September 17, 2005 8:37 PM BST
Mere,
We've never met, but your circumstance is one I've experienced. Here is my experience.
I came out to my wife as a crossdresser after 6 years of marriage. We slept in separate rooms for a year. Intimacy ended. I was devasted at her reponse because I had 'come out'. The burden of hiding my 'secret' was destroying me.
A year later, motivated by a wish for children, she reconciled. I say it that way as it was presented as an absolute, never again, ever, anything, ultimatum. I promised, promised, promised.
Life didn't get better. For either of us. I doubt she ever really believed me. For me, the feeling of being trapped increased. I denied and denied. Job pressures, striving to be the perfect husband, make good money, striving to be the perfecct husband, do everything she wanted of me, striving to be the perfect husband, get a house, have a nice car, travel, look good to the neighbours, look good to the family, go to the theatre... In short, Mere, the noose tightened and tightened and tightened.
I became incontinent for a period of time. I was travelling extensively - it was humiliating. It was attributed to all sorts of things.
I 'gave up' the promise realizing that the biggest lie was to myself. Ultimatums are scary things but very clarifying. If an ultimatum is given at least they've shown where they stand. They have to be able to accept the consequences of their ultimatum and you if you accept it have to accept the consequences of that. But don't lie to them or yourself, like I did and break that promise if you do.
I am now transitioning. We are still together. We are still better together than alone even without children to bind us. I gave her an ultimatum, that I couldn't stay if I had to maintain a charade of who I really am. I wasn't going to survive that.
Our relationship is far, far, far from perfect, but I offer what I can to give her love, make her feel wanted and make her feel safe. In return, she has accomodated and continues to as I change. I'm accomodating too.