it. The newspaper retitled it "Transgender constituent gets brush-off" I kind of like that title and it should draw some looks.

Hugs,
Marsha

I figured the Saturday morning paper would get few readers, but the response at church this morning was beyond belief. Before and after church services people were coming up to me and saying how great of a letter it was and how it was important things like this are made public. Maybe more amazing is how many people know who I am. I am pretty blessed to have such an accepting church family.

Along the same lines, the letter to the editor was available online and there was a comment section. There were numerous comments, but none about my letter. Realize that there were a few other letters published that day and one was based on a murder death penalty case that has been going on for 20 years now. The thing is, online posters can post in complete anonymity and often make the most offensive and rude comments. I was very pleased to see no one posted anything negative about my letter. I see that as progress for our community.

Hugs,
Marsha

That really is great Marsha. As a member of that Internet borne generation, I know how many anonymous jerks will post anything, as horrible as they possibly can, sometimes only to get a reaction out of everyone. It's great that yours was held in such respect, and I'm glad that your church is so open, because I know a few that aren't.
I can only wish you that things stay great ^^

All the love,
-Angela

Finally. I've been checking my passport status online several times a day for weeks now hoping for some kind of news other than just saying it was "processing". Today was the day. Here is what the status said:

U.S. Passport Application Status

Thank you for submitting your application for a U.S. passport book!
Your passport application is in the final processing stages.
Your passport application locator number is xxxxxxxxxx.
When you applied, you requested Routine Service.
This means you should receive your passport on or about 09/19/2010.

This is another burden being lifted from my shoulders. It won't be completely gone until I have the passport in my hands, but it is a huge relief to know the time is near.

Hugs,
Marsha

I find all this fascinating stuff and,Marsha-your'e looking fantastic!Cogratulations,Ma'am.I think the latter a charming American usage and it's a pity that in my country that it's solely used for living anachronisms like our monarch!
Seriously,i wonder if I seem a little naive-and maybe i've said this before but while respecting Marsha's sincere expression of her TS nature from the start I am in the position of 'almost' accepting that theres' no shame in being CD-and yet I feel the compulsion to 'move on'-here being the conundrum.I do not wish to change my sexual orientation(such that it is)-so logically feel like the great Eddie Izzard,that i am a male Lesbian.At the same time I cannot honestly say that I was alwas 'Nina' inside and nor ,to be ruthlessly honest could I denie some sexual 'charge' or 'Frisson' when dressing-at least initially.
To get to the point-is there a space for 'In-betweeners' in the TG world as the whole spectum of gender fascinates me(with a bit of mild BDSM ) thrown in.Is it possible that I could intensify my journey into 'womanhood' and yet stop at some stage where I felt it appropriate.This is happily urgent now as I have been granted some counselling on our Health Service and will have to answer some tough questions for which i can't give a clear answer as yet.
Hoping this doesn't confuse you gals-glad to be back,by the way-missed you all very much-xxxxxx

Thank you for the kind comments Nina. You asked if there is space for in-betweeners in the TG world and I most certainly think so. Often you will hear gals talking about this being a spectrum but everyone seems to easily go back to CDs and TSs. I think you can say a stealth TS anchors one end of the spectrum, but honestly I don't know just who would anchor the other end. I am obviously a proud to be out transsexual, so I see that as being different from a stealth TS. I think the middle is a good safe location for many TGs and it is when they venture to far one way or the other they find themselves in uncomfortable water. I wish you the best finding the life that is best for Nina.
Hugs,
Marsha

It's in my hands. Today I received my U.S. passport with female gender. What a great feeling. Another burden off my shoulders.
Hugs,
Marsha

SRS is now 5 weeks from today. I had the required preop chest Xrays, EKG, and labs done on Monday, picked up the results yesterday and emailed them to Dr. Chettawut. This morning I received a reply from Dr. Chettawut saying everything was good and he gave me a list of what to do when I arrive at the airport in Bangkok.

Everything that had to be done is done. Now the hard part, waiting for 9 December. I think I'm going to cry.

Hugs,
Marsha

Give yourself a hug, babe. December 9 will be here before you know it. Plus you are getting the bestest Christmas present ever...EARLY!! Stop stressing and do a silly dance. It will all be over in a moment.

Z

Great news and what a great thread. Thanks so much for sharing. I am firmly in the CD camp but it is really interesting to know more about the community that I have finally realised I am part of.

Thank you Zoey and Chrissy. I've enjoyed doing this thread because it is about my life, not my opinions which often are controversial. It is amazing how fast time has gone, now only 4 weeks til surgery day. I've done so much in preparation, yet new little things like learning how to make international phone calls seem to crop up on a daily basis. I've also made arrangements for my customers to be taken care of while I'm away and I have recorded the voice message that will play on my phones.

As a member of the board of directors for a local LGBT organization, I am finding myself getting deeper and deeper involved in our local community. Just over two months into the position, I am involved in membership, social functions and fund raising. According to others who have been on the board in the past, our current board has already accomplished more than what other boards have done in years past, so that is positive for everyone in our community.

In a reply to another thread here I mentioned I already had plenty on my plate of things to do. This past Monday while I was being interviewed for a book, hang on lol, the pastor from my church called me. I haven't a clue where he got my cell phone number, but he called to ask me if I would be a trustee for the church. What an honor to be thought of for a position like that at a church the size of ours. I did ask for time to think it over and later that evening after speaking with my wife, I called him to accept the position.

As for being interviewed for a book, the book is not about me. At times I have mentioned another TG gal at my church. The gal that dresses like a hooker. One of our church members is a writer and has had a couple books published in the past. She is writing a biography about this other TG gal and wanted to interview me so she would have a better understanding of transsexuals which would obviously contrast this other gals life.

My life seems to be changing rapidly. With that I have to admit I am not sure where the online community will fit in my future. I've never had so many friends before in my life, both online and in person. I have traveled to meet others, and others have traveled to meet me. I came to Trannyweb because I was so alone. I am not alone anymore.

Thank you especially to those who had a part in my personal growth during the past four years here at TW/GS. I wish you all well.

Hugs,
Marsha

Marsha, it's really going to happen ehh ................ Hey, I'm thrilled for ya ! I'm also happy you were chosen as a possible leader within you're church and a book no less ! Ihave to tell, ya , I wish I could come down to Georga and have lunch and jus chat as to where ya may go after you come back to the states as a "Famous New Person !!!!!!!!!!!!! " ellen

A number of people asked that I journal about my upcoming SRS starting now. In someways I think I already have started doing that in this thread so I will just add to it here with a little more frequency.

I am now only 18 days away from flying to Bangkok. I have never left North America so this will be more than just a surgery, it will be a trip of a lifetime for me. Scheduling of the SRS, flights and hotel reservations have already been taken care of. Last night my wife signed the spousal consent form that Dr. Chettawut requires from his married patients. Although she knew about the form and signed it without a problem, I'm sure there are thoughts going through her head wondering "what if?" She has been by my side throughout this journey so to say I am fortunate is an understatement at best. Today I made sure my bank cards will work while I am in Thailand. It is not a question whether they take Visa or Master Charge, but whether or not my bank would think my card was stolen or something. So my travel plans are all setup with the banks now.

While going through the credit card stuff I decided to take care of my name change on a store card I seldom use but had never gotten around to changing my name on. Amazingly enough all it took was a phone call. I did not even have to fax my certified court order to them.

The other thing I have been working on lately is sorting out what bills will come due while I am away. Most my bills are paid automatically and I can just schedule the payment ahead of time, but there are still the neanderthal businesses that make things difficult and require you to mail a check. What a pain. I've been doing pretty good getting my November and December work scheduled so I'm not too stressed over that.

Tomorrow would be my normal estradiol injection day, but because of the surgery I was required to stop injection a month ahead of surgery. I will be taking the oral and anti-androgen for another week so hopefully I won't get too moody in the upcoming days.

I just added another thing to my list of things to do, I colored my hair tonight and while I was looking in the mirror I noticed I was getting a number of darker hairs on my upper lip. So hopefully I can setup a laser appointment before I head off to Thailand.

Hugs,
Marsha

imagine waking up and instead of being one day closer to surgery, you were two days closer to surgery. I got a letter from Dr. Chettawut this morning asking if he could move it up a day. Of course I replied yes. So SRS is now scheduled for 8 December.
Hugs,
Marsha

Brilliant news.

That's so awesome, Marsha. It goes without saying that we fully expect pictures of Bangkok, with you smilin' and stuff...

Z

"December 8th , 2010 , a day which will stay forever within Ms Marsha's head...................... a day which will live forever .......... a day which will forever be a life changing event ............. ellen

"December 8th , 2010 , a day which will stay forever within Ms Marsha's head...................... a day which will live forever .......... a day which will forever be a life changing event ............. ellen

"...a day which will live...hmmm...what's the opposite of infamy?" LOL

I don't know what the opposite is but I remember Kenneth Williams playing Julius Caesar in "Carry On Cleo" shouting "Infamy! Infamy! oooooh the've all got it infamy!" during the assassination scene.

I leave for Bangkok two weeks from today. Yesterday I wired transferred the final balance due for the surgery, so all that is left now is to show up for the party, lol. My wife is a little concerned for me going through airport security because of all the news lately on intrusive body searches. LOL, I just figure I will tell them I'm carrying an extra package with me that won't be coming back on the return trip. Actually to make her happy I am carrying my letter from the doctor that was used for my female passport and states that I am TS. The airport here is small so getting through security has never been an issue. My international connection is in Chicago and I have a 3+ hour layover so that should easily accommodate customs and any additional security.

Preparing my business for my time away has gone much easier than I had expected. I have been able to contact nearly all of my December customers and either service their homes this month or have made plans to take care of them in January.

Next is to sort through the paperwork that I need to take with me. Original copies of stuff like my psych referral letter and the preop medical tests I did a couple weeks ago, instructions on what to do when I get to the Bangkok airport, phone numbers, all that good stuff. I need to seriously look at what I'm taking with me as far clothes. I'm going to a warm climate so that will allow me to pack lightweight clothing. Because my wife and I are traveling separate, I'm wondering if the suitcases we have will be adequate.

And something else that seriously needs to be done this weekend is I have to sit down with my wife and go over her travel arrangements and what needs to get down around here prior to her leaving. At least one of our adult sons will be staying at the house so that makes things easier like taking care of the dogs while we are away.

Meanwhile, life goes on and there is yard work and housecleaning to get done today . We will be attending a silent auction along with a show this evening and church tomorrow.

Hugs,
Marsha

Marsha, jus send yer dogs up here to me in Richmond to stay temporarily. They can stay in the back as I have a large fenced yard . Besides , I like dogs anyway............ ellen

Somehow I think you are serious Ellen. One of my 3 sons still lives at home so part of earning his keep will be to take care of the dogs. You never asked how many and if you knew we had four your response may very well have been different, lol. Two are small dogs, a pug and miniature schnauzer, they are the worst, smelly and noisy. The large dogs, a husky/German shepherd mix and a hound are pretty good overall. We also have great neighbors who help us out with the dogs when needed and the good side of that is the dogs know them so they won't rip them to shreds if they come over. But I do thank you for the offer, I know you like to help others whenever possible.
Thanks again,
Marsha

Just like that surgery is two weeks from today. I'm hoping I have taken care of everything that needs to get done before I leave. I think now all I need to do is figure out what I will pack and which suitcase I should take. I will be there nearly a month so the question is do I take the big suitcase so I can have plenty of room should I do a lot of shopping, or do I take the smaller one that will likely fit everything I need to take. Then of course there is what bag to carry on. I don't really want to be burdened down with a lot to tote around the airports. I'm thinking something large enough to carry my netbook computer, a book or two, my slippers for comfort, a sweater if the plane is cold, and my paperwork. A regular sized carry on suitcase would probably be too large, but something on wheels would be nice because carrying a bag with books gets old quickly.

It is really looking like my friend from Kentucky will be going. She is a community college teacher and still has to work out final exams with her classes but is looking at arriving a day or two after my surgery. It would be nice to have the company and it will allow me to keep my hotel room while in the hospital because we will be able to share expenses.

I've also been getting various friends added to my online email, messenger and Skype so I can stay in touch with the world. All my December customers are now accounted for whether they will renew their service before I leave or in January after I get back. I'm also chatting with my friend Sarah who is having her SRS later this afternoon with Dr. Chettawut. I'm looking forward to hearing from her, then meeting her in person in a couple weeks.

hugs,
Marsha

Thank you Lucy, and thanks for the tips. Dr. Chettawut does not want you out wandering the streets for at least 10-12 days after surgery, which will work out fine because my wife will not arrive until 12 days after surgery. I don't want to pop any stitches. I do hope one day we can meet in person, maybe even in Thailand. Is the country big enough for both of us, lol. I expect there will be changes in my life afterward and instead of guessing what they may be I think I will just try and make the best of each situation as it arises. Thanks so much again.
Hugs,
Marsha