It's around noon. I'm sitting in my big overstuffed green lazy boy chair with my laptop on my...well, my lap. I wanted to go walking , but my back is protesting. Protesting a LOT. So, the pain killers are hitting now as I make the trade-off every time I take pain killers: Kills the pain, gives me a weird, unnatural feeling tummy ache. At this point, I'll take the tummy ache.

I'm trying to deal with a problem that has been with me for years, I'm sure, since I've surrounded myself with a very few people and have not stepped outside that comfort zone. Tulsa has a decent LGBT community with several bars and I know a fair number of people around the area. Still, when I went to a couple of bars, this terrible feeling came over me. The only way I can describe it is to say that it feels like there is a bubble between myself and the rest of the world. It's all I can do to keep from crying.

So now I'm on a generic medication for Wellbutrin. I've been on this new med for about a week. My doc said the drug needs to build up in my system. I'm glad that is the case, because the crying jags are still with me and I can't even justify leaving my apartment if I can't keep it together that long.

My new therapist thinks I am beginning to despair over the up-in-the-air-ness of where SRS is for me. That is, limbo. So, I cry and I can't sleep and I just want to be done with this lease and move back to Iowa where at least I have friends who love me.

My mind is jumbled and I don't feel like I can trust my judgments at this point. I want to get out there into the dating pool. I want to so much. I don't know what happened, but I've rarely felt so helpless.

Rapidly approaching 100 kg. At about 101 right now. I think I did my math right. I'm about 222 or so.

I will write more soon. Swear.

Z

Hi Zoey,

It sounds like a very difficult place where you are at, to which I can relate. I cant give you any advice but I can tell you how I coped and life is a lot better for me nowAll I can say really, is, do the best you can and keep objective about what you want to acheive. For me, I felt that if I were to lose my direction then I would end up going round in circles, so I focused on what was important to me. The thing I remembered most was, do the best I can because what more can I do

All the best

Love

Penny

x

Zoey,

The SSRI you are taking should should raise the threshold where the crying starts - but they are not a cure.

 I remember peeking down a shopping isle to see if it was empty because I was afraid I would get caught crying half way down the isle. The "tear monster" would grab me without any notice!! It was so frustrating!!

 The best thing you can do is get as much excercise as possible and go for long walks. Endorphins are your best friend

Hugs!