I would have put this in creative writing but its not creative its demented! It must be it came out of my head.

 

Once upon a time nearly 2013 years ago there were 3 thick men (Now there are billions of them).

 

Anyway one night they were sitting in the desert like you do and one thick man said to the other 2  "I am bored what can we do"? .

Well fed up with making sand castles and sticking Cactus needles in each other one thick man said "Look a bright star" The other two said yeah so what? Well lets follow it! Why said the other two. Have you any better ideas bacause to be honest my arse is sore from you two sticking Cactus needles in it.

 

So they all agreed to be realy mad and follow a star.

 

After one night one said to the other two i am fed up with this already! Shut up you tart said the other two we have nothing better to do.

Well the second night arrived and off they went again. Blisters were now getting bad but they had to follow the star (good they were not in the UK all you get is clouds) .

 

The third night arrived and one thick man said i think we are getting closer! What said the other two? its in the same place it was two nights ago. This is the last night of walking said the leader of the thick heads. A big sigh of relief was on the other pairs faces.

 

Dawn was coming and the star was starting to fade away when one thick man said "Look a town" Fantastic lets find a pub i am dieing for a pint or 12.

 

They reached the town and found the pub. A round of best bitter landlord we have traveled 3 nights following a star! What said the landlord Are you nuts?  Anyway they sat down with their pints and one started to light a cigarette . Come on you lot said the landlord have you not heard of the smoking ban outside now.

 

Off they went outside and it was brass monkey weather! Lets have a crafty fag in that stable said one of them. Off they went to the stable and it was full of sheep and other things "But" There was a woman about to give birth. Whos the father then? said one of the thick men , Joseph said well i am her husband but she swears shes a virgin. Your having a laugh ain't you? No honest i hav'nt touched her shes a cold old so n so.

 

Look the baby is coming! Oh yeah so it is .Push push push said the Donkey (donkey?) Its a boy said one of the many gathered to witness this virgin birth . What are you going to call him said someone? At that very moment one of the thick men dropped a brick on his foot! Jesus Christ he shouted my fecking foot.

 

Thats it said Mary i will call him Foot! You can't call him Foot said Joseph, what about Brick then? said another person, No you can't call him brick said that donkey (it was a talking donkey this is made up you know) Ok then how about fecking said another pervert there to witness the virgin birth No i like the first bit Jesus Christ said Joseph.

 

And so it came to pass: Jesus Christ was born on Christmas day all because of a brick and three thick men.

 

Part two to follow when I can be bothered. I feel ill.

 

PART TWO

 

I still feel ill but here goes.

 

And so it came to pass that Jesus was finaly named Jesus born on Christmas day in a barn.

 

Well have you brought gifts said Mary to the 3 thick men? Gifts????? Errr we only came in here for a cigarette . Ok hand them over said Mary they will do they are in a gold packet (B&H) .Come on you two what have you got me(him) Err I have a frankenstien mask i use to scare these two with, Ok i'll take that too. Come on you too said Mary to the third thick man. Bloody hell he said she wants everything he thought .I only have  my pet dog named Der! Hand it over then said Mary.

 

So mary got 3 gifts for her baby Jesus Gold cigarettes a Frankenstien mask and a dog named Ger.

 

"Gold Frankenstien and Ger".

 

Now this is where the story gets confusing! Before you know it Jesus is an adult mary is stiil swearing shes a virgin and Joseph isn't getting any nookie.

 

Before you know it its the last supper. Jesus had all of his diciples gathered around, one was called Henry .Jesus said unto Henry go forth! So off went Henry but he came sixth and won a bread knife.

 

Then lots of naughty people barged in and took Jesus away . Thank goodness for that said the other diciples he does my head in , he thinks he is a smart arse turning water into wine! I can do better than that i turn wine into water all the time, actualy where is the loo?

 

Later that day some bloke in charge of things said , Ok Jesus we are going to nail you to a cross because we are realy bored today , not only that you are going to carry the cross for bloody miles to the top of a hill.

Jesus said "Jesus this is a crap life" Born in a barn never had a childhood and now all this all in a couple of days. Ok Jesus said nail me to a cross see if i care.

 

Well they did just that and left him there for 3 days (whats with all this 3 days 3 thick men?) not my lucky number Jesus thought "But it was" They took him down from the cross and stuck his body in a concrete fallout shelter and he woke up 3 days later!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Theres that 3 again.

 

And so it came to pass: It was Easter and that is why you get easter eggs and chocolate bunnys all because Jesus rose from the dead "Thats wierd" And what happened to the bit between Chrismas and Easter???.

 

Chapter 5643 verse 789 page 8573 (well its a big book).

 

The end.

 

This post was edited by Former Member at December 3, 2012 12:59 PM GMT