Why are people sending me these lawyer jokes  

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. "I could push this red button, get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life," she purred. He thought a minute and said, "I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?"

A luxury liner capsized in the middle of the ocean and the only survivors were a doctor, a nurse, a lawyer, a seamstress and a chef in a leaking lifeboat.  As the boat slowly sank it was surrounded by sharks. One by one the passengers were devoured.

When rescuers arrived, only the lawyer was still alive: professional courtesy.

Hi Mellie

Mmm have you read "The Life of Pi?"

And why can"t I get into the chatrooms?

Hi Janis,

No, I haven't read "The Live of Pi" - I swiped the joke from the radio program, "A Prairie Home Companion."

Don't know about the Chatrooms, but Cristine posted something about the developers causing a problem there today.

Best, Mellie

I've heard the imaginary "Prairie Home" over the net.  Wasn't there a film about their last show? Everything deconstructed?

The show is still going strong. The film, a fictionalized version, was the great director Robert Altman's last film.

 "When God created woman 
He gave her not two breasts but three. 
When the middle one got in the way, 
God performed surgery. 
Woman stood before God 
With the middle breast in hand 
Said,"What do we do with the useless boob?" 
And God created man."

I think that deep voiced guy told a tale of a boy who wanted to play hockey  but had to wear a skirt to join the team .

Q.  Why does the American Bar Association prohibit sex between attorneys and their client

A.  Basically to stop the client getting shafted twice.

Q.  What's the difference between a lawyer and a duck?

 A.  Occasionally a duck will stick its bill up its ass.

Q.  What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

A.  Lawyers don't think they're funny, everyone else thinks they are a joke

What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?

With a porcupine, the pr*cks are on the outside

What do male lawyers and sperm have in common?
Only one in two million do any real work!

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

 

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

 

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

 

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same do***ent, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by her/him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."

One more and I'll stop:

One day a lawyer died and found herself at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?" The woman answered, "I was a Hollywood divorce lawyer."

Nodding ominously, St. Peter asked, "What have you done to earn an eternal reward in heaven?"

The lawyer thought about it long and hard, searching her mind for the one good deed that might gain her entrance to heaven. "As a matter of fact, the other day I passed a panhandler in the street and I gave him fifty cents," she said beamingly.

St. Peter nodded grimly, looking over at his assistant Gabriel, and asked, "Is that in the records?" Gabriel nodded his assent. St. Peter than said, "That's not very impressive, nor is it enough. I'm sorry," and started to close the gates.

"Wait, wait! There's more," shouted the woman. "The other night, as I was walking home, I almost tripped over a homeless child in the street. I gave him fifty cents too!"

Peter again checked with Gabriel who confirmed the incident. "Is there anything else?"

The lawyer again thought and thought and sadly said, "Not that I can remember."

St. Peter contemplated for a long time and then asked Gabriel, "What do you think I should do?"

Gabriel glanced at the lawyer disgustedly and said, "I'd give her back her buck and tell her to go to hell!"

Cristines first holiday for a few years, aboard a luxury cruise liner, relaxing on a sun kissed deck, sipping a gin and tonic, when she glances across the deck she see's somone she thinks she recognises from way back, school days.    She gets up and walks across to the person and asks are you not Penny Green, we were at school together,   OMG says the girl Cristine Shye, its been years, mwah, mwah, what are you doing these days?    I'm a hot shot lawyer now, says Cristine, but for gods sake if you see my mother, don't tell her,  she would be so dissapointed she thinks i'm a prostitute.

You realy crack me up, but love you heaps anyway.

An anxious 15 year old girl comes home from school, as any other day, though today she has a burning question. Mom, she asks tentatively, can you get pregnant from anal sex? "Don't be silly sweetheart, of course you can." replies her mother, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

This just in:

Lawyers have ethics 

               ...allegedly.

A man walked into a bar, and he got very drunk He shouted out so that everyone could hear him, "all lawyers are arse holes!" Then a person shouted back saying that he resented what the drunken man had said. Th drunk man said, "why? Are you a lawyer". No the man replied, I'm an arse hole