Hai guys. if you´re going to read this, you´re probably read another one of zilion similar/same stories that you already know. I haven´t been here for a while, because I just don´t have time. Too much of stressing and exhausting work... I think I already know, that the result of this will be just "zero", but I don´t think I care right now. I just have to share this with someone, coz I kept it for too long, and my head is exploding. Yes, only few closest people know who I "maybe" am, but I don´t think I ever told the complete truth about myself - for that I´m just too scared. Or maybe I´m not scared but I just don´t want to tell anyone, because I know that it would just have no effect at all and I´d be just even more weird in their eyes.

 

A week ago, Prague Pride festival started around here, which I think most of you know about these kinda events -> trans., gay and many many other "different" people celebrate their existence, showing themselves to the others as proud people to live as what they are. With that, I just had to do something with my god-fkin boring life, so I decided - wether tired from work or not-, that I´m just gonna dress up in my black, plain clothes and I´ll go to some club and have some fun, in the middle of week. I never went to a bar just by myself before. And even with my friends, I was just like "Uh, ok. So now we drink, then we stink, then we throw it out with some food from the afternoon, then we stink even more and go home tired with headache and will have next three days completely ruined" - and did not have fun at all, because I don´t drink alcohol anymore for kinda long time and so on... I´m more of a dancer type. My body knows how to move, how to adapt and that kinda stuff. I´ve been playing volleyball for like twelve years when I was younger, I´ve been doing gymnastics, lil bit of classic dancing... So that I know how to do that... ... .... ... That night I was one of the first people that came to the club, there was going to start some of the events as a part of the festival. I was so looking for it. To finally meet some different people and be close to them, physically, be a part of that group with all those emotions that I get when dancing to some destroying, dark beat (and by the way, Im not just into some dance/trance, house music, I´m mainly a rocker a"metalist" or what else you can call it. I´m very open minded in this and I love like 90% of all music.)... So I went to the club, bought me some red bull with ice, waited until the club gets full and just immersed between those moving bodies, let myself get eaten by the beats and tones. I couldn´t stop for like 3 hours. When I returned home, walking all wet, shaking and exhausted, took a quick shower and fell to sleep, waking up in two hours - back to the god damn work. And then I just repeated this with my friends who were eager to have some fun with these people as well, but well... they´re just mostly those drinking types. So when they got tired, moving to another club for some cheaper drinks and cocktails, I just stayed in that same club solo again. Today was the last and third day of this madness, because I´m completely done and I can barely think of what I´m actually typing + making my stupid brain get to work this late at night. This boring thing was just to make a closer image of how I feel right now and in what state my mind is. 

 

Like an hour ago before I made a decision to write this, I saw this video on the interned about transgendered child. Born as a boy, but growing up as a beautiful little girl. I won´t tell names, but I think some of you maybe know about what story I´m talking. It made me fall into this again and I´m drowning in some deep anxiety. That little girl has a full support from her parents, her little sister and I hope that from her friends as well, because otherwise she wouldn´t be smiling that much as I saw her on those videos. And while I was watching that, it just kicked me in head, that I pretty much have the same problem.

My mind just doesn´t have the time to thing about this problem anymore, because I´m a damn grown up with totally no life, working 8-5 (officialy, in reality I work like 8-8, 9, 10, 11....... - and I just can´t do a **** about that, because I don´t wanna loose my job, as it´s getting really hard to get a new job in this damn place...). 

I never had the opportunity to dress up as what I would want, because dressing just never did matter for me. And I mean to dress up like girls do. When I was really little, I never had a damn chance to think about myself, because I was like constantly crying, getting bullied, beaten and whatever else you would call it - by my brother, by people at school and so. My head was full of that kinda crap, and nothing else. I felt so much anger that my inside personality and the outside crust was just at point zero when speaking about any progress compared to other people. Beside my brother, also have older sister and parents who were just too blind to everything un-normal, even thou they raised us to become polite, nice, uhm... good at what we do, to have a motivation in life, to achieve an independence and so. But not me. At one point in my life - when I was like 10, I think something just switched in my head and I grew up really fast, even thou I still was the cute little boy with blond hair who played volleyball like all the time, gymnastics, and blah blah... (eh...)

I call it - that I never even experienced puberty and I think I raised myself instead of my parents. They just pointed me to some foggy direction - "and swim in that by yourself". They also never had any big relationship problems - ever.... ... 

For some reason, kids hated me at school. They never said anything about me being gay or something like that - for that we had different guy - but they just didn´t like me and I didn´t care at all. Since a kindergarten, I had only one true male friend. A coincidence is that he´s my namesake (with pretty much similar second name as well) and that I´d call something like weird destiny or what. I was ruined, when they separated us when we went to primary school. He went to class "A" and I was brought to "B" - same class year ofc. That changed alot, he found some other friends in there, I did not. Shame is that we haven´t heard from each other for years, even thou in the last two years of primary school and probably few more after, we were more in contact...

I never cared about boys and their sense of what´s fun, i.e. what´s sexy on girls, how big boobs they wanna touch, who has bigger penis, who masturbates more and ew... I was too close to girls, felt in love with few and so, but my head was just clouded by the side-things that  were happening - continued threats from my older brother and the boys from school, it drived me crazy and I was full of hate and confusion. But I was still the little - insert boy/girl here - that would just wanna play with - insert doll/toy-car here - but that part of me was just kicked back into some corner of my head with no chances to unshroud itself. 

Now, I refuse to adapt to the life I experience. It´s not a Life, it´s just pointless/meaningless surviving. I refuse to be old as my body physically is, because I still am that little goy/girl - and no, I never thought about that "adultbaby" thing, because it´s not satisfying. My mind is forced to live an ordinary life as an employee working his ass of to survive in this ****** up country with empty dreams of "I want to be that little boy/girl again and I fully experience what it feels like to explore the boy/girl secrets and stuff, not just cry my way through my childhood...".

 

I love people now. I love girls, boys. I love kids. And maybe I love them also in a sexual way, but I would never - ever hurt a youngling, touch them inappropriately and there is no "unless". The purity of young body is a shell full of secrets, full of hidden potentials that needs god-like care and soft approach. But even that I feel these emotions towards, I´m not satisfied, because of what I am not anymore. I would do anything to be at least a bit closer to the child state of mind again - I just don´t wanna be depressed from all my dreams anymore. And even that I know that it´s not possible to have back the little/tiny/petite, cute body, soft skin with no god damn "fur" on it, all the adult sweat and so... My body is a perfect mess. Legs are short and muscular, same goes for arms. Broad shoulders, big hands and short fingers, gross hair all over my damn body... I´m sweating like noone in any situation, be it winter or summer, I´m swimming in it. My head is overheating, my face is like moon (craters all over it), I´m already loosing my hair and because of the sweat, I just can´t have my beautiful long hair back anymore. Fkin genes... 

 

Drama queen off to bed. Sorry that you had to read all this and sorry for any mistakes in the text. I´m sorry.

 

This post was edited by Andy Uh at August 19, 2012 4:21 AM BST