Hello everyone.   I am a new member here and figured this was probably the appropriate place to start putting new membership to use.

 

I finally came out last year, around this time, after hitting one of the worst bouts of depression I had ever faced.  I was 27 (around 16 years of knowing my physical and mental genders did not mesh at this point) and finally confided in a very good friend of mine across the country in my secret.  Despite my trust in her and prior knowledge that she would most likely be accepting of me, it took everything I had (and a bit of her pushing after I danced around the issue) to finally come clean with her. 

 

I can't piece certain things together in my head, and among these is my ability to be open about my true self.  I am terribly shy, growning up from a young age completely anti-social, incredibly mentally frantic in my thoughts (often with these thoughts running away with my mind, completely out of control), and constantly battling mild to often severe levels of depression at all times.  Needless to say, I am a basket case, transsexual issue aside.

 

But my friend was very accepting and supportive and helped me build my courage up for the next step.  Telling my parents.  This I accomplished a few weeks later when I went back home for a visit.  I had them in the dinning room after dinner (already having laid the brickwork, telling them I needed to discuss something with them just so I couldn't run away) and discussed the mental anguish I was going through and the secret I had shoved into the corner and almost completely ignored since 11.

 

After a many tears and shakey pauses, I was rewarded with their love and support (despite their confusion) and was told that no matter what path I chose to walk down, they would be there for me.  I can't express how greatful and how blessed I felt for having them as my parents.

 

The happiness from the event was short lived.  Finally starting to be able to discuss my problem was a great weight off my chest, or so I had thought.  The next step I was advised (and personally thought reasonable) was to seek out professional help.  I certainly was interested in making a trasition of some kind, weather it was all the way, or just simply in transitioning to a more happier, self accepting me, and figured the way to do this was with people that had experience and insight.

 

I am once again at the end of my rope.  I have talked to therapists and phycologists and all manners of head docters.  I have talked to those that have had no experience and suggestions of who to talk to and professionals that were even specific to my cause (or at least the lgbt sceen).  I am now broke, or at least very close to, from all the sessions I have gone to.  I am so sick and tired of walking into a awkward room, sitting down, and having the same repetative question asked of me, "How are you feeling today?  Can you tell me about that?"

 

Well, Im miserable damnit!  And I feel pretty much like I did last time you asked me that question, but maybe a little bit worse!

 

I can't seem to find anyone that has helpful suggestions, real knowledge, a willing and guiding hand, and the patience to help propell me to a happier future.   I am not looking for someone to make decisions for me, because I know that is just foolish and disasterous even if I found such an individual.  But due to my issue and 'troubled' personality, I don't have much drive and motivation.  The depression is a cycle that causes itself to get worse.   In the case of all these past 'professionals' I never felt like I was gaining anything from the endless checks I was writing.  Not even the slightest piece of mind.  

 

It all eventually all fell through and now I am pretty much back to where I started, save with a few people privy to my transexuality.

 

Last week I completely broke down and hit rock bottem again (as far as depression goes).  I have long since got past the danger of suicide.  I have been able to mentally argue my self out of those ideas when I was much younger and I still hold on to those pillers I built back then.  But it didn't make the day any less of a mess.

 

I showed up for work (considering a day missed there is rent that can't be paid, and food that can't be purchased) but due to my state of mind, completely lost it.  In a flood of uncontrolled tears and hard to understand words I pretty much told my boss I had to leave wich greatfully, he was not condemming of.  I went to the local national park at the sugestion of a co-worker (small little park in the Bay Area foothills) and attacked the path with largest uphill climb I could find, wearing myself out and exhausting myself to the point of not being physically able to be the sobbing, mental wreck I was a little bit before.  I got near the top and sorta just colapsed and finally being able to focus on something else, focused on catching my breath.   Thankfully, as my breathing calmed, so did my mental state and I just rested up there for a good while.

 

When I came back down, somehow, I got the courage to go back to the office (I suppose, once again, my pay check, or fear of losing part of it was the driving factor).  Once there, I couldn't really avoid the questions from my co-worker, and putting my trust in him, discussed the issue with him, explaining everything.  Once again I was greeted with acceptence and couldn't have been more greatful.  (My boss still doesn't know the reason for the outburst.  He is my uncle, incredibly opinionated, and extreamly bullheaded at times, and is probably the biggest wall I face in being honest about my true self.  I have no idea how he will react and honestly am a bit terrified of it.  Specially considering that my means of work is tied up in that relationship as well).

 

That said and done though, I have at least been making progress in the people I have spoken to, rather then just keeping it all pentup inside as I had done for many years.  Unfortunately I haven't been able to get past the timidness of telling anyone.  I do seem to stick to people I feel as 'safe'. 

 

But once again, I feel stuck.  I don't know what step to take next.  I hate my current self, from the depression to just about everything else.  And all the negativity seems to feed off itself.  Despite the support I have received from those I have talked to, I still am pretty set in my solitude and self isolation.  Partly because of my nature, partly because even with the acceptence and support, no one I have told these things to really has any idea on how to approach the issue or discuss it with me and its largely avoided.

 

I am glad that I have told the people that I have.  At least now I am able to turn to certain people to confide in when things do turn really ugly.   But they are all people that are more confused by my problem then even I am (and thats saying a lot!  Im pretty freakin lost ><).  I am smart enough to recognize all this, just not smart enough to actually come up with sollutions or the motivation to see much of anything through. 

 

Anyways, following the wake of last weeks horrible rut, I have been scouring the net for anything helpful and ran accross this website.  Decided to make an account, and well.  Here I am...

 

Im now taking my next little step in this life by coming out to all of you (well, sorta in a way) and look forward to learning anything I can from the site and community in a effort to maybe finally find peace at some point.

 

I apologize for the life story.  Didn't realize the legnth untill I was finishing up here.  I thank you for your time and a place to voice my thoughts.

This post was edited by Adrianne Hart at August 19, 2011 5:26 AM BST

Hello Adrianne,

 

Your situation and so many of your troubles are so common in the TG community.  I have heard enough stories to have heard these common themes over and over.  So you can take some solace in knowing your problems are not unusual, but more importantly, take courage in knowing that many many others have overcome these very same problems to rise out of similar situations to create new lives where they are happy.

 

Your latest step of joining and posting here is one of the best things you could have done.  This site (and other similar ones) have wonderful communities of friends.  They are diverse enough that they certainly include many who have faced problems like yours and overcome them.  If you can find some of these people, friend them, and be supported and encouraged by them, your journey will be so much easer.

 

Yes, yes, I got the part about shyness.  That too is one of the frustratingly common problems, but...try.  It doesn't hurt.  It's as easy as can be on the internet.  And it will be immensely rewarding.

 

Your uncle is your boss and you are not out to him yet?  Did I get that right?  I suspect he will know very soon, now that you have come out to your immediate family and at least one coworker.  Please post an update for us when that happens?

 

Then finally, it wasn't really clear in your post what you are comming out with and what your goal is.  You mentioned "knowing my physical and mental genders did not mesh."  Is your goal to transition, to change your body, appearance, and social role to be as female as possible?  Have you taken any steps in these directions yet?  Dressing counts, even in private.  Sorry if these are harsh questions, but I wondered if some of the confusion, especially from others you have come out to, comes from you coming out with something abstract and mental, and not concrete like "I've been secretly dressing as a girl for the last 16 years" or "I'm going to start living as a woman."

 

In any case, taking steps is wonderful.  Be proud of yourself!  :)

 

Sonia

Hi Adrianne. I hope you will learn a lot from being a member of this site. It took me about a year after joining here to make the decision to transition fully. During that time I had started going out dressed and meeting others in safe, T-friendly places. After a few months I was happy to go anywhere as long as it was away from where I lived, as I hadn't yet come out to my family and wasn't sure how far I would take this. It didn't take long to realise that I would never be truly happy until I released myself from my own shackles and plucked up the courage to tell everyone I know. At which point I started living full-time.

Find somewhere you can go out dressed, where it's safe to make a few mistakes and not necessarily be passable. Meeting others like you, and more importantly just being able to be your true self is the best therapy, and will teach you more about yourself than anyone can tell you, no matter how much you pay them.

You seem aware of your own issues, you've told those closest to you, you just have to start being yourself, and stop this pretence to the rest of the world that "you are a man".

If you believe you are a woman, it's time to start living that way, time to start helping yourself. Others here can help to an extent, but it's up to you to solve your problems by living the way you know you must.

xx

Adrianne,

It sounds to me like there are two, unrelated, problems that you are dealing with.

One, you are transgendered/transsexual.  Two, you sound like you might have a chronic, neurotransmitter imbanance and need medication from a psychiatrist (M.D.).  I am puzzled that it has never been recommended by one of your therapists.  However, while it sounds like it, I cannot be sure from  what little I know of you.  Perhaps some support groups may be more what you need first.  People who do understand.

 

http://transgender.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/san_ramon/

 

http://lgbt-social-group.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/san_ramon/

and if you need, check out these search results:

https://encrypted.google.com/#sclient=psy&hl=en&source=hp&q=support+groups++san+ramon%2C+ca+transgender&pbx=1&oq=support+groups++san+ramon%2C+ca+transgender&aq=f&aqi=&aql=1&gs_sm=e&gs_upl=12991l16439l1l17270l12l11l0l0l0l0l202l1620l2.7.2l11l0&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&fp=165bfefa6b75e1a2&biw=1019&bih=577

 

Welcome and good luck.  I kind of feel that The Gender Society was like going through the door in the FRISKIES cat food commercial where everything is brigt colors and full of wonderful things.   My life changed like that.  Like entering OZ....no flying monkeys.