October 26, 2006 1:56 AM BST
The reason I am only out, in person, to two "old" friends is because a secret is not a secret if two people know it. I chose two close, loving friends who I was sure would neither violate my privacy or reject me because of my being transgendered. In fact it has probably brought me closer to them in both cases. It has also allowed me a pressure valve in that I can now "be" Wendy when with them. I can be my self. TW is wonderful for this, but like the difference between dressing alone and going out en femme, there is a psychological difference between online "Out" and in-person "Out". I still haven't figured out why, but I suspect it's like the feeling of freedom the first time you leave home dressed, even if nobody sees you.
When we do "come out", however, we are Out. You have no control over what those you entrust with such information will do with it. Many people just can't resist telling one person "in confidence....but you must not tell anyone else..." When I made my decision to come out to my friends, I did it on the assumption that by accident or intent the information might be spread to everyone I know. I was ready to accept that eventuality as the price of escaping from my "closet". I have one friend I trust to accept me, but they have screwed up, not once but twice, and put private personal information of mine out on the internet....once sending a "Reply All" by mistake discussing my personal/medical information to another "community" that I associate with. For this reason, even though it may hurt them eventually, I have not shared this part of my life with them, although they know it and are not aware that they do because they have not made that mental leap from what they have said about me themselves: "What I love about you is that you can be both strong and gentle." I have almost accidentally blown my "secrecy" myself at times. One day I will. We can't even trust ourselves. What you don't know, you can't tell, intentionally or by accident. I think the policy of "Need to Know" on such things is best until you are ready to tell the world you are TG/TS.
Those who would out you without permission are either not very good friends or more than a bit self-centered and seriously lacking in empathy. My work requires a significant amount of confidentiality. I have never knowingly broken that confidence professionally or personally in 35 years. Some people are just not able to follow that kind of ethic. Don't assume that someone you know thinks and feels about such matters the same as you do.
One day, in the not to distant future, I will have to make the decision to either leave those of my past or accept that everyone will know I am transgendered. The decision to "leave" will have to be made by those I know. I will not leave them. Perhaps in this way I will create a large group of people who accept that being TG/TS does not make someone a different person in ways that matter. This is , after all, how I came to understand and accept people being Gay and Lesbian.
Meredith, you should not have to fear being outed. It should not matter. The world should not judge us based on this one part of us. It should not matter if your daughter knows you are transgendered., any more than it should matter if you are gay, lesbian or Lutheran. Perhaps in 20 yrs it won't. Those who lead the way often get hurt. Those who come after benefit from their courage and pain. I watched GHANDI again this week. It makes one think.
October 26, 2006 2:20 AM BST
To me, the issue was not one of permission, but how and why it was done. It was more out of spite than anything. Yes, once we out ourselves to someone there is always the chance that the word will spread.
October 26, 2006 3:59 AM BST
I know you well enough to know you don't realy care about most of the world knowing. Know what I mean.
But wanting to be the one to tell your daughter is your right.
But now it may have to come sooner than later. Better for her to hear it from you than some kid just being mean.
You realy need to get some help with this.
October 26, 2006 6:27 AM BST
In the transition process right timing is number one. Be always a bit ahead of others. Be the one to tell, not too early and definitely not too late. Too early is to my mind when nothing has actually happened yet and too late is when it is obvious anyway.
I noticed at job, for example, that people appreciated it much that I chose them to tell my "secret". My policy was to win as many of possible to my side before the matter became overall known.
Laura
October 26, 2006 12:25 PM BST
As I mentioned, his reasons for outing me to his obnoxious kids (and they are obnoxious, not to mention lazy, smelly, and otherwise should have been aborted) was not to help me as to elevate himself in their eyes. It as if he said "Hey, I'm not so bad, look at your 'Uncle M,' he wants to become a girl. That's sick." Like I said, he and his son made many nasty comments about the TG community, and would not listen to anything I had to say.
Quite frankly I really don't care who knows, although I still must exercise some caution these days, especially with my kid. She turns 9 next month and these past 14 months have been a nightmare for her since my wife kicked me out. She doesn't need this now. I've even been asked by my ex not to move away for a job because the absence would hurt my kid more than she hurts now.
I have not even started HRT yet. That should be this year.
October 27, 2006 12:39 AM BST
One last thing.......
With all the comments he made about the transgendered, I didn't dare tell him about Lexi. Lexi is a girl. He would never see it that way. So, let it go.........
