Hello my name´s Adam (atleast for now xD)

 

I´m a early meditation of the whole transexual thing and I have looked for a place to dump my thoughts and get some feedback from others, with more experience than I. Next week Im off to the family doctor to get the ball rolling and get in touch with a therapist. I have tried to divide my thougts in 4 parts: my perepective, my "cirumstances/stats", "the future me" and "Why"

 

I´m 20, 194 Cm tall, from Sweden. As a young kid I didnt notice any "I am in the wrong body" but I have always felt something "in-between" the divide of Male and Female. When I was 13-14 I felt the first inclinations towards having a "female side". I didnt pay it any mind and there was school and all that. During the years since then (14-17 and up to 20) I have gone from "why iant I like all other guys (wanting to have sex all the time- only a stereotype but you know-), to "I like who I am" and finally "where do I fit in".

At present I feel as I have two sides, or am both (bah this gender divide irritates me) and I am meditating upon where I fit best. If it was only "what I prefer to have between my legs and what works for me" its no biggie "my male endowment isnt worthless but nothing that I hold any value to", I dont really have a drive to use it.

 

But if I should go through with this I want to to it proper, with good prospects of having a good life after transitioning. plan is to speak to family doctor on monday and getting the ball rolling.

 

My stats:
194 Cm
82 kilos

 

broad shoulders but my "hips "the bone thats just below your navel" are wider than my ribs and waist. Its that my shoulders are extra broad. so my silluetes is broad, narrow, broad narrow.

 

Almost no beard or chest hair groth. Granpa is 85 and havent lost a single hair (you inherent your hair gene from your grandparants)

 

I have piano thingers, my palms are super soft (my girl, friend called them baby-face hands) but my mom´s are a wee bit bigger.

 

I have vocal resources (IE deep vocie if I want it too be)

 

big feet, my shoe sise is 45, but my sis is 43 so its ok.

 

The Future Me

 

alright so imagine I go through with the therapy and all that and it works out. what kind of woman do I see myself as?
One thing I´ve picked up in my lurking wanderings about the internet is that many transexuals seem to try and conform to "how a woman should be". IE the typical image. At the moment I would aim to be a guy-ish girl. I´m trying to find the me buried below all the muck I´ve been busy dealing with before all of this.

 

Why

 

When I was 14 I felt I hated myself. I hated being male, more nuansed; I hated the expectation that I only wanted to bang chicks", before that something in me took command of my mouth and said "girl" when people asked me if I was a girl or guy (until i learned to keep it shut). Then School and growing up happened and a whole lot of soulsearching had to be done to find the security that made remember that feeling from the 14 year old me. Today I feel. . .how to put it "at pieace" with me?. . .not thats not it but I no longer whish to commit seppuku and I feel happy with myself for who I am.

 

I feel at a crossroads.
It goes in a circle. When I feel confident I want to to it. I see that I can do it, I dont even see any big thing with it (just a minor correction). Then the Muck comes back (my Ego attempts att not changing myself too quickly) and I feel that maybe I shouldnt, that I dont know how it would be to grow old, be a hag /lady and so on and on.

This post was edited by Former Member at April 14, 2012 6:54 PM BST

go speak to a therapist with experience of people wondering about their gender.

I happen to think that if a person really is a woman trapped in a man's body they will want to be seen as a woman with name, clothes to match.
this upsets lot of people.

Hi Adam,

I would also second Rose's advice that you go and seee a therapist who has experience of gender dysphoria.
Size/weight does not disqualify you from being transsexual - it has nothing at all to do with how you feel about yourself - and if indeed you are, then all I can say is that women come in all shapes and sizes and there are quite a number of tall women around.
We all come to this from many different places, we all pass through a narrow gate and then go our different ways again in our lives, just because you didn't have any 'traditional' feelings of being in the wrong body from a young age, doesn't mean that your own experiences are invalid - but these things are best explored with a counsellor who is trained in gender dysphoria.
Good luck on your voyage of self discovery
Carol xx

This post was edited by Former Member at April 14, 2012 12:00 PM BST