Hello, Everybody! I came out to my wife recently. I thought it was going smoothly but a couple of days ago she busted out crying and telling me all her fears all at once. Let me back up. A few weeks ago I asked her if she would buy me a bra. She didn't really understand or agree with it but told me she would. Turned out she didn't so I bought my own sports bra. I was trying to take things slowly (or so I thought), and then about a week ago I sent her an article/letter/info that I found in one of the posts about coming out to a wife. I thought she was ok and then she started crying and said she hadn't slept good for 3 days and was afraid about what was going to happen to me, etc. I tried to reassure her that I wasn't gay, wasn't going to get a sex change, was still going to be a good husband, etc. Then I asked her to take a walk with me and we talked. She isn't real good at opening up and talking out her fears and thoughts. I guess I'm the bold one. I think she's going to be ok but time will tell. I told her I thought maybe I'd been repressing this my whole life and didn't want to repress it again. I'm not going to go public with it but would like to at least be more open with her about it. I am grateful for the support I've gotten from this website and all the caring people on it. Thanks!! Let me know if you have any advice. I could use it.

Hi Jenny, I think Meredith said it right, don't force the issue. I know for us it is a huge burden off our shoulders to stop having to hide this. As your relief builds, your wife is now saying to herself, "my husband is not the man I married." With good intentions you are probably trying to help her understand what is going on. My experience is it doesn't work that way. In essence all you end up doing is piling on uncertainty to your wife. She needs time to digest things that have already been said. Give her plenty of time for that before you attempt to load more on her shoulders. Chances are if you give her time she will become the one asking questions. Then make sure you have answers.
Hugs,
Marsha

Hugs Jenny

Please give your wife some time to wrap her head and heart around what you have told her. After carrying your secret for so many years, I am sure you feel some relief by getting it off your chest – your wife on the other hand has just started to help you carry this load so give her a chance to get a good grip on it.

I am sure she is scared. You have kept this from her for a long time and she is probably wondering what else you have kept from her. All you can do now is be there and be honest with her about everything.

Jeri

Thanks, Meredith for the advice, support, and book suggestions. I appreciate you. Thx!

Hi, Marsha Ann!
Thanks for the advice and support. I've taken yours and the others advice and haven't been pushing it lately. She seems lke she's doing ok and has told me she's sleeping better now. Thx!

Thanks, Countess Jeri!
I appreciate your advice. Your words make sense to me. Time will tell if wifey will be ok but she seems to be doing well so far. She is sleeping better now. Seeya!!

Thanks, Nikki! You're a beautiful person.

Hi Jenny one thing that helped my wife come to terms with me being TG was , After "The Chat" I let her tell her best friend, Now make sure she tells a friend you can trust!!! This really helped. It took alot of the burden off her and it gave her some one to bitch about me to (This Helps!!) Best of luck and hold in there. "O" and DON'T get defensive this just makes them madder just listen to what she has to say and don't reply" I don't know " Have an answer you owe her that much.

Thanks, Renee' !
I will keep that in mind although that scares me (telling the best friend). I'll think about it. Seeya!

Hi, Meredith!
I got the "My Husband Betty" book and am reading it. I showed it to my wife and told her she was welcome to read it also
but as of yet I don't think she did. I'm about halfway thru it and it seems to be a high quality book packed with info. Thanks for the suggestion! Seeya!

Jenny, I hope you are not expecting the book "My Husband Betty" to only say good things about transgender people. Like you I bought it thinking it might be a good way to introduce my wife to transgender. You mentioned you are about halfway through it, the last half points out many of the pitfalls of being transgender such as the CD'r might just decide he/she needs to go further. You need to know the answers for that kind of stuff BEFORE she asks you about it. After I read the book I put it away for more than a year before showing it to my wife, and that was only after she was already accepting me as being TS. I suggest you read faster. I'm sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear.
Hugs,
Marsha

I can't really give you any advice, never having been in your position. I can only say that I think that it's better to be honest about yourself to those you love. I stopped lying to my family a long time ago and thankfully they accept me as a girl. To my four older sisters I'm Janis their "wee sister". And my late Mum was very proud of her youngest daughter.
It hasn't been all plain sailing though, my Dad just couldn't handle the fact that his son preferred being a girl and I also lost some friends which was very upsetting.
Perhaps you could let your wife have a look at this site to let her see that we're not perverts or freaks, it could be helpful.
I hope things go well for both of you.

Hiya,

I believe communication is a huge factor in success. No one can tell where this will go for you both but talking about it and understanding eachother I would think would go a long way to overcoming the difficulties by talking about options to problems and then spending time thinking about it. Also another point I would like to say is that whatever you agree on one day doesnt have to be set in stone, its a work in progress and changable.

I tried my best with my family but after a year of them seemingly sweeping it under the carpet, out of sight out of mind, it kind of blew up and now I havent spoken to my mum, dad and sister for over a year. but with that, my family was never a close one and what communication we did have they spent it talking at me and not trying to work things through.

I wish you every success.
Love
Penny
x

Hi Jenny. I hope things are still going as well as can be for you both. It is a hard shock for your wife, who thought she knew you, to discover this side of you. I do admire you for telling her as I believe that is the morally correct thing to do, I don't advocate dishonesty between partners.

Please bear in mind that you have had a long, long time to come to terms with being transgendered, but your wife has essentially had this bombshell dropped on her overnight, it can be an awful lot to deal with and to question your sexuality, your relationship and your future together is perfectly normal. She will have stereotypes of what a TG person is and needs to know that you are the same person as she married, it's just that the packaging might change from time to time.

I would advise that you take this nice and slowly and at a pace to suit your wife, not one to suit you. Allow her the chance to deal with one thing at a time so she is comfortable about the situation. It can be a difficult time for her and a frustrating one for you as now that you have told her, you may want to bring it more into the open, but it is better to move only as fast or slow as your wife allows. Too much too soon may end up being destructive.

It may well be worthwhile reading the S/O's forum and the coming out forum to see if there is any useful information on those that might help to alleviate any fears and concerns that your wife has.

Best wishes.

Nikki

Hiya Jenny.

Where do I begin? not ever having been in your position, so perhaps my advice ideas will bear no relevance.

All the others have given you excellent advice, as expected from people who share our small world. BUT firstly while your wife is coming to terms with it, you realy have to take a step back and evaluate just what you want, how far you wish to go. You say you have no wish to venture out, is that honest? Will you be content to just dress on occasions if she lets you? It might be just accepted on a basis of don't do it in front of me. Do you have children at home, she will be concerned about that as well.

While I do feel for you, your wife married a MAN, at the moment she is coming to terms with your not all man and is probably paranoid about the sterotype gay man in a dress. Is she at the what will the neighbours say stage. were you just being honest or was there the ultimate motive of hoping she will accept it and you can live the life? I don't know you, but whatever happens don't be tempted to borrow or use any of her clothes, makeup etc. now that can cause more problems than the actual coming out..

You have come out to your wife, have you fully come out to yourself?

I sincerely hope it works out for you, quite a few realationships do, some very lovely example here on The Gender society..

Cristine

Jenny, check out this link for a TG convention in Philadelphia at the end of April.

http://www.transeventsusa[...]iberty/

The educational presentations include:

The Ten Worst Fears of the Wives of Crossdressers
Dr. Sandra Samons

Navigating Your Way in a TG Relationship
Dottie Laing

as well as classes to build your feminine skills.

also
http://www.eriesisters.org/ in November

and
http://www.transcentralpa[...]one.htm which you just missed this years event, in March 2010.

Many events have a wives program included.

Well Shaun came out  and told me 11yrs ago and boy i try ever day to love him and no what  he is feeling .Same times i think i know and then i don,t no if i ever will .All i know is i love him and will naver stop loving him .But sametime,s i just would like to no more and cant ask i just don,t no my self i fell lost at time,s .I,m the only one that know,s and i have no one to talk to but him  same times i fell i need a out and don,t have one .Shaun Wife

Jenny,

     First...i hope all is well with you..

 

Now here is some advice I can give to you...As many others have mentioned, this has been weighing on your mind for awhile and you have had some time to do some research...As a significant other myself, I know exactly the feelings your wife is feeling...I am sure she does love you..but to us, it is a bit overwhelming...You feel a sense of relief that finally this "secret" is finally not such a burden. You are excited about seeing how far this is going to take you...maybe as far as SRS and full time womanhood...We have our own questions and yes.."society driven" doubts. Are we lesbians if we stay? What role do we now play in your life? Here's a big one...Are YOU going to be more feminine than the GG in the relationship? It kind of makes us question our own feminity, our own insecurities... That I believe is normal...

 

The best advice I have....find a good Gender therapist...and invite her to go with you...I remember the first few times Lindsey and I went...there were tears each time...but those tears need to be shed and those issues need to be addressed...Insecurities, hopes, dreams and fears need to be discussed, and having a compassionate and knowledgable therapist there as a third party is a must. Then, she may want to seek some counseling of her own.

 Let me ask you a question? And please, do not take any offense or if she is reading this don't allow her to...But, before you came out to her, was she already an insecure person....how was her self confidence? Now I will tell you why I ask...I myself have suffered from depression, anxiety, and very low self esteem...Since Lindsey has started her journey, I have realized that in order for me to be supportive and compassionate, there are things I need to do..I need to take care of me...I now work out, pursue things I like to do....I took a step back and analysed my own feminity and how I present myself...for awhile being that I had no self confidence I did not care what I wore or how much weight I gained...Lindsey's transition has helped me to set goals and pursue a better life for both of us...There are going to be days  she is going to have to be the strong one...there are days I have to tell Lindsey to pull up her big girl panties, and march on in her "man" world until the goals we are attempting to complete are successfully completed. Your wife is going to end up, if she stays, being your best friend, and there are times she is going to have to be honest with you and tell you how it is...Second thing that helped me is getting educated...There are alot of good internet sites, books, and support groups out there...This is a major corner to turn in life, it is not one that can be taken lightly or without knowledge...and the third thing to be done...well the public needs to be educated...The lack of knowledge=ignorance and we all know that ignorance is not an excuse...but people use it as an excuse...

Hope it helps...