Hello. I have some questions about what it means to be transgender and, more specifically, if I am. I’m 16 years-old and biologically female, and recently some old thoughts have resurfaced. When I was a child (7-10 years old), I used to insist that people call me John, to the point where most of my friends and teachers got used to the name. I used to dress like a boy until I moved to a new school where, for obvious reasons, I felt I would fit in more easily if I looked feminine. In the new school, no one knew me as John, and I became Hannah once again. I didn’t think about my gender identity for a long time.

 

As I’m getting closer to living on my own and becoming a legal adult, I’ve realized that I can change my name if I want to. I’ve asked my best friend to call me James, and the name feels much more fitting than “Hannah.” I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel male. I feel like a young man, not a woman.

 

My clothes are mostly gender neutral, but I still look unmistakably feminine. I wear blush, and I’m bad at sports and math, and I can’t say I do anything especially masculine. I'm attracted to males, not females, and at this point in time I'm not interested in surgery. But I feel masculine. When I see a handsome male, I'm simultaneously attracted and jealous. I want to check ‘male’ in my job/college applications. I want people to address me as ‘Mr.’ when I’m older. Whenever I envision my future, I look like a man.

 

I guess I’m confused because I don’t do anything “like a male,” but I still “feel male.” Am I transgender?

 

Also, after googling the term, I was surprised to learn that being transgender is considered a disorder. Is this due to the same type of discrimination that resulted in homosexuality being considered a disorder for a while? I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me – I’m just interested in annihilating gender. And I feel like I’m closer to being genderless when I think of myself as male than when I think of myself as female.

 

Thank you to anyone who reads all of this.I hope my concerns don’t seem petty or dumb.

I think it's completely relevant and not dumb. Here, we have many of the same concerns you do.

First of all, I am by no means an expert or anything. Most of my knowledge comes from others on this site or my own research for myself. I wouldn't consider myself one of the savviest, but I figured I could post my thoughts.

From what I've read, many of us Transgendered Folk will have such coming and going feelings regarding our gender. When things are really easy and the role isn't so hard to fit, we tend to forget our concerns regarding gender. However, they continue to crop up in good times and in bad.

Personally, I've had coming and going feelings regarding my gender all my life. When I was little I was completely oblivious to it. I knew I wanted to run around in skirts and one day be like some of the women I'd met or seen. But I knew it went against what my parents seemed to want. I pushed it back and tried to work forward. However, it came back again and again... in my uptimes and downtimes. I can relate a lot of stories concerning this.

Also, a lot of Transgendered people will be the first to "diagnose" themselves... that or someone really close will spot it... but from what I've read, the individual is the first to make a "diagnosis." The next step, I would guess is to try to talk to a therapist or something. You don't really wanna out yourself in the wrong place.

I, myself, am operating in high stealth. Family probably wouldn't be happy with it. Once I'm out on my own I plan to start seeing a therapist and blaze my way to womanhood.

If you can do it safely, I say, why not go out as a boy? I'm not savvy on all the details of what you'd have to do to pass as a boy... the upkeep is certainly less

As far as feeling male, but not doing male things... You're looking at a girl that feels female, but hasn't necessarily done a lot of girl things. I play lots of video games, I used to be a linebacker, and I don't find guys attractive (MtF's are cute, but I don't consider them guys) I'm attracted to females. I consider myself Transsexual... I consider myself Female. Every inch of me cries that I am a woman... not a male.

You don't have to be a jock, or good at math (didn't realize that was a male requirement) to be a male. Men run the spectrum in all different shapes and sizes, just like females do. The only real thing I have to go on is that I hate being male and every part of me wants to be a woman... that's what seems to define it best for me. Part of why I believe they involve therapists.

I don't like to consider being Transgendered as any kind of disorder either. To me, it seems as natural as many other occurrences that are "normal." Part of why I believe this is because in the animal kingdom you will often find fish that change gender (yes, it's true!) and a kind of sexual dimorphism that allows animals to appear as a gender opposite of their genitalia (which actually allows them to keep their genetics nice and diversified). It almost seems like we're fish that forgot how to swap our genders or we're lions that should be female in every way but for the reproductive organs we carry.

Considering all this, I'm surprised we don't have greater numbers

Annihilating gender might be difficult to do altogether... much western culture thinks very binary about gender. But, if you genuinely feel you are male, it's certainly worth looking into what you need to do to achieve that. You'll, of course, have to research and see about talking to a therapist, figure out what's right for you.

Either way, I wish you luck!

Hi James,

Never feel like you are dumb or consider your concerns petty. I think when it comes to ones own feelings on gender you can only feel what you feel. you cannot regard yourself as a stereotype. I, like Tara, had many conflicting emotions growing up. The constant too-ing and froo-ing between my gender states wore me down. my concerns for my parents and my family meant that i always kept myself to myself.

Like Tara, i do not consider myself any kind of expert. i only go by what i've experienced. i am a woman, every fibre of my being screams it but it so happens i was born with the wrong set of chromosomes. It has taken me so long to come to terms with it but i do now.
When it comes to this subject it seems its how you judge yourself to gender specific activites. Playing sports, video games and toys are now more than ever ambiguous. i know lots of females who love sport, play video games and do things considered masculine. does this make them any less female? No of course not but from an early age we are pushed into our born gender role and that is how we are molded and expected to stay. it is when we discover the fact that our bodies and minds are somehow wired differently that we begin to question ourselves. If you feel you are male then that is how you feel but equally do not feel under pressure to conform to a specific gender role if that causes you to stress. The therory of a 3rd gender or twin souls has existed for as long as time.
We feel its easier to follow the status Quo. The best piece of advice i have ever received is simple.
Don't live your life solely to others expectations.
I would suggest that you do seek a doctor or at the least a therapist to explore yourself in an environment not governed by vested interests and emotion. You can only be yourself and trust me, do it sooner rather than later.
I wish you all the best hun and always try to be true to yourself and above all, be happy.
x