This was told to me by a German admirer in Hamburg

Second world war, a battle field. Germans versus the Russians. Hanz a very stupid german was being issued with his weapons. sensing Hanz's incompetance, the officer decides not to give him a real gun, and gives him a lump of wood instead, thinking on the lines the stupid hanz might shoot to many of his own army.
When Hanz questions the officer as to what he is meant to acomplish with a lump of wood, the officer tells him that everytime he aims at a russian he is to shout out very load bang, bang, The german forces advance coming under heavy fire from the russians, Franz was in his element,, impervious of the dangers, he ran forward shouting loudly bang, bang, bang, at each shouted bang by conicidence a russian fell mortally wounded.,,, The the order was given to attach bayonets, Hanzy completely flumoxed now enquired of the officer what to do with his lump of wood, the officer thinking quickly told Franz to shout out stab stab at every russian he prodded with his versatile weapon.
Franz rab forward, bang, bang, stab, bang stab, dead russians fell in his wake.
Suddenly he was confronted with a colosus of Russian manhood trundling forward, Franz thought quickly this was gonna need half a dozen bangs and and extra qutia of stab stabs, Franz advance resolutely, bang stab, bang bang stab stab, The mighty Russian stommped right over Hanzy crushing him into the mud and mire of the battlefiled, poor Hanz was mortally wounded.
As the Giant ruyssian tore through the german lines, the Russian was heard muttering vroom vroom, tank, tank
.