My first coming out, yes first because i don't really count it as my official coming out, came when i was 15. i decided in my youthful zeal and rashness to show my mum how i felt and who i was.

only trouble was, i decided to wear the dress she had worn to my cousins wedding only a few monthes earlier. it was the end of the eighties and the outfit i wore would not look out of place on Pat Butcher from Eastenders, the popular UK soap opera. imagine a green and black dress that was made to look like a floral blouse and skirt. it had HUGE shoulder pads and was at least 4 sizes too big for me. in those days i had no clothes of my own and like many in my position i wore my mums clothes. my sister being 7 years younger than me, her clothes would not fit or suit me. looking back i cringe as i put on her large unwired bra, stuffed it with some socks, i put on a pair of nearly black tights and a pair of my mums courts. i then found the only piece of make up she owned, some blue eye shadow and applied it to my lids. i looked a right sight but it was all i could do and i feel ever so ashamed that thats how i did it.

It was early evening in the summer of 1989 and i had to tell someone how i felt. my mum had to know, i had to tell her. I sat on my bed and took deep breaths. i finally plucked up the courage and crept downstairs. my mum was sitting in the front room, my dad was down the local club and my sister was at our nans, the telly was on and my heart was pounding.

The stairs creaked and my mum called my name. i stopped and in a creaky voice replied, "mum, i have something to tell you."

I got the bottom of the stairs and pushed open the door. i took a step inside and then there was a terrifying silence then a loud shriek as my mum came face to face with her wardrobe and her son, swamped in her dress.

"Mum i want to be a girl!" i said, my voice trembling.

well i dunno what i expected really, i mean if i had seen such a sight i would have said, "my god, what are you wearing, havent you got anything nice to wear!" but my mum screamed, "GET THAT OFF NOW. WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME." her voice was filled with fear and dread. she started to cry. i always cried when she did and i did the same. my heart sank and i did as i was told. i stayed in my room all day and waited for my dad to arrive. that was the sum of the conversation. always short and to the point my mum. when he came back i heard, "He did WHAT! G*** get your arse down here now!" i gulped and closed my eyes. i had no courage no conviction and no fight in me.

needless to say i was asked, Are you gay? (like that was the issue!) how could you do that to your mother? I was told its a phase, don't do it again, your mother is so upset. what do you mean you want to be a girl, dont be so stupid.

i was heartbroken and defeated. i was helpless and i could do nothing except hide my true nature. Coming out then was not an option. i had no feedback, i had no voice and no support. it was never spoken of again until some 20 odd years later. i am only now living as i was meant to. my mum never wore that dress again, to be honest i was glad cos it was awful

Any one else got any tales of teen angst and unfortunate outfits?

Faye x