[This is in my blogger too]

It's early on a Sunday morning. I'm tired and I have a headache. I wouldn't normally be here now but I have to write about what happened last night.

I was downstairs, looking at something innocent (for once) on the computer, while my wife went upstairs to give the boys a shower before bed. The next thing I knew, she reappeared with the younger boy in tow and said, "What's this?" She was holding a copy of the Way Out Tranny Guide. The boy had found it on some towels in the bathroom.

In a flash I knew what had happened. I had taken it out of my tranny suitcase when I was alone that afternoon, and put it down in the bathroom when I was dressed and brushing my hair. Somehow I must have overlooked it when I was putting everything away at the end.

My wife sent the boy upstairs – I don't think he understood what he'd found. I had no alternative to tell her that I'd bought the book. There was a look of horror on her face. My mind raced through the options – telling her everything, or limiting the damage. I had a split-second to decide.

I hope my sisters here will forgive me for this. I chose the path of denial. I said I'd been interested in dressing for a long time and had bought the book recently to find out more. I denied any previous tranny-related activity. I know this was untrue, but I also know that the truth would have destroyed her.

She said she thought that men dressing up as women was perverted and that she was deeply disturbed. She said she couldn't believe this was happening to her. She said I should have told her before we got married. I asked if she would not have married me if I had, and she said she didn't know. She started to cry.

By now I was sick inside and sweating like a dog. I wanted to ask her why she thought it was so wrong. I mean, unless there's a reason (and "everyone just knows it's wrong" doesn't count), then it's no more than prejudice – no better than saying that blacks are inferior to whites, for example. But now was not the time. I'll have to wait until she gets over the shock. She says she's a very rational person, but there are limits.

She asked what I was going to do. I said I would throw the book away. I also said I would raise the issue of dressing desires with the psychiatrist that I see for my depression. That should help as I doubt he'd react in the same way as her. If he says that this kind of thing is widespread and unobjectionable, she might take some notice. (But then why are there so few famous trannies? And those of us who go out dressed know what the general public can be like. They either ignore us or laugh at us or show aggression or fear.)

We left it there as she had to get the boys to bed. She went into the shower first. I knew that I couldn't risk her finding anything else. I also knew that having chosen the path of denial, I had to cleanse the past. So while she was in the shower, I smuggled my suitcase of clothes downstairs and into the car.

She started the bedtime routine. I left the house and drove into town. I stopped on a quiet side-street, opened the suitcase, and bagged everything. The clothes went into black bin bags on their own. Books, CDs and other stuff went into smaller carry bags. The clothes went into a recycling bank at the supermarket. Everything else went into bins in various locations. So now all my outfits are gone.

The only thing I kept was the pearls and their presentation box. I've always had a soft spot for these. I'm going to keep them in the office at work. One day they might reappear as a present for my wife.

When I got back she was waiting for me. She was upset that I'd just driven off without an explanation. She started to cry again. But her tone was softer and less hostile, so I went over and gave her a hug. I was completely drained, and she must have been too. We went to bed.

So what of the future? In a sense, I've pushed the door slightly open and there is a chink of light. When she recovers there is a small chance she will be prepared to talk about this and learn more about the tranny world. Then she might get past the stage of unthinking horror and start to accept that it might be all right for me to dress at home, as long as she doesn't have to see it.

In the short term, I have no clothes, and no prospect of storing any at home. So I have nothing to wear when I go to Manchester on Wednesday. But I'm not trying to kill off the inner girl, and I'm not walking away from TrannyWeb.

If I am to dress at home in future, with my wife's knowledge, I may have to regenerate (Dr Who fans will know what that means) and change my appearance – or at least my name, as the name Catherine has unhappy associations for my wife and I wouldn't use it as my tranny name in her presence.

Who knows what the future will bring?

Catherine

Cat,

You did what you had to do for your situation and I think what you did must have taken as much courage as to tell all and risk all. Each of us has probably been in a similar situation at somepoint in our lives and had the same decision to make in the same split second.

I'm glad to hear you haven't left Catherine on some deserted street and will still be around on TW but I'm so sorry to hear you got rid of everything else. That must have been a heart wrenching moment to leave things in bins etc.

Only you know where the path will lead you in the future and what reaction you will get from your wife if you admit to her that you are a tranny. I hope it all works out for you, talking things through with her, trying to find out why she feels the way she does and discussing things in a hypothetical situation perhaps might ease the door open a little more for you but it is up to you how far and fast you open that door. One thing I can tell you is it will not be easy but if you truly love each other and are open and honest with each other you should be able to find some middle ground.

Please don't hesitate to ask for advice, support etc as that's what friends are for.
Take care

Alex
xxxx

I'm so very sorry to hear what you're goin through cath,i can't even begin to understand how you are feeling right at this moment.it must have been a gut-wrenching decision for you to get rid of all your things.I am soooo glad to hear you are not leavin TW,the place wouldn't be the same without you...who else would i get inspiration from.If ever you need to talk about anything then you have my email addy,so drop me a line soon.You know i'll always listen to anything you have to say.Love and xxxxxxxxx maria

Cat,
I am sorry for what you are going through and that you had to dispose of(NOT purge) your things. Purging is a denial, a rejection. You discarded what was a liability, but you didn't discard Cat. It was Tactics, not purging. You acted quickly and decisively and may have saved what means most to you. I hope you have. Our hearts are with you.

Hugs,

Wendy

Hi Cath,
well you've had all the sorry's and that, so all i will say is you have done what you felt was needed. You have done this to save your marriage and your family, your love for your family is far stronger than what you have put away for now. Good luck with the future and hey we still might meet one day to go shopping.......hugs JJ xx

Oh gawd, Cat. How are you doing? It must be late evening there, so a whole day of long emotionally wrenching talks. I hope it all went well. Wendy sent me a Tranny Alert Email this morning and I rushed off and read your blog. My heart was in my throat the whole time. Oh, Cathy, I know how much you love your wife and how much she means to you. At least now it's in the open and there's no going back, you can only go forward and hope for the best. Like all the girls, I think that love will prevail and understanding will come out of it, but it won't be easy.

Clothes are only things and things can be replaced, love, trust and honesty are commodities harder to come by. Thank goodness those didn't get tossed aside. Cat I wish you and your wife all the best. I hope your relationship will come out the other side stronger than before. And I'm very glad you're still with us.

Hugs and lots of them, Joni

Hi Catherine,

I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I agree with the rest of the girls that you did what you had to do. I think I know how you feel hon. I can still remember the gut-wrenching feeling I had the day I came out to my SO several years ago. She didn't stumble onto anything, I finally just told her because I couldn'tjust keep it to myself any more and I felt guilty for having kept the truth from her for so long. She did not take it very well at the time and I'm sure that she probably felt as sick as I did. However, we are still together and taking things one day at a time. She lets me dress as long as the kids are not at home and as long as she doesn't see me. It's far from perfect I know, but I'm thankful I still have a family. I still feel a lot of guilt for not having told her before we got married so she could have made a choice. She says she never would have married me if she knew about my feelings. Who knows, that may have been the best thing for us both, she would have met someone else and I'd probably still be single and exploring my feminine side much deeper than I am now. But I didn't tell her when I should have and now there are children to consider as well. We still love and care for each other but it has been a bit of a struggle for us to come to terms with my transgenderism. What's in store for the future for us? I don't know. Like I said, we're taking things one day at a time. Sometimes I wish life was much more simple. But I guess there's no such thing as a simple life for trannies in our situation.

Keep your chin up Catherine, be strong and try to turn a negative
into a positive: at least your wife now knows how you feel. In time she may get over the way she's feeling now. It will take some time though. In the meantime hon, take care of yourself and I'm glad you'll continue to visit here. Any time you want to talk some more please feel free to e-mail me

Hugs,

Monika

Catherine, I'm sorry to hear what happened. My wife discovered one of my skirts, but it wasn't until two months later I confessed. She's called me a freak a few times and wants me to toss out my clothes. I have not done that, nor do I want to. She stopped our sex life for months. It has resumed, to a minor extent, and we're slowly working it out. I hope all turns out well for you. Meredith

Cathernine, remember, you have friends on this board, and that's what counts. I hope you recover you lost items.

Respect, SL.

Catherine
I am so sorry,sweetheart.. my heart goes out to you. I had been in the closet for years and each time I dressed and then got out of my clothes, I would look around the room trying to think of something I might have forgotten to put away. In fear that I had forgotten something..,for fear of the nightmare you have been through.
You did the right thing for you. You have children and a wife you love.I have remarried and told my wife right away,this time, because I couldn't live the way I use to .she cried and we didn't talk much about it the first week.But we started to talk a little bit about it , I showed her web sites of men who felt like I did.
She read some books on the subject and little by little she came around. I wish the same for you.
You did crack the door open maybe not much , but enough that you can talk to her about your feelings, and she will understand that you still love women and that you just have this desire.
I hope all works out for you, you never know this might have been one of the best things to crack the door open.
Hugs
Sharon:)
Nothing left to do but smile smile smile:)