My Story

    • 140 posts
    June 8, 2010 4:40 AM BST
    Here's MY story....WEEKENDS AT CONNIE’S


    At the age of 5, I realized something was different about me.
    I knew I was not the same person inside that I was outside.
    Not having the intelligence at that point to explain, I just went along with that knowledge and just accepted what I knew.
    What I knew was that I was a GIRL! Everyone else was telling me I was a BOY, and I just knew they were wrong!
    That didn’t stop the feelings inside that I should act and dress as a girl. I WAS smart enough to realize doing that would bring me no end of grief, so I kept it to myself. I don’t know whether I had told anyone else at that point, but for some reason I knew to keep it to myself.
    The problem, I couldn’t STOP wanting to be that girl! Why was it so hard for others to see that? It was as obvious as the morning sun! At least to ME! My mother knew, since I would play dress up with my sister and brother and I was ALWAYS the mom! But not just your average dress up game, oh no! I would put on my sister’s
    training bra, panties, hose, garter belt and stockings. Not to leave out the heels and house coat. My mother saw it and after her initial shock, giggled and though it was kind of cute. She also admonished me to “Never let your father see you like that, He’d kill you!”
    I knew she was right, he was one of the OLD SCHOOL types and
    an alcoholic on top of that! I am sure there would have been a little
    mound of dirt in the back yard with no marker and an excuse for
    my disappearing would have been thought out.
    We had a huge flowering bush in the front yard and it grew out and up and then folded over and formed kind of an umbrella shape, which left a LOT of room inside of it and no one could see under it, though I could see out if I crawled under it and sat there. Often I would take some of my sister’s old clothes and go under there and change clothes. I sit there and play house with myself and dream about being a girl. Things kind of went like that until one day of March 1966 my father had a stroke! He lasted 4 more days and died at home. Things got worse after that. My mother had been very ill with what I found out was cancer. She wasted away on the front couch with her there moaning and groaning (from the pain) and a little boy kneeling next to her with his head in her lap trying to ask God to help her and save her from dying. She died on that couch with him still praying for her to be saved. Now there was no one.
    There WERE 5 other children, the oldest being 20. But how do you ask a 20 year old to care for 5 younger brothers and sisters! His life had only begun, in attempting that, he would have ruined his own life. Our aunt (mother’s sister) & uncle came for the funeral, expecting to see a large throng of people there, they expected to come in, pay their respects, then be gone. Instead they found 5 kids! No one else came! They decided the three youngest would then go back with them to Minnesota and live with them there until they were adults.
    They didn’t know however that the youngest had a serious problem! I, to this day do not know if my mother ever discussed it with her sister (my aunt). It wasn’t long after we arrived there that I was caught wearing some old stockings and only just them, because there were no other girls clothes to be had there.
    I suppose they thought it was just a fetish, but you don’t see
    fetishes in young children like that. Part of me thinks they should have figured it out. But, they didn’t seem to get it. I was just made to feel like a freak and sick! I don’t know if that was the intent, but that is what the outcome was. Needless to say, that didn’t help anything at all. I just felt worse, even though it didn’t change my
    desire to be a girl. I wanted to tell them, to scream it to them, but I couldn’t! So, I hid it as usual and just decided to do what I thought was the thing to do. I began to distance myself from them
    and I would find my girls clothes ELSEWHERE!
    I am still very ashamed to this day but I would steal girls clothes from clothes lines in the general area. I know now that this is fairly common to those with gender dysfunction, but it doesn’t make me any less ashamed of my doings as a child.
    One early summer morning I was walking around the neighborhood and walked through this small wooded area and
    I ended up walking into the backyard of what was obviously a woman’s house. I knew that because the clothes line was full of clothing and lingerie. I couldn’t help myself I walked under the clothing and raised my hand to feel the nylon stockings hanging there.
    Just as I was touching them I heard a voice behind me.
    “What are you doing young man?” Oh god, I had been caught!
    I froze in place, my hand still up in the air. The lady of the house had seen me from the kitchen window and came out to confront me. “You were going to steal clothes from my line weren’t you!?”
    she asked. I didn’t know what to say, I just stammered and said nothing intelligible. “You come here, I am going to call your mother!” she exclaimed. “What is your mother’s phone number?” she demanded. “My mom is dead” I replied meekly. “Then your father!” she continued. “He’s gone too” I said tears beginning to well up in my eyes. “Don’t lie to me young man, I can find out if I have to” “I am telling you the truth, I came up here to Minnesota because they died and I live with my Aunt and Uncle and when they find out about this, they are going to send me away somewhere!” The tears began to stream from my eyes. Her expression began to change and she told me to come into the house with her.
    “I don’t think your Aunt and Uncle would send you away because of this” she said and I was really crying by this time. “Oh Yes the WILL!” I replied. They know I am different and they won’t want me around when they find out about this!” I continued.
    “Sit down,” she had me sit at her kitchen table. “What do you mean DIFFERENT?” she asked. I was still crying pretty hard and she got me a tissue and I tried to wipe away the streaming tears.
    “I’m not really a boy!” I told her. “You sure look like a boy to me!” she said. “I know but inside I am a girl, something got messed up when I was born and I look like a boy but I am NOT!”
    I began to cry again. “I know if anyone else finds out they will send me to some kind of hospital for crazy people and do bad things to me!” Again I cried harder and put my head down on my arms on the table and continued to sob. I knew this was the end and I was going to “THAT PLACE!” I didn’t know what that place really was, I just knew there was one, and I was going to be sent there!
    The lady came over and put her hand on my shoulder and pulled me up and put her hand under my tear dripping chin.
    She too now had tears in her eyes and placed her hands on my cheeks, “No one is going to send you anywhere!” she tried to
    reassure me. “Yes they will!” I demanded. “How long have you been doing this?” she asked “For as long as I can remember.” I replied. “I’m really sorry, I wasn’t going to steal your things, I just wanted to feel them!” I confessed. “What is it about them the makes you want to do this?” she asked. “I don’t know, I just want to wear girl’s clothes and be a girl, I really like the feeling of girls’ clothes and I hate boys stuff.” I said. She sat down and looked at
    me, studying me and thinking. She sat there for almost 5 minutes, then she spoke “Wait here a minute” she said and then she got up and walked out of the room. I stood up and considered running out of the house, but I didn’t. I walked into the living room and began to look around. There were a lot of pictures on the walls and there were a LOT of pictures of a little girl. She was cute and I saw something familiar in the pictures. She had big brown eyes and brown hair and a pretty smile. After a couple of seconds I realized
    she looked a lot like me! I heard the lady coming down the stairs
    and I walked back into the kitchen. She came back out and had
    some clothes in her arms. She set them down on the table.
    “Here, take these clothes, they will fit you and now you won’t
    have to steal anything off of anyone else’s clotheslines, OK?”
    She set them down on the table and I could see they were girls’ clothes. I was dumbfounded! Was she playing a trick on me?
    I think she picked up on my thoughts and she said “It’s OK, I mean it, you can have them, they were my little girl’s clothes and I don’t need them anymore, you can take them.”
    “Is that your daughter in the pictures in the living room?” I asked.
    She turned and looked at the pictures and as she turned back I could see she had tears in HER eyes. “Yes” she replied flatly.
    “Oh, does she live somewhere else now?” I asked “No, she passed away in an accident while riding with her father in his truck.”
    “Did he die too?” I asked. Yes, they were both killed in the accident down in Iowa.” She took a tissue and wiped her eyes.
    “I’m sorry,” and I began to cry too. “I didn’t mean to make you cry ma’am,” “I just ….. “It’s ok dear, it was a few years ago, and it’s just that a mother never gets over losing her child.” I looked up at her and with my eyes tearing said “I could be your little girl!” I said genuinely trying to comfort her somehow. She turned and looked at me almost in shock and then back at the picture.
    “My god, you could be her sister!” she said in amazement
    as she put her hand over her mouth. “I would be a good daughter,
    I like being a girl and you would like having another daughter wouldn’t you?” “Maybe… She raised her hand for me to stop talking. I knew what she meant so I shut up.
    Finally she said “What IS your name dear?” she asked.
    “Jackie,” I replied. “Really, Jackie, not Jack?” she asked.
    “Yes, Jackie, I think someone knew and gave me a girls’ name when I was born!” I said. “Sit down Jackie,” she said.
    “Do you really know the difference between boys and girls?” she asked. “Yes, pretty much” I replied. “Well sweetheart, you are a boy and you can’t change that, at least not now.” she said.
    “But I AM a girl!” I protested, “I have ALWAYS known I am a girl and I can’t stop knowing that!” I said. “That’s why I have to do this stuff!” I said. “You live with your aunt and uncle?” she asked. “Yes, they know a little and they don’t like it either and when they find out about this, when you tell them, I will be sent away!” and I began to cry again.“I’m not going to tell anyone!” she assured me. “I gave you these things to wear and I want you to stop taking other’s things, But I won’t tell anyone about this.”
    “Where are you going to keep you things, are you going to hide them?” she asked. “I don’t know, there is an abandoned house at the end of the street, maybe I could hide them in there and no one will find out.” I said. She looked at me and I could see her mind was racing. “Why don’t you just leave them here and you can come over and get them when you want them?” she offered.
    “I could put them in your garage and then I won’t have to bother you when I get them!” I said. “No dear, you can keep them here in the house and come over and get them, they will get all mo;dy and rot away in the garage.” she said.
    “Then I could come here and change clothes and be around YOU?” I said wide eyed. “Yes Dear, you can do it here.” she said I didn’t know what to say, I just sat there with my mouth hanging open and she looked at me, smiled and said “You keep you mouth open like that and you’ll get a fly in there!” she warned. I closed my mouth and smiled pretty widely. Why was she being so nice to me all of a sudden? I realized I didn’t really care why, just that someone knew about me and didn’t think I was crazy!!!
    “Could I come over and DO stuff with you ?” I asked excitedly
    “What KIND of stuff?” she asked. “I dunno, girl stuff I guess!”
    “You mean the kinds of things little girls like to do, like tea parties,
    or doing their hair?” she asked with a surprised look on her face. My face got red, “Yeah, girl things like that” I said. “I never got to do those kinds of things with my mommy and I really miss her” I said getting all teary eyed again. “I just know she would have done that with me!” I snsisted. (she probably wouldn’t have). She came over to me and held my head to hwer stomach, “Stop crying now sweetheart, it’s OK. You can come over and you and I will do GIRL THINGS together” she said. I was elated. I didn’t know what to say, or how to thank her so I just stood up and opulled her down to me and kissed her cheek, She looked surprised and she smiled, “You really are an emotional little thing aren’t you?!”
    I just shrugged my shoulders and tipped my head as if to say
    I guess I am. “You can call me Connie, Aunt Connie would
    be best she corrected herself. “OK Aunt Connie!” I said smiling so widely that my cheeks hurt. “You should go home now and maybe you can come over tomorrow again if it’s ok with you Aunt and Uncle. Maybe you could be my little lawn boy, er, girl she corrected herself. “Then we can do “GIRL THINGS” for a little while OK?” Oh YES!, Aunt Connie I gleefully replied.
    That was the start of a wonderful relationship between Connie and I.
    I told my aunt and uncle I had a job mowing a lady’s lawn and pulling weeds and they seemed enthused that I had gotten a small summer job, so it was easy to go back to Connie’s again the next day. So I went back as promised and mowed her lawn and pulled the 2 or 3 weeds by the fence. Connie came out and brought me a glass of lemonade and we sat on the back stairs and admoired my work. “Well are you ready to do “Girl Stuff” she smiled as she asked. “Oh, YES Aunt Connie!” I replied. So we went into the house. I went into the kitchen and not knowing what to do, just stood there anticipating what was to happen next. “Well you can’t put on girl’s clothes all dirty like that, let’s go upstairs and you can take a shower first, She headed upstairs and I followed like a puppy. She went into the bathroom and started a shower for me.
    “There’s soap and shampoo and cream rinse on the shelf there make sure you gat all squeaky clean, OK?” “OK” I replied.
    I stripped down and got into the shower, wow it was HUGE!
    I had never used cream rinse before and it smelled so nice and I put it on my hair and massaged it in. After I had finished, I stepped out and found the towels. They were Very large and so soft and
    so nice! She came to the door and said “Wrap the towel around you sweetheart and come out and you can get dressed.” she directed. So, I remembered seeing other girls with the towel wrapped under their arms so I did the same thing and went out to her. “You’ve been watching the girls do that haven’t you ?” she asking smiling as she saw how I had the towel around me. I just smiled and followed her into the bedroom.
    It was a beautiful room! all feminine and lacey. I realized this was her daughter’s room and it was definitely set up for a GIRL! The bed was made up in satiny covers and the tall posts had curtains on them. The wall paper was really feminine and the dressers were white and had jewelry boxes on them. I just stood there in awe and she moved around me. She had set out a number of items for me to wear, panties and a white camisole, a little blue dress and matching anklets. There were a pair of mary jane style shoes at the end of the bed and as she finished she walked out of the room she asked, “you know how to wear all of these things, don’t you ?” she asked. “Yes Aunt Connie.” I replied. She stepped out and closed the door behind her. I couldn’t help but go over and look in the dresser. I saw a huge amount of girls’ clothing , then I pied the pantyhose. I took them out and after putting on the panties I put them on, then the ankle his and the mary janes. After about ten minutes of staring at myself in the mirror, Connie came back up and knocked on the door. “Are you dressed Jackie?” she called. “Yes Aunt Connie!” I replied. No one had ever seen me fully dressed and I had never actually had the right clothes that really FIT! I hoped she wouldn’t notice the pantyhose on me since she hadn’t actually set them out. I wasn’t sure how she would react. She came in and smiled widely “Well, aren’t you just the cutest thing!” she said. Then she noticed the pantyhose, “Did you get them yourself she asked, the pantyhose?” “Yes Aunt Connie, I really hope you don’t mind, I really think they look nice and I LOVE the way they feel on my legs!” I said hopefully. “Well, I don’t see any problem with that, I am just surprised that you know about them, or maybe I shouldn’t be!” she smiled. “Now come downstairs and we can get started doing those “Girly Things!” she smiled and took my hand. I was so nervous never having been this fully dressed in these wonderful clothes, yet she didn’t act like she was a bit surprised. It was so great!!!
    We went downstairs and into the kitchen. “I was going to bake a cake, but you probably don’t like cake DO YOU?” she asked.
    I’m thinking to myself, “Are you nuts! of COURSE I like cake! Then she smiled. “Would you like to help me bake a cake sweetie?” she asked “Sure I would!” I said. So we started making the cake. She handed me a couple of cake pans and a piece of wax paper with Crisco on it. She had me grease the pans and then she showed me how she dusted the pans with flour afterwards. Then she had some on her hands and she took a finger and put some on my nose. We both laughed and then I took it and put it on my cheeks. “Why did you do that?” she asked. “Because girls put powder on their cheeks don’t they?” I asked. “Oh, you are going to be one feminine girl you are!” she said. “I know as soon as I saw the pantyhose!” “Why do you say that Aunt Connie?” I asked.
    “Well sweetie, some girls are very feminine and some are not as feminine, and some are VERY feminine. All are fine, it’s just a difference in their personalities. “You seem to be like the last group. They are the ones that wear dresses more often, want to wear high heels and more feminine clothing, start wearing make up while the other girls your age could really be just as happy in jeans and a blouse or even sweatshirt. But I’d bet YOU would rather be in dresses and lacey things, wouldn’t you ?” she asked with a smile. “Yes I would, I HATE wearing just jeans and a t-shirt,
    or ANY boys clothes really!” I added. “That doesn’t surprise me a bit! she said. “I have never actually met a boy who thought he was a girl before” she continued. “Do you know what they call boys that think they are girls Jackie?” “Yes they call them names and want to beat them up!” I replied. Her eyes got wide and she seemed surprised. “No sweetheart that’s not what I meant, you don’t think you are the only one that felt like this do you?”
    “Well, yeah, I don’t think there can be hardly anyone else
    like me !” I said. Oh Jackie, there are a lot of men and boys that are VERY MUCH like you!” she informed me. “Really!” I said in total shock. “Yes but because of the way most people feel, kind of like what you described, they don’t tell anyone else and keep it to themselves.” she said.
    “I always thought I was the only one!’ I exclaimed. “No sweetheart, you are not the only one, but there aren’t many that make it known because of what I explained.” She replied
    “I wonder what the others do about their problem, I mean, do they all have to hide too?”
    “I am sure a lot of them do Jackie, but some don’t, you just don’t see them much, and they try to look as much like women as possible.” Connie said. “I want to look like a girl as much as possible!” I added. “Yes dear, I could tell, I could tell as soon as you put on those pantyhose and stood there in front of the mirror looking at yourself for 5 minutes.” She said. “You knew I was looking in the mirror?” I asked. “Yes dear, I noticed it was taking a little too long for you to get dressed and I came up and slowly opened the door and saw you standing there in front of the mirror, so I closed the door and knocked so I wouldn’t embarrass you. You seemed quite pleased at the way you looked in your new outfit and I didn’t want to spoil it!” she said. “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you wait and be so selfish!” I said. “No, no dear, you didn’t, I was just as pleased to see you looking happy, I enjoyed it too!” she smiled in a way that was obvious she was telling the truth.
    “Well, it’s time to take out the cake and let it cool to be frosted.” So she gave me a set of oven mits and opened the oven door. I pulled the pans out and set them on the stove top and she smiled, “You look just Betty Crocker in her kitchen sweetie.” Connie teased.
    “I like to cook stuff,” I replied. “I think I would make a nice wife,” I said. Connie looked at me wide eyed, “You don’t have much problem saying girl things in front of me, do you talk like that in front of anyone else Jackie?” she asked.
    “Oh no Aunt Connie, I have never talked like this in front of ANYONE else, EVER,
    “I guess since you kind of make me feel like I am OK, I just can talk to you like I really feel I guess, I don’t mean to say things that make you angry or something.”
    “It’s ok Jackie, I am just surprised that you can be this open with me, it’s as if you were a plugged up stream and finally you are flowing out, everything just seems to flood out when you talk to me. You have wanted to tell somebody about this for a long time haven’t you?” she asked. “Well, yes, but I never had anyone else I thought I could tell before and always thought they would tell on me or something like that!” I said.
    “You know I promised that this is OUR secret and you remember that. I will never tell anyone, and you can’t either, understand?” “I wouldn’t tell if someone wanted to cut out my tongue if I didn’t!” I said emphatically. I knew then I had a friend I could never
    have found again and that she was a woman that also needed her daughter and in me she found that to a small extent. I turned to her, reached over and put the oven mits on the table, and then I wrapped my arms around her waist and hugged her, so tight, she moaned a little. “Jackie, you are going to squeeze the stuffing out of me if you are not careful dear!” she warned with a smile. I just looked up at her smiling face and put my head to her chest and hugged her for a moment more. “I really wish I could come and be here with you forever Aunt Connie!” I said in total seriousness. “I know dear, she replied and you can be here as much as you can, but you remember you have another home to go to and they would miss you if you left.” She said. “Oh, I don’t think they would even notice I was gone, I bet I could tell them I wanted to leave and they would say OK!” I said. “Jackie, I hope you know that, is not really true, they would miss you very much I am sure!” she tried to assure me. “No, I am pretty sure my aunt for sure would like it if I wasn’t around anymore. She kind of hates me, since I am different.” I told her. She looked down at me sadly and said, “Then she doesn’t know the little girl I know, any mother would love to have a little girl so intent on being like her mother and being so girlish.” She said. “Yeah, but she won’t let me be her little girl, she already has one and I would just be getting in the way.” I said stoically.
    Connie held me to her chest for a second, then pulled me back by the shoulders, “I guess I have a special girl all to myself then!” she said smiling and looking at me in my girlish attire, like a little Suzy Homemaker.
    I cannot express just how much that meant to me. I would have done ANYTHING for that lady. But she asked nothing of me, and just seemed to enjoy having a little girl around her, even if it was more of a mirage than a reality.
    We finished the cake and she even let me attempt frosting it, though I tore the cake open with the spatula and glopped frosting on the counter and on me and on her. We finally got it finished and it almost looked edible and we had such fun doing it, I wasn’t too sure I wanted it to be cut and eaten. It was the first thing I had ever accomplished dressed as a girl and I felt like I had done nothing short of cold fusion.
    Sure, it was a nothing thing, a simple cake, but it was much more to me. I had done something girlish, in girls clothing, with the approval of someone else, AN ADULT!
    Someone that knew me as Jackie and seemed to still like me. I was as close to heaven as I could possibly reach here on earth.
    It was getting late in the afternoon and Connie realized I had better be getting changed back into my boy stuff and go home. “You better change out of your feminine things and head on home now sweetheart. I don’t want you to get into trouble for being late.”
    I knew she was right so I headed upstairs to change. Obviously she could see the utter disappointment on my face and she followed me up the stairs. “Sweetheart, please don’t look so upset, I said you could come back and do this again, how about next weekend?” “I would really like that” I said. So I changed back into the dreaded boy clothes and went sadly home to my aunt and uncle’s house. I made sure to roll around in the dirt a little and get a bit more typical boy dirty and went into their house.
    “Any luck?” my uncle asked. “No, a few little ones, but I bet I’ll do better if I can go next weekend!” I said setting up the next time to be at Connie’s. “Sure you can, I’m sure you’ll find a better spot next time!” he smiled and attempted to make me feel better.
    I went downstairs to my room and sat down on my bed, I felt so depressed now, back in boy clothes. I sat there and cried for about 30 minutes, until I heard someone coming down the stairs. I straightened up and wiped the tears away and made like I was doing something. I heard a knock on the door and my Uncle came in. “Are you alright Jackie?” he asked. “Yes, I’m ok, why?” I attempted to make it like I was just fine.“You seems a little upset, is there something wrong?” “No, there’s nothing wrong,
    I just am bummed out I couldn’t catch what I was hoping for” I lied. “Oh, ok, nothing else?” he asked. “No just that, I CAN go back and try again next weekend can’t I?” I asked again. “Sure son, that’s not a problem, as long as you are careful!” he cautioned. He didn’t need to worry about me at all, because I was going to be at Connie’s WITH an adult, just not doing what they thought I would be doing.

  • June 8, 2010 9:26 AM BST
    • 140 posts
    June 8, 2010 1:32 PM BST
    Chapter II
    Weekends at Connie’s

    It was a sunny Saturday morning and I had gotten up early. Having told my Aunt and Uncle that I was going fishing at Snail lake, they expected me to be either leaving or gone when they got up. I made sure I WAS gone when they got up and had gone out with my fishing gear to catch a mess “o” fish! Needless to say I wasn’t going anywhere near the lake, I was headed to Connie’s house. I went down to the old abandoned house and listened to my little radio and wait
    until a decent hour to go there. I waited until 8 o'clock and got back on the bike. I rode down the next street over, all the while keeping an eye out for anyone that might see me riding that way.
    I made it without being spotted by anyone and rode up to the house. I spotted Connie out hanging laundry and parking my bike in the garage. I snuck around the side of the garage and as quietly as I could, crept up behind her. I wrapped my arms around her waist and hugged her.
    She didn’t even turn her head, she just said, “My Goodness, it’s getting so a body can’t even hang out her wash without some little girl coming up and squeezing her to death!”
    I giggled and spun her around while staying behind her. “You little scamp, let go of me before I put you over my knee and paddle your behind!” she said with a hint of a smile in her voice.
    “I am stuck and I can’t let go!” I replied laughing. Ok little girl,” she said, “You get inside before someone sees you trying to tackle me!” I let go immediately and shot into the house.
    She picked up the empty laundry basket and came in just behind me. I sat down at the end of the kitchen table as though I had been there for a while and she walked up to me, turned the basket over and put it on top of my head like a cage. “Now you just sit there like that until I come back, maybe that will keep you out of trouble!” So, I dutifully sat there with the clothes basket over my head like some weird cage or something. She was gone a couple of minutes and returned “I suppose you came here to help me do my Saturday cleaning young lady?”
    “Well, I will if I can,…… well, you know…. “ If you can WHAT?” she replied.
    “If I can be your little girl!” I replied. “You will always be my little girl now, didn’t I tell you that last weekend?” she asked. I smiled, Well, I don’t REMEMBER you saying that Aunt Connie I replied coyly. She sighed heavily, “If you don’t get upstairs to your room and get out of those nasty boy clothes, I will make you sorry you didn’t!!!” Then she smiled.
    “My Room ?!” I repeated. “I didn’t know I had a room. “I told you that when you are here, THAT will be YOUR room for the time you are here,” Connie informed me. So, I got up, took my little cage with me and headed upstairs to “MY ROOM” and saw she had already set some things out for me to wear. I removed the jeans and T shirt in one swoop, and was ready to
    change in a second. There on the bed was a bra and panty set ( Pink). A pink jumper/shorts set, saddle shoes, pink anklets, and a new pair of pantyhose, still in the package. “Ultra sheer and soft” the package said. I checked my finger nails to see they were smooth and opened the package with the utmost of care. I pulled the hose out and felt them against my face.
    They were the softest, smoothest things I had ever felt. I knew that they were the very expensive kind. “Wohlford” was the name on the package. I came to find later that they were some of the most expensive hosiery on the planet at the time. She was willing to spend THAT kind of money on a young girl’s hosiery. I was afraid to put them on initially, for fear of running them.
    Instantly. “What’s the matter sweetheart, don’t you like that kind”? I turned to see Connie standing in the door with a big smile on her face. “No, it’s not that, these must the nicest pantyhose ever, and I’m afraid of ruining them!” I lamented. “Just be very careful and check your fingernails before you put them on” she assured me. I carefully gathered them up to the ankle and slid my foot into the first leg, Oh my god, they felt like silk, they were so soft and smooth, and as I slid them up my leg it was all I could do to not get excited. I slid my other
    foot into the pantyhose and carefully pulled them up smoothing them as I went. I finally got them up to my waist and felt them caressing my legs. I momentarily thought I would pass out!
    I ran my hands over my legs and hips, they were the most wonderful things I had ever had near my body! I looked at Connie as she smiled widely. “Like them huh?” she said
    “Oh yes ma’am, they’re so wonderful, Thank You so much!” I stepped over to her and hugged her and she squeezed me to her. “OK sweetie, you finish dressing now, I don’t think I have to remind you to be careful of your new hose, do I?” she asked. “Oh, NO Ma’am, I won’t let anything happen to them, I promise!” and I didn’t….
    I picked up the anklets and slipped them on and then the saddle shoes..
    “Aunt Connie, these feel kind of stiff I told her, I didn’t notice these in the closet before.”
    “I bought those just for you sweetheart, along with the Wohlfords.” She stated with a smile.
    “You bought these especially just for ME?” I asked, them started to tear up. I sat down on the bench and put my hands up to my mouth. She came over to me and held my head to her stomach, “Oh sweetheart stop, don’t cry, I wanted you to have these special, something “YOURS only” not from someone else, just like you are my special girl!” “Hasn’t anyone ever bought you something special before?” she asked
    “No, not like this, I always had clothes that were hand me downs, and well, all the other girls things were, not really mine….. “Yes, I understand,” she said” But now you have to promise me you won’t ever take clothes from anyone else, if you need something, tell ME and I will get them for you. No more taking other people’s things, OK?” “Yes ma’am, I promise” I said sniffing and wiping away the tears.
    “My god, you are going to be a handful when you hit puberty!” she exclaimed I looked up at her and asked “Why is that Aunt Connie?” “Well if you are this emotional now, wait until you get your….. She stopped herself, realizing she had almost said “When you Get you period!” I was convincing her and myself that I WAS a little girl, more and more all the time. Connie just raised her eyebrows and just said “Whew”.
    Then I was completely dressed. I stood before the mirror “Could you do my hair again?” I asked. I looked up to see she had stepped away and I was talking to myself.
    Connie called to me, “If you’re finished dressing, come in here please Jackie.” I walked into the bathroom and she was there with a device I had never seen before and like the little dummy I was, I picked it up. I immediately felt the intense heat coming off of the thing and I was lucky to not have burned my hand. I didn’t know what it was and she scolded me, “Never touch a hot curling iron sweetheart!” she said (a little late there) Then she directed me to sit on the settee there while she curled my hair. I had never had it done like this and was immediately very excited to have it done. She combed out my hair and then wound it up into the wand and then held it there, then she pressed a button on the end of the wand and I heard and felt the hiss of steam coming out of it. Then she released it and pulled it out of my hair, the spot she had done was now a hollow hair tube and it just stayed that way. It left the same kind of tunnels curlers did but these seemed a little more bouncy. She continued doing that until my whole head was an
    array of hair tunnels. Then she combed it and styled it into a cute hair style. But then, she pulled out her scissors and as I watched, she pulled by bangs up and trimmed them at an angle then let them drop. I looked into the mirror and saw it looked great! But I was afraid it wouldn’t go back into my boy cut correctly and I was secretly a little worried.
    “One of these weekends I am going to… .” “You’re going to what Aunt Connie, “I asked. “I am going to take you somewhere!” (Well THAT was specific!) I thought, but I wouldn’t dare say it to her. She was more than wonderful to me and I figured no matter WHAT she wanted to do to me, I would let her do it!
    She used a special comb and my hair was nice and fluffy and it looked totally like a girls cut.
    I just sat there and smiled. “Well, I ‘m happy you approve so much!” she said noticing my delight as I looked into the mirror. “Aunt Connie, would there ever be a time where I could
    GO Somewhere and have this done for me?” I asked apprehensively “What do you mean sweetheart?” she asked. “You know, go to a place that will do this kind of stuff to me, at like, a styling place?” “Jackie, you are a little mind reader, I was thinking of that myself”. she said.” Now it’s too late to do it this weekend, but maybe we could do that soon, are you doing anything next Saturday?” she asked. “No, No, nothing!!” I eagerly replied “Well we’ll see what happens between now and then.”
    From that point I couldn’t help but think about it. What was it like to sit in a beauty parlor chair and have your hair done? Oh, I couldn’t wait…….
    Connie finished doing my hair and stood me up, “There sweetheart, you look so sweet I could put you in my tea!” she said, proudly looking at her handiwork.
    “Now you promised to help me now that you are all dolled up remember?” “Oh, yes ma’am, I would never break a promise to you!” I said matter of factly.
    So, we went downstairs, and she went into the kitchen. Naturally I followed her like a little puppy. She stopped and removed something from one of the kitchen drawers. Come here,
    You don’t want to mess up your outfit now do you?” With that she held out an apron and slipped it over my head and spun me around to tie it.
    It wasn’t a heavy apron, kind of sheer actually and it looked pretty nice with that outfit.
    Then we set about cleaning those little statues, “Hummels” I think she called them.I had no idea at the time just how valuable they were. For some odd reason, she trusted me to be as delicate as I could with them and not damage them in any way.
    We spent the rest of the morning doing that and at lunchtime she made some sandwiches and she asked “Would you like to go sit outside and have lunch at the picnic table Jackie?”
    “That would be great!” I said. So we went out and sat at the picnic table, it was so beautiful out and I just loved sitting there all dressed and talking to her about girl things. She actually taught me more about being a girl than anyone else ever did about being a boy!!!
    Then the thing I had dreaded more than anything happened. My older cousin drove by in his car,
    He looked over at us and saw me and Connie and smiled and waved as he drove off.I couldn’t believe it! He looked RIGHT AT ME and couldn’t tell it was me!
    I looked back at Connie and she saw the concern in my face. “Something wrong dear?” she asked. “Well, that was my cousin that just drove by and waved!” I said nervously.“Sweetheart, he didn’t recognize you at ALL she reassured me.
    We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about girl things and I couldn’t help but ask her again about the beauty parlor. “I’ll set it up for you to get a perm!” she said and then looked at the semi-horror in my face and began to laugh heartily. “:Don’t worry sweetie, I won’t let them do anything we can’t change back before you go home!” she said. I finally realized she was just kidding and answered with, “Do you think they could make me a blonde?” Connie laughed,
    “Well dear, with your features being so dark, I doubt that would look right, besides I would have to keep doing your roots!” We both laughed and finished our picnic in the yard. It didn’t take a lot of special things to make me happy, just being there with her and of course her letting me BE and helping me TO be Jackie, I was about as content as a 12 year old could be. All I really wanted was to have someone accept me as the real me. She did that!
    She did so much for my outlook, I was so much happier, even my Aunt and Uncle noticed. All I wanted to do was be the REAL me…………………………..continued........

    • 140 posts
    June 19, 2010 3:51 AM BST
    Thanks Janis. I have to admit, this isn't actually fiction. It is what I experienced as a young "Girl".
    Connie was a magnificent person. I'm not sure if I should post the rest of it or not. maybe it's too long.
    Hugs, Jackie Nicole
    • 140 posts
    June 20, 2010 6:12 PM BST
    Melody: Thank You, I just wanted to share some of myself, and the good fortune I had to know a VERY special person, even if it was only for a short time. I'll keep posting the chapters as long as anyone is interested. Hugs, Jackie
    • 140 posts
    June 20, 2010 6:30 PM BST
    Chapter III

    The next weekend I could hardly close my eyes on Friday night. With the knowledge the Connie was taking me to the Beauty Salon. My little heart raced. I finally fell asleep for about 4 hours and woke at about 50. I got dressed and left a note reminding my Aunt and Uncle I was going fishing with a friend at a lake about 10 miles away. Back then, adults thought little of letting a kid of 12 go on their own to the lake or fishing, or just riding a bike for a long distance. I was also to spend the weekend with him at his house.
    I gathered my fishing equipment and headed out. This time I headed directly to Connie’s house , went in the side door of the garage and waited there until I saw the kitchen light come on. I waited another 45 minutes to give her time to wake up ( it was 70 by then) and I went to the back door and knocked lightly. She came to the door looked out and opened it, “Well Good morning Sweetheart, WOW you really ARE excited about this aren’t you?” she said. “Come in and go up to your room and get ready for your shower,” she directed. I entered the house and I started trembling with anticipation.
    I went upstairs and got undressed and she came in and handed me my robe. “Modesty is always a girls’ best friend” she informed me. She started the shower for me. Once in the shower I used the shampoo and conditioner she left out for me, and made sure to leave the conditioner in my hair for a while as she instructed. I looked down at my legs and noticed I had begun to get a little fuzzy hair and thought “Girls don’t want hair on their legs!” and I looked over and saw Connie’s razor on the shelf there. I hesitated a second the lathered my legs and proceeded to shave them as I remembered seeing my sister do it years ago. When I had finished, I rinsed them off and felt them. They were as smooth as a baby’s bottom.
    I then rinsed my hair and stepped out and wrapped the towel around me under my arms like Connie showed me all girls do. Connie heard the shower go off and came up to see how I was doing.
    She entered the bathroom and I said “Aunt Connie, I hope you don’t mind but I used your razor to shave my legs, OK?” She looked a bit surprised and reached down and felt my leg. “Well, I don’t know how you had too much to shave, but they sure are smooth now!” she said. She wrapped a smaller towel around my head and we headed into the bedroom. There, hanging on the knob of the closet was a yellow dress with white trim and, needless to say the matching underwear. She had white sandals and my favorite hose all set out for me. I just stood there and looked at all the beautiful things thinking all the while to myself that this must certainly be a dream. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes,
    I couldn’t believe she went out and bought all these things just for ME!
    She came up and patted my back and said “ Now don’t go getting all weepy on me again little girl, I love to shop and getting you things just brings me so much pleasure that I have to do it!” I managed to keep my composure and began to get dressed. She helped me and after I was finished she looked at me and smiled. “Now this time we have to make sure your makeup is perfect. Just a little rouge, a little mascara on the lashes and some pink lipstick. She removed the towel and fluffed my hair into the page boy style and I opened my eyes. I am not one to ever praise my own looks but I have to admit I did look kind of cute like that. Connie had me come into her room while she dressed, (She stepped into the bathroom to put her underwear on). She stepped out with her bra, panties and pantyhose on and put her slip on, then her dress and heels. She was ready to go, “We have and 100 appointment sweetheart so we need to go soon” she advised.
    We got the rest of our things together, she handed me a small white purse that matched my shoes and away we went. After we were on the way, I opened the purse to find it already had some things in it. She had put a small compact, travel lipstick, tissues, and the mascara she used on me and the small rouge also. There was also some change and 2 dollars. I smiled and looked over at her, she smiled and her eyes sparkled to see me so thrilled by something so small. I slid over and put my head on her shoulder for a second to kind of say thank you again. I knew if I said anything, I’d have started to cry. “Too emotional to talk?” she asked I wiped a couple of tears away and just nodded my head to verify her statement. Why would she do all these things for me and never ask for anything in return???
    The salon was in St. Paul and almost downtown. I was still not too fond of the big city and was very apprehensive about going out dressed like that around SO MANY people! It was still fairly early and there weren’t a huge amount of people out yet, though as we walked from the parking lot, quite a few people passed us. Some smiled, some just looked and walked on by. I had an eerie feeling they all knew!
    They didn’t! As we turned the corner Connie met someone she knew. “Oh, Hello Connie, how are you?” Hello Karen, what brings you downtown this morning?” Karen replied, “Oh, just getting a little early shopping done before the crowds.” Karen looked down at me and smiled, “And who is this young lady, your Dau-.. um, niece?” she corrected herself immediately. Connie smiled and put her hand on my shoulder, “Yes, this in my favorite niece Jackie, We’re going to the salon to have her hair done” Connie answered. “Won’t that be fun?” Karen asked me. “I’ve never been to a salon before” I said. “Well you enjoy yourself and I bet they will make you look just beautiful!”. Connie added “We’ll have a very special time I am sure.” We finally made it to the salon and walked in the huge doors. Connie walked right up to the desk and talked to the lady there. She thanked the lady and came over and we sat down. Connie picked up two magazines and handed me one, it was a “TEEN” type magazine to read while we waited. After about 10 minutes, a lady in a white smock came out, “Jackie?” she called, Connie and I stood up and the lady held out her arm to guide me to the right place. We went through a door into a smaller room, there was “THE CHAIR”, I looked at it and my knees began to shake. Picking up on my fear, she said “Don’t worry darling, I’m just going to set and style your hair, not strap you in and torture you, she smiled and laughed a bit. Connie looked caringly at me and then told the stylist “Jackie’s hasn’t had the pleasure of a going to a salon before Beth, this really will be her first time!” Connie advised her. “I’m not scared!” I said faking bravery. Connie put her hand in the small of my back and guided me up to the chair, “Just sit up here dear and we’ll get started” Beth directed. I did as I was told and got into the chair, as I sat down I folded my dress under me, as I had seen so many girls and women do. Connie had shown me the proper way for a girl to sit down. Connie noticed and smiled and gave me a sly wink, knowing I was doing my best to be the little girl she brought there. The stylist wrapped the plastic cover over me and ran her hand through my hair. “What do we want to do here?” she asked looking over at Connie. “Let’s just give her a slight trim, set and style, OK?” “That will be no problem” she replied and began to tip my chair backwards. I immediately gripped the arms as if I was being launched into space and Connie and Beth both giggled.
    She positioned the chair with my head resting on the edge of the sink.
    Then she wet my hair and squeezed something into my hair and massaged it through my hair. She did it for what seemed like a long time, as she knew just how to run her hands through my hair adeptly and got my hair
    full of whatever product she was using. Then she sat me up again and began to trim my hair. I prayed it would be cut so that everyone else wouldn’t notice when I went home. But then the other half of me WANTED it to be ONLY a girls cut so I could be stuck as a girl all the time! (STUCK! Hah! Hardly the right term for that, you can’t consider being “STUCK” in something you want more than anything!) She started to comb and separate my hair and then putting special rollers into it. It took a long time and she was very thorough in getting all my hair “just so” as she continued to add more and more curlers. With all the curlers in, she reached under the cover and took my hand and led me off of the chair and over to these very large things. She tipped the top of it backwards and motioned me to come over and sit in the chair in front of it, and then she tipped it down over my head.
    I realized then that it was a hair dryer. “I’ll be back in a few minutes, you sit here and enjoy your magazine while your hair dries.” she said Connie had gotten the magazine and handed it to me and smiled
    and winked. I smiled broadly, thoroughly enjoying what most girls and women took for granted. I sat there thumbing through the magazine and Connie and Beth chatted and laughed. I hoped they weren’t laughing at me.
    After about 15 minutes Beth came back and lifted the dryer off of me and led me back to the chair. She began to remove the rollers. One by one she unrolled them ever so carefully and then she began to comb it out. I could feel her work her magic and since I was facing away from the mirror I couldn’t see a thing. I was getting very scared. She combed and styled for another 10 minutes and stepped back and she and Connie smiled. “There, you’re as lovely as a young lady can be!” she said admiring her work. She stepped forward and spun me around and I closed my eyes, not knowing what to expect.
    I opened my eyes, and for a second I didn’t know WHO I was looking at! It was WONDERFUL, I was all puffed out and curled and looked about as feminine as any hairstyle I had ever seen. My mouth must have hung open a little as Connie stepped forward smiling, she leaned forward and said “It’s not polite to stare, even at a girl as beautiful at that!” she whispered into my ear. I couldn’t help it! I was astounded! I looked at that little girl and thought I was looking out the window instead of into the mirror. Connie stepped around and held her hand out for me and I got up and took her hand as we walked into the lobby. Connie stepped up to the counter and paid the lady. “Beautiful job Beth, Thank You Very Much!” Beth smiled, “I hope she likes it, it looks fabulous on her! She said. Connie smiled “You saw here eyes when she looked into that mirror, she loves it!” Connie looked at me and then as if she got shot with an idea, “Oh heavens, how could I forget!” she reached into her purse and pulled out a small bottle of perfume. Tipped it over and got some on her fingers and rubbed it onto my neck and some on my wrists. There you go, now you’re all done up!”
    I DID in fact love it! We walked along together my hand in Connie’s, I felt like I had never felt before. So light and happy and feeling wonderful.
    I know it was vanity, but I couldn’t resist eyeing myself in every window as we walked by. Connie looked at me and noticed my eyes seeing my reflection “Pretty special huh?” she smiled as if in triumph. I wanted to say something, to tell her how very much this meant to me, to express how I felt, to say what I felt I had no real words for. “I don’t know how to thank you for all this, I know it must have cost you a lot of money” Aunt Connie!” I said getting a little teary. “The look on your face and the way you feel right now is thanks enough sweetheart, I can tell how much it means to you!”
    “How about if I take my special girl out for some lunch, are you hungry yet?” she asked. “My stomach has butterflies in it now Aunt Connie” I said. “My goodness, if you were my little girl I could keep your head in the clouds just doing these little things I think” she said. “I think this is a pretty big thing, at least it is to me !” I replied. “I Love You Aunt Connie!!” I said, and she knew I was serious! And I love you too my darling, I don’t think I could ask for a more wonderful niece!” she said.
    She squeezed my hand and we started to swing our clasped hands forward and back, it was kind of like the intro to Laverne & Shirley only without the singing.
    We skipped along until just before a door and slowed. It was a café’ and there were already some people in there as we entered the place and Connie selected a booth. The waitress was there in a few seconds. “What will you ladies be having for lunch today?” she asked
    looking at us both and smiling. “We’ll have the special, 2 please” Connie said. I sat there is all my glory, totally done up and looking and feeling like the proverbial little Princess.
    We sat and chatted while we waited for our food. I got a lot of smiles as people walked by and Connie never failed to mention when she saw someone admiring me. Inside I felt like a celebrity, though no one attempted to talk to me.
    It was far more special to me than to anyone else I am sure. I know a few noticed that I was all dressed up and I must admit more than one boy saw me and smiled at me when they noticed me looking at them.
    “You really do have a way with attracting the young boys Sweetheart! Connie said. “I wish I had that effect on them when I was your age. She continued. “I bet you had ALL KINDS of boyfriends before you met your husband didn’t you?” I asked. “How old were you when you and your husband first met?” “Oh, we were in our late teens, Don was quite the handsome man, he kind of swept me off my feet when we met.” “Did you get married right away?” I asked. “No, we dated for about 2 years, though I probably would have married him after about 6 months if he had asked.” “He was that special?” I asked. “Oh my yes, he was a wonderful man, his whole world was Lisa and I” she said. “He’d be out on the road somewhere and he’d call just to talk and make sure everything was ok. “He would call everyday to tell Lisa her daddy loved her and to take good care of mommy until he got back.”
    “What about before that, did you have a lot of boyfriends?” I pried.
    Connie chuckled “Well I guess there were 3 or 4.” She smiled remembering her youthful adventures. I could tell there were some fond memories there. “Girls were different then weren’t they?” I asked
    “That depends on what you mean by different Jackie” “It was a lot tougher for boys to get together with girls then wasn’t it?” I asked
    Well, it seemed like it until I grew up and came to the realization that while it may have been a little different in the way they went about it, but basically it was the same.” “Boy sees girl, boy finds girl attractive,
    then boy wants to kiss girl !” We both laughed together on that one.
    We had almost finished when a gentleman walked up to the table. “Hello Connie” he said with a smile. “Hello Carl, how have you been?” “Great, just great, might I ask who this little lady is?” “Oh, Where, are my manners this is my niece Jackie” “Oh, hello Jackie, you look like you’ve just come from the beauty parlor!” “Well Carl, you are very astute as usual, we just came from there, and doesn’t she look wonderful!” Connie added. I blushed a crimson red. “Yes she DOES!” Carl replied, and here’s my son Christopher he said as a handsome young man joined his side. “Chris, this Is Connie, an old friend of mine and her niece Jackie,
    Say hello Chris.” “Hello ladies” he said sheepishly. He looked down at his shoes then slowly looked up at me and I could see a distinct twinkle in his eyes. He was a VERY cute boy about 13. “So, is Jackie staying with you Connie?” Carl inquired. “Yes she’s spending some time with me and we are making the most of it, aren’t we sweetheart!” “Yes Aunt Connie!”
    I replied, in keeping with the story. “Would you girls be interested in having dinner with a couple of bachelors sometime soon? “That could be fun!” Connie replied. “Why don’t you and Christopher come over and Jackie and I will make you dinner?” “We’d be honored!” Carl replied.
    “How about Saturday?” Connie asked, Jackie will still be with me then.” “That sounds great, sound ok with you Chris?” he looked down at the boy and Christopher smiled and looked at me as if to say OOOH Goody!! “Sure, I think that would be fun!” Christopher added. “Well then we’ll see you next Saturday say, 70 ?” Carl asked.
    “Alright then it’s set, see you then.” Connie said. They both said goodbye and left the restaurant. “Are you really up to doing this sweetheart?” Connie asked looking seriously at me. “If you’re not, I can just tell them something came up and you couldn’t be there!” “No, I’d like very much to do that!” I replied confidently. Needless to say, I was a girl and as such liked boys as most girls did. Oddly when not dressed as Jackie, I never even thought of anything like that before, but as Jackie, I often thought about dating and boys and as corny as it may sound I was a very big fan of Leslie Gore and her music. Petula Clark and the other female artists that sang about unrequited love and boys were all my favorites. I was probably the MOST romantic 12 year old boy/girl on the planet.
    I would come up with stuff that, when I mentioned it to my family, I was usually greeted with the rolled eyes and sigh. Boys aren’t supposed to think about and like romantic things like that only “Girls” did that!!
    WELLLL DUH!!!!!! That explains a lot doesn’t it?!
    I managed to get the weekend free by telling my Aunt & Uncle I was going to be going to the YMCA for a weekend event. Why they believed that I don’t know, but they seemed to buy it hook, line and sinker.
    So I took advantage of that fact and spent the weekend at Connie’s house again.

    • 1017 posts
    June 19, 2010 9:49 PM BST
    Hi Jackie Nicole,

    I apologize for not commenting on your post until now. When I first opened it I was a bit rushed and the length was a little daunting. (Not a bad thing - I've been accused of seeing how much can be stuffed into a post myself.) When I finally had time to read it, I found another post with a similar title. (D'oh, blonde moment...)

    I found your story to be a very emotional experience. Though my own circumstances were very different, the feelings you express I can easily relate to. Sorry you lost your parents so early, that couldn't have been easy. I never had an Aunt Connie in my life so I went through the "but I'm a girl" thing by my self until I met another TG in my 20's.

    I just wanted to express to you how your writing affected me and I hope you choose to continue your tale.


    ps, BTW, as co-moderator of the TGS Creative Writing Forum, I'd like to invite you post anything you may want to there, it doesn't have to be fiction.