I am new and didn't know where to put this.  

My best friend is transitioning, but she has seemed to have stalled out and I don't know what to do.  Three years ago she came out to us and, to be truthful, no one was really surprised, so pretty much instant acceptance among her friends, family is coming around.  There have and probably will continue to be slips of pronouns, but I have known her 10 years, it happens.  Anyway, She finally got into therapy and started making changes about two years ago.  She started wearing a bra, but under boy clothes, right down to the hiking boots. With her other best friend's help, we got her wearing make up to cover her stubble and buying more gender nuetral clothes.  Now, she has stopped going to therapy and talking about hormones.  She is obsessed with the idea of electrolysis, and gets unreasonably angry when anyone (including strangers) mention anything male near her, even when she is entirely dressed like a boy.  She even had the oppurtunity to put transgender on her job information sheet (after she was hired) and she put male.  I just don't know what to do.  We have urged her to get back into therapy, I have sat down with her and tried to make a plan with her, but she doesn't listen or ignores it or I don't know.  She has also become the biggest drama queen ever.  Everything happening in her life is the most important and should be focused on, including if one of us makes a pronoun slip.  I just don't know what I can do to help her.  I try to just be there to listen and offer advice like prudent ways to spend money.  It is getting hard to be supportive of her as a person.  It is like because I am not transitioning I can't know anything ever.  

To add some context on me, so I don't get a million give her some space you girly girl you.  I have an odd veiw of gender, it sort of just a genetic thing to me, it has nothing to do with who you are otherwise, sort of like hair color.  You define you.  I blame it on my parents were hippies, and never made a big deal of these things.  Also, I do have some things to contribute.  When I hit puberty, my voice dropped like a male's usually does.  I was a 13 y.o. contralto, and a nerd with glasses.  I started practicing artificially raising my voice so now I don't even think about it, my speaking voice is much higher, when I get drunk or tired, I slip and you get a taste of my real voice, but clearly I know nothing about the subject.  I have given up talking to her about things like that.  I am also a Molecular Biologist and when I try to explain how hormones would work and the changes they would cause, she blows me off like I didn't spend 8 years in school for this.  She is taking a supplement that is incredibly dangerous and the FDA is working on banning for it's cancer risk, even though I told her this, because it might make her boobs bigger.  It is like, in the last year, everyone we know but her knows nothing about anything.  I just want her to be happy and healthy.

I want to help, but I don't know what to do.  

Hi Elizabeth, firstly, welcome to the Gender Society and secondly but more importantly, thank you for being a friend to your friend, she needs you more than you could know and probably more than she knows herself at this moment.

It is not uncommon for the reactions and the emotions that you describe, it is probably the most stressful thing (and at the same time most liberating thing) that any human will ever have to go through.   You are extremely self centred during the lead up to, and during, transition.  I can understand the slip up with pronouns (now), but during transition every time somebody makes that slip, it is like somebody has knifed you through the heart, if you bear that in mind, it will help both of you.  For people who were born cis, it must be hard to fully fathom how painful mis- pronouning can be as they would have hardly ever had that happen to them.

Removal of facial hair is extremely important and is one of the first things I undertook when I finally gave in to my GID (Gender Identity Dysphoria), even before I started on the cross sex hormone therapy.  It enables a M2F transsexual to transition and work without too many worries about stubble starting to show through after a day's work, it also results in a softer skin and appearance to the face - and knowing that you are working towards not having to put a razor to your face every day is also calming to the mind.

Maybe this is why she continues not to out herself at work - knowing that doing so could endanger her employment and the ability to pay for things such as electrolysis, doctor's appointments, hormones and a myriad of other things which we need to get done in order to transition properly.

You are quite correct about the hormones though, she is putting herself at considerable risk taking these supplements and the many 'herbal remedies' that are out there - especially if she is doing so without the support of her doctor or an endocrinologist (I was a research chemist in the pharmaceutical industry) - so anything you can do to get her back into the care of a physician and under a proper medically supervised transition the safer it will be.

If there is anything else we can do, please just ask.

I can only echo what Carol has already said here. Hormone therapy without medical supervision is dangerous, although the drive to acheive a more female appearance often overrides this. I can understand that without condoning it. 

With regard to facial hair, it is one of the big pointers to a person's biological sex, and I too made it my first priority in order that I could start living full time. It's understandable that your friend wants to remove hers as soon as possible. 

It does seem, however, that she is still a little unsure as to the best way forward and is getting upset by this. Perhaps she hasn't identified as transsexual at work for fear of how she may be treated by colleagues and management, a very real fear to transitioning at work and I believe it to be the hardest step to make. She is obviously anxious and should be talking to someone, whether that is her friends or therapy I can't say but if it was a gender therapist she was seeing, surely that is where she needs to be to move forward?

Nikki