I chose the title of this thread because I do so love to grab peoples’ attention. During my early teens and into my twenties I felt so much pain and anger that I found ways of burying it deep within, and turning into an “emotional stone” rather than feel. At the time it seemed like a way of coping but I had no idea how destructive this would be. I felt completely disconnected from the world and despondent. I would have the darkest of nightmares and my mind was perpetually on death and destruction. Inevitably self harm became a part of my life, and I developed an insomnia problem that beggars belief.
On February 12th 2000 I became very ill, I was shivering and vomiting and bleeding when I went to the toilet. I had been experiencing a perpetual back pain for three years at that point and suffering from IBS constantly. It was my belief that I was suffering a “bleed out” because of my years of alcohol abuse and that I was likely to die. I believed this sufficiently to begin putting my life in order and writing a will and clearing away things that I didn’t wish my family to later discover after I had died. Twelve days later I was so scared that I finally went to my doctor and found out that I had in fact contracted Dysentery, and my body that was already weaken from drinking 3ltrs of Cider, 2ltrs of beer and a bottle of wine a day, was now ravaged by Dysentery that had gone untreated for almost two weeks. On that day I stopped drinking completely and didn’t touch a drop for six years, at which point I felt more in control.
When I quit the drinking I found myself having to face my gender issues for the first time in 15 years. It was terrifying in the beginning but I resolved that I would allow my female side to go wherever it took me. Over the next few years I found myself letting go of all my pretences and fake male persona and letting the female true me emerge. I made myself gave into a mirror (something I previously loathed) until I found something in there that I liked and it worked.. I found myself finally accepting myself. Along the way I have found myself weeping at times and frightened but also I found love and dared to dream again because the world was no longer black.
I hope people can see why I wrote this long piece, I want to assure people that there is a better way than alcohol and that no matter how painful something feels inside, burying negative emotions has an uncanny way of coming back at you with ferocity. Talk to people be true to yourself and take time to tell yourself and those around you that you love them, and if you find yourself unable to cope there is help out there and people to talk to.

Lots of love Alison

It is very sad that you brought your story up at this time. It so happens that my friend John whom many have heard me talk about the last couple years is currently in the Trauma ICU of one of our local hospitals and is not expected to live much longer. His liver is for all intense purposes gone and the likelihood of a transplant is pretty much nonexistent. He drank to make the pain of his arthritis go away, and maybe some other pains that he kept to himself. We are sure capable of doing crazy things to ourselves and it is a true blessing those of us who catch on early enough do.

Thank you for posting your story Ali.

Hugs,
Marsha

Hiya Ali, Thanks for sharing your story with us. The things you went through I cant possibly imagine how difficult it was but I am deeply moved. I have had my moments with alcohol as Im sure a lot of people have and sometimes we just need to do a reality check, which your post has done for me.
Much Love
Penny
xxx
PS. I am a bit disappointed with the title as I was hoping to get some good tips on how to dispose of cadaver parts. because as we all know, no one is a serial killer until caught!

Alison,
I'm glad you were able to get your drinking under control. With a daily intake such as you describe there's really only one outcome. I come from a part of Scotland that has an incredibly heavy drinking culture and I have (had) five close friends who have died due to alcohol, two of them in really tragic circumstances. Unfortunately this is not uncommon here.
I'm also glad you were able to accept your accept your real self and were able to get on with your life.

Oh Marsha I am really sad to hear that as I know he has meant a great deal to you. My thoughts are with you and him x x x.

Well thats what I posted it for Penny and Janis. I managed to find ways of coping before it was too late for me. I thought I didn't want to live until that became a stark reality for me, and then I realised just how much I did want to live. Every day is a new oportunity to say and do the things we know it our hearts that we should and to make maybe small but decisive steps in the right direction. By the way i don't know if I have ever said but damn it Janis you are so very pretty and elegant and penny ......well I hope by know you know how I adore you my baby xx

Allison,

Sometime we have to fall down before we can get up, dust ourselves off, and get on our way. And if we recognize what it was that caused us to fall in the first place, we can use that knowledge to better choose our footing. We are after all, human. The smart ones learn from their mistakes, the not-so-smart ones, just keep doing the same foolish things, over and over. I feel that the majority of us here fall into the former category, not the latter.

Penny,

You have such a wicked sense of humor! I love it!

Nicole

hi ali that took a bit of saying, could feel the hurt. the lonely start we all must have shared is what i'm sure makes us strong and show's how important it is to have somewhere like this to get it out and find people that know and care!! not something us older girls had the benefit of. all together now though eh and here for each other!! love sabini xoxo