When i first came out to my family over 20 years ago i made a fundamental mistake, well actually i made a few but i wont go into that now, i showed my mum how i wanted to be. the shock was far too great for her and i simply took that as a sign that my wish would never be fulfilled there and then.

My parents, although loving and generous, never really gave me emotional support or encouragement in convincing me of my future and or helping me with my decisions. That, i realise now, i had to find for myself. i convinced myself that i was a crossdresser. i prefered to wear womans clothes and that should have to be enough for me but as the years ticked by and my mood became ever darker i began to slip into an abyss, i hated my body. i felt numb to the world, stuck in a limbo i could not get out of. i hated being in mens borish company and i yearned to chat to the girls about whatever issues they were discussing, it didnt matter. All my life i have looked at women as role models. Women in all walks of life from teachers to nurses, doctors, managers, mothers and so on. Men, i had no interest in. i liked football but the lifestyle of going out on the pull and drinking was boring and stupid. i hated their attitude to women. it was demeaning and crass. i had nothing in common nor looked up to any of my peers or betters in a masculine role.

 The last ten years of my life, i'm 37 now, have been a struggle. Now im not exactly talking about going completely off the rails but i did soft drugs to take the edge of my pain, something i am not at all proud of, and i slid into my sofa and thought 'this is how i'm going to be. trapped in this shell for the rest of my days geting wasted!'

 From 26 i went from a hastly arranged marriage to divorce in a matter of 18 months, i was dressing infrequently and it caused me strain.

Around my 28th birthday i thought i had found a partner, a woman, who could help me see out my life with and i told her  of my crossdressing, when in my heart i knew even this was a lie, i wanted to be a woman but i tried to be 'normal' and keep everyone happy, she accepted it but on the condition i did it when she was not around, which, for a while i accepted. Even though i loved her, she was kind and we had so much in common and in the beginning sexually we were active, i always felt under enourmous pressure. sexually i was incompetant and as the months went by into years she was frustrated at not falling pregnant. five years ago i became depressed and i sought my gps help. i thought i had a poor libido but all the doctor told me was that i had a low sperm count and i should stop smoking. i knew this was wrong. not the sperm count, i knew that would be because of a testicular torsion i had in my teens. i knew the reason my girlfriend wasn't pregnant was because i did not know how to climax. i feel like an alien as i tried to make her so. then i decided to go to my gp and tell her i had gender identity issues.

Again a mistake because all though i wanted it badly, i had no support structure. nothing. i couldn't tell my girlfriend and the pain from my parents rejection was a throbbing scar on my soul. i tried to do it alone. Big mistake. i saw the mental health doctors and they referred me to Charing Cross Gender Identity Unit in London. i got the letter a month later. i had an appointment in three months. i still kept the secret and as time wore on i panicked and cancelled the appointment. i thought then and there i had blown it. my only chance at becoming me. i refused to admit it to myself let alone others and i sank futher and further. I grew my hair, pretending it was because i loved rock music. the real reason being i wanted having long hair to look feminine but had never been brave enough to grow it. i began to dress in front of my partner and she kept a stoic silence but eventually in the last year we began to drift apart, she could tell i was changing in front of her and the man she loved was vanishing, the memories of holidays and nights out were being replaced by the woman i wanted to be. Faye, i called myself. i liked the name and it seemed to suit me. i was struggling to focus at work and i was angry all the time. i became reclusive and even shyier than i already was. i kept contact with family to the bare minimum, i had only one friend in my life and i rarely saw him. Something had to give.

This year after wasting my last few years of my life i decided to get therapy. this has turned out to be the best decision i have ever made. i went to see her and i told her of my life and struggles with gender identity. I talked and cried, i told her i had no hope. Then on the second session she asked to see Faye next week. my heart skipped. someone wanted to meet me! i had only been out a couple of times dressed. Once to transmission in London, a trans bar and club since shut down and a day out to Brighton in which i looked horrific. i had been on late night walks. the walks that excite and terrify in equal measure. each time i had gone out the rush i felt disappeared as soon as it came and even then i felt that i was hiding. i wasn't truly me. being part time or the occasion crossdresser did not satisfy me. i knew it was my body and soul that were not in synch. So i bought a new top and skirt and some new shoes, i did my make up and i checked the way was clear and i got in my car and with my heart pounding in my ears i drove to my therapist. i walked up to her front door and rang the bell. my throat was dry and i was shaking. when she opened the door she smiled and said, 'hello Faye, nice to meet you. come in.' i stepped into her house and walked into the room and sat down, i crossed my legs and took a deep breath. She smiled and looked at me with a sweet look of acceptance, then she complemented me on my make up and my clothes and she said i already looked happier than i did in our last meeting. to me this was my coming out. it affirmed in my mind that this was the beginning of a new life. we talked about my parents, the rejection, my girlfriend, work, school, bullying, the whole shooting match. we ran over by 15 minutes but i didnt care. i was relaxed and calm and when we left and she said 'goodbye Faye' i turned and waved, a big smile on my face. this was it. we had talked about gaining structure and setting achieveable goals. I went back the next week in a long jumper, jeans and heels, make up and wig and again talked about progression and the future and more importantly how to tell my family and SO about my desires.she said i could not live my live by living for others. the time had come to put myself first. the most important thing. The truth. my truth. i had to come out to my family again. this time i planned to do it right. i had to tell my SO, then my parent and my younger sister, who had already known i was crossdressing. i had to tell work and my colleagues. rather than feel rushed i began to lay down a flexible timetable. a chain of events that would help me. i made another appointment to see the doctors. this time after telling everyone in my immediate life that needed to know. My mood began to lift but the sorrow i knew would come when i told my girlfriend halted me. i had to tell her her boyfriend, a man she had lived with for nearly 10 years, was really a woman trapped in a man's body. There was no going back and when she went away to her home in spain to see family, i dressed all week, as i had done every other time she had gone away, only this time i felt no guilt, no shame. i was preparing myself for her return.

When she returned, i met her at the airport and she looked at me and her look changed from joy to sorrow. I had plucked my eyebrows but i was wearing a hooded jumper, jeans and trainers. she knew straight away what i had been up to. we talked in the car but the conversation was strained and stilted. we returned home and that night as i sat on the bed i told her that i was going to see the doctor. i was a woman and i had lied to her for all those years. i was crying yet she stood there shocked, unable to speak. my heart was breaking and i yearned to hold her but made no moves to. She said, ' I can't live with you like that. i can't live with a woman that used to be my boyfriend. i can't, i'm sorry but we are over!'

we then cried into the night and over the next few weeks leading up to now we carried on living together, she left on dec 21st, out of my life forever and the only people to ask me how i was were my friends here and my sister. i was changing as soon as i came home and talking to my new friends on GS. I have been a member for over 7 years here and in the last few months i have made some firm friends, actually more friends than i had made in over 30 years as a male. i have met a few of them and they made me feel so welcome and part of a large family. this is for later though as i had to tell my parents once again. several weeks ago, after my SO and i had confirmed the split, i went to my parents and told them that me and my girlfriend were finished. my dad asked my the reason and although i had practised the conversation over and over in the car i stumbled on the words.

'she didn't like who i was becoming.' was my answer. 'and what is that?' he asked. i gulped and looked at my mum who i had told the week before when i went shopping. she knew i still dressed and iwanted to live full time so i was expecting some support. What happened after broke my heart. 'Is it that thing you used to do?' he asked. 'i never stopped dad.' i said. he then tutted and asked the same question he asked 20 years ago. 'are you gay son?' his voice cracked. i was becoming angry. i wasn't gay not that that was the issue. my sexuality has nothing to do with it. as a man i couldn't be will a man. i experimented but feel again alien to the situation. 'NO! dad thats not it at all.' i said. 'i want to move away and find myself.' i said. if the thought of his only son being gay made him upset then telling him i wanted to live as the woman i have always felt like, would possibly send him to an early grave. no one knows how people will react when you tell them. your parents never want their children to suffer. i asked them this and after a few seconds i got the reply, 'of course not.' we talked for a bit and my dad asked my mum for her opinion.

she said nothing. not a word. i felt betrayed and hurt. i told them its not their fault, there can be no blame on their part, it was in me and a part i cannot ignore any longer. the chat ended with a hug from my dad. he said he loved me and wanted me to be happy but i knew it was killing him.

i told my sister and she was upset. she was also pregnant and the stress was affecting her so i left her alone, i didn't push it on her and kept on with my plan. She was worried about her son, my nephew and how it would affrect him. somrthing i considerd also. since then she has come up with plans to help and accepts me. a little time caused her to realise she was gaining a big sister. i could not be happier.

Then came work. I told my female colleague about my plan and life, she took me in a hug and whispered.' i knew it. i care about the person. you are doing the right thing.' i cried. i cried onto her shoulder and i forgot i was her manager, she bacame a dear friend that day. she offered support and suddenly i grew bold.

Last week i told my work about me. i told HR and my line manager. we sat down and i told him why i was sullen and angry all the time, i told him i had gender dysphoria. He looked at me and said, 'what is that?' i said, 'i'm transsexual.' to my surprise he said 'ah like those on the telly.' he was talking about the channel 4 show 'my transsexual summer.' i was shocked. by watching that programme he had an understanding. we talked for ages and he said he would help arrange everything i needed from occupational health to all the name changes and personal support. i have seen my doctor both GP and mental health. i have to wait for another referal but this time i have the support i need. i have the knowledge that people know and can help me emotionally and physically. my coming out has been such a change from what i had imagined and yes there will be bumps and many down times but at least when i look in the mirror i see a reflection of self. if others don't want to understand that their issue, i care only about those who care for me. my small steps now feel like a jog and if i ever have one piece of advice its this.

Don't do this alone. With this site i have gained a life i never thought possible. you are never alone, remember that. X